Zigzag Idiot and the ladder of Objective Reason

[Zigzag Idiot]

                                   "A relaxed body = an honest body"- Red Hawk

The following is a good article written by Heather Ruce, giving practices in which she quotes Red Hawk quite a bit. May 26, 2020 from https://northeastwisdom.org/ 

I trimmed a little of it out,,,,

 We will continue to observe ourselves without judgment and without changing what is observed. We will add in Red Hawk’s third principle of self observation which is with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body. Although we have been working with sensation already, we are going to stay with this—it takes practice.

Red Hawk says that observing ourselves in this way frees up our attention “so that it is not captured and consumed by the body’s force of habits, but is free to choose from aim, not mood.” Most of us are at the whim of our moods which determine our attitudes and behaviors. We identify with our moods and they affect us, we are not free. He says:

Mood is like the weather—a cloud in the sky is not my concern, nor can I do anything about it but nearly observe it; likewise, mood is the inner weather, a cloud which is passing through the inner sky. It is not me, it does not need to affect me in any way, and just like the cloud, it is not any of my business or concern. Thus, for a mature soul, mood does not decide attitude. I am free to choose my attitude at any moment, regardless of circumstances internal or external.

The task this week is to remember yourself and to observe your moods without judgment, without changing what is observed, and with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body.

When you observe your moods as weather, with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body, what do you notice about the quality of presence in your intellectual center? Do you notice a clearer mind? What is the sensation of energy moving in your body like? Is it like the sky in which the weather of mood is moving through? Can you identify the sensation of the mood in your body—the “cloud which is passing through the inner sky?” What do you notice about the quality of presence in your emotional center? What feelings that arise?

Week IV

This week we will work with Red Hawk’s fourth principle of self observation which is ruthless self honesty. He says this means telling the truth about ourselves no matter how poorly it makes us look, otherwise “we join the mass of humanity, whose main concern is looking good in front of others.”

This kind of honesty produces humility. We all have an image of ourselves, how we see ourselves. It may be an admirable image, seeing ourselves as caring, full of integrity, intelligent, etc.; or it may be a deprecating image of ourselves as inadequate, lacking value, bad, and so on. Neither image is accurate because it is incomplete. We pretend, putting on masks in front of others to preserve or overcompensate our self-image.

Red Hawk says:

It is these habits of behavior which contradict this self-image which my lying prevents me from seeing and suffering. When I practice ‘ruthless self honesty’ I will learn what ‘voluntary suffering’ means, because I will begin to see my contradictions without lies or judgment, simply as they are in me. And I will suffer. The Work asks me to stand in this pain, doing nothing, trying to change nothing, judging nothing, simply feeling the pain totally without judging it good or bad, right or wrong. Simply stand in the pain and allow it to be sensed throughout the body. Emotional or psychological pain is energy in the body. Nothing else. The body knows what to do with the energy but only ‘when I do not interfere.’

Our task is to continue to observe ourselves without judgment, without changing what is observed, with attention on bodily sensation—a body at ease—and with ruthless self honesty. As we see our contradictions, we will engage voluntary sufferingbuilding our nervous system’s capacity to stand in the pain and allowing it to be sensed as energy in the body.

When you observe with ruthless self honesty, what do you notice about the quality of presence in your intellectual center? Do you notice a clearer mind? What is the sensation of energy moving in your body like? What do you notice about the quality of presence in your emotional center? What feelings arise?

 

Week V

We have spent the last four weeks deepening our experiences of self-remembering and self-observation and will now spend the next four weeks working with trying to observe more specific things within ourselves. This time provides a great opportunity to work in this way, as there are many different energetic pulls in varying directions within our current political climate and the ever changing Covid-19 crisis.

One of the classic phenomena we can observe within ourselves is “unnecessary tension in the body,” something that Cynthia often talks about in wisdom schools. Unnecessary tension in the body is simply any tension that is not necessary to engage for the task or activity we are doing. We can observe ourselves in both small and large ways. I often observe myself with unnecessary tension in my face especially when trying to learn something challenging or in my shoulders or legs when I am doing simple tasks around the house such as cooking, cleaning or gardening. I am also noticing unnecessary tension in my body in regard to how this pandemic is unfolding.

I want to invite us not only to observe the unnecessary tension in our individual bodies but the collective body. This pandemic continues to reveal the reality of our interconnectedness that we often know but do not experience: we are one body.  

It is enough to just notice the unnecessary tension in the body throughout our week as we continue with self-remembering, locating our bodies in space and time through sensation.

We will observe without judgment, without changing what is observed, with sensation, and with ruthless self honesty. Red Hawk says:

Noticing is enough. These things will tend to regulate themselves if I do not fight, judge, condemn, or interfere with them. They exist for a reason and that reason is that they served me, at some point in my life, as protection. No need to condemn them. Simply relax and notice them as they arise, without trying to ‘fix’ them or ‘do something’ about them.

He reminds us of Heisenberg’s uncertainly principle, which says: the act of observation changes the thing observed.

Although noticing/observing your own body and the collective body may be enough, may it make some room for each of us to know what is the individual path that supports what is most organizing and coherent for the whole body. 

What happens in each of your centers—intellectual center, emotional center, movement center—when you observe the unnecessary tension in your individual body this way? when you observe the unnecessary tension in the collective body this way?

I invite you to share any observations you have below as you work with these tasks.

                                                                                    posted by Heather Ruce, May 26, 2020

[Zigzag Idiot]

                                  Becoming paranormal 

The Experience of Peace Descending in Our Inner World

This development of the subtle capacities occurs specifically through the activation of the Black latifa, at the center of the forehead. The arising of this essential aspect means the opening up of this center, which we experience as the essence of peacefulness—a quiet and still presence, satin-smooth and luminously black. It is the presence of consciousness as stillness. Our mind becomes quieter, and at times completely still and clean. The totality of our consciousness—the whole experiential field of the soul—is stilled. This is the experience of peace descending in our inner world. The descent of peace brings up a new quality of Essence, with all of its properties and capacities to support our inquiry, but it also activates the subtle centers, the subtle capacities of perception. The primary perceptual center is the Black latifa, at the center of the forehead. It is also the center of the operation of the Diamond Guidance itself. During inquiry, the Guidance tends to operate as a presence at the center of the forehead. That is why you get clear and crisp in your head when you understand something.

Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 315

Hameed's term of the Diamond Guidance is just the phenomenalogical description of the decent and guidance of the Holy Spirit which he also describes it acting as the optimizing thrust of Being. It's felt as a slight pressure in the forehead.

To simplify, observing ourselves as we really are and not as we would wish to be or appear to other people to see us is the process of 'coating our higher Being bodies.'

I appreciate Ocke de Boers to the point, and also folksy description of the chakras. Nature completes our lower chakras but it requires effort on our part in "unfolding to completion our upper chakras or energy centers.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

My friends weekly mini column.

I liked his message last week so much that I'm reposting it below this weeks.

Swallowing Little Pills
by Dr. Jim Rosen
©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen
 

    The drug culture.  It’s past time to give it serious consideration.  Not the culture of illegal drugs, but our lawful drug culture.  The multi-billion dollar business of prescribed, mood-altering medications - mood elevators, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, anti-anxiety drugs.  “These pills never really solve anything; they only obscure it.  Is it wise, for example, to make yourself feel secure when you’re really in danger; or happy when you have reason to grieve; or full of energy when you body is fatigued… A person overwhelmed by anxieties that have no discernible cause needs to get to a therapist… Tranquilizers may facilitate his therapy, but if they prevent him from embarking on it in the first place, they are doing him harm.”  (from Walter McQuade and Ann Aikman’s book, “Stress”).  In this age of doing things faster and faster, perhaps it seems reasonable to try to fix your life by swallowing little pills.  Perhaps not.

    
  Letting Love Out of the Cage
by Dr. Jim Rosen
©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen
 

    You sit there and you want so much for somebody to love you.  You think to yourself, “If only someone could see the real me… if the world could see all the love I have inside, then surely they’d love me.”  You stay there, keeping all that love caged inside.  And you want… for someone to magically see through your exterior and love the real you.  And you hold onto the belief that “When love comes my way, then I’ll be free to express myself.  My heart will be liberated.”  But it is the outward expression of love that makes you feel alive, that gives you the feeling of belonging to life.  First you must give love, then you receive it.  First you liberate your heart… first you let the love out… first you let the world see the person you are on the inside.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Jims mini column from week before last is probably my all time favorite.

Forgiveness has never really been a popular message. If it were, the world we live in would probably be completely different. When I consider the heart of the Teaching  that Christ brought, two words come to mind. Mercy and forgiveness. Overlooking others transgressions. Letting go and wishing others well. Turning the other cheek,,, nonaggression,,

                                                                            The World of the Ego
by Dr. Jim Rosen
©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen         ??

    We call it our “identity.”  We call it our “personality.”  We try to make it into something we consider special, and then we cling to what we have made.  As if we can really make ourselves.  We fashion these egos of ours, but we do not make the Self.  You don’t make your Self and I don’t make mine.

    Think of the ego as your little self in a little body on a little planet in the middle of a huge ocean of universe.  The ego is indeed the little self.  It gets its feelings hurt easily.  It feels threatened, and then it gets scared and angry and wants to retaliate.  It gets in little power struggles.  It thinks it needs approval and recognition from other little egos.  It’s unsure and insecure, but it tries to act like it knows what it’s doing.  And then it wants to blame everyone else for its mistakes.
    
    You do not have to rely on that little ego.  By its nature, it is unreliable.  Do not accept the idea that your ego is you.  Do not believe that that is all you are.  We are just passing through these bodies, learning and growing from our experiences here on this earth, on our way to our Higher Self.

    You know what you are really capable of.  You know there is a real person inside of you who can love so deeply that the people you love are a part of you.  You know that you can see right past their errors and shortcomings, and peer into their hearts.  You know the joy this brings to you and to them.  You know all this from the moments of really experiencing it.  And because you can touch it and experience it for even a moment, you have the proof of who and what you really are.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Sometimes words won’t flow from me but I get fulfillment and contentedness from just listening to music.
As most everyone knows Kris Kristopherson can’t sing very well but he is an excellent songwriter. Recently I heard this particular performance for the first time and really enjoyed it,

I may have mentioned this before and probably have because I’ve noticed my increased tendency to tell stories I’ve already told before. This song was a part of a vivid dream I once had. It wasn’t exactly a lucid dream but it was so real In feeling that upon awaking the next morning I almost felt like a changed person. In the dream I was singing this song accompanied by an band and small orchestra in front of a huge outdoor audience. Something I would never do because Im not really that much of an outgoing person but it felt SO REAL! I never especially liked the song before the dream. It was just another eagles song I had heard all my life. But after the dream though it really held a special place in my heart and being. In the dream I felt the pleasureof hitting all the notes just right and experiencing the satisfaction in doing so. A grateful kind of satisfaction. Even though the song itself has a rather sad tone about it.

 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2020 by Zigzag Idiot

[Zigzag Idiot]

                                        Bits of my confused time in life as a Scientologist

I did some fairly bizarre things as a Scientologist in training. I guess you could call it a rather paradoxical organization because they have quite effective techniques that liberate one from certain insecurities while at the same time manipulating and orchestrating you to vow allegiance for life and convincing you to start shoveling all of your worldly assets into their possession.

I'll mention two situations.

One was a Course referred to as Training routines #1, or something like that, that took around a week to complete. One of the last exercises I had to complete was to sit face to face with a teacher or if not available, an advanced student and stare directly into their eyes without blinking for a full fifteen minutes. Do you know how difficult that is?  After struggling with not blinking many times which meant restarting the timer, a moment would come when the other person's face would start distorting into hideous images like they were becoming deformed and turning into some hellish looking monster,, stuff like that. This was after about mid Course where you had to stare blank faced while the other would do everything in the world to make you crack up laughing or grimace, frown, etc. They would crack hilarious jokes, scream obscenities at you, pick their nose,,,, all kinds of things. Going through all this really did  increase my confidence in ways though. How could it not?

I cant remember if it was this same Course or another but I was given the task of shouting orders as loud as I possibly could at a glass ashtray. So as not to disturb the other students and the organizational staff working at their desks on the phone trying to generate recruits or maybe trying to coerce some other gullible poor bastards like me into advance paying on their next course that would change their life forever in a wonderful way.

So, we go into an adjoining room that's basically a hollow core door and walls with no insulation. I might as well been out there sitting in the middle of everybody because my instructor kept staying on my ass about not yelling loud enough. It was absurd commands also that I was having to scream at this fairly large glass ashtray. When we walked back through the door it seemed every person without exception couldn't help but stare at me for a moment. Some with disturbed looks or worse yet some with pity and embarrassment for me. To say It was very awkward would be an understatement. Enduring that absurd humiliation at least burned away a part of my reserved nature and any kind of dignity that my ego tended to carry around.

These people have a tenacious discipline hammered into them. I would almost rather have Navy Seals pursuing  me than to be in the crosshairs of this bunch with their small army of ruthless hack lawyers. You can't imagine the respect I have for Leah Remini and other former Scientology members who now openly and defiantly bow up and take on this Cult.

In no way do I want to actively join in on that campaign against them. I'm just thankful to have gotten free from it. It did though whittle away some of my semi-conscious grandiose self importance. Castaneda's Don Juan advised that one could go in search of a petty tyrant who would help one to reduce one's own self importance. I certainly yet inadvertently did find one!

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

In ACIM, I remember Jesus saying through Helen, as channeler,that any attitude other than peace or joy could be considered egoic. That comes fairly close to a definition. I've quoted that before but I forgot where in the book that it's written. I need to look up where to make sure I'm getting it tight.

Added. A working Music link up above concerning the dream I wrote about this morning.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I'm going to make a controversial statement.

The less of a personality that someone has, the more awakened they are. This is actually taught in the Fourth Way. I've just worded it in a blunt way.

I've often pondered why more people aren't drawn to the Teachings of Hameed Ali Almaas. His understanding is so comprehensive Like this guy who makes these condensed and very informative YouTubes on Fourth Way concepts that I've posted just underneath.Neither one have much of a personality. Consider also Eckhart Tolle. He really doesn't have very much personality or maybe I should say he doesn't have a big personality. There are many distinctions to be made here. Such as the notion of attaining the 'Pearl beyond Price' in which our raw personality or ego is slowly transformed over time through a multiple series of awakenings. I think maybe Eckhart Tolle fits our idea  in the west of a 'spiritual person' and that might account for some of his popularity. Almaas was born and grew up in Kuwait and has a Middle Eastern flavor of an accent and sometimes what to a lot of us sounds like peculiar way of phrasing or pronunciation of some words.

What I've stated can't be taken as a blanket statement either. Sadhguru has what I would characterize as a powerful personality. And then there's Osho,,,,,

 

 

While on the the subject of terms with multiple usages like Ego, Personality, Love, etc., I value Emerald Wilkins knowledge and understanding on her Diamond Net channel. She strikes me as someone who has studied and worked a lot on herself as all Teachers in general must. And of course I value and completely enjoy Leo's explanations. Even if he spends 3 hours doing it or perhaps especially because he makes such drawn out and through distinctions in his talks. All the Teachers I've mentioned address this subject of personality, false personality, ego, essence, personal essence ,,,, in different ways but similarly. Yet, it seems the majority of people almost tune out these particular messages in a way. 

In general I think the more Teachers You allow yourself to be open to, the better it is for your advantage in learning and acquiring perspectives because at the core of each of us is a multidimensional being.

 

[fridjonk]

15 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

In general I think the more Teachers You allow yourself to be open to, the better it is for your advantage in learning and acquiring perspectives because at the core of each of us is a multidimensional being.

 

This I've found to be one of if not the most important factor in this work.

No one teacher holds 100% truth. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

One thing in common between the movie The World According to Garp and Larry McMurtry’s Novel Some Can Whistle. They each contain an intense combination of Hilarity and Tragedy, 

Anyone feel free to Nominate candidates for this category ,,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

2 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Do your past failures bother you?
Do your past failures bother you?
Do your past failures in life bother you?
Are you unpredictable?

No

Sometimes

No

Yo, I mean snesh,,,

The strange attractor in Chaos theory make Flow, God, Unity Consciousness, understanding and meaning discoverable.

Great clip and channel also at first glance. I'm going to have to watch this movie. Thanks @Marc Schinkel

[Zigzag Idiot]

If I tried to describe or define my understanding of what Faith is and it's operation,  Almaas's description of the quality of basic trust comes to mind

 

Glossary of Spiritual Wisdom

Excerpts about Basic Trust 

Attuning to Reality

Basic trust is the soul's way of attuning to a fundamental law of reality, the fact that our sense of existing as a separate and isolated entity is false, that our ego experience of isolation and helplessness is an illusion based on identification with the world of physical manifestation. Knowing that we are all part of one reality means that our true nature is not defined by ego experience in the physical body and cannot be fundamentally hurt or destroyed. If the individual soul is in touch with this reality of non-separateness, then it will reflect that by functioning in a way that expresses this knowledge. 

Facets of Unity, pg. 24 

Basic Trust Enables You to Completely Stay with Experience

As we have seen, when you are trying to make something happen, you are not trusting the natural order; you don't trust that Essence itself will manifest in the way it is needed. The first point of departure from this trust is always a rejection of the now. To apply the perspective of basic trust, of true will, you must have the complete confidence that staying completely with what you are experiencing in this moment, will result in what needs to happen, without your having to think about a certain outcome. When the confidence is there, your awareness of exactly what is happening in you will allow you to see that your organism will do the best it can in the situation. Your mind, however, doesn't allow that complete Presence in the now; it thinks it knows what is best for you, but of course it knows only what has happened in the past, and can lead you only in ways conditioned by your history. 

Diamond Heart Book Two, pg. 118

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/basic-trust

After copying and pasting these two excerpts (of seven total) about basic trust, I wondered if he had any quotes on Faith in the Glossary. He did. Tying in the idea of recognizing guidance more.

Faith and Guidance

This brings in another consideration, which is that we not only need to be open to the Guidance, we also need to have faith in it. We need to have confidence in its efficacy and capacity; otherwise, it won't guide us. Or if it is already guiding us, we won't know that it is guiding us. We have faith in our guidance when we have the trust that it will take us to the places we need to go. Faith is the confidence and trust that the Guidance will send us in the right direction, that it won't deceive us, won't lie to us, and won't put us into situations that we can't handle. If we don't have this kind of faith, our openness to guidance is limited, which will limit the capacity of the Guidance to help us.

Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 230

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/faith

 

ACIM's  view of faith in conjunction with guidance from the Holy Spirit is  very similar.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

The Strength to Be It
by Dr. Jim Rosen
©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen
 

    You really have the right to be selective and spend your time with the people who like you the way you are.  According to psychologist and author Jess Lair, “We make our spiritual quest with the clues and resources life gives us.  One of the clues is the people who like us the way we are.  In their presence we come to discover who we are and get the strength to be it.”  How many people?  We need just one or two close friends at a time, less than a handful in a whole lifetime.  With these few, we share our thoughts, our feelings, our perception of the world, our ups and downs, our laughter and tears.  From these few, we learn that we are loved no matter what, and we develop the strength to do what feels right and important on the inside.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Fell asleep six hours ago not having pushed the submit reply button. Probably wasn't making much sense but I'll hit the send  button now anyway.

The moon looked weird and beautiful tonight.

I see so many people under enormous stress. Every now and then, I'm one of those people. In the last year, I've experienced a lot of dry eye which is new to me. Also cataracts, especially in my left eye. I was looked at like an escaped convict when I went into Walmart this morning without wearing a dust mask.

My sister just called from the Hospital parking lot. My Grandmother-(Ma) was taken there from a nursing home. They won't let my sister in because of Covid hysteria and ensuing rules. Ma has become especially fragile the last few days. She grew up living in sawmill shacks in a hard country of extreme seasonal changes. She had to share a pair of shoes one winter with another sister. This meant if they both left the house, they had to take turns wearing the shoes to wherever they were walking. There are many similar stories of hardship in her past. Now, she may die in that hospital alone under fluorescent lights because of all this soulless herd mentality that's going on. My sister was really pissed off when she called.

Maurice Nicoll referred to life on Earth as a pain factory.

[fridjonk]

@Zigzag Idiot I hope everything works out for you and your family brother. ?

We dealt with the same situation in May. My grandmother was nearing her death and only two people were allowed to see her before she passed away, my dad and my sister made sure she had some nice last moments. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Thanks,,@fridjonk

[Zigzag Idiot]

People who have an active painbody are out of control. A valuable thing I've learned is to not make eye contact with anyone who has an active painbody. A lot of this I picked up from The Oracle of the Cosmic Way version of the ICHING. I'm not above this condition. It just something that happens to most of us. Being radically honest about our inner condition is one of the first steps in becoming more aware about our triggers and the things we can observe which can create the space needed in order to not to fall into reactivity. 

Hurt people who are hurting people. There's no bad or guilty people. I hurt for those who are under the spell of the painbody. Their ego or their painbody will feed on your energy though. It is your right and responsibility to say the inner No to this kind of energy. Wise people of older generations who never read Echart Tolle knew this wisdom of not making eye contact with people who are in a negative state of consciousness. I'm recalling one of these wise older people from earlier in life when I was under the control of my painbody. I remember the turmoil of being in an extremely negative condition and how I would try to stir everything up. I see how wise they were in not feeding into my bad state by being subdued and passive. It may sound like a weak stance but it is absolutely the opposite. It is only our own true will anchored in a feeling consciousness which can say this powerful inner No.

You can observe this if it is not already known. For years I was oblivious to this phenomena of the ego in the other person feeding on the chi energy of others. When we don't make eye contact with those in that condition we are helping them in possibly reestablishing contact with their own True Self. 

From The Oracle of the Cosmic Way below. Carol Anthony is more articulate about this than I am. So I'll share some of her writing.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Cleaning the atmosphere of your luminous egg gives you inner quiet. There are different practices for this.

You are then free inside of other people. What they do no longer provokes one's ego.

 

The Four Moods

Ruthlessness, Cunning, Patience, And Sweetness.

 

Ruthlessness should not be harshness

Cunning should not be cruelty

Patience should not be negligence

Sweetness should not be foolishness.

 

A mood of abandon but not recklessness; a mood of caring but not indulgence.

Be ruthless but charming

Be cunning but nice

Be patient but active

Be sweet but lethal

 

Ruthless without being self-important

Ruthlessness, the opposite of self-pity

Ruthlessness is a total lack of pity

 

The place of no pity is the site of ruthlessness. Ruthlessness, being a specific position of the assemblage point, is shown in the eyes of sorcerers. It’s like a shimmering film over the eyes. The eyes of sorcerers are brilliant. The greater the shine, the more ruthless the sorcerer is.

Ruthlessness is not cruelty. Ruthlessness is the opposite of self-pity or self-importance. Ruthlessness is sobriety.

Ruthlessness is Love with a big L.

[Zigzag Idiot]

The good thing about writing in a personal journal vs making comments in the general forum is that you can say pretty much anything you want to say.

You can't force me to be quiet.

You can't force me to talk either.

I have the right to remain silent.

i have the right to change my mind. Doesn't matter if it's once a month or 72 times in a day.

Rome falls nine times an hour.

I'm not ashamed to admit my struggle with being indecisive or being a coward, a drunk or an addict. To admit my struggles or perceived weaknesses is liberating. I can laugh at myself or my ego. It's puffed up self importance that makes a person weak and vulnerable  I don't have to be a good public speaker. I don't want to be famous. It doesn't interest me. Maybe it's like heroin in that I don't know what I'm missing. I would like to be likeable but I don't need anyone's approval.

I need to be true only to what my own heart and conscience tells me. When I do that, I find that the Universe is benevolent and it helps me. When I'm bullshiting myself, the universe also lets me know about that too.

This body will die in just a few years. In Remembering that, I feel more grateful for today and this very moment. What a tragedy it is to wish one's life away looking to the future.

[Zigzag Idiot]

5 hours ago, Keyhole said:

You've alluded a few times to feeling as though you may die in a few years, are you battling a chronic illness?

@Keyhole  No Ma'am. No chronic illnesses at present. I'm 52 though, and I know how fast twenty years can go by. My father passed away at 66.  I've also caught glimpses many times of my self deception in not really considering the inevitability of death or doing the math you might say. Death of the body,,,, I'm just using death as an advisor as Gurdjieff and Castaneda articulated. Excuse me for replying mostly with quotes.

“Death is the only wise advisor that we have. Whenever you feel, as you always do, that everything is going wrong and you're about to be annihilated, turn to your death and ask if that is so. Your death will tell you that you're wrong; that nothing really matters outside its touch. Your death will tell you, 'I haven't touched you yet.”

Dont really liked that he chose the word pity here but it's the overall gist of the message that I'm leaning on.