The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

OK. ❤️

I'm not quite there yet ?

[Charlotte]

"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable"

always trying to escape whatever we determine as uncomfortable. Quote I kept repeating to myself in the gym tonight as my abs where burning, noticed the mind doing everything it could to escape.

[phoenix666]

On 27. August 2019 at 8:01 AM, Charlotte said:

Love is the answer. Always. 

I came to the same conclusion 

 

15 hours ago, Charlotte said:

I find meaning in life by guiding other people to their meaning.

that's beautiful, Charlotte! how do you do that?

[Charlotte]

I'm yet to find the exact route to the how  yet @phoenix666 but I'm exploring everyday ?

[phoenix666]

4 hours ago, Charlotte said:

I'm yet to find the exact route to the how  yet @phoenix666 but I'm exploring everyday ?

me too actually. maybe we can already transmit love, truth and oneness through everything we say and do <3

 

12 minutes ago, Shiva said:

If these people then also find meaning by guiding other people to their meaning and so on, it becomes a giant pyramid scheme towards enlightenment

this forum seems like such a pyramid 

[Charlotte]

13 hours ago, Shiva said:

If these people then also find meaning by guiding other people to their meaning and so on, it becomes a giant pyramid scheme towards enlightenment

And love ?

13 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

me too actually. maybe we can already transmit love, truth and oneness through everything we say and do <3

 

Oh for sure!! I meant in a life purpose form sorry. 

[Charlotte]

Note:

More research around growth and fixed mindset.

Look into limited belief's with Math.

 

[Charlotte]

40 minutes ago, Shiva said:

Math is actually quite awesome. It helps to solve many real world problems.

Out of all the things I learned in school, apart from English, math ended up being the only thing I actually use on a daily basis.

I noticed that when people see how math is applied in practice and how essential it is to so many things, it lifts a barrier in their minds.

Unfortunately, they teach it in a very abstract, intangible manner in school. But it could be made incredibly interesting...

So that's your indirect invitation to teach me then is it? 

[Charlotte]

2 hours ago, Shiva said:

I will personally travel to the UK to give you a private lesson, haha 

Yaaaaaaaay ?? see you in an hour ?

 

 

5 hours ago, Shiva said:

 

 

[Charlotte]

**will update later** 

[Charlotte]

Where do I even begin?... my god.

 

So this part of my life has to be called, rehabilition, life purpose and no time  

 

Basically still at the gym every evening for around 2-3 hours working on specific injuries. Bursitis in right shoulder, tendinitis in right shoulder, slight burstitis in left shoulder, bursitis in right hip and 2 swelled knees in which hey aren't sure why yet. I have had all sort of blood tests done and they have came back fine so its not auto immune related as we know. At the gym every night I follow a set planned training to gain muscle around weak joints, gain flexibility and rehab the other injurires. So that's everything taken up. I started studying again (psychology and math). I am struggling with the math that much that I've had to hire and pay for a private tutor on a Wednesday evening. So a lot of my other time is taken up with attending college or home study. Also after the gym each evening I go on video call to my PT to give him feedback each on each gym session so we can keep a close eye on the pain etc.

 

 With regards to life purpose... I'm pretty sure I have found it (99%). I dedicate other slots of my time to reading books and studying my hobbies (psychology, coaching and consciousness work). 

 

What else has been going on... where do I even start ...

Okay so with regards to the new relationship... all I'm gonna say is one word... mirroring and questioning. 

 

This relationship has probably been the biggest factor for personal growth I have ever come across. I've never suffered so much 

 

If you take 100% responsibility for the way you feel 100% of the time you will grow. Fact. 

 

I've also gone through and are going through many of existential crisis due to questioning and contemplation. I honestly hand on heart have no fucking idea what  is real anymore. I don't even know if 'truth' exists. Is truth something humans created to feel comfortable? Who knows. Everything is a perspective inside a simulation. Last night i went through what can only be described as a 'mini' ego death of sorts. I came to realise that I had taken Leos teachings, spirituality on as an ideology. Last night during meditation this occurred: demonic images and my greatest fears occurred, flashing in my minds eye over and over again I reacted with tears but I remained still and present. Then the insight occurred (as I mentioned I have been questioning over and over ((paired with microdosing))). Resistance was obviously super strong but after letting go and surrendering I burst out in to a deep state of sadness. It felt as if I was letting go of an old friend or something. Letting an old lover go.  Very hard to try and communicate this into words. 

 

Okay... so what else has been going on. I've continued microdosing which has been a roller coaster of a journey. 

 

I've been working with limited beliefs I didn't know I had. Working on old childhood stuff that has been unconsciously keeping me stuck as an adult. I've actually taken responsibility for my learning and I'm now able to go away from college and do all my own empirical investigations into what the college curriculum states as truth. I have been becoming more and more creative, this creativity has just been beaming out of me lately and I've been looking at different new ways of channeling this energy. I had some messages and hidden signals in my dream that I have been following up with

 

((gonna post this before My battery goes)) 1/2...

 

 

[Charlotte]

Today has been tough, One of the injuries has flared up immensely and I found myself feeling somewhat shit as the mobility is restricted enough without more issues. 

I asked myself out loud. "What is the lesson in this?"

I came to the conclusion it's acceptance. That's the lesson. 

There is a reason as to why there's so many injuries present at the moment and for some reason I don't feel it all stems from my biology. I feel this is deeper. Too many injuries in such a short space of time, it's like coincidence or something. 

There's a lesson in there somewhere and I'm still searching.

I've also been practicing vulnerability. A lot, this seems to be a theme at the moment. Last month I had an odd evening in which I could feel ego, literally, trying to control and cause the suffering, I stripped off all my clothes on the bed and surrendered to 'myself' I cried and cried, I held my palms up to the ceiling and screamed through teared eyes. "take it then! (me, ego) I don't care anymore!" I just didn't give a fuck anymore. The suffering I had gone through that weekend led me to that point... to a surrendering to 'myself' literally observing 'myself' in all it's glory. After all, we only hide and lie to ourselves ultimately anyway so I exposed myself to 'myself'

It was odd but liberating (afterwards)

So in the relationship currently I observe the way ego protects itself and hides behind certain narratives and concepts in the mind. I expose myself to my partner and by doing this leaves no room to hide, It's painful... fuck its painful, I expose through gritted teeth but I know that's what I need to do. 
 

[Charlotte]

I also managed to finish math homework today which is a new thing for me, finally taken responsibility of my learning after realising that society had wiped my arse for far too long. As a child growing up education wasn't really a value so I was able to walk out of school and skip school with no punishment from my parents. They never forced me to do anything academically. Over the last 6/7 months or so I started learning how to learn but amidst that process limiting beliefs and old patterns showed which I have been working through. I'm finally getting to a place now where I'm actually learning and researching independently. Very liberating and new

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

I noticed the way I understand something is to learn about it's origin and the deeper meaning behind it. This is exactly how I learn, this is what engages me and draws me deeper into the subject regardless of what it may be.

[flume]

On 18/10/2019 at 0:54 AM, Charlotte said:

I also managed to finish math homework today which is a new thing for me, finally taken responsibility of my learning after realising that society had wiped my arse for far too long. As a child growing up education wasn't really a value so I was able to walk out of school and skip school with no punishment from my parents. They never forced me to do anything academically. Over the last 6/7 months or so I started learning how to learn but amidst that process limiting beliefs and old patterns showed which I have been working through. I'm finally getting to a place now where I'm actually learning and researching independently. Very liberating and new

The problem is that we never really got to choose what we want to learn so school becomes a drag. I experienced the same. When I got out of school I was so happy to finally be done with it all. But after some time the itch to learn and study came back and all of a sudden it's so enjoyable. You really can't force yourself to learn, it happens automatically. Our schooling system is still pretty backwards.
Love reading your journal! Keep up the good work Charlotte! X

[Charlotte]

@flume Exactly. We where just fed what they wanted. 

Can I ask why you find learning enjoyable? Specifically? 

You can't force it no, it has to come from an intrinsic place. For a while I disregarded learning because I had this belief that it would 'take away' or not 'leave room' for wisdom (believe it or not ) I found learning to be a burden. I hope I am still wise to the limitations and traps of learning but I try and use the bits I need to actualize my life purpose. 

 

It's definitely backwards yes, first they should teach us how to learn and also how to validate things for yourself rather than shove things down our throats ((although they have also had things shoved down their throats)). Would take a conscious person in government to help overthrow this nonsense educational system. 

 

Thank you lovely  Xx

[Charlotte]

There is only silence
On the mountain tops
Among the tips of the trees
You perceive barely a breath
Even the birds in the forest
Keep still and are silent
Wait then 
Just a little while longer
And you too
Will find peace at last

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

I'm coming back. Changes have to be made. Learning growth learning growth. I got this. 

 

This isn't about the destination, the journey is the destination. Life is the journey. Every single moment is the journey. Now.