The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

On 22/06/2019 at 0:33 PM, Shiva said:

Great! IMO the world needs more less militant, less dogmatic vegans to improve the mainstream perception of veganism, such that it can hopefully scale to the masses.

Exactly! I'm finding that saying absolutely nothing and just leading by example is more effective. 

 

Yes... Learning anything with no motivation is pretty pointless isn't it... Your definitely more prone to procrascination and even giving up. 

 

Oh perfect! Thanks for the recommendation I'll check that out now! 

Hope you have an awesomesauce day yourself my good man ?

@Shin  cheers Shinshin 

 

♥️

[Charlotte]

 

[Michael569]

On 21/06/2019 at 6:25 PM, Shiva said:

I see you comment a lot on nutrition-related topics and just wanted to say thank you! I find your contributions especially insightful helpful, a real pleasure to read your comments!

thanks mate glad someone finds it helpful. To me it feels like I always get opportunity to refresh stuff from college haha Love reading your comments as well...you have an excelent broad perspective and seem to see things from many different angles instead of sticking to one opinion. One of the reasons why I come to this forum is the abundance of high quality comments that you don't see anywhere else really. 

[Charlotte]

Phone is broken and I can't access. (No laptop) ?

[DrewNows]

Well go ahead...?

cry us a river ? ?

edit: sorry bout the phone, also to be clear I’m pushing buttons tonight, js 

Edited June 27, 2019 by DrewNows

[Charlotte]

On 27/06/2019 at 6:17 AM, DrewNows said:

Well go ahead...?

cry us a river ? ?

edit: sorry bout the phone, also to be clear I’m pushing buttons tonight, js 

??

[Charlotte]

Yaaaaaaaaay I'm back ?

Gonna update the shit outta this later after the gym. Can't wait to journal the thoughts. 

Need to get it all out onto here as I've not been physically journaling either. 

♥️

[Charlotte]

My head's fucking mashed at the minute. I'm paranoid as fuck in my own head. I don't know what's real anymore. 

I'm unbelievably aware of self delusion that I don't know if I'm self deluding anymore. I'm paranoid I'm microdosing too much. What if this is the psychedelics fucking with my head? 

I've got to a dose now where it's literally just below threshold. This is how people go mad innit? 

 

or is it? It could just be more thought. I'm doing my own head in. All day yesterday people were giving me this vibe I was giving this vibe and I was so aware of myself I was like am I? But that could just be more thought ?

I'm so busy at the moment. Gym 5 night's a week for rehabilitation with my injury (it got crazy out of control) and loads of other shit. 

 

Hold on... I've just realised something... This could be because I'm due on my period... I know what thought gets like at that time. Erratic. 

I need to ground myself rapid. I can feel fear again. 

Fuck it then... Come at me fear. Met fear too many times to know the game.

[Charlotte]

There is learning somewhere for me and I'm not sure what it is. It keeps coming up and going then coming. It comes in small wave's, there's a message hidden within. I'm ready to see it..I want to learn. 

 

I've also been constantly thinking about DMT all the time for some reason. I've tried actively letting it go but it keeps coming back round, feels right to pursue it. Not gonna think too much into it just gonna do it. Maybe the message is in there. 

 

 

fuck

 ?

?

 

 

 

[Shin]

Are you really 100% sure psychedelics aren't modifying and fucking your brain ?
I mean ok, they aren't addictive, but that doesn't mean they can't have side effect that fucks you up on the long run.

I find it super irresponsible from Leo to advocate for them without saying there could be side effect, and possible brain chemistry disorder
It's not like there is that much study on them, most of them are illegal, new or rarely used ...

Also, are they really getting you anywhere you couldn't go without them ?
I for sure never needed them and I'm pretty fine, Natasha too, and many others.

Your choice to take that risk.

[Charlotte]

26 minutes ago, Shin said:

Are you really 100% sure psychedelics aren't modifying and fucking your brain ?

No I'm not. I mean but what is modification and fucking with the brain anyway? 

I can never be sure until one day I might find myself on a mental health ward but if that is the way shit goes then that's the way shit goes. I don't perceive mental health issues like I used to shin. There isn't an 'issue' there. In comparison to what exactly? 

I do feel my time with mushrooms is coming to end, I don't know why. 

Leo does outline risks but at the end of the day it's our responsibility to do our research and our responsibility ultimately.

[Charlotte]

This is hugely hormone related. I'm literally observing the shift's hour by hour. One minute I'm knackered next minute I'm productive and happy af , next half hour I'm insecure as shit. ?

[DrewNows]

You’re crazy (AS FUCK), just admit it. You don’t need any of these tools to go mad ?. But perhaps it’s time to take a break, have you allowed for integration to happen after your trip? 

What are you trying to prove to yourself, and are you trying to chase something psychologically? 

Check your body intunement, is it speaking to you? When in doubt, bring love (acceptance) to that doubt. 

Take care char 

edit: btw I’ve had LSD on my mind recently as well 

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by DrewNows

[Michael569]

On 04/07/2019 at 11:41 AM, Charlotte said:

This is hugely hormone related. I'm literally observing the shift's hour by hour. One minute I'm knackered next minute I'm productive and happy af , next half hour I'm insecure as shit.

I've had something similar during my recent panic/anxiety attack session. Excess emotional baggage came up on surface and shit hit the fan at the snap of the fingers. Drop everything on weekend, hit your nearest nature reserve and take it all in for 12 hours. The mind needs a reset. 

+ (materialist advice) take good care of your nutrition, could be lack of calming neurotransmitters and excess cortisol production. Good fats and good sources of protein  

++ Australian Bush Flower Essence have a remedy called "Calm & Clear" sold in most Neal's Yard places , might help

[Charlotte]

On 04/07/2019 at 1:24 PM, DrewNows said:

You’re crazy (AS FUCK), just admit it. You don’t need any of these tools to go mad ?. But perhaps it’s time to take a break, have you allowed for integration to happen after your trip? 

What are you trying to prove to yourself, and are you trying to chase something psychologically? 

Check your body intunement, is it speaking to you? When in doubt, bring love (acceptance) to that doubt. 

Take care char 

edit: btw I’ve had LSD on my mind recently as well 

 

? Your a bloody legend. Made me giggle. 

Your absolutely right, definitely a time to take a break. I realised this yesterday. Just gonna up the meditation and leave mushys alone. 

Yeah I'd say I've allowed for integration BUT there is no black and white answer is there with regards to integration. There's no instructions. 

Am I trying to prove anything to myself or chase something? In my opinion I'd say no. I just become more aware and conscious of my own delusions/ego so I'm able to work 'to the point' if that makes sense? 

Yeah my body is definitely communicating a strong message to me and I know what it is. Take a break, relax, ground yourself.

Oh has it? You gonna act on it? 

[Charlotte]

9 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I've had something similar during my recent panic/anxiety attack session. Excess emotional baggage came up on surface and shit hit the fan at the snap of the fingers. Drop everything on weekend, hit your nearest nature reserve and take it all in for 12 hours. The mind needs a reset. 

+ (materialist advice) take good care of your nutrition, could be lack of calming neurotransmitters and excess cortisol production. Good fats and good sources of protein  

++ Australian Bush Flower Essence have a remedy called "Calm & Clear" sold in most Neal's Yard places , might help

Hope your feeling okay after your session ❤️ I'm glad it came up for you. Is everything okay now? You managing okay? 

Love your advice Michael, spoken deeply to me.

Thanks so much for the other advice, I honestly never omit the nutrition, it's a way of life. 

Oh I'll look into the bush flower. Thanks bud 

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Your a bloody legend. Made me giggle. 

feels good to be good   (appreciate the good vibers) 

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Yeah I'd say I've allowed for integration BUT there is no black and white answer is there with regards to integration. There's no instructions. 

This is the most beautiful thing, you get to create all your limitations, the integration is simply watching the self come and go, continuously falling in love with every aspect both positive and negative. There's no true change without complete love and acceptance

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Am I trying to prove anything to myself or chase something? In my opinion I'd say no. I just become more aware and conscious of my own delusions/ego so I'm able to work 'to the point' if that makes sense? 

Yeah my body is definitely communicating a strong message to me and I know what it is. Take a break, relax, ground yourself.

 

Not sure 'to the point' is something i understand exactly as there isn't an actual point. We are forever groundless whether we choose to think so or not  Is it possible to trust and love ourselves completely? (this is the true test we have been sent here to do imo)

There's only one way to find out if it's possible to consciously create all the thoughts you desire with the focus of a reality you wish to see

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

Oh has it? You gonna act on it?

I don't believe it was a true desire, i wont force it but if it manifests as a potential opportunity with the right setting ill gladly embrace such an experience

[Charlotte]

5 hours ago, DrewNows said:

This is the most beautiful thing, you get to create all your limitations, the integration is simply watching the self come and go, continuously falling in love with every aspect both positive and negative. There's no true change without complete love and acceptance

This is literally what I have been doing. Just observing the ebb and flow of change with acceptance (with work) of everything. 

5 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Not sure 'to the point' is something i understand exactly as there isn't an actual point. We are forever groundless whether we choose to think so or not  Is it possible to trust and love ourselves completely? (this is the true test we have been sent here to do imo)

It's tough to communicate what I mean. You're absolutely right.

Definitely I'm starting to realise this. 

Yeah this morning has been fucking eye opening and healing with regards to self love. 

Will update journal later. ?

 

[Charlotte]

It's been a fucking odd week. 

Anxiety'sville all week. Not felt this for sooooo long. I could tell a lot of it was hormone related though. Other parts of it definitely wasn't. 

I've just got into a new relationship. 

Completely fucking different this time. He's 'aware' if you want to put it like that. Hate labels though. 

So yeah obviously very new this relationship but I've learnt so much already (about myself) already it's hard to believe. 

As I'm at this level of awareness in this relationship, it has already mirrored such deep shit within me that I thought had gone. 

Its literally brought all these behaviours up that I even I was shocked at. 

So I've been working on these behaviours bit by bit. Any time I felt triggered I knew there was something that needed working on and believe me... I've felt triggered an awful fucking lot. 

This relationship has already provided me with such depth into my own unconscious shit already. I'm so grateful. 

So friday, I'm with him and I can just feel this baseline of fear humming away in the background within. This has been so prevalent in the past week but Friday it was so huge it was causing physical symptoms. It was becoming out of control. 

I was observing thought and how it was being created to create this mess. 

Friday night I went to sleep next to him thinking about insecure shit. 

Through the night I had a nightmare about rejection from him. 

I woke up Saturday morning and this nightmare had left an awful taste in my mouth so to speak. I got up in the same state as I'd gone to bed. 

I lay there knowing this needed addressed. What was it? Why was it? I'm very good at introspection and facing up to my own behaviours and manipulations so I was ready for it. 

I lay there and grounded myself into a meditative state. (He was asleep beside me). I was searching for answers as to why this was happening, how I was causing this, looking for the deep thoughts and beliefs around this. I noticed the way the mind even tried to blame him for how I was feeling. There was thoughts of running away, of excuses, all the usual shit. I knew I was creating this so all that was bullshit. 

I continued contemplation for some time. Then I realised something. 

As I was observing contemplation I noticed the tone of the internal dialogue around the insecurities (these insecurities have been present for maaaaaaaany years from very early childhood) and how it talks about anything related to insecurities. The way the mind has been demonising this insecure part, heavily for fucking years. 

This was a huge insight for me because I then realised I had been resisting and creating even gteater suffering by rejecting this aspect of the shadow. 

I visually then grabbed the young, scared, extremely insecure, fearful side of 'myself' by the hand and walked her into this blindingly, glowing, yellow beam of love, I felt the love throughout my chest so I applied it to this side of myself visually. I let her know it was all okay and that she is deeply loved. I could actively feel the resistance to doing this. It was immensely tough. I did this over and over and as I did it I cried so fucking deeply, weeping so painfully but so freeingly at the same time. 

This was it. All those years of insecurities and the pain that had come with them where being healed in this exact moment. I could feel the release. 

He woke up and grabbed me so tightly. I told him vaguely through tears what was happening. 

I was hiding my vulnerabilities from him and I wasn't even aware of it until this very moment because in this very moment I was the most vulnerable I had ever been. 

After all that had happened I changed as a person. I felt free, even the relationship felt the changes, I felt I could completely be myself around him, I was no longer holding back, I didn't care anymore I was just flowing, my internal dialogue had even changed, my perspective of myself and of him had changed..

This, I feel is what mushrooms have done for me, slowly but extremely carefully brought me to a space of complete acceptance and love. 

Wow. ❤️

 

[Charlotte]

This week has been difficult with hormones everywhere. I have been 'riding the wave's' so to speak but at time they have definitely caught me. 

They arise in the form of anxiety and neediness. 

I've been going to the gym for almost 2 hours every night following this rehabilitation programme and I'm absolutely amazed at how much it helps towards hormonal imbalances. Not only that but I've also had the chance to outwardly focus the pent up frustration from the hormonal imbalance at the gym. 

The gym has also become a place of meditation and of insights to thought. 

This week I've also been smashing the procrastination list I've had for years so I've been somewhat busy mentally and physically. 

Been doing a lot of CBT work and work around opening the heart even further. Realising still my delusions and manipulations which so occur every day.