The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Currently sat in the cnm clinic and I've had my initial consultation. She asked me absolutely everything 

There were around 7 other people watching (for her) which didn't bother me. 

They have literally my whole medical life story and diet so they're currently working on a plan, really intrigued to see what they come up with. 

After here I'm going to nip to a small cafe and get something to eat. 

Will update later

[Charlotte]

@Michael569 Do you mind if I message you later with some questions regarding the plan she gave me? 

[Charlotte]

Taken a microdose around an hour ago. I definitely feel something. 

Some fear present or rather an energy.

Sat down to study and just wanted to sing  (fuck) so I sang. I realised singing (as is dancing) is literally just an expression of energy. As could be any other hobby. It's ways of doing expressing energy via form. 

I also need to stop judging. Seriously. Myself more so. 

Gonna get back to studying hopefully () Later will update on CNM appointment from yesterday.

[Charlotte]

 

[Charlotte]

Also I finally, deeply understand exactly what Leo had been going on about when he refers to actual direct experience rather than just conceptual knowing. 

 

[Shin]

Charlotte hair

 

 

 

 

Charlotte eyebrows

 

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Shin

[Charlotte]

@Shin ?????????

[Charlotte]

How do I even begin to explain yesterday... I'm not even going to bother. Head was everywhere. I had some cannabis on Sunday night, an extremely small amount and then Monday morning I microdosed with mushrooms. I should of thought twice before doing the mushrooms with the weed still in my system. Also I think I'm due on my period again as I've been extremely emotional over absolutely nothing. Yesterday I battled with food cravings again and studied and slept the majority of the day. I slept a further 2 hours in the day time which is not like me. 

I paid for some suppliments the CNM students recommended to help control sugar levels (cravings) I got them next day delivery as I'm that desperate so they should be here today. I'm definitely gaining a bit of weight  

Starting to wonder if this quitting nicotine is worth it. 95% of mind time is literally consumed with food thoughts and it's becoming that bad like I'm crying as it's torture.... 

Nah, it is worth it. I'll get through it. It will pass. 

Gonna have another brew and then sit for some serious meditation. 

[Charlotte]

I'm being way to harsh on myself. Mum said I am trying to do to much at once. I agree. I'm going to back off from some things for the time being and go back to basics. 

This week:

Increase meditation

More exercise

Better study balance

 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

I'm being way to harsh on myself. Mum said I am trying to do to much at once. I agree. I'm going to back off from some things for the time being and go back to basics. 

This week:

Increase meditation

More exercise

Better study balance

 

Yeah you are.

The nicotine thing is classic addict behavior though, it would be easy to think you need to slow down on this and get back full addict on it.

Edited April 2, 2019 by Shin

[Zigzag Idiot]

3 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Starting to wonder if this quitting nicotine is worth it. 95% of mind time is literally consumed with food thoughts and it's becoming that bad like I'm crying as it's torture.... 

Around 1999-2000 I quit after smoking 1to 2 packs/day for 15 years. The first 8 weeks were hell. Living by the minute,,, I found truth in the three minute rule for cravings and just breathed through it. I felt like a rabid dog. After about 10 days I decided anything goes and ate pain pills for about the next 6 weeks to distract myself from the nicotine cravings. Not very orthodox but it got me through the first couple months.  Added a second thorn to help extract the first,,, Wiping off blood with blood,,,, The cravings were definitely less after 3 months. Not an easy time,,,,

Cravings finally went away completely after about a year. They do go away. 

[Charlotte]

@Shin thanks Shin. ❤️

@Zigzag Idiot pain pills? As in paracetamol? Jesus from what you said it sounded like you really did suffer greatly. I feel you bro ? it's horrid. I've just bought some suppliments to help with blood sugar levels recommended by a nutritionist. See how I get on with them. Glimpses of normality do shine through now and again and it's like being able to take a massive deep breath and filling the lungs. 

Like a rabid dog, exactly.

Well done on getting through it mate. That's a whole lot of addiction you quit! 

[Shin]

When I stopped smoking, I thought I had lung cancer.

?

[Charlotte]

@Shin really?? Bit backward ?

[Zigzag Idiot]

27 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

pain pills? As in paracetamol?

Hydrocodone.

At the time, I thought of it as 'better living through chemistry '.

[Charlotte]

@Zigzag Idiot ah right. Fair enough. 

[Charlotte]

Been a tough old few days. Starting to feel better again. 

Mock exam today, went as well as it could of done. 

Came home and I went shopping for paint for the house. 

Then tea time approached and I thought I'm not hungry, I battled with plating it up or not. 2 minutes later I thought fuck it I'm going gym. 

Just got back from the gym and I'm buzzing I went. 

[Charlotte]

Still alive 

Will update later ?

[Charlotte]

On my way to do some activism. 

Bring some stage yellow on their vegan asses 

(note to illusory self () don't get involved with testosterone riddled men, they're bad news) ?

[zambize]

14 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

On my way to do some activism. 

Bring some stage yellow on their vegan asses 

That's my kind of activism 

Have fun!  Or get yelled at and abused, which can be fun too if you're spiritual enough