The battle between heart and the self (fear)

[Charlotte]

Woke in the night absolutely piss wet through in my own sweat. Woke at 5am and the body felt shit. Went back to sleep for an hour and woke feeling slightly better. Maybe a small infection of some sort (it's going around). 

Yoga is at 10:15am and it's a 2 hour special. I've been looking forward to this all week as it's focused around meditation & mantras so I'll drag my arse there if I have to  

[Charlotte]

Yoga was amazing. We started with Yin which is my favourite, a lot usually comes up during yin.

We then did Ashtanga for an hour and a half which flowed for me, which is new. I used to struggle with this by remaining in the mind. Wrists are still giving me gip though. The theme for today's yoga was letting go of the year, letting go of what we've been holding onto. I let go of all enlightenment concepts I've held over the year.

I also let go of this need to trip. I figured if I let it go and the calling remains then I will definitely do it regardless of how I feel about it. The need to trip is coming from the mind as it causes me frustration so I've now let it go. I also dedicated my practice to my mum because her image popped up as soon as the teacher asked. 

We sat in meditation for around 30 minutes, the teacher played a non dual voice clip from Mooji which was awesome to listen to. He was talking about all needs coming from ego and I thought I still have needs coming from this place. The need to meditate properly for example. This year's meditation will be purely based on letting go and then letting go of letting go and so on. I usually do it but I've skipped it a few meditation sits and just focused on the breath. 

We finished with an OM. 

After 2 and a half hours my groin injury wasn't happy. I didn't get any pain signals from that area during practice so I must of just done too much ?

Now I'm cooking a nutritious plant based Rogan Josh for tea, can't beat a good curry 

[Charlotte]

With each day that passes meditation is becoming more.... 

I don't know. I don't want to label anything...

I'll say. Different to previous sittings. 

Tonight I practiced letting go. Deeply. 

I call it 'getting underneath'. 

I always know ever lasting presence is underneath everything so I go underneath thoughts, underneath going underneath even going underneath the underneath the underneath 

This eye appeared. This alien looking eye. Staring into my left eye My chest tightened rapidly and my breathing increased. 

"It IS me" I said. 

With this realisation it came closer, quickly. It got so close to my eye it evaporated. 

My breathing slowed and deepened once more.

I then felt this pull, In the centre of the pull is a field of peacefulness and nothing, it feels everywhere all around. Thought cannot enter. Nothing can enter. It feels like 'I' am the forcefield.

You lose sense of the body, the distinction between your hands on your body and your butt on the bed. All you feel is sensation.

Am I experiencing the dark side of meditation? I will re watch Leo's video and remain conscious.

 

[Charlotte]

Jesus did I wake up sore this morning. My groin is absolutely screeeeaaaaaaaaming at me today. I've had to use a crutch. I've further injured an injury like an absolute pleb. 

It didn't hurt during practice otherwise I wouldn't of done it ? never mind. Another lesson learnt. 

Was supposed to be going into the woods tonight with dad for Nye but he let me down at last minute, too dangerous to go by myself. I was so looking forward to it. I bought a little picnic and everything 

Never mind. I've decided to sit in my bedroom this evening instead and enjoy the stillness in meditation. Also using the time for a time of reflection. 

I genuinely can't believe the change in quality of life and I'm not even just saying that. I feel like I'm living everyday as if it's my last. I know I keep saying this but everything is just do damn beautiful! 

[Charlotte]

Theme of the year. 

Accept and flow?

Or

Resist and suffer?

Your shout.

?

[Charlotte]

Something has shifted over the past two months. It's no longer just belief based. 

I actually am starting to see that we are this awareness that experiences 'stuff'. I am actually living it everyday. Not all the time but the direct experience is happening more times throughout the day. 

Thoughts are part of this experience, they're the biggest and the most rooted. Emotions come next, they're also extremely illusory and will trick you big time. 

Then I'd say sensations come next. See, hear, touch, smell etc

Reality/life is a wave. People don't understand they can choose to ride this any way they wish, or not at all, observing the wave. They have this eternal still presence they can access or remain in and they don't even know it!

Suffering has been the portal for me personally. The death of the two dogs. Also observing thought throughout the grieving process was a game changer. 

Eckhart's teachings and what he speaks of are spot on. 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

You're emanating from a good space and it's felt!

Thank you for all the great pictures,,,,

[Charlotte]

@Zigzag Idiot My absolute pleasure ❤️

[Charlotte]

This morning I woke and just wanted to sing...

song of choice.

 

 

[Charlotte]

I have an end of year exam on the 15th Jan and I haven't studied once. I'm being a lazy f. 

'Charlotte, you made this commitment to your life purpose and it ain't going to fall on your lap without the graft so pull your head out of your arse and actually do something about it.'

I can talk about about how much I want it until the cows come home but if I actually don't put the rubber to the road I might as well just continue daydreaming. 

I will start tomorrow (today). I'll go to the library and actually start. 

I've gotten too comfortable in the comfort zone and I sure as hell no the comfort zone kills (metaphorically speaking).

I know if this was English studies I'd be all over it but it's maths and it just doesn't resonate with me at all so I end up avoiding it. I just cannot seem to grasp it. Regardless, I'll start tomorrow, build momentum with it and try my best. 

 

[Charlotte]

Been really poorly. Swollen lymph nodes decided to come up and bite me in the ass. 

Day 2 of being in bed. I appreciate life even more now ?

I'll continue to listen to my body and rest as much as poss, regardless of the mind.

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Charlotte Doing inquiry, I've verified a phenomena that at first I thought odd.

My worst monkey mind shows up with its greatest intensity when my body is healthy and thriving.

Sometimes when my body becomes ill, it causes my mind to quieten down,,,,

not an 'always phenomena' but often enough,,, like when a fever develops

Hope you get well soon,,,

 

 

[Charlotte]

@Zigzag Idiot Come to think of it you have a point! 

Yeah I have the full lot, fever, chest infection etc. 

Genuinely believe this is a blessing in disguise because of the groin strain. 

Today was my usual Yoga practice day and I had to miss it. First time I've missed yoga since January 2018. Brilliant time to practice acceptance but I'm not going to lie it's been incredibly tough. My Yoga teacher thinks I'm holding trauma in my hips which is leading to injury. She may be right but we shall see. 

Hope your well mate and thanks for your insight ❤️

[Charlotte]

I'm back BITCHES ?

Tonsillitis doesn't half grip me by the ball's ? 

Yesterday was the first time I'd been out the house in like 4 days. I've missed the dog walks so bad. 

I got out and it was a beautiful day. I stood in front of the sun and cried with how much I had missed it and how absolutely beautiful life was. 

I dragged myself to college that was a challenge as I'm still a little bit ill. Glad I went in. My friend bought me another gift ?. She really didn't have to although I appreciate them very much. 

I kept up with meditation every day whilst I was ill. Wow... when your dying shivering with a fever that's so tough ? but you can (and this is what I did) is realise the pain body is separate from awareness. I'm not going to lie when your that ill it's tougher than the odd pain. 

I made the most nutritious tea last night also. The body was craving it. All plant based and wholefoods. Also was craving jalapenos ??

Off to college this morning. I had an idea whilst I was poorly. I'm going to ask the head of English and maths if I can possibly set up my own meditation class for students. I think it will be a great idea for the students. 

I'll update later. 

 

[Charlotte]

Where do I begin...

fuck. 

I've had some shattering news today. Not going to lie I've been devastated. 

As I've wrote previously I've been managing this groin strain. 

well it got too much for me today. I tried taking the dogs out yesterday for a walk and when I got back I felt as if I'd further injured myself. Last night I was reading up about groin strain in a little more detail and it came apparent that I would have to completely stop yoga in order for this to even begin healing. 

I cried deeply. 

When I was 20 I wanted to go in the army so bad. It was my passion, my dream. 

I trained and trained and trained for years but then I got a niggling pain in my back which was preventing me from running and doing certain movements.

I knew as soon as I went to the doctor's I'd be stricken off from the army as a possible candidate so I put up with this pain for another 6 months or so. Then it became too much. 

I went and had the relevant scans etc and they found genetic osteoarthritis. It felt as if my life had been completely taken away from that day. 

I spiraled into depression, obesity and abuse of alcohol. I grieved this loss for years. 

I became a no one. 

It was only up untill I found actualized.org that I was able to fully get a grip of life, to wake the fuck up. 

I found yoga through actualized.org. 

Through yoga I felt as if I'd returned 'home'.

This was my main spiritual practice and last night it felt as if I'd had another 'army' type loss. 

Only today have I accepted that for now... My matt will remain in the corner of the room. 

I went to the urgent care centre today (this morning) I couldn't walk. 

4 hours and an x-ray later they diagnosed me with osteoarthritis in my right hip. 

He showed me on the x-ray how much cartilage I've lost. This is probably why I've sustained a groin strain. 

When he told me... I felt 20 years old again... Sat back in the neurosurgeon's room recieving the news about my back. 

I just couldn't fucking believe it!!! REALLY????

I walked (hobbled lol) around for a short while trying to digest what had just been said to me... I became very sad for a short while. I just wanted to cry. 

When I got to mum's I googled the shit out of physiotherapy. 

I wasn't going to let this take me. NO WAY! I've come way to far, accepted way to much and faced to many fears to let this grip me. 

I booked my first physiotherapy appointment for tomorrow morning. Literally so excited to start. 

I don't care how much this costs I will help my body heal. 

I've now accepted it. 

I sat for meditation and put on a body healing guided meditation. I cried throughout the duration. 

I will heal my body through the power of the mind... I know just how powerful it is. I will love and cherish every single cell that they regenerate. 

#Watch this space

[DrewNows]

I can totally sympathize. These tests in life can be seen as blessings in disguise. 

Something I think we can both attest to  

Glad to hear you’re falling into alignment with a healthy body. One of the biggest changes I’ve made in the past few years is listening to my body. As I get older and would like to continue my passions, looking after my temple (body) becomes a priority 

Godspeed recovery and may this be a spiritual cleansing ?

ps that food pic looks DELISH!!! 

[Charlotte]

11 hours ago, DrewNows said:

I can totally sympathize. These tests in life can be seen as blessings in disguise. 

Something I think we can both attest to  

Glad to hear you’re falling into alignment with a healthy body. One of the biggest changes I’ve made in the past few years is listening to my body. As I get older and would like to continue my passions, looking after my temple (body) becomes a priority 

Godspeed recovery and may this be a spiritual cleansing ?

ps that food pic looks DELISH!!! 

100% agree dude. 

Oh yes definitely, I think what's even more important if not thee most important is how you mentally approach these injuries/diseases/whatever. Your state of mind will determine your outcome and quality of life. 

Hahahahahahaha it was amazing!! 

Thank you ❤️

[Charlotte]

16 hours ago, DrewNows said:

 

 (((For some reason I'm struggling to access this site. I keep updating and the connection is timing out when I'm posting so I keep losing it all ?)))

 

 

Today has been one of the most profound days of my life to this moment. 

I cannot explain it in words so I'll convey via pictures. 

 

 

[Charlotte]

On 10/01/2019 at 11:56 PM, DrewNows said:

 

These boxes will not disappear! ?

[Charlotte]

Right okay, since the forum is working again (yay) 

I can update properly 

Last week in college I had a word with the head of English and maths. I put it to her about me running a guided meditation class for the college. 

I had it in my head that around 5/6 students would show or something. 

Well later on in the day she pulled me to one side and said. "Charlotte thank you so much for offering the guided meditation, I've had a word with my team and as it stands there is 26 staff that want to attend." ...

 

Me: 

 

Fuck. I was not expecting that! ?? My arse fell out of me. 

I've never led a guided meditation before, I do find it very hard to communicate this work but I'll try my best. I'll update as I go along with this. 

Tuesday approaching is my final maths exam. Because my head's been completely in the clouds with my health I've completely overlooked it. I'll be studying this weekend and hopefully pass it with the skin of my teethies  if I don't. I have another shot anyway but still... I'd prefer to pass first time. 

So yesterday I had my first physio session. 

She did a number of physical tests on the body and said. "Although you do have hip issue's, I think the pain is primarily coming from your back." 

This shocked me to be honest. It honestly feels like it's coming from the hip. 

During physio she did a number hands on treatments and electrical pulsation type of treatment. 

She gave me a rubber band to do certain exercises with and also a Pilates exercise sheet which I must incorporate into my daily routine. 

I'm going to set a specific time in the day to do all this and journal it here. I'm sure the feedback of my progress will help her with her job to. 

Yesterday I had to take dogs for their daily longish walk. I was a little apprehensive because of the pain. 

I was listening to a specific Tolle video along the walk, Tolles voice always encourages presence. 

As I was walking and being present I noticed I was unconsciously doing certain things when pain arose:

• When pain was present I unconsciously 'homed' in on the area. Then pictures of the x-ray arose in the mind (very rapidly and very subtle)
• This actually aggravated pain further because I'm not actually feeling it for what it is. I'm feeling it for the images in my mind. I believe this could bring on further pain and possibly even make the injury worse
• I had a continual thought of my right leg and hip being weak. Again, this was happening unconsciously up until yesterday. Thus providing more pain.

Once I realised thede small but powerful insights I dropped them immediately and remained in the present moment.

No shit. The pain reduced. 

Presence can relieve pain and unconsciousness can increase. Fact. (Not all pains but a lot of)

 

I also listened to another video along the walk that I think @Shin may be interested in. 

It brought a lot of realisations for me and I hope it can help other. 

When the day was closing I fancied listening to Leo's old guided meditation episode. Wow. I forgot how powerful this was. I wish he would do more @Leo Gura

Upon opening my eyes from this meditation the body wanted to go on all fours and do that movement again. I was moving like a snake from the spine. Swaying in all directions. 

I then started breathing unbelievably deeply using ujia breath. I stood up. Walked into the front room, feeling okay. Then lent over with my hands on my thighs and just cried... What a release! I then looked at my dogs and felt an insane amount of love for them. It was beaming out of my chest. I could feel it all everywhere. They could feel it. 

My day came to a beautiful close. 

Oh and forgot to say... Whilst I was driving to the doctor's this taxi was in front of me. 

#universemuch

 

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