150ug LSD Trip - Remembering my death & The most beautiful insights of my life

[Bluebird]

The backstory

I recently tripped again on 150ug of pure LSD-25. This is my first trip about 2-3 months after my last 600ug trip which went a bit awry from my normal perspective in life. I actually couldn't really remember it. I didn't even remember that I had a full-blown ego-death and resided in nondual awareness for what felt like a short lifetime.

I've tripped on 150ug before and it was never like this time, because I had that breakthrough it's so much easier to go back into the ego-death experience now. And that happened again this time, and in tasting that again it brought back many memories of the 600ug trip.

I actually started to panic a little bit as I went back into the ego-death, I started losing myself. Luckily I was more responsible this time, so I could resist the dosage a little bit... enough to be calmed down by my friend who I called and to remember that my trip sitter was always there if I start breaking stuff again. Once I grounded myself a bit, I decided to let go again and go into it and just surrender myself.

So I surrendered myself. And man, It takes so much bravery to go into the love. But It's indescribable beauty. Indescribable. 

Prepare yourself for a bit of repetition to the insights I brought back.

 

Going deeper & God's love

Sometimes your in the nondual perspective and sometimes your not. That's okay because it's all just going deeper into it whether that's in it at the time or not. 

You're just setting yourself up for that next mindfuck. To just keep going deeper. The love is only possible when you're out of the love perspective. It only makes it better. Like how abstaining from music for weeks makes it better when you come back. 

The love comes from going deeper into yourself. 

It actually (literally) feels like my heart is unfurling, just peeling back and back, revealing deeper layers of gods love. It genuinely feels so tender, soft and warm. 

The more bitter it got the better it got. Breaking up makes coming back together so much more beautiful and meaningful. Getting lost in the woods makes getting found feel so good. 

The whole thing of life is just me going deeper and deeper into myself. I just kept going into the experience of deep insights into the nature of reality, and I am reality.

Love is the only answer. It's all infinite love. It's an infinite love simulator, leo's description from the What is Love video was spot on. 

It just goes deeper. It just goes deeper (to infinity, and back again).

I never got the reality is a strange loop thing before, intellectually sure, but actually, no. This time I summed up my entire experience of reality being an infinitely deep strange loop in this phrase: It just keeps going deeper. Infinite perfection!

But It's all God's love and it just keeps going deeper. Your trapped in this loop, this psychedelic loop. But it's okay dude. Because it's all just God's love.  Keep going deeper into the insanity.

The nature of drifting off into this life is what makes coming back so beautiful. 

It's just an experience. Everything is just an experience to gain more perspectives.

I remember Leo saying how if you make any distinction between ego-death and your actual death then you don't understand. Well I didn't understand. But I actually died, I experienced my ego (Jack, the person) losing himself and dying. But it was so beautiful that I surrendered to it fully. And holy fuck was it mindblowing. I totally see how when you die it will be the most beautiful realisation ever. I cried and cried realising I subjected myself to separateness and life out of love and I was back in that love and oneness.

 

Mindfuck / Paradox

It's all myself. Tripping myself out. Literally that is all there is. Me mindfucking myself, out of pure love.

At one point when I was just busy being everything... I realised I was looking at myself, and everywhere I looked I was looking at myself. This started to really scare me, I couldn't run from myself, I couldn't escape myself. I started to panic and go insane a little bit, and I went deeper and deeper into fear and insanity. Started losing touch with everything and going on what people would call a "bad trip"... And then after going deeper and deeper I just found more of gods love. 

I can see how universal perspective has to, and wants to create this ego life to experience separateness. Life is just about getting lost. And eventually you'll come back and find yourself. It goes all the way down for you and then all the way back up again. 

It's all paradox.  Reality is a strange loop.  Every part contains every other part of itself.  

Before these were words, intellectual, but now I've had insight (at least to some - i feel, realitvely strong - degree) into each of them personally.

 

Expression & Purpose

It's all about expressing God's love. The hard part is expressing how beautiful is all is. How to put it in words?

The word "Universe" (youniverse) felt so fitting, like it had to be that word. Same with the word's: "Ego Death", "Nature of Reality"

Truth, Consciousness, Love. Honestly these aspects sum it up so beautifully, I couldn't see it before but now I can. There is a deep self-awareness and intelligence, mindfucking itself, and under all that is the deepest love of all. Infinitely deep love.

The beautiful part is that I keep choosing to take myself deeper. That's the purpose of life. I chose to keep unfurling the layers of reality. 

A good way to describe it is: Indescribable. 

I want to express myself more, and because words have what feels like infinitely deep meaning when I trip. It makes them feel so powerful. 

 

Bringing something back

Bringing something back is what it's about. I can see how the psychedelic is not going to take me all the way. That's where the meditation and spiritual experience comes in. It's important to get the glimpses, the insights, through the psychedelic. And then take that and develop universal love back in your ego life.

I realised I'm creating this reality for myself. And the absolute keeps choosing life. In a very literal way all of this is my creation. And it is infinitely intricate, there is infinite meaning to everything, it's all here for me.

I'm (ego-me) is always looking for a lesson, or insight. Then I experienced from the deepest existential perspective, there is no lesson, it's all absolutely meaningless. There doesn't have to be a lesson. And then in a strange loop way that is just a lesson, and it's infinitely meaningful. Paradox!

See if you can take back the experience not just the words (like I am mainly now). 

I realised it's kind of fucked up that I can't experience nondual awareness in my normal life. That I am depending on this substance for it. The whole process of life is bringing yourself into alignment, without the psychedelic. How do I embody universal love (nonduality) more in my life? 

I likely won't trip again for another 3 months or so, I need more time to integrate my experience back into my life. Whereas before I started to trip every 2 weeks after recommendations on here to do so.

 

Miscellaneous

The whole bad trip of looking for your inner demons thing, which is what I do in my normal life, but also when tripping. I realised that's a great way to go into nondual awareness, the deeper you go into your demons the more you come into nondual self-consciousness, mindfuck and love.

I had this crazy deep thing going on with my dog. It's literally just all the dog. And the dog is me. That is the nature of reality. Just gently teasing each other into waking up. Sending us messages through the other people (that's how it felt). Before I've felt the dog as separate, this time I realised was almost like a projection because I couldn't handle it was all just me. But I fully see (feel) it now.

What you put into it. The intention. Is what you get out of it. And by that I mean all life, your entire life is gods intention. And this manifests in a similar way in ego form, where your ego intention creates the reality. I feel like I got a very light insight into this, and so take it with a grain of salt because I only had very slight direct experience here. Thoughts are what take you out of that nondual state. The whole life here is an intention. Which is a commitment, or thoughts?

To me (ego) it feels a lot like the universal self is just tripping himself out. Life is the thought trip and the nondual state is without thought, when the trip is over. Where you just keep going deeper into God's love. And then you find yourself back in the separate state (ego). And it just seems to keep looping like that. 

 

 

Overall a good trip... Leo wasn't kidding when he said all the most profound insights are to be had at lower doses. High doses you just frolic with yourself in nondual awareness for what feels like an eternity and then you come down and bring fuck all back.

Edited December 9, 2018 by Bluebird
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[Leo Gura]

Sounds groovey.

You can (and should) be working toward a permanent nondual awareness. That is the point of enlightenment.

Kriya yoga can help with developing that.

[Solace]

That was a lovely read  

Gods Love is always here. So too is the empty space of your awareness. 

Sat-chit-Ananda. Truth-consciousness-Love. That is the nature of reality! You got it.

In your meditations you can reach this.

Have a blessed day.

[Bluebird]

@Leo Gura Yes, I really needed the direct experience insight through psychedelic to bring about the motivation to do so.

Before I told myself I was meditating for spiritual experience, but it was really just because I thought it was a good thing to do. Now I'm actually doing it for the spirituality of it all.

[SoonHei]

@Bluebird wow

Beautiful

Something about the way your post was written made me realize something amazing!

 

The strange loop part!

 

Wow. That's so amazing. But it also isnt amazing!

 

thanks!

 

I am gonna watch Leo's video now about it and this time actually understand what he is talking about!

 

The part about there being no lesson and then that itself being a lesson was a nice one. Thanks.

[Bluebird]

Quote

Wow. That's so amazing. But it also isnt amazing!

@SoonHei You get it. Hahahaha 

Edited December 9, 2018 by Bluebird

[111111]

@Bluebird  Looks like you need to work more on your psyche first. Meditate and study to strengthen your core.

Just tripping alone won't do you much good except "fun experiences".

[Tetcher]

27 minutes ago, 111111 said:

@Bluebird  Looks like you need to work more on your psyche first. Meditate and study to strengthen your core.

Just tripping alone won't do you much good except "fun experiences".

How is your trip more than a fun experience than what he described here ?

[Bluebird]

Quote

How is your trip more than a fun experience than what he described here ?

@Tetcher Hald of the time I would have called it a bad trip, definitely not just a fun experience.

But from a certain perspective @111111 is correct, if I just kept going back to tripping over and over again it would be like binge drinking alcohol to avoid facing the real work in life.

By no means am I avoiding problems in life, very much I am tackling them head on but certainly I realise my meditation habit was flimsier than I would have liked. Regularly 20mins a day, most days for a while now.

Stepping it up to 2 x 1 hour sessions a day now (also I just did a Vipassana course) and implementing more self-enquiry and Kriya. My practice was largely inner-work (shadow, anima, psyche, personal-dev, business) so now shifting more heavily towards the spirituality side.

But if I didn't get that insight and try and integrate it into my life, it essentially becomes a fun experience. That's why I said it's what you bring back to integrate.

Edited December 9, 2018 by Bluebird

[Tetcher]

1 hour ago, Bluebird said:

@Tetcher Hald of the time I would have called it a bad trip, definitely not just a fun experience.

But from a certain perspective @111111 is correct, if I just kept going back to tripping over and over again it would be like binge drinking alcohol to avoid facing the real work in life.

By no means am I avoiding problems in life, very much I am tackling them head on but certainly I realise my meditation habit was flimsier than I would have liked. Regularly 20mins a day, most days for a while now.

Stepping it up to 2 x 1 hour sessions a day now (also I just did a Vipassana course) and implementing more self-enquiry and Kriya. My practice was largely inner-work (shadow, anima, psyche, personal-dev, business) so now shifting more heavily towards the spirituality side.

But if I didn't get that insight and try and integrate it into my life, it essentially becomes a fun experience. That's why I said it's what you bring back to integrate.

Yes tripping is not too different than binging except if you can monetize the content of your trips. But reading 111111 trip report I fail to see how he is above what he accuses you of.

[Bluebird]

Quote

But reading 111111 trip report I fail to see how he is above what he accuses you of.

@Tetcher It's all just projection, the same way we're projecting on to him 

[Tetcher]

6 hours ago, Bluebird said:

@Tetcher It's all just projection, the same way we're projecting on to him 

Well I don't know for him, probably since he doesn't answer. But when you say "we" this is definitely projection.

[Bluebird]

Haha, good call