The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Okay so today I didn't fast. Didn't feel like it. 

I'll be making a nutritious tea though after study. 

I came to the coffee shop to meet my friend to study, even though I reeaaalllllyyyy couldn't be bothered. But I did it and I'm glad I did. 

Today I also enrolled onto a 10 week philosophy course. 10 minutes drive from my house for £10. How could I not do it?? Excited to start this Tuesday evening. 

Yet to complete today; 

Pilates exercises and other forms of strength building exercises.

Meditation

Plan to do this when I go home in a minute. 

 

[Charlotte]

At home Pilates session:

8 separate exercises 15 reps/2 sets.

All went well. Definitely works the core. Looking forward to getting into the studio. 

I then went onto 3 sets of 60 second plank sessions. 

After learning back into child's posture on the third set I cried... Again ? no reason. 

Hatha yoga this evening with a new teacher. For the time being Ashtanga isn't for me. I've never used a different teacher so I'm looking forward to that. 

I'll have to be extremely extremely careful and hyper aware of the messages from the body. The practice this evening will be a great test of ego. 

Contemplating cold water swimming down at the local lake. I'll inquire. Although they say cold water/weather isn't great for arthritis but I'll trial and error it and see how it goes from my own experience. Bit dubious about the chlorine in indoor swimming pools, plus I'll be in nature amongst bird crap in the water... What more could I ask for? ?

An amazing caring member on the forum also sent me a link to Manchester's college of neuropathic medicine which I'm all over like a rash. I'll update as I go along.

I have an iyengar yoga retreat in June, in menorca so rehabilitating myself towards this date (although not pressuring). Little set personal goal. 

Also started drinking turmeric tea.

Will update later. 

(Missing Leo's vid ?? today, get well leo ?)

[Charlotte]

Okay so quick update. 

I attended hatha yoga and noticed prior to attending there were definitely fear. Fear of further injury because I'm currently limping everywhere and everything seems to be worsening it at the moment. 

So during practice itself the body was okay as long as I completely listened. I held back from around 3 postures and amended certain postures to suit.

I won't be attending the lady's class again as she's a massive newbie yoga teacher and her sequence was everywhere. It doesn't suit the body's specific needs right now. Also some of the postures she was spontaneously diving into could easily cause injuries to some of the women there.

In the past I took a liking to Iyengar yoga so I've researched this in my area and found a teacher nearby so I'll be starting that in the near future. 

After yoga last night I got back and did the new core routine and meditation. I left meditation too late in the evening as I almost drifted towards the end.

Tonight I'll be starting the beginners Pilates class on the other side of town which will hopefully help aid the body to recovery. 

I've also been taking a mix of ground flaxseed, chai seed, walnuts and extra protein to help the body. 

I've been researching hemp seeds also. Finding out about where to avoid buying from etc but I eventually came across a small company that sells hulled hemp seeds from an organic farm in Lithuania. They cost a small fortune but sacrifices is to be made at this current time. 

Tomorrow morning is my second physio appointment and then in the afternoon is my end of year maths exam which I'll most likely fail but I can retake. Also tomorrow evening is the first class of the philosophy course I signed up to which I'm actually really looking forward to. 

I feel what's happened has helped formed a deeper relationship with the body in a weird way. I think the lesson in all of this is to be more aware. Through lack of awareness I may have caused this injury in myself. I'm waiting on an appointment from the doctor's to see the musculoskeletal team in which they will send me for an MRI etc so that will be interesting. 

 

[Charlotte]

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!

Okay I'm mega excited because I've just been to the first Pilates class and halfway through the class I felt this release... Then the pain went away like 70%!! I forgot what it felt like to be free of pain in that area! My walking limp has reduced about by around 75%. 

Literally feels like a miracle. 

I thought it would help but this quickly? In half an hour??

I'm literally shocked. 

As the pain subsided at the hip I felt the groin strain was still present. 

Literally don't know what to say. I'm shocked ?

I meditated earlier as I learnt my lesson from last night but I feel like sitting again so I'll do so after tea. Cooking a big carrot, spring onion, sprouted broccoli, tofu and mushroom stir fry for tea.

Physio tomorrow and math exam. Will update. 

 

P.s

 

 

 

 

 

?????

[Shin]

[Charlotte]

@Shin Thanks shin 

[Shin]

Yeah I'm happy, it was one of the thing that annoyed you the most  

[Charlotte]

@Shin The pain?

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin The pain?

Yes.

[Charlotte]

@Shin Yeah it's tough to live with 24/7 ?

Thanks again shin. Your smile reply made me smile 

[Charlotte]

Physio session 2. 

Started off with various exercises in the gym. Then went onto treatment. 

Told her about the breakthrough. Her explanations aren't great. They're always answers like. "Oh the body can be weird." Or something similar. I asked a question? ??

She said I have a strong core it's just my right gluteal muscle isn't firing. I'm guessing this is causing the knee pain on the same side. 

Get this exam out the way today and then I'm going to ramp up the Pilates to an hour everyday. Hopefully go to the gym on the weekends also. 

Limp is still gone. Pain is still massively reduced after the Pilates breakthrough last night. Brilliant to walk normally again. 

Philosophy class this evening... Eeeeeeeeek ?

[Charlotte]

Quick update:

Think I smashed the test. 

Meditated in the corridor prior. Worked a treat. 

Got home smashed out Pilates and meditation as I'll be arriving home late this evening. 

Pain level - 2 (buzzin) no limp

Got my notebook ready here with me. Arrived early. Can't wait to see what this is about 

[Charlotte]

10 week Philosophy course: 

... WOW! 

I can't believe that I sat there for 2 and a half hours listening to what I was hearing. I've found a gem. I'm not even joking. Do you remember Leo talking about great philosophers being so so close to the truth. Well this man that delivers the class I feel is there. He's just missing the golden nugget by a millimeter ?. 

I'll upload the handout as I feel it could help anybody that reads this that holds interest. 

I did actually get some insights during:

I'm letting go of all my knowledge of enlightenment, consciousness and experiences. The info I've read over the past year or 2 are another distraction. As are any 'experiences' 'I' had. They've been taken on as another belief in the form of memory and now prevent any further direct experience from immerging. This 'work' can be ultra tricky and Leo's one million percent right about ego taking any mystical experiences, even the present moment and using it for itself. I've observed this. Its the biggest conmen of all conmen and the trickery that could go unnoticed is somewhat fucking beautiful it's that clever. 

I have a stronger ego that what I initially thought. Again, another clever trick 

[Zigzag Idiot]

The three fold energy that was listed at the top drew my attention. I'll stay tuned,,,

[Charlotte]

@Zigzag Idiot

I know right! 

❤️

[Charlotte]

Last night I had the strangest dream...

this man that I knew in my dream was dying in front of me. He said...

"You got to let go."

I replied. "How?"

He said. "Love."

And that was it. That was the dream. 

Stayed with me all day that. I haven't thought about its meaning truly because I believe it will reveal itself. 

Came home after college, cooked tea and then smashed out an hour of Pilates and 30 minutes of guided meditation. I really liked this video. It was a mixture of meditation and self inquiry. I highly recommend it. I'll pop it below. 

Pain level today 3ish. Small limp after a long walk (thought I'd push myself further to see how it went). 

Hoping to go to another Pilates class tomorrow but tomorrow I can just be. I plan on dedicating the first half of tomorrow to just sheer self inquiry and meditation.

 

 

[Charlotte]

Thursday

Awoke. It was amazing just to sit in bed and breath. 

In the afternoon I went out with the dogs. I sat on the cricket pitch for 2 hours on the floor lent against a bench, in the sunshine, dogs off lead, just being. I cannot explain how content, grateful and happy I was. Time was non existent in the moment. It was like winning the lottery. 

 

Nobody around except for me and them. Just unbelievably blissful and grateful. 

In the evening I got back from the supermarket and I really didn't feel like doing the workout but regardless of how I was feeling I went into the bedroom and shut the door and cracked on with it without thinking. This is also something I've noticed over the past 6 months. Whenever you feel like not doing something or think about not doing something, clock the thoughts, let go and do it without further thought. You will be pleasantly surprised at what you can actually do. 

After the workout I went into the kitchen and just danced. I was so grateful at being able to move the body to music... grateful is an understatement.

Yesterday I got a reply from the college of naturopathic medicine. They have offered me a place on the 31st of march. They'd like me to fill out a 3 day food diary and bring resent blood tests. Thank you @Michael569 for providing me with this opportunity. It means more than you know. 

[Michael569]

@Charlotte glad they replied and gave you a date although I wish they could take you in earlier. These student clinics do have a long waiting list unfortunatelly . 

Wishing you all the best, I know you'll get to the well-ville eventually  

 

[Charlotte]

I was actually incredibly delighted Micheal with the time frame. I thought it was going to be months and months. 

Thanking you ?

 

[Charlotte]

Meditation this evening has left me feeling shite. Fucking fear man. Why does my fear always involve psychosis? I'm terrified of becoming psychotic. I observed the thoughts up until a point where I saw an image of me grabbing the wall behind me screaming and then I broke my meditation for a second through fear. 

What if I think about psychosis that much that I trigger it? It's weird because at the same time I find the subject extremely interesting. 

I've got a pins and needles feeling all over the top of my skull. 

I listen to people's stories of psychosis because it intrigues me then I plant ideas into my head like an absolute daime bar. 

As soon as I've finished psychio I'm going back to the counsellor.

This is probably ego stopping me from going deeper into meditation. Funny feeling.