The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

The body doesn't want to fast. I have realised this. The only reason I wanted to fast was to give away control because I couldn't control what I was eating. So starting fasting again gave the control to the clock. Realised this yesterday. 

I think the body is at its optimum weight and the reason fasting stopped was because I shouldn't go any lower. 

 

 

New practice that's organically flourished over the past month. Yes I was previously doing it to a degree but not like this. 

When I meet a being, talk with a being, interact with a being, get shouted at and criticized by a being (being, being a person or animal) I am ignoring whatever it is the words they are using and looking at myself. What is the lesson I can take away in this? It's easier said than done when your being heavily criticised and patronised but I feel this is very important.

[Shin]

46 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

?

The fuck is that ?

[Charlotte]

Found it in my emoji keyboard and it made me laugh so you can have some.

[Shin]

 

 

[Charlotte]

@Shin ? Dick

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin ? Dick

?

[Charlotte]

@Shin 

 

just got back from the deepest journey I've ever endured. So deep there was no me anymore  

Got to blast some of these veggies and I'll journal this. It's needed.

[Shin]

[Charlotte]

Breath work workshop with gongs

50 minutes of continues breath work followed by 20 minutes of normal breathing with gongs. 

 

We bagan. Lied down. Underneath a throw with my sock across my eyes. I took my hoodie off because I knew I would get sweaty. 

I started to breath. Ego kicked in straight away. "Can't be bothered doing this for an hour." Blah blah blah. I felt the resistance to the activity. I remained with the breath. After however long... I had gone. I was no longer me. I started to cry, started to tense my fists in complete resistance to something, I was holding on to something. I could feel this energy in the upper chest,  pushing down on me. My lungs filled with air as I conjured up this huge fucking emotion... I heard distant blurred voices. 'This is what you wanted isn't it?' my back arched as I sat up holding onto but releasing this emotion at the same time. I felt one of the ladies place her hands on my legs to ground me. I felt someone else place her hands on my head. She whispered. 'surrender.' 'I can't!.' I cried. This surrender it was asking for was to come from the core, my very being, it was a universal surrender I had yet to experience. 

I raised my arms, my body shaking like a pneumatic drill, I placed my hands on her arms for some sort of support I needed. Tears where pouring down my face. I felt this beautiful sensation specifically around the areas of the body that are injured. My hip and lower back where being loved it felt. I started laughing, hysterically. Don't know why.

Then I felt something I have never felt before. This light, this enengy of what felt like complete love (I don't even think love is the right word it feels to shallow) where emanating through my being and out of my fingers, toes head and chest. I hysterically laughed... 'its love! It's love!' accurate representation...

I don't think I remember what happened after that. I remember the gongs slowing down, an indication for us to slow the breath. But I felt like I wasn't there. I wasn't there anymore. I brought the nervous system back down. I started to feel into the body more. I was pissed wet through with sweat, my whole body was tingling head to toe, my hands where locked in a crab like way, it felt like I was floating. I could feel the tension in the body, holding onto something, I knew if I let go via the body the mind would follow so that's what I did. I flopped everything, my head arm's face. 

Then... The gongs began, in such a way I've never heard. Hypnotising, tranquilizing.

This was something else.

I lost consciousness.

All of a sudden a piercing feeling of fear startled and woke me... BOOM! It smashed my chest like a pane of glass. I opened my eyes under my sock and removed it slightly to look at the ceiling. 

... 'who am I? Where am I?' The devil woke me up. I just felt the devil, he woke me, he said hi, he showed his face.

This devil was me. 

My head was fucked. I observed the breath to pass through the panic, the body felt ready to run. Sprint. Get out of here NOW, adrenaline coursing. I observed and placed the sock back over my eye's. 

I lost consciousness again through the power of the gongs, another noise woke me, but I didn't wake. I was the noise. I was the traveling noise. 

I could feel the every fucking cell in the body dancing. Moving, vibrating. 

I kept drifting between the self and the Self.

 

But every time I came back to the self with a lower case S I was so confused. I literally had no fucking idea what was going on. 

Eventually it was time to return back to the body. I gently eventually sat up and just stared at the stain glass window, I wasn't trying to figure out anything but there was nothing there at the same time. I was sat frowning with s confused feeling but not thinking if that makes sense. 

I do feel like I have started something I need to finish. Don't know why but I feel there is unfinished business to take care of. I have awakened something.

Powerful shit. 

 

[Shin]

Maybe now you will stop saying it's easy and that I should do it right now, easy,

Bitch.

[Charlotte]

I have never said it's easy Shin. I also said go do it right now jokingly. 

Twat.

[Shin]

So did it happen again last night ?

That nice panic with a good feeling of forthcoming death

HUUUUUUM YUMMY !!!

[Leo Gura]

@Charlotte Good stuff.

Yeah, it helps to have a deep theoretical foundation in spirituality to make sense of experiences like this.

Yeah, nonduality is so radical it does not make sense to the lowercase self. Takes a lot of trips to make sense of it all.

Psychedelics make it much easier as that breathing is hard work and gets pretty messy. The breathing works more at the bodily level than the mental/understanding level. That's still useful, but don't be surprised if it doesn't make sense.

[Charlotte]

@Leo Gura @Shin(sorry shin ignore)

 

@Leo Gura Thanks for your feedback. Yeah I think this time round it was much deeper because of the microdosing and contemplation I have been doing.

Do we need to make sense of stuff like this Leo? Does it need to be questioned? Isn't this the self trying to latch on to experience then? I'm confused about this. 

What do you mean by,

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The breathing works more at the bodily level than the mental/understanding level

 

[Charlotte]

Shit is shifting. Coming up. Oh my fucking god this is tough. I was stood talking to my mate yesterday and I just merged with her ? then I felt the panic again slightly (fuck you @Shin) 

In order to heal other I must first heal myself. 

This is my calling. 

I feel the pull. 

I am going to microdose today and go and sit in a log cabin and be. It is underneath the surface, this won't take much to uncover. It's coming out via energy movements in the hands, I keep moving my hands in mudra like movements involuntary. 

[Shin]

You're so gonna die

?

[Charlotte]

@Shin I can see why you would run from it or repress it but I could see the repression of such force could set you back some time. 

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin I can see why you would run from it or repress it but I could see the repression of such force could set you back some time. 

 

No clue what you're meaning.

[Charlotte]

You turned to distraction didn't you (repression) but I could see by doing so it would prolong the inevitable.

[Charlotte]

I'm ready. 

Today is the day.