i don't enjoy what I do for living - breakthrough or really good ego backlash?

[kingroboto]

so there I was sitting at home working on an illustration for a client and had this realization hit me like a brick: "I don't like doing this". I don't mean just that particular job, which was boring and not turning out so great, which I was only doing for the pay, but just what I do for a living in general - drawing, illustrating, designing, I didn't care for any of it at that moment. Sitting in front of the computer for hours, making chicken scratch motion with my hand to create images on a screen to be sent off in exchange for dollars. Having to constantly second guess myself and having anxieties about if the image or design will turn out right, if the client will approve and I get to continue my lifestyle. 

This is coming at a time when I've hit some major breakthroughs in my art and started to gain a following on social media. I've enjoyed moments of triumph and bliss while creating art and seeing the growth in my abilities. I thought my life purpose is to experience this growth and use it to offer something great to the world - but isn't that all just ego? Looking back I never really LOVED any of it, more like I was just bearing with the suffering to gain some kind of recognition or achieve a certain lifestyle. Isn't that enough though? How many people on this planet get to say they LOVE what they do for a living? I mean like 100% passionate, love every single aspect of it, get excited to wake up in the morning kind of love?  Isn't that also the ego trying to make it about itself and be distracted by life?  I don't even know what else I would rather do. On one hand it seems like I'm just in a depressed state and looking for a way out. On the other hand it feels like I'm just continuing with this farce because it's the only life I know and it's scary to consider anything else and admit that I should quit.  

If this is the 'resistance' or the ego backlash against me finally making progress in my skills and moving up in the world it's a bloody damn good one.  I really have to tip my hat to the devil for this one because it's really the mother of all resistance to stop me dead in my tracks. This is not the first time I've had thoughts like this but I guess after all the things I've accomplished and all the growth I've made I thought that I wouldn't have to question myself like this. 

[Hello from Russia]

What does it actually mean to like a thing that you're doing? How do you know that you "love" it? How do you know that this is "it"? What criteria to use for this? I'm wondering too

[kingroboto]

@Hello from Russia I guess the cliche answer is as I mentioned above, something you would get excited to do the moment you wake up, something you would want to do even if you weren't paid for it, so on and so forth...i was just fantasizing about this hypothetical job i could be doing that would give me everything I want in life in one neat package: money, fulfillment, social life, love, health, security for future, etc etc. 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2018 by kingroboto