The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Nice one @Colin I really appreciate your reply ❤️

[Charlotte]

@Michael569 It sadly is Micheal yes. I sometimes feel like grabbing people on the shoulders from behind and just gently easing them upright 

[Alex bAlex]

On 23/01/2019 at 6:26 PM, Charlotte said:

This piece of music is just.... I can't find the words.

How I've been feeling over the past few days...

Enjoy.

 

.

@Charlotte@Charlotte Thanks for sharing this one ? makes my day brighter ? 

[Charlotte]

@Alex bAlex Arw my absolute pleasure bud ❤️

[Charlotte]

I can't put this off any longer. These trip cravings aren't showing any signs of fucking off any time soon. I tried ignoring them and seeing if it was ego being a jerk, I've contemplated the cravings, I've tried ignoring them but if anything they're getting stronger. Once I get past the come up I know I'll be reet. All day it's been on my mind, all yesterday... I'm like "What do you want from me!!!"

 

 

I have to do this, I have time to plan (not overly because I'll do my own head in).

This year there has already been massive shifts happening. I haven't even questioned them. If I'd of resisted I know suffering would of taken place. Trust & accept. No doubt I'll be shitting myself but I have to trust. I have to let go. 

 

I'll keep y'all updated ❤️

[Charlotte]

Yes!...

 

[Charlotte]

When your breaking through the self, the self will throw every last bit at you to hang on, to grasp, to pull you back. 

Surrender dear friend. Surrender...they are mearly just thought.

[Charlotte]

Fear has arose... I have contemplated whilst being observing fear. 

My answer to number one is 

To keep the illusion sustained, to remain in a place of security, knowing and comfort

[Charlotte]

 God this forum format can be a right pain in the back end sometimes ?

 

Okay so today. I decided I was gonna go on my first solo trip. I had bits of fear based around it. I searched and searched for a decent hostel and the most relevant area to me in Portugal. 

i gathered all my information and noticed I was still in two minds wether to go or not. It was such short notice. Like tomorrow at 0600am I would of had to set off. 

I couldn't differentiate wether it was fear not wanting to go or actual logic/common sense. 

So I left it up to the universe. 

Prior to setting off for some bits and bobs for the trip I said. "If everything goes smoothly (as can be) I'll go. That will be sign to go." I offered that and let it be. 

So I got all my bits and bobs no problem but then I realised I had no euros (lol) I checked all around my area to see if an exchange bureau was still open and nothing was apart from one way across town. It was getting late by this point and I still had lots of packing to do including evening meditation, exercises and tea.

I thought fuck it so I ventured through the traffic across the other side of town and when I got there I had 30 minutes spare before it shut. I pulled up and emptied my purse for my debit card...

I had forgotten it.

This was all the sign I needed. 

I felt resistance to letting go, I was devastated. But I let go and trusted it wasn't meant to be this time around. 

 

[Shin]

[Charlotte]

You can do anything! Just fucking do it!

 

This morning I got up. I was greeted with the most beautiful weather (cold though). What did I feel like doing? I wanted to go to the beach.

The mind kick's in.... "It's a long drive though just for a few hours at the beach?" Etc. 

Same old thought pattern returns.

I cricked my neck and thought fuck it I'm going. 

I have life in the palm of my hands here... There's no way am I staying in... Especially on a day like today. 

I'm due on so the body felt lethargic and lazy but I was going anyway. 

 

Couple of hours later I arrived. It was baltic!!! (Freezing) ? 

 

I was just in complete awe of this place. 

There's something about being my the beach... I can't put my finger on what it is... You lose yourself.

Just me and my buddy. Perfect.

He was so happy. Off his lead, just him in his element with his ball. Fills me with tears watching an animal completely free ❤️

I had the best time. I love just grabbing life by the ball's... If you want to do it and it's realistic be aware of how the mind longs for security and comfort, observe it and just go and do it. 

 

While I was there I had a little think about the Portugal trip I was supposed to do this weekend. I wanted to still go. I wanted to be even further from my comfort zone. So I came back and booked the hostel and the flights...

I am going in 2 week's. 

[KyleR]

Smash it Charlotte!?surely there are no beaches like that in Rochvegas?

[Charlotte]

Great to see you on here @KyleR 

Love the excerpt. So true. 

Hahahaha definitely definitely not  

[Charlotte]

Took mum out last night for something to eat. We had a great time. Can't beat time with your mum. We sat and talked about topics relating to personal development/god/non duality etc. I asked her. "Mum.. who are you between two thoughts?" She stopped and paused and said. "Nothing."

She said. "I play roles in this world, mum, sister, daughter, wife, me. And I am happy doing so." 

I thought fair enough. 

She also said something that a friend had recently said to me. "I think you would do great going down the counseling/therapist route." We then got onto the topic of Leo's life purpose course, I'm going to buy it once I've purchased a laptop. 

When I got back I sat for meditation. I found myself self inquiring but I didn't self inquire in the usual way, I found what I'm most identified with and explored and questioned the areas. I also played around with thoughts and observed them, this can be very interesting. You truly see you aren't your thoughts and they are just another happening, like the sensation of your hand resting on your leg. They are within your awareness as is all perceptions/sensation's. 

I feel like I'm possibly starting to go behind the point of awareness, it's hard to explain, I'm not great with words... Like deeper into awareness itself. 

I forgot to mention I started yoga again last Monday morning. New venue new teacher.

I'm going again this morning. It's a slower hatha yoga which is what I feel the body needs right now. 

❤️

[Charlotte]

Yesterday morning, yoga was beautiful, it was just the breath present... Nothing else, no one else existed.

I then went and sat in a supermarket cafe alone and had a soy milk decaf coffee. Wanting to be alone more and more is definitely becoming a theme. 

Came back and took the dogs for a huge walk, did other bits and bobs and then went off to evening Pilates. 

 

This morning I have my last (private) physio session, she said she wants to get me on the treadmill but I dunno with the pain at the moment. Very obvious in the lower back, always worsens when I'm due on. 

I'll get back do a morning meditation and some Wim hof breathing. I'm also going to purchase Leo's recommended Kriya yoga book for the 4h flight that's upcoming so I can know it inside out before starting. 

[Charlotte]

Philosophy last night.

P1_H04.pdf

[Charlotte]

Workshop this evening:

(so excited)

[Charlotte]

Okay well I we were all in a ceremonial circle in a living room and it was a beautiful setting. He was making different teas with different mushrooms and we got a cup of each (about 7/8 in all) towards the end I felt completely rested in awareness and everyone was talking around me and I felt just like I was in this force in the middle of everyone's word's. Then...

Boom. 

Panic came. 

Picture this... all sat in a small circle, around 8 of you...cross legged, by the time the panic had come everyone was silent. The panic came literally out of fucking no where. I had to conceal it. My palms suddenly started pissing through, the room was turning upside down and my heart was coming out of my chest. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears. "As if NOW!" I said to myself. I couldn't show people ... Hiding it was the hardest thing in the universe. My body temperature sky rocketed so the room was becoming unbearable. I just wanted to get up and run off, run outside but I knew that would be running from the panic so I sat with it and just listened to my heart beat. Just observed it. It slowly started to decrease.

Then another wave arose as if from no where. 

once again I observed the heart beat and eventually it declined. 

...Oh my god  

I laughed to myself at what had just happened. I couldn't believe how well I hid it and just sat through it in the environment I was in. 

Madness I tell thee.

 

[DrewNows]

How long have you had panic attacks? what do you know about them? Im jut genuinely interested.

I have a step brother I havent seen in years who has had some troubles with panic attacks. I literally havent seen him since i heard about him having them but i really have no clue about them, why they occur, how they occur, I may have developed a natural talent for suppressing/pushing away fears. There was this one time when i was trying out shamanic breathing, there was this surge of fear that came over me exactly like my only trip. when it happened during the breathing work i automatically quit and went to talk about it, possibly again avoiding the actual experience of that fear

[Charlotte]

Had them for a year. They started when someone spiked me with drugs. Apparently once you get one your guaranteed to get at least another one. Basically if you don't learn to manage them you would have them for the rest of your life because you would create fear on top of fear (constantly fearing the next one and next one and so on)

What do I know about them? As in what happens to the physical body or? 

Why they occur? Sometimes it can be an instant identification with thought, sometimes they can just spring upon you from nowhere, probably another identification with a thought. I've noticed I'm able to disidentify with the clear voice dialogue that runs but when the smaller voice appears, the thoughts that are so unbelievably quick, your not even sure what has been said, I still identify with that one. I recko that's what happened last night. I was going into a place completely unknown and I must of identified with a quick almost unconscious thought. 

Why and how has the same answer. Identification with thought that leads to fear. 

Yes I understand what you mean about the shamanic breathing instance you've mentioned. It does sound like you avoided it through fear. I recommend facing it and going as deep into it as possible. 

Do what I have done (it's not easy) over and over again, whenever the fear arises go into the fear using the root thought (the one that triggered you) as a tool, use it to propel the fear as much as possible, e.g. a root thought that triggers a panic attack could be. "I'm going insane." When the panic attack comes, keep saying that to yourself over and over and over until your submerged in the fear, try and remain and conscious as possible throughout and watch for ways you try and avoid the fear. E.g. getting up and walking away, becoming fidgety, pacing, even other thoughts. Then you come out the other side. 

Or once the fear arises, propel it again using the feared root  thought and then contemplate fear as your in it. I have recently done this (refer to earlier journal post ☝️)