Zigzag Idiot and the ladder of Objective Reason

[Zigzag Idiot]

I’m ok,, in a relative sense.  
My diagnosis was drug induced temporary psychosis and I can go along with that. One nurse told me that she’s seen people who kept going back and indulging in meth and the price was that eventually the schizophrenic hallucinations at some point just never go away. 
I thought that sense I had done quite a bit of shadow work and purifying of the emotional center that I was exempt from flipping my lid. Guess I was wrong. After 3 days with no sleep my hallucinations became 3D and aggressive towards me.

One problem with recounting everything is that I’m not really sure where the line is/was between reality and delusion. I sure don’t want to go stirring up bad blood with folks I had issues with during the episode so I’m going to try to go slowly with my retelling of everything. Some memories have come back and I’ve pieced fragments of it together that I’m pretty sure of but there are a few stretches especially when I was locked into the jail that are pretty scetchy.

While I was in the psychiatric hospital the words of Terence McKenna kept coming back to me. 
 

“Imagine if you were slightly odd and someone decided that you needed to be locked up. If you’ve ever been in a nut house you know that’s it’s an environment calculated to make you crazy and to keep you crazy. Mentally ill people are on par with prisoners and lost dogs in our society.

Hallucinations on meth amphetimine are completely different than hallucinations experienced while on lsd or mushrooms. It is interesting though that mdma, lsd, and meth amphetimine are all crystalline in their makeup or nature. 

As you probably know psychedelic treatment for those who suffer from chronic depression and other ailments are on the rise. MDMA assisted psychotherapy is on the rise. People who have received a terminal cancer diagnosis have experienced a reduction in fear concerning their approaching death after a trip or two on psilocybin mushrooms studies have shown.

Heavy Meth use though led me to blowing a window out of my own house with a shotgun and then fleeing hysterically with two imaginary women who I thought had guns were in hot pursuit. When I fired it was aimed where I thought they weren’t as a bluff shot. That didn’t seem to count for much when I was explaining it to the sheriffs department. The fact that it was two women with guns (in my imagination) may be kind of telling though,,, ???? live and learn,,,,

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I don’t believe in the devil or any kind of separate entity that is pure evil.

This excerpt from the Ridhwan library is one of my favorite on the subject but there are some more that’s worth reading over.

All Spiritual Work Would be Pointless if There Were Such a Thing as Ultimate Evil

As we have seen, each Holy Idea is a characteristic of reality at all locations, at all times, and at all levels. Holy Truth explicates this understanding. Here, we are saying that not only is reality just one presence that is boundless and real, but that it is also positive, blissful, and wonderful. So not only is God one, but God is also wonderful and made of love. The truth, then, is loving and lovable, which is why we say in the Diamond Approach that you must love truth for its own sake. If your orientation is that you love truth so that it will change you and make you a happier person, your orientation is out of sync with how things objectively are; if you see reality as it is, you can’t help but love it. It follows, then, that objectively there is no evil. We see evil only when we perceive reality through a filter. A person who behaves in what we consider evil ways is a person acting through a distortion. In spiritual work, concepts of a devil, of dark forces, of some evil that exists on its own outside of the goodness of reality are considered manifestations of ignorance, both in terms of believing in such concepts and in terms of the manifestations attributed to such forces. All spiritual work would be pointless if there were such a thing as ultimate evil.

Facets of Unity, pg. 215

There are 3 more excerpts about evil at this link.

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/evil

For whatever it’s worth, I believe our own ego or separate sense of self is the Devil. I was reflecting today on how I try again and again to be respectful of others, nonviolent and basically passive in the face of others transgressions but inevitably I end up reacting at some point. Sometimes just in small ways. Maybe becoming a little negative and saying something kind of smart ass which does no good at all or every now and then completely forgetting myself and acting like a complete dick. Having to face this recurring part of my ego helps me to get in touch with my own nothingness. If that makes any sense.

Maurice Nicoll in Gems of Wisdom has many good quotes around this subject.

https://inner-world-books.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Gems_of_Wisdom.pdf

NEGATIVE STATES II
“In dealing with negative states, look at the ‘I’ in you and not at the person with whom you are negative. The real cause of the negative state is the ‘I’ that is speaking in you...Its only object is to make you negative and absorb as much of your force as it can. Every negative ‘I’ has only one purpose—to get hold of you and feed upon you and strengthen itself at your expense.” V. 1, p. 162

ATTRACTING HELP
“It is a necessary part of this Work that everyone must eventually pass, to see in himself by sincere observation, how he clings to his negative emotions with one hand and tries to free himself with the other. The Work inevitably leads everyone to the same places and the same experiences. A man must reach the point of discerning his own helplessness—of realizing his own mechanicalness. And this, if it is not a negative experience, will bring him into a state of self-remember- ing. Through seeing his helplessness he attracts help.” V. 1, p.85

TRANSFORMING IMPRESSIONS V
“How can a man bring the work up to the place of incoming impressions? In brief, by remembering the work emotionally. The more a man through right self-observation feels his own helplessness, the more he realizes his ignorance, the more he sees his mechanicalness and that he is a machine, the more he perceives his own utter nothingness, the more emotional will the work become in him.” V. 1, p. 58

I remember my father at times and how he had the patience for the most part to suffer fools gladly as the saying goes. He left this earth 15 years ago but with the help of my memories of his character he still teaches me at times.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

Im grateful to be a free man and have the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life. Like a fire built behind my house on a winter evening to stand around and hear the coyotes yip and howl.

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Im grateful to be a free man and have the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life. Like a fire built behind my house on a winter evening to stand around and hear the coyotes yip and howl.

Man, I wish I could do this. We're heading out into the woods tomorrow with my wife and her girl friend in hopes of building a fire.
It feels awful to have the societal pressure on my back, telling me that is illegal and that we can get in trouble.
Fuck you superego, I am going to do this and I am not going to be haphazard about it.

Edited February 6, 2021 by tsuki

[MuadDib]

9 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Heavy Meth use though led me to blowing a window out of my own house with a shotgun and then fleeing hysterically with two imaginary women who I thought had guns were in hot pursuit. When I fired it was aimed where I thought they weren’t as a bluff shot. That didn’t seem to count for much when I was explaining it to the sheriffs department. The fact that it was two women with guns (in my imagination) may be kind of telling though,,, ???? live and learn,,,,

So like, how do you get RID of a hot witch girlfriend(s), man? Serious question, bitches are relentless.
Asking for a friend.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 @tsuki Hope your time in nature this weekend allows you ground and reenergize, 'Fuck you superego' if maybe said with light-hearted childlike defiance  mght possibly d raw out the nature spirits or cosmic helpers that are specifically needed. Maybe through the performing the  rtcm about it  too, To see if your inner truth is revealing the higher truths that are uniquely perfect for you to receive,.

Anyhow,, have a good time friend 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

7 hours ago, MuadDib said:

So like, how do you get RID of a hot witch girlfriend(s), man? Serious question, bitches are relentless.
Asking for a friend.

Usually just by having dirty fingernails and just being myself keeps most of these types from hardly ever coming around. 

 

Maybe acting like an over the top nice guy that wears ragged cloths and carrys a Scientology Volunteer ministers handbook around. That might just do it.  Good luck,,,,

 

[fridjonk]

19 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Heavy Meth use though led me to blowing a window out of my own house with a shotgun and then fleeing hysterically with two imaginary women who I thought had guns were in hot pursuit. When I fired it was aimed where I thought they weren’t as a bluff shot. That didn’t seem to count for much when I was explaining it to the sheriffs department. The fact that it was two women with guns (in my imagination) may be kind of telling though,,, ???? live and learn,,,,

That's a good story for a rainy day.  

I'm sure you don't regret any of it. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 2/6/2021 at 3:54 PM, fridjonk said:

That's a good story for a rainy day.  

I'm sure you don't regret any of it. 

Well,,,, @fridjonk  To be honest, there’s a few things I do regret. I appreciate the sentiment though, anyway.
I outed myself and sent my niece a link to my Journal. The first member of my family that I’ve shared this with. She  would probably find it interesting @fridjonk that you live in Iceland and raise sheep.

Im trying to get my sleep pattern turned back around and adjusted more toward a healthy daytime work oriented lifestyle. As you can see the time it is now, I’m not doing all that good. I come by bouts of insomnia honestly. My mother has always struggled with insomnia. I was born on her birthday also. That has to mean something.

I should maybe watch documentaries of a dull nature perhaps in the evening instead of listening to music. 
I grew up before the internet came about. It seems like it was a lot easier to achieve boredom back then as compared to now,,,,

I watched this about an hour ago.

It wasn’t bad. I’m ready for Leo to release something again. 

I’m not implying Leo’s videos are boring. Much to the contrary. I most always find them interesting. He’s got quite a few older ones that I haven’t watched. I may start watching some of those.

 

I’m getting sleepy. That’s a good sign,,,

[fridjonk]

6 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

She  would probably find it interesting @fridjonk that you live in Iceland and raise sheep.

There are all kinds of interesting people on this wonderful forum, yourself included. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@fridjonk  Thanks brother man.

 

Put in a day of fairly strenuous physical labor. Should sleep a little better tonight. Hopefully.  Going to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in a few minutes. 

I'll see how that goes and report back later. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Well I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It's structured exactly like Alcoholic's Anonymous. This twelve step program is definitely one that works. I believe what makes them work so well is the spiritual aspect of it. God is defined very loosely but is still a center point around which many aspects of the program is focused. There is a lot of humility and expressions of love and support.  All groups are different though depending on the dynamic from each group of unique people. This was a good group for sure. Ninety percent seemed to be there voluntarily. I was trying to shake hands and they were all trying to hug me which is fine. I normally don't get into hugging mode until someone has died and then I want to hug everyone I'm around if I catch them standing still or approaching me like they want to hug. I really need to work on myself in this regard and be more open and natural with hugging. 

I've heard that some groups where most everyone is there because of a court mandate can sometimes be an absolute joke in regards maintaining sobriety. They turn into meetings for making new and better connections,,, but tonight's group wasn't like that. They were all sincere people.

I could feel myself crawfishing in a hurry though. Not because I don't want to continue to be clean but because I dread the thought of these meetings taking up a part of my life. That sounds terrible I know. I don't physically crave meth like I used to crave alcohol  and I'm not depressed either. Meetings like this used to be good for me when I craved alcohol and I was depressed and overwhelmed by life. But even then I got tired of going to meetings. Partly because I did attend some that weren't very good. The group dynamic that is.

Being that I don't really crave meth and that I actually have good days and enjoy life I can see me having my fill in a hurry and just dropping out.  There was actually a couple of people there that would probably be great sponcers. I just feel resistant to get this ball to rolling. This organization still considers cannabis to be harmful, not to mention psychedelics. In a few weeks I would probably start running my unconventional mouth and corrupt some of these good folks and I don't want to do that. I know this probably sounds arrogant in a way or that I think I'm above it. I'm not. Don't know how to explain myself. I'm not desperate enough... That sounds bad and not quite accurate. I'm too unconventional. There's truth in that but it still doesn' t do justice for an adequate explantation.. I should just shut up about this I guess. All I'm doing is incriminating myself. In a way,,,

The test is going to be - HOW MY LIFE GOES. Plain and simple I guess.  I did go ahead and pay $12 for the NA 'big book 'though. I enjoyed reading the AA big book years ago, with all the personal stories even though most of them were pretty sad. They were very real though. I'm not going to make up my mind tonight though. Believe I'll start some reading,,,, I feel like a Squirming Idiot,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

In the Fourth way cosmology everything eats and gets eaten. The term reciprocal maintenance is used. If we live a good life we get eaten by Archangels.

The ray of creation it’s called and it’s makeup parallels or resembles the musical octave.

 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_of_Creation

Years ago I learned about the notion that if you have a problem that’s bothering you, you need another problem that just as perplexing. A problem of comparable magnitude. Once you have 2 problems of comparable magnitude you can reflect on how well you had it when there was only one problem.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

I loaded these on my browser last night but never hit the button. 
 

oops I was wrong

The YouTube Leo posted in his blog is really good,,, disturbing though. This is it.

 

 

 

Edited February 12, 2021 by Zigzag Idiot
Duplicate post

[Zigzag Idiot]

Fear of the Next One
by Dr. Jim Rosen
©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen
 

    If you've ever had a panic attack, you know what I'm talking about.  You can be going along fine, and then seemingly out of nowhere, you're struck.  When it happens, it's so intense and frightening, from then on you're afraid of having another one.  This "fear of the next one" can create a vicious cycle.  Panic is a very high level of anxiety.  But there are many situations in life that generate moderate, normal levels of anxiety.  If you've had a panic attack in the past, you tend to misinterpret and "awfulize" these normal anxieties.  Fear steps in and you immediately leap to the thought, "Oh no!  Here it comes again!"  Your fear reaction heightens the anxiety and bumps it up to a much higher level.  So now you're really scared.  And there goes your heart rate and that rapid breathing, etc, and the fear of dying.  But you're not dying.  As frightening as they feel, panic attacks are very treatable.  You can expect success.  But you need to discriminate.  A first important step in your treatment is learning to recognize and tolerate the normal levels of anxiety.

 

I was recently accused of having anger issues. This was from a person who does have anger issues. They just projected their own issue out onto me.

My chief feature or blindspot is fear. Particularly in the form of doubt ,,, about everything.

This is not to say I never get angry. I do sometimes. It’s nearly a full time job disguising my cowardice but I’ve been doing it a long time. On very rare occasions though I feel courageous and it feels good. It feels clean and natural and doubt is nowhere to be seen.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Conventional people scare me. They disturb and depress me if I dwell on how they take in the world. The collective ego rules their decisions for the most part it seems and it’s why they’re capable of about anything. They walk around in spiritual sleep justifying and labeling everything before them dualistically as either good or bad. I shit on their capricious God. That’s an outrageous thing to say but I don’t care. Their God is not my God. But look at me now infected by that darkness and stupidity. These are things a Super Idiot or an Arch Idiot would say. Maybe it’s out my system now for a while. If I had good sense this post would get hid tomorrow morning when I wake up. I’ve reflected too much today on lives lived in institutions and the mind numbing, soul crushing effect this has on these unfortunate people. 

In his latest video Leo discussed Wisdom. From one of my favorite websites devoted to wisdom comes this definition- Wisdom is the ability to live coherently in a chaotic world. It requires the "knowledge behind the knowledge".  http://www.chanceandchoice.com/course-overview/introduction/

And some inspired poetry from this site as well. Penned by Arnold Keyserling. 
 

Sorrow

No one would make the decisive step without sorrow and doubt.

But taking that step has nothing to do with sadness.

It is shed like the skin of a snake.

The darkness is able to generate the right reason, one more difficult, but also better, than the next.

But it will not always be so.

Some day love will shine upon you.

Then sorrow will simply be the undertone of the resulting harmony.

The path is there from the very beginning.

Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder.

But one thing is essential: the depth emerges from the strength of sorrow.

Without sorrow there is no course; without the course the path is not passable.

Mourn – not over the self – but over what is yet to be done.

Each day brings further sorrows, and eventually you will reach the original cause of sorrow.

Then you can finally begin the ascent back.

Rejoice in your sorrow, for the darkness will not remain with you much longer.

 

 

Community of Joy

Whoever trusts in himself, 

and respects every friend as a co-worker, 

will find a community of joy, 

which in the past was a rare exception and the lot of only a few.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I enjoy listening to some of Martin Butlers podcasts more than once.

Below are some quotes from Maurice Nicoll.

THE PRECURSOR TO EXTERNAL CONSIDERING II
“We dislike people, for one reason, because they behave mechanically—that is, always saying the same things, behaving in the same way—and we do not realize that they dislike us for the same reason. That is to say, they dislike us for our mechanicalness...But we do not realize that we or they cannot speak or act much differently. All this wrong attitude is based on the illusion that we ourselves and others are conscious people.” V. 4, p. 1290
EXTERNAL CONSIDERING
“External considering is thinking of others. It is one of the few things in the Work that we are actually told to do...If you have taken an album of good photographs of yourself through long self-observation, then you will not have to look far in it to find in yourself what you object to so much in the other person and then you will be able to put yourself in the other person’s position...Remember that when you find the same thing in yourself that you are blaming in someone else it has the magical effect of cancelling the whole situation out. This is real ‘forgiving.’ ” V. 1, p. 259
EXTERNAL CONSIDERING II
“External considering can only begin, in its practical application, with putting yourself in the other person’s place, and looking out, as it were, of the other person’s mind and consciousness at yourself as he sees you. So do not think that external considering is merely doing something for the other person.” V. 1, p. 268
EXTERNAL CONSIDERING III
“The object of the Work is to become more conscious. Self-observation makes you more conscious of yourself: external considering makes you more conscious also of others. Through external considering, things you were not conscious of before are revealed to you.” V. 1, p. 265
80

MUTUAL EXCLUSIVITY
“To put yourself in another person’s position calls upon your whole understanding. It requires a directed effort of the mind and feelings and not merely once but time and again. And you will certainly be quite incapable of doing this if you are always preoccupied with your own personal problems and woes and with the way you are being treated—that is, if you are always taking your life from the stand- point of internal considering...But external considering is utterly dif- ferent. It cleanses you. It frees you...An hour of external considering will free you from the effects of weeks of internal considering.”
V. 1, pp. 265, 268
 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

A good talk.

Good night,,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

I can't believe I lost Cynthia Bourgeault's new book Eye of the Heart. I had read only half of it in which she already  shared where the Kingdom of Heaven is using Gurdjieff's Hydrogen scale and the Ray of creation.  She said the kingdom is found at  world 24. Take what I say with a grain of salt because I've slept since I read this a couple of months ago ,,,,  I found it though. To translate, this would be the inner world of a person who has integrated and individuated along with whats reffered to in the Work as purifying the emotional center. This is someone who doesn't judge and is conscious to the point where they're basically incapable of commiting violence.  This is one of the best descriptions I've heard in regards to higher Consciousness. A fully Awakened person is incapable of violence! They're not complainers,,, They don't bitch or fly off the handle in a reactionary way if unpleasant events are encountered in their life situation. So encountering the kingdom of Heaven is an inside job. The kingdom is within.

It's good to have a journal and express oneself. Even if it does amount to bitching about something. Maybe that's what it takes sometimes to process and let it go. Whatever it is. It's also a way of letting others into your inner world. As cringe worthy as that can be at times ultimately it means integration of your personal fragmentedness. 

Why is that good?

Its the path to having your being. To fully be yourself, flaws included. To be completely at home in yourself. There's a tricky thing in regards to being fragmented. People who are fragmented most often don't fully realise their own fragmentedness. They don't see how it leaves them at the mercy of those who are eager to manipulate them. On the path to higher awareness, forgiveness through understanding is mandatory.  More awareness will not be granted if you cannot forgive those who are asleep.

I found a weighted blanket on the clearance isle this morning. I thought it might help me with insomnia. The thought of Temple Grandin came to mind with her design of the squeeze chute made for the humane handling of cattle.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_Grandin