The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Observing the majority of my thought is memory based (past) I don't tend to think into the future but I dwell more in the past. Random insight I've only just noticed this week. 

[Charlotte]

Vent:

College today was just blaaaah. 

Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. Fuck iiiittttttt. 

The course goes so fucking fast! One topic, next! Next topic... Next! Fuck me... Slow down love, I'm not Charles Dickens 

Literally cramming in 3 years worth of work in 10 months. 

Today is genuinely the first time I've felt stress in a long time . Did too much exercise over the weekend and the pain in the hip has returned (fuck you pain and fuck you hip)

Went to Tesco for a brew and asked for an extra strong decaf cappuccino. What does she give me... An extra strong caffeinated brew ? Jesus Christ! It's like I was on whizz or something. Awful. 

This is for you today ......     ?

 

 

(Made myself laugh with this vent I feel better) ?

[Charlotte]

Right okay, there is a lesson in this. Take it more seriously! Stop fucking about... Stop pissing about woman! 

Action steps:

Numero uno

Get to the doctor's in the morning about this arthritis in the hand. It's fucking my writing up and I'm struggling to text/type on phone.

Numero dos

Observe limiting beliefs related to the work.

Numero tres

Spend more time studying at home. Starting this weekend. 

 

Numero quotro (fuck knows if I'm spelling these right)

Buy flashcards and get familiar with what I actually have to write; format and what the exam question is actually asking of me. Pin them up around the house and learn them inside out.

 

Numero cinco

Look into the nootropic that resonated with at the mushroom ceremony

This will hopefully be completed by Tuesday next week. 

 

 

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

@KyleR Thanks for sharing.

Loved it. Goes up to part 4. 

 

[KyleR]

Great documentary! 

21 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Fuck me... Slow down love, I'm not Charles Dickens 

? tickled me, need to stay off that whizz you Charlotte. Might be necessary to keep up with Dickens tho?

[Charlotte]

@KyleR ??

 

 

Ok so I'm FINALLY coming off shark week (lol) and feeling miles better. It's mental how much it has an effect. 

Went out for a meal last night with mum and she said I have some issues based around diet... Fear basically. I don't ever want to put the weight back on so I'm watching the diet like a hawk. It is fear isn't it. She said you know too much to ever go back there Charlotte, you've changed completely, stop listening to your mind. She's right. I might do a course on the relationship with food. The psychological components based around food. 

I don't think I should be feeling guilty if I have a vegan burger now and again (I try and stick to wholefoods as much as possible). I'll look into this today. 

Yesterday I met up with a new friend. It was great to sit and talk about personal development/spirituality. This person I feel can allow himself to be vulnerable (in a good way) what you see is what you get. He is transparent and I'm very drawn to that. When we talk it feels like it's a safe space, we both speak from the heart. I could definitely learn from him. 

So on today's agenda:

I went out and bought the flashcards needed to organise some kind of structure with the English studies. I'll get that all written up today and stuck over my bedroom wall. ☑️

Do some more studies. ☑️

Start packing for Barcelona.☑️

Make sure I have the food diary printed off for the naturopathic college on the 31st march☑️

1 hour self inquiry (20 minute), 1 hr reading new book ,❎ and 1hr meditation.☑️

Look into course☑️

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

Wow it's been a mad day. 

Lots of contemplation and introspection. 

Looking forward to the shamanic drumming ceremony tomorrow morning. Muchly needed ❤️

[Charlotte]

Gonna journal this whilst it's fresh af in my experience. 

Currently sat in Costa in the Trafford centre walking around in what feels like a massive infinite boundless bubble....

Okay so just finished the coaoa and shamanic drumming workshop/ceremony. 

It was a beautiful journey from beginning to end.

In the beginning we had to go round the circle and say your name and explain why you came to this event. My answer was. "I have no idea why I'm here but maybe I'll find out."

After opening the space with drumming and chakra mantra meditation we all went up to receive our ceremonial grade cocoa deva. 

 

We lay down as comfortable as poss and people started their inner journey.

I was lay there thinking... The fuck is going on? fuck all is happening, this is shit. 

I lay there observing my thoughts about other people's journeys and what was going on with them in that moment. 

Then it hit me.

The reason I was here was to just be. Just be still. Be quite. 

This time it wasn't about an inward journey, this time it was about realising there is no fucking inward journey (fundamentally) and to just be! 

Game changing insight.... absolute game changer. 

Experience and experiencer ceased to exist. I lay there in complete bliss for god knows how long. 

After it finished we all sat up and it felt like I loved everyone. I was connected to everybody. Everyone was me and I was everybody. 

The more I go to these workshops the more truth prevails. 

Showing my deepest gratitude for such a beautiful day ❤️

[Charlotte]

P1_H08.pdf

[ZenDancer]

Hi there @Charlotte  ... I'm loving your journal... your honesty about how your mind can go from 'fuck everything' to serenity and wisdom is beautifully honest and human... and it sounds an awful lot like the carnival that often inhabits my tiny brain (which makes me feel better!) Keep up the good work!

Hugs,

Lucas

[Charlotte]

@ZenDancer I'm so glad your enjoying it and it's brought something positive for you. Yes I'd say honesty is of most importance... Always ❤️

[Charlotte]

No matter what happens externally remain as awareness. Remain as an observer.

Silent.

More and more intense situations are happening externally and I can remain unaffected, yes emotions are felt but like a bag in the wind, they are carried away. 

[Shin]

19 hours ago, Charlotte said:

No matter what happens externally remain as awareness. Remain as an observer.

Silent.

More and more intense situations are happening externally and I can remain unaffected, yes emotions are felt but like a bag in the wind, they are carried away. 

Just wait

?

 

And btw,

Keep eating fruits

?

Edited March 19, 2019 by Shin

[Charlotte]

Last philosophy class of this term (quotes are amazing)

P1_H09.pdf

Won't be able to attend last class of this term as I'll be away but definitely going onto the next term in April.  

[Charlotte]

Flying out at 9am tomorrow morning. It's weird this time because I've not over thought it, I've been mindful of creating something from nothing and because I've let things be just as they actually are you feel you've forgotten something because you haven't over thought it ?

Previous trip I was ruminating for a few days prior, building something up mentally but this time I've remained more present and it's actually fucking mental the difference ? there is no stress in anything. It's all created. People say. "Oh it's stressful doing this and doing that." No, that's a projection. You're creating the stress. There's nothing actually there. It just is. 

[Charlotte]

Album of the past 2 months ❤️

 

 

[Charlotte]

❤️????

 

Was able to enjoy English class today due to not becoming overwhelmed due to me putting in extra effort at home. 

These nootropics I got are well sorting out the food cravings, starting to feel normalish again. Wether that's the nicotine leaving the system or the nootropics I don't know. Either way I am grateful to the up most of fucks. 

Get the dogs out now in this beautiful spring sunshine then finish packing for tomorrow. 

[Charlotte]

Open up your heart. You have a  choice ❤️