The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

I found being. I found the eternal everlasting present moment. I thought I had in the past but that was bs. I was still identifying with the present moment. 

During this stillness the odd thought arose but dissolving before they had to chance to develop which brought 'me' back to stillness.

I found myself involuntary going meta on the thoughts so to speak. Witnessing their illusory nature in real time which propelled me deeper into being. Witnessing that thought itself can go meta, it literally is self propelling. 

I closed my eyes, smiled as I sank deeper into this absolutely blissful... Aura (only word I can use to describe).

And that's when it happened. 

I identified with a thought... Fear arose. Panic came. I felt my arms and chest heat and tingle. The beating of my heart hammering away. I was able to deescalate it through distraction which I know is not good, using the fear to distract myself from fear is like going in through the front door which is also the back door which then leads back in through the front door. 

What's happened this morning has shown me ego (me) is petrified. I thought I wasn't afraid of truly letting go but I am.

I've taken this panic attack as a form of distraction. What else is distracting me? What else is subtly a form of fear?

Other insights from the week 

I've been contemplating topics daily. 

When I am bullshitting myself or directing myself further from truth my intuition lets me know. It pops up subtly throughout the day. If you dont listen, you'd never know it's there. 

 

 

The insight is I do feel a small sense of inferiority towards others. Why? Because I feel I know how their minds delude them and trap them. In a nutshell I feel I know them better than what they do...

What an absolute load of shite ?

I don't know jack shit!

I am no 'better' nor different to any other, if anything... I'm more deluded.

Just because I have some knowledge on how the mind tricks itself does not make me inferior. This is just further identity for ego.

Or is it fear? Am I afraid of being deluded by my own mind and it's trickery that I have gained this belief of control?

FUCK! ?

I suddenly feel a sense of zero control... Lost.

I HAVE been deluding myself!!! ????

Oh my god! ???

I'm actually laughing at this. 

I need to go and process this.

[How to be wise]

@Charlotte how did you become a moderator?

[Charlotte]

@How to be wise Because my star sign is Leo and leo intuitively new this so therefore asked me to help moderate 

[Shin]

 

You have 0 control.

You are a thought

You are a misconception

?

[Charlotte]

@Shin I am actually experiencing this zero control but it leaves me with questions shin. 

If we ultimately have no control, what's the point?

I feel (today) as if I have stripped away another huge layer of the self. I think 'I'm' making my way slowly towards nothingness. I genuinely thought killing the self wasn't going to induce this much fear but oh my god was I wrong. Completely and utterly underestimated this... COMPLETELY.

[Shin]

41 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin I am actually experiencing this zero control but it leaves me with questions shin. 

If we ultimately have no control, what's the point?

I feel (today) as if I have stripped away another huge layer of the self. I think 'I'm' making my way slowly towards nothingness. I genuinely thought killing the self wasn't going to induce this much fear but oh my god was I wrong. Completely and utterly underestimated this... COMPLETELY.

Don't you think you're still seeing this no control thing from the point of view of the ego ?

I don't think you would ask this question if you've totally realized this.

Who would categorize this no control thing if there is nothing in control ?

Would there even be any notion of control at that point ?

[Jack River]

7 hours ago, Charlotte said:

I suddenly feel a sense of zero control... Lost.

That’s a great place to be dude...

That feeling will tend to motivate to escape/react, which implies all movement from the past/self(attachment/resistance/identification in action).

To be aware of the constant psychological movement away from what is, to what should be(fear in movement).

That’s awareness dude. 

7 hours ago, Charlotte said:

I need to go and process this.

What needs to be processed? 

Remeber the intelligent action we taked about. The only reason we need to process is to be able to communicate the insight. But the essence of this insight has its root beyond any continuity of process(evaluation/analysis/interpretation). 

You see what-is as it actually is right(the fact). Why process? 

The i who processes is the process?

Edited December 6, 2018 by Jack River

[DrewNows]

@Charlottethank you for sharing this experience! 

It reminds me of when I first took mushrooms. I was in the place of ‘well I’ve accumulated so much knowledge about this and that, I have an open mind and I know how things are/should be’ and with that I had the most scary unimaginable trip 

Letting go is not always easy but understanding it’s out of our control is a good insight 

[Charlotte]

@Shin what do you mean? How?

@Jack River so true!! Thank you for your response Jack ❤️ Why process... Exactly ?

@DrewNows wow! Sounds like a literal mind blowing trip ? bet that threw you off your feet!?

 

[Charlotte]

Been in a weird place from yesterday morning. 

More came after the insight yesterday... 

This path I am is not a path at all. 

I've gone from one identification to another. I've sought more identification along my way. I was under the impression I had no more beliefs, I was wrong. Even that in itself is a belief. 

I'm open minded... Another belief. 

This path towards enlightenment... Another belief, further identification.

I swear this space I'm in at the moment is 'putting the rubber to the road'. Have to remain mindful of when the self starts to look for answers (more identification). The mind detests uncertainty and I'm in that space. 

This space I speak of, I've noticed negative feelings accompanying it. A feeling of sadness. Feel like I'm stood in the middle of a city centre looking at strangers asking them which direction do I go in.

There isn't one is there?

There is no direction. 

[Jack River]

@Charlotte thank you! 

I like reading your posts..very genuine/honest fosho?

[Shin]

17 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin what do you mean? How?

@Jack River so true!! Thank you for your response Jack ❤️ Why process... Exactly ?

@DrewNows wow! Sounds like a literal mind blowing trip ? bet that threw you off your feet!?

 

What I said  

[DrewNows]

57 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

@DrewNows wow! Sounds like a literal mind blowing trip ? bet that threw you off your feet!?

HA you know it...for the next few days I was in a state of shock, rationality had been thrown out the window, and i was left, just not knowing anymore. I'd say it was a brief period of psychosis and a great introduction into spirituality which begun about 6 months later after stumbling onto "the power of now"

What a journey it is until it starts to dissolve away 

[Charlotte]

@Jack River Awesome bro. Have to be honest otherwise what's the actual point? 

@Shin Shin I'm not in a place of no ego. I haven't fully transcended the self. I am noticing less and less self. Shattering. Uncomfortableness, confusion, identity crisis, realising there is nothing to actually stumble upon. 

@DrewNows Oh wow. Thanks for sharing dude ❤️ amazing book to stumble upon. 

[Shin]

1 minute ago, Charlotte said:

@Jack River Awesome bro. Have to be honest otherwise what's the actual point? 

@Shin Shin I'm not in a place of no ego. I haven't fully transcended the self. I am noticing less and less self. Shattering. Uncomfortableness, confusion, identity crisis, realising there is nothing to actually stumble upon. 

@DrewNows Oh wow. Thanks for sharing dude ❤️ amazing book to stumble upon. 

Then don't question too much about those kind of things, you will know it experientially later.

The basic idea though, what I think it will happen, is that there will have no notion of control.
Nothing is controlling anything in the first place, so you can't say you don't have control or something has no control, control never existed.
Which doesn't mean there is no control, it means there is not a notion of control at all, it doesn't even come to your mind to think if you control or not something, because experientially there is only one being that exist.

Just like there is no one else than you, so there can't be a feeling of loneliness, since that means you expect someone else to exist, which isn't the case if you awaken (to a certain level of realization, maybe not at first).
You will be alone, but you won't be able to feel lonely, because there never were anyone else than you.

[Charlotte]

Just making my way back from meeting a load of new people from a bar. They all don't drink so that was nice as the conversation could flow. Never met these people before.

There all yogis or have stumbled upon their spiritual journey.

One a kundalini teacher. She's amazing. She just reeks of love. 

What struck me is I don't have anywhere near as much social anxiety as I used to have. Maybe the odd ear lobe touch or whatever but that's so minimal to me.

Went far away from home on my own into a bustling city centre to meet a load of strangers and the peace remains.

Been working on listening to people holistically, without any opinion whatsoever. Just literally accepting whatever it is they are saying without thought.

Wow. What a difference. Completely free of mind whilst just listening. Beautiful. 

Some girl has fallen asleep beside me on the tram drunk and she woke up in panic thinking she had missed her stop. I said to her. "Don't worry I'll let you know when we arrive if you like?" She was grateful and thanked me... Bless her. 

I do feel I have a willing to look out for other, I feel love for them, not in the romantic sense or as you would love your mum... I don't know. Can't name it. 

 

[Charlotte]

Full of energy today. Was dying to go to the gym but couldn't get round to it so I danced in the kitchen instead (whilst cooking).

Noticed my body craving nutrition so I made a carrot and coriander soup for evening meal. Really muddy organically grown carrots just reeking of vit b 12. Love it. 

Today whilst walking the dog it appeared to be a really miserable day but I saw the beauty in the grey sky, the beauty of the rain drops falling from the tip of my hood and the beauty and sheer miracle of the wind as I passed through it. The road, the trees... Everything is just perfect as it is. 

The dog was so content, so happy. As we were walking I felt so connected to him. The connectedness I feel with all living beings is so beautiful and such miracle like it's literally hard to put it into words. 

Strangers that pass, the grass, the trees, the little pond, even twigs and leaves on the ground. I can feel the connectedness and the energy of everything. I wish someone could take a mile in my shoes to witness how absolutely profoundly beautiful everything is. It reduces me to tears. 

[Charlotte]

Yesterday... 

attended yoga, 2 hours of moving meditation. Blissful. Upon finishing I just wanted to hug everybody. I gave the yoga teacher a massive hug to thank her for the practice. 

Ii wanted to go to the gym but decided to go the supermarket instead. 

I stood on a aisle and my uncle walks round the corner. (Funny isn't it the way the universe works)

He looked knackered. He lives with my grandparents as they are to ill to live on their own.

He said. "The dog Charlotte, she's dying, she needs to be put asleep."

I thought she needs an out of hours vet's rapid. 

I picked her up with Mum and the blood and diarrhea was just pouring from her back end. She was skin and bones. We rushed to the other side of Manchester to the vets. Suspected cancer. Later confirmed. So today we will be probably putting her to sleep. I've never bared witness to such a thing, it's going to be tough but she needs the peace. She has every right to be at peace so I'll find contentment through knowing that. I also have my third therapy session this morning which should be interesting. I'll update later.❤️

[Charlotte]

Today man... Where do I begin...

apart from confronting my own created fear square in the face this was one of the toughest things I've ever had to witness.

She lay gently whilst the vet inserted the euthanasia. I was lay directly besides her. My head on her neck. 

As it entered her body I felt her struggle and heard a powerful groan. This is so tough for me to write. 

She resisted death. The vet said it would take 20/30 seconds. That wasn't the case. The vet had to go back out of the room and get more of whatever it is that killed her. 

By this point my heart was smacking against my chest, I was shaking from head to toe. I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible but this was taking longer than needed. 

Mum was crying in the corner, my gran turned the other way shaking holding her hand over her eye's.

Rosie (dog) didn't die in front of us. Vet said whilst picking her up... "She's extremely sedated now." 

She wasn't. As the vet turned to leave with her Rosie looked me directly in the eye's.  

I've never felt so sad, I'm a mess. There's bouts of anger that keep surfacing but I know that's just sadness and pain. 

We had to carry her body to the car and home to bury her. 

This was by far the hardest thing I've ever witnessed. 

I will now sit in my sadness. Feeling it as consciously as I possibly can. 

Just want to lay in bed with the dogs. 

When I got in my dog knew. I lay in bed and he came over and lay on my head, kissing my face a ridiculous amount and then he lay on my body completely covering me. He's amazing. 

I can feel the pain so rawly. It resides all in my abdominal area and just behind the lower ribs.

It's heavy, really heavy. It feels like a 40kg weight. I feel so flat. This sadness will pass. I am grieving. 

[Charlotte]

So glad I began to this journal. Few years ago I wouldn't ever of confronted my thoughts through such a delicate time. But it genuinely does promote healing and awareness. 

Last night I had vivid dreams of the event. Inevitable. 

Woke up feeling very tired and still very 'heavy' within. 

Kinda sucks I have an exam today and then a huge assesment tomorrow, not a great time if I'm honest but nevermind... Life goes on. 

Yesterday the counselor used an example of a 'rotting dog'. I said. 'That's funny, we are putting a dog to sleep today." Intrigued me that. 

I'm genuinely loving the therapy and I will definitely continue. Awareness is brought to so many behaviours. I realised yesterday the reason I found it so tough to let my ex go was because I was more like his mother than a partner. He didn't have a mother so maybe he unconsciously wanted that from a relationship and I unconsciously moulded myself to be just that. I worried about letting him go. What would he do? How would he live? Where would he live? This is all the same type of thought patterns a mother would have as her children 'fly the nest.'

She also led me to realise I need to communicate my feelings clearly. I don't always say how I truly feel. I've gotten better at it but there's still lots of work to do. By not communicating my feelings clearly I will repress emotions and maybe even start to resent other so my task is to tell people how I truly feel instead of sugar coating it in sprinkles and beating around the bush.  

Also yesterday I was talking about changing oneself to the therapist. I said. "What's funny is as we change parts of ourselves, it's fundamentally killing certain parts of us."

She agreed but then then brought up the use of the word 'killing'

"Why killing, that's a very strong word?" She said. 

I said. "Because it is."

She then said something like. "If your saying that out load I'd hate to know what's going on in there." She pointed to her head. I felt triggered then. I felt offended. Why? ? What can this trigger show me? This is something I'll have to contemplate on. She hit something raw because I actually felt quite pissed off. After that comment I felt she was being slightly judgemental or is that me projecting? Hmmm...

 

 

It's also come to my awareness that I have a slight issue with sugar. After a meal at home I crave something sweet. After my massive weight loss this could be the ego backlash of trying to get me fat again. It ain't going to happen ?. Even though I only take like a piece of dark chocolate the craving is still strong. So I've started swapping chocolate for fruit. I need to eat more fruit anyway. Handful of raspberries, 3 dates and a slice of mango in a small dollop of zero sugar almond yoghurt. What's funny is I don't have sugar in brews, in milk, in sauces, I buy zero sugar EVERYTHING so why on earth I crave something sweet after a meal is beyond me. Habit forming probably.