The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Okay well I we were all in a ceremonial circle in a living room and it was a beautiful setting. He was making different teas with different mushrooms and we got a cup of each (about 7/8 in all) towards the end I felt completely rested in awareness and everyone was talking around me and I felt just like I was in this force in the middle of everyone's word's. Then...

Boom. 

Panic came. 

Picture this... all sat in a small circle, around 8 of you...cross legged, by the time the panic had come everyone was silent. The panic came literally out of fucking no where. I had to conceal it. My palms suddenly started pissing through, the room was turning upside down and my heart was coming out of my chest. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears. "As if NOW!" I said to myself. I couldn't show people ... Hiding it was the hardest thing in the universe. My body temperature sky rocketed so the room was becoming unbearable. I just wanted to get up and run off, run outside but I knew that would be running from the panic so I sat with it and just listened to my heart beat. Just observed it. It slowly started to decrease.

Then another wave arose as if from no where. 

once again I observed the heart beat and eventually it declined. 

...Oh my god  

I laughed to myself at what had just happened. I couldn't believe how well I hid it and just sat through it in the environment I was in. 

Madness I tell thee.

 

[DrewNows]

How long have you had panic attacks? what do you know about them? Im jut genuinely interested.

I have a step brother I havent seen in years who has had some troubles with panic attacks. I literally havent seen him since i heard about him having them but i really have no clue about them, why they occur, how they occur, I may have developed a natural talent for suppressing/pushing away fears. There was this one time when i was trying out shamanic breathing, there was this surge of fear that came over me exactly like my only trip. when it happened during the breathing work i automatically quit and went to talk about it, possibly again avoiding the actual experience of that fear

[Charlotte]

Had them for a year. They started when someone spiked me with drugs. Apparently once you get one your guaranteed to get at least another one. Basically if you don't learn to manage them you would have them for the rest of your life because you would create fear on top of fear (constantly fearing the next one and next one and so on)

What do I know about them? As in what happens to the physical body or? 

Why they occur? Sometimes it can be an instant identification with thought, sometimes they can just spring upon you from nowhere, probably another identification with a thought. I've noticed I'm able to disidentify with the clear voice dialogue that runs but when the smaller voice appears, the thoughts that are so unbelievably quick, your not even sure what has been said, I still identify with that one. I recko that's what happened last night. I was going into a place completely unknown and I must of identified with a quick almost unconscious thought. 

Why and how has the same answer. Identification with thought that leads to fear. 

Yes I understand what you mean about the shamanic breathing instance you've mentioned. It does sound like you avoided it through fear. I recommend facing it and going as deep into it as possible. 

Do what I have done (it's not easy) over and over again, whenever the fear arises go into the fear using the root thought (the one that triggered you) as a tool, use it to propel the fear as much as possible, e.g. a root thought that triggers a panic attack could be. "I'm going insane." When the panic attack comes, keep saying that to yourself over and over and over until your submerged in the fear, try and remain and conscious as possible throughout and watch for ways you try and avoid the fear. E.g. getting up and walking away, becoming fidgety, pacing, even other thoughts. Then you come out the other side. 

Or once the fear arises, propel it again using the feared root  thought and then contemplate fear as your in it. I have recently done this (refer to earlier journal post ☝️) 

[DrewNows]

Thank you Charlotte ?

appreciate hearing what you know about them. It’s really tough for me to bring about any fear. I’ll definitely give it a go again and find out what happens! 

What you describe about how the panic attack is triggered i find interesting. It’s like a narrowing of awareness perception which creates a veil you operate from...in this state you’re powerless to your thoughts. Smaller voice thoughts like triggered emotional reactions and belief flashings in your minds eye. I still get into these states and you’re right in being this very fear which has you paralyzed. 

Do you notice in this state there’s a “me and the world” separation creating a “me and my emotions” division? It sometimes stems from control 

 

[Charlotte]

Yeah make sure to keep me updated @DrewNows

13 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Do you notice in this state there’s a “me and the world” separation creating a “me and my emotions” division? It sometimes stems from control

Yes! Great insight you have just given me. Thank you. 

Yes definitely comes from control. How to surrender the control??

[Charlotte]

Need to show myself some unbelievable love over the next 24 hours. Sometimes it's really hard during PMT. Today (apart from when I was outside walking) I felt really low in energy and just blaaaaaah. The dog walk was absolutely awesome though. Could of walked for hours. It's just pure meditation in nature ❤️

I'm remaining conscious of thought but when it's PMT I don't think it's thought related it's just hormones going mental. 

I'm not accepting how I'm currently feeling, I feel absolutely hanging ? makes you feel like a big gangly wobbly lump, only words I can think of to describe ?

Just got to accept and stop resisting. 

Tomorrow night I'll be attending my first breath work workshop. Long journey to get there but it will be worth it. Gonna sit for meds, practice some self love and then go to sleep ❤️

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

Also it sounds like usually a trauma is what triggers panic attacks. If you were to relive the trauma in your head would it induce a panic attack i wonder...may be beneficial 

13 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Yes definitely comes from control. How to surrender the control??

I continue to investigate this in my life. Unfortunately my answer to this is unhelpful and not something we don't already know. Taking a counter-intuitive measure of "letting be" the minds need for control, maybe its purpose is psychological security. To see if it can be recognized/observed within ourselves to see it for what it is. maybe its purpose is psychological security. does control=fear=desire=self? is this seen as a fact. 

For most of my life and since not too long ago i had a fear of blood or really anything showing in depth physical bodily harm. Certain gory movies, getting a shot, or even cutting my finger, would result in this unpleasant experience. It would create a psychological response ---fainting, loss of vision, bright blur vision, breaking into a sweat etc. (blood loss in the head). Something my mother suffers from as well. Only in the past few years have i really started to understand how it works, suppose i owe it to an expansion of awareness and self undertanding. I know how it could be triggered and why, theres no longer fear around it, and it doesn't ever have to happen again. If it did i would easily be able to dissolve it.

The audio recording on this thread is about surrender. good stuff

 

[Charlotte]

Yes I'll look into the trauma itself thank you. 

See the thing is this is what happens

'I' enter into the unknown > I observe clear fear thoughts > able to detach > deeper into the unknown > very quick thought in the minds eye I can barely make out > identify > panic > surrender > surrender > love

I need to work on surrendering that middle section, the moment between the very quick thought that I identify with. Then I've nailed it. 

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

does control=fear=desire=self? is this seen as a fact. 

100% yes. I've witnessed this. 

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

For most of my life and since not too long ago i had a fear of blood or really anything showing in depth physical bodily harm. Certain gory movies, getting a shot, or even cutting my finger, would result in this unpleasant experience. It would create a psychological response ---fainting, loss of vision, bright blur vision, breaking into a sweat etc. (blood loss in the head). Something my mother suffers from as well. Only in the past few years have i really started to understand how it works, suppose i owe it to an expansion of awareness and self undertanding. I know how it could be triggered and why, theres no longer fear around it, and it doesn't ever have to happen again. If it did i would easily be able to dissolve it.

This is brilliant that you have done the work around this dude. I also have the same fear when it comes to gore and stuff. Makes me feel physically sick. Did you contemplate around this or?

Thanks for the audio clip I'll listen to it now ❤️

[Charlotte]

Woke up early. Watched how the mind instantly likes to identify with the feelings/event's of yesterday. Trying to bring 'me' back there. I can totally see (as I did) how people go on to have shit day after shit day after shit day, simply by identifying with memory. It's mental when you think about it. All they, you, I have to do is become aware of the self and how it tries to drag you back there and then ground yourself in being/actuality. You see the illusion and are free. 

This evening I have the breath works workshop. Again, some subtle fears come about when breath work is practiced, I know why. Tonight will be about the surrender and observation. 

Tomorrow I have yin yoga. I absolutely adore yin, I've released many blockages through the practice of yin. Bursting out crying in the middle of a silent room isn't Ideal though ?. 

With Yin you are held in a posture for 5 minutes, this posture is not comfortable but not uncomfortable either, but it's enough to bring about ego. I always leave yin with a different feeling to any other yoga. I find it hard to describe what yin actually does. 

Highly recommend though. 

Still feeling very PMT'ey. Lol. Exercise is the best for shifting this so gym today. 

[Charlotte]

1hr and 30 until breath work class. 3 and a half hours of pure breath work, I'm so excited ?

Had a really nice day. Felt way better more energy, think hormones are shifting. 

Setting off to workshop. Looooong drive ahead ❤️

[DrewNows]

9 hours ago, Charlotte said:

This is brilliant that you have done the work around this dude. I also have the same fear when it comes to gore and stuff. Makes me feel physically sick. Did you contemplate around this or?

Yeah well i suppose it started with a shift in mentality/perspective of/relating to fear and my beliefs. I used to have the attitude --"oh great 'it's' happening to me again" "why now...i dont want to have to put my head between my legs here (in class)" -- you know, being a victim often unknowingly perpetuating the fainting process itself. I used to be afraid of getting into cold water (like even a little cold). I think this is why the "wim hof" method helped, it showed directly how fear starts and ends. The mind can do all the reflecting/rationalizing it wants but when there is fear, any/all movement of the mind is powerless in overcoming (fear) itself

[Charlotte]

So I arrived at the venue. Took a peek into the main room as I passed to make my way to where everyone was gathered (kitchen area). The main area had around 35 Yoga mats laid out. Candles burning everywhere and at the front was a main stage area (no stage). There were 4 to 5 males with instruments in their hands. I don't know the name specifically but they were them Indian type of instruments, drum's, tambourine etc. The big room looked beautiful. 

I could feel the energy is this room, I felt opened'ness. 

To begin we all stood in a huge circle and where instructed to start singing, creating harmonies. We were warming up the vocal cords. I could feel this holding back from singing (I love singing) so I dropped it immediately and started pelting it out. It felt amazing ?. Still in the circle we then started to tribal sing, banging our feet on the floor as a beat. We then knelt down and where told to continue the beat with our hands as we sang together. We started to bang the floor as fast as we could and people started screaming, myself included, all as one.

As we finished the chakra singing and vocal cord warm up we were then given information about what the workshop was about. We were going to begin with a kundalini shake dance and then dive right into holotropic breath work for an hour. 

"An hour" ? I said in my head. 

She said the musician's will play as a tempo to the breath and will enhance your journey. She also explained "There will be 2 helpers around the room and if you need them at any time raise a hand. If they touch you please begin to breath deeply again. The helpers are there to help guide you and keep you safe."

"Oookkkkk, so holotropic breathing for an hour." I thought. This will be interesting. I could sense fear, my palms informed me. I approached the facilitator and made her aware about the occasional panic attacks I have. She spoke from direct experience of panic and explained I had nothing to fear, surrender. 

The music began. We began stood on our mats. "Close your eyes and let the music take you, let the body do whatever it wants to do!"

I began to shake. Dance... Whatever. My eyes were closed, at first it was easy, slow tempo. As the tempo built, I could feel my body wanted to move more freely, my arms where being held down by the mind. The rhythm wanted me to let go and do whatever the fuck I wanted but I could literally see fear in the way, I felt face to face with it. "what if you look like a pleb." Etc. I smiled and let go, my arms raised and my hips swang side to side, I was smiling. 

As the tempo built even further I just did whatever the fuck the body wanted to do. Sprinting, clapping, shaking my ass everything. This went on for about 20 minutes I think (guessing). The temp slowed and we came to stillness. 

"Lay on your mats and make yourself comfortable, keeping the throat open"(don't raise your head to far upward)

I had to relax my jaw in an open mouth posture and begin circular breathing. Breathing from the stomach upwards (Wim hof style). 

I was lay on the mat with my throw half way down my body (I like to keep the abdomen and chest exposed for free breathing). I also placed one of my socks over both eyes.

(I'll write as much as I can remember because I don't remember it all)

The music began. Slowish tempo.

I started to breathe. No fear whatsoever. 

5 minutes into it the man next to me started making the strangest noises, I knew this was all natural, I returned back to the breath. His noises got more and more intense. 

I just remember breathing, remembering to breath deeply on the inhale and not fully on the exhale, making it circular. For the next however long it was I started to feel tingling. I didn't feel conscious by this point but I was still awake. 

By this point the man next to me seemed to be having some sort of exorcism. I could hear his body slamming off the floor. Other people where screaming, crying, laughing, I noticed for a split second other people fed off the sounds off other people but I felt differently. I felt rested in this safe space. Fear could not penetrate this space. This space didn't even know what fear was. 

 

As the tempo increased I breathed faster. I could just barely make out my hands, they were in the close palmed position. The back of my legs and butt were tingling. 

I noticed the majority of tingling where in the region's where physical pain usually resides. Very direct in the lower back and in the right hip. 

As I continued breathing, my eyes were glued open but I didn't feel as if I was looking at anything. I didn't feel like I was in this room anymore. I was just here. The biggest wave of sadness overcame me and I cried. One of the helpers I felt placed her hand on the crown of my head. I heard her whisper something like. "You are over coming the deepest fear in this room, your doing amazing." 

I noticed I held back crying, from letting it all out. There was more to come. 

I returned back to the breath and people's cries where growing stronger as the tempo increased even more. I heard a lady crying, screaming.

I felt the biggest wave of empathy/ love over come me and I cried so fucking much. This time I didn't hold back. One of the helpers placed both of her hands on both my shoulders and whispered. "It's okay, you are safe." I placed my hand on my heart and I cried hysterically. I felt this person's pain. I felt I had just become this person. I wasn't crying for me. 

By this point the temp had reached its peak. 

I settled down back to the breath after feeling like I had released whatever it was and became the breath. Something was then felt....

"Breath is life, you are always safe within the breath."

I remember my whole body arching, I felt something wanted to take me. "I surrender, I surrender, I give up, I surrender." I said out loud with my eyes wide open in this space. I remember placing my hands into a lotus position at my heart and offering everything. My arms raised up past my face and up over my head as I gave everything to whatever it was that was taking this away for me. 

My arms came back down and I wrapped my arms around myself in love. 

My hands then shifted down to my womb area, I created a cradle shape at my womb with my hands and I got a picture of a small baby in the womb, cradled by green leaves. 

When your in this space there is no mind, there is no questioning or labeling. Everything just is.

I sat in complete bliss, I could hear men and women having what sounded like the best orgasms of their entire life. I resided in this place for what felt like eternity. There was nothing there.

As the tempo slowed even further I couldn't even feel the body anymore. My eyes where open but it didn't feel as if I was the eyes. I was just there, somewhere. 

She then wanted us to return to normal breathing. So I did. I was still in this space. We lay there as I heard the most gentlest music I'd ever heard. I could hear somebody singing, the voice of an angel. 

After however long it was I could feel myself returning to the body bringing some slight movement into each hand and foot. 

Oh my goodness I was doused in sweat from head to toe, I tried moving my hands and legs and the pain was savage. I felt the need to bring the legs into the abdomen and rock gently. 

I didn't want to get up. I wanted to remain on the mat. I didn't feel 'with it' I felt fucking miles away. 

She wanted to close the space by getting us to all form a circle. 

I took my sock from eyes and sat up really slowly. Fuck me I was miles away. As I stared at the floor this space I was in would of usually induced a panic attack easily. That thought crossed my mind very briefly but it didn't get any further than just being a thought. It couldn't penetrate this space. I felt so unbelievably introverted at this point. You know when your coming down from a trip, it felt like that. Like you just weren't 'back yet'

 We all made a circle for the last time, the energy you could feel was so raw, we felt as one  

She invited people to share their experiences. She talked about other things and then invited us all to stand, place our left hand on our hearts and our right hand on the back of the other person where their heart is. And we chanted heart chakra mantras to close the space. 

I had a long drive home and I didn't trust myself just yet getting in the car so I went to a local vegan spot for some super and then drove home. 

I will never forget last night. ❤️

[Charlotte]

@DrewNows Totally agree dude. The victim mind set you spoke of makes a hell of a lot of sense. 

[DrewNows]

 WOW what an experience. Excellent narration ??

[Zigzag Idiot]

@DrewNows I agree ???

[Charlotte]

@DrewNows @Zigzag Idiot Cheers guy's ❤️

[Charlotte]

Not been updating because the arthritis in my fingers has caused them to inflame and it's causing me pain to use my phone. 

Philosophy last night-

P1_H05.pdf

Ego backlash has been very interesting.

Also getting prepared for Friday's trip.

[Charlotte]

Still struggling to type with my thumb. 

Since the breath work workshop things have been very interesting. I've become more aware of ego. In like the smallest subtlest ways. I do feel I could be possibly becoming more conscious. Or I could be wrong but it does feel that way. 

 Yesterday at college I finally got my math's results, I passed. 33 out of 40. Not bad to say I suck af at maths ?.

Yesterday I had a small interview with one of the college's facilitator's and we set up the guided meditation class that I'll be guiding for the staff and pupil's. March the 1st it starts. Nervous af, I'll need to research and rehearse. 

 

So yeah, tomorrow I'm going on my first solo trip. Setting off at 0630am for the airport. I think it's a bit different when your a female traveler, got to be extremely aware and savvy. I never thought I'd go away on my own but here I am. I'll be journalling throughout. 

 

[Charlotte]

Took the dogs over the Moors today for a last walk together before my trip. 

Wow...

 

 

[Michael569]

On 08/02/2019 at 9:14 PM, Charlotte said:

I'm remaining conscious of thought but when it's PMT I don't think it's thought related it's just hormones going mental. 

Dr Morse has a tincture called "Female Reproductive Tonic" with massively positive reviews from women saying their pains and PMS was gone. It can be bough in UK for around 24£. Perhaps give it a shot before your next cycle