Zigzag Idiot and the ladder of Objective Reason

[Zigzag Idiot]

Lost in obsession and fantasy over Christy McNichol in my prepuberty life.

How could I have forgotten about this? I was completely obsessed with Christy McNichol as I entered puberty. She was about 4 years older than me. Still is,,

So strange how intensely I ached for her, I wanted to leap over trees. I wanted to rip my teeth out,,,, To me, she was the most beautiful person on earth and also the focus of many imaginary situations and daydreams.

[Zigzag Idiot]

This was about a 2 years after I got of the 'nervous hospital' and remained in my parents basement somewhat agoraphobic for a few months. Turning my back on my father in all of his entrepreneurial pursuits and struggles while battling my demons with alcoholic compulsion, anxiety and depression. I had become a shamed conversation piece of the community, peers of my successful 'self made' parents who seemed to have it all and their messed up boy,,,, speculated in hushed tones.

After having read through read Dianetics 3 or four times I sought out a study group who met in Little Rock. This group was Informally organized by a lady about 10 Years older than me. Her name was Peggy. From the beginning of our first meeting in person, I was smitten with her.  Something about her presence immediately attracted-completed-intrigued me. Secretly I prayed BiIly Jo, her live-in boyfriend, would lose interest and she would be with me for the rest of our life as my formal or common law wife/partner. My days were often filled with daydreams of future scenarios where we could share life together. I wanted to be blessed with her presence everyday for the rest of my life. 

Another woman I knew from one of the Missouri organizations who was witty, super smart and bubbly called me at my parents house on an April afternoon in 1989.  She told me flat out Peggy had been killed in a car crash caused by ice on her way to Missouri in late February.  NO!!!! I screamed,,, Completely out of character I collapsed and sobbed and screamed in a heap on the kitchen floor.

When it rains it pours.  I was called out and bullied and subjected to ridicule by a handful of different unrelated twisted sadistic individuals during this time. I was laughed at while I hurt.

I had been in a period of ignoring Peggy and Billy Jo because it turned me inside out just to be around her. That's why I hadn't heard from any of the group in the last few weeks,,,,I had felt like a greasy slime-ball in Billy Jo's presence because he was a really decent guy and I was so infatuated with his live-in girlfriend. Wiped from the face of the earth. For a 2-3 day period, time stood still and cracked open. She spoke to me through multiple synchronicities as I sought escape into the bottle in trying to find relief for my crushed heart and confused mind. I could write a book about this period of my messed up life. The hurt, fear, confusion, anxiety, depression, meaninglessness, overwhelm, guilt, etc.,,

 

Writing this out has caused my eyes to fill with tears and my throat to contract and hurt.

This song was popular at the time and forever linked with the memory of Peggy. 

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Schadenfreude is a German word for which there is really no English word for.

Terence Mckenna's word he invented in childhood - Fardow - is at the other end of the spectrum to schadenfreude. In the spirit he gives it, It concerns having empathy in seeing someone else mess up instead of Joy. You think you're above shadenfreude?  Is there anyone who gives you grief or annoys you? Automatic judgements that you accept? Look close and be honest with yourself. Do you feel good when the villain in a story gets his ass handed back to him?

Fardow is a useful word useful to juxtapose against schadenfreude.

Fardow is closer to love. Witnessing your suffering makes me hurt.

Schadenfreude is an expression of grandiosity born out of fear. The feeling of security that comes from being superior to those who are the fuck ups,,, 

  

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

Have you ever been laughed at while you're being shit on while your also being cursed. That's bad. M'Kay.

 

On the the other end of the spectrum.

Have you ever laughed and orgasmed at the same time? That's good, M'Kay,, That's really really good. ?

A wise old man, who was a friend both to me and my father, on his death bed told me- "Get it while you can",,,, 

He left to me his 4 ft carpenters level. This wise old man, like my father and also Peggy, they go with me. They are in my heart. Along with many others.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Jordan Peterson, Hey!
Yeah, Hey man, It's not like I think you're waiting with baited breath on what I'm going to say next, but dude, you're trying way too hard. Just let go some. M'Kay
 I love you but your dualistic frames of reference are no better than everyone else's dualistic frames of reference.
Okay, I know your busy and all,,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 1/19/2020 at 9:43 AM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Through inner separation and self observation, as Ocke de Boer articulates- This is a process of -it- in a state of becoming I. This only can happen if we observe ourselves in states of identification. Our mechanicalness and identifications makes us just as unguided projectiles. In spirtual sleep, the automaton led by the ego is just an unguided golum.

Since too much time has passed for an edit. Just wanted to fix this guy's lisp. Tell him to not mutter and speak more clearly.

Encourage him to try and get out of fight/flight mode more often,,,,

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

 

I opened up this old book and realized Nassim Haramein is still talking about much of this.

It's fascinating the flower of life symbol is found precisely etched in granite. I think in some old ruins in Syria and elsewhere.

Nassim's elaboration about the energy in the vacuum sounds like the Causal (Imaginal realm) speculated about by contemporary mystics. Carol Anthony refers to the realm of the Atom as the realm of Consciousness also as the realm of transformation.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Some rich text from-

[Zigzag Idiot]

Lol ? ?? 

@Marc Schinkel  I love it!

Anytime you want to add another story you've had with horses, please share.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

One thing I just remembered about keeping a dream journal. I found it crucial to always have pen and note pad on a nightstand just beside the bed. Writing down the previous nights dreams had to be done immediately upon awakening or I they slipped from my mind. It was like getting out of bed and movement of the body acted like an eraser of dream material.

Just after a few days after starting this,  the amount of dreams and dream material increased every time I returned to this practice over the years. 

Castaneda recommended looking for your hands while in dreams. This would then act as a trigger for becoming lucid.

I read Stephen Laberge's book.

[Zigzag Idiot]

                               Work on superego

I think I remember lead Guitaist for Black Sabbath, Tony Lommi, say he thought that a good deal of Black Sabbath's popularity came as a reaction and tiredness to years of all the unrealistic Love and light hippies.

To me, Black Sabbath music represents our raw "red" energy. It's this energy we reclaim and build to overcome superego.

Silence is golden as the saying goes. But sometimes loud Black Sabbath music in the morning is good for counteracting attacks of the superego.

 

The radical changes in rhythm and Tony's 'sing - song' guitar expressions in Under the Sun always give me the giggles.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Here is an idea to try on.

A conscious activity in the present moment can alter the past.

[Zigzag Idiot]

                                              Horses I've known,,,,, continues

@ Marc Schinkel,  reading about your runaway experience reminded me of Cisco, the black and white paint horse. Cisco had his tricks,,, such as puffing up and holding his breath when cinching down the saddle. This resulted in a loose saddle. One day I was at the far end of the big hay meadow when an old leather piece of the reins broke, down at the bit. It took Cisco about 3 seconds to realize I had no leverage over him and for him to hit top speed back towards the barn. On top of this helplessness, the saddle began to roll off to one side. He was running at full speed as I rolled with it. Luckily I just ate a little dirt and grass and somehow avoided his hooves.

Edited January 26, 2020 by Zigzag Idiot
Typos

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

This song was popular when I was a teenager. It sets the tone for a perspective I'm going to try to articulate in my next few posts, hopefully, this evening. Just saw Leo released a new video, so no promises. I may get diverted. If so, I'll pick this thread back up again tomorrow.

If this song annoys you, but you're curious about where I'm heading with this, just think of it as anthropology in the form of crushed analogy framing Spiral Dynamics.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

For human beings to have the numbers to evolve, nature made us very oversexed. Most of us will still crave sex even if we're half sick, stressed, starved, etc.,, Testosterone fuels sex drive and on average men have 10 times as much testosterone as women. One reason we act like we do. Ken Wilber touches on this in this video clip.

 

Fundamentalist Religions control us by and through our shadow. Making us perpetually guilt ridden for our animal natures.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Time magazine article-

James Franco’s sexuality has been the subject of much speculation, including by James Franco; the actor/artist/author once conducted an interview between his straight and gay selves. In a New York Magazine interview published in the April 18 issue, the actor once again elaborated on the subject, describing himself as “a little gay.”

Noting that Franco has said he’s “gay in my art and straight in my life,” the interviewer asks Franco to explain whether he’s not also gay in his life, pointing out that some gay men have called him “kind of a gay c—k tease.” Franco acknowledged the assessment:

There is a bit of overfocusing on my sexuality, both by the straight press and the gay press, and so the first question is why do they care? Well, because I’m a celebrity, so I guess they care who I’m having sex with. But if your definition of gay and straight is who I sleep with, then I guess you could say I’m a gay c—k tease. It’s where my allegiance lies, where my sensibilities lie, how I define myself. Yeah, I’m a little gay, and there’s a gay James.

from : https://time.com/4300920/james-franco-says-hes-a-little-gay/

 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////://///////////

 

I got a real kick out of that article when it came out. No pun intended. ?

In the blue/orange worldview of the culture I grew up in, what James Franco said would not have computed. I say would not have ( past tense) because the world has changed somewhat since then. Today, there is still huge difference between middle America juxtaposed to the East and west coasts. It feels like I live on the belt buckle of the Bible Belt. There is so much shame and shadow around sexuality that dualistic thinking will be projected and forced onto us up until the green worldview begins to take hold. I wouldn't say this is a precise or an absolute phenomena but is a general rule where fundamentalist subcultures predominate. Not just religious but also the perceptual filters found in the whole macho alpha male patriarchal worldviews.

In a way, Ray Stevens humorous songs back in the day, created a little bit of space around these fearful, dualistic, contracted world views, allowing for a growth in contracted frames of reference to take place.

If a man allows himself to enjoy this Neil Sadaka song, I would equate that with being psychologically gay. That's a good thing. ? This has nothing to do with sexual orientation (and it doesn't matter) but the blue/orange worldviews will often insist that it does. Does that make sense? Look at how gay I looked as a kid. Does that mean I'm without a doubt, bisexual?  This is how the lower levels of the spiral constrain non-issues into dualistic notions.

 

[DrewNows]

Hmm interesting. I find that whenever I eat it brings out the sexual drive in me, definitely any meat. If I’m not eating, I’m like asexual, or perhaps bi, quite strange. Perhaps it has to do with the detox process but I suspect it’s because the sexual energy goes upward 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@DrewNows  I appreciate you sharing your objective self observation.

Thanks bro,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

Thanks man, Got a kick out of that interview. ????

[Zigzag Idiot]

Sacha Baron Cohen is a creative genius who has the capacity for playing a role.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacha_Baron_Cohen