How can I deal with this betrayal?

[Ampresus]

Hello everyone. After reading about taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, I all of the sudden got betrayed.

I am in a friend group where we do everything friends do basically. I personally like my privacy. I don’t like being taken pictures of by my friends. Something they do to each other in weird ways sometimes. Look, group pictures are fine, but these guys take pictures of each other during lunch and that kind of stuff. I hate that. One of the reasons I keep my identity mostly hidden on the internet is because I love my privacy. I don’t want to be bothered personally by these kinds of people. 

Now, even though I told this girl 2 times before that I wouldn’t like it if she did this, she sent an embarrassing picture of mine and later on made it the groups profile picture. 

The picture isn’t the biggest problem here: The betrayal is. I warned her the first time and actually didn’t expect that she would listen. Now she all of the sudden still does it. Like I don’t matter or something. 

Whenever these kinds of “scandals” happen as I like to call them, I leave the friend group. On the internet I could do this randomly and nobody could do anything about it. Since I started my journey here on Actualized.org, my friends are now all in my real life world, and damn it is so different.

On the internet I am a master at hiding myself, IRL people can spy on me and take pictures of me whenever they feel like it. This is also why I hate the rules on this. This is so much BS. They can apparently do that since it is an open building. Although I don’t know if a school is an open building (the pic was taken during class).

Basically, I hate her and she doesn’t know. I just stopped chatting. Never thought these kinds of betrayal would occur in my life. Arvice will be highly wanted. Thanks in advance

Take care.

[Mu_]

2 hours ago, Ampresus said:

Hello everyone. After reading about taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, I all of the sudden got betrayed.

I am in a friend group where we do everything friends do basically. I personally like my privacy. I don’t like being taken pictures of by my friends. Something they do to each other in weird ways sometimes. Look, group pictures are fine, but these guys take pictures of each other during lunch and that kind of stuff. I hate that. One of the reasons I keep my identity mostly hidden on the internet is because I love my privacy. I don’t want to be bothered personally by these kinds of people. 

Now, even though I told this girl 2 times before that I wouldn’t like it if she did this, she sent an embarrassing picture of mine and later on made it the groups profile picture. 

The picture isn’t the biggest problem here: The betrayal is. I warned her the first time and actually didn’t expect that she would listen. Now she all of the sudden still does it. Like I don’t matter or something. 

Whenever these kinds of “scandals” happen as I like to call them, I leave the friend group. On the internet I could do this randomly and nobody could do anything about it. Since I started my journey here on Actualized.org, my friends are now all in my real life world, and damn it is so different.

On the internet I am a master at hiding myself, IRL people can spy on me and take pictures of me whenever they feel like it. This is also why I hate the rules on this. This is so much BS. They can apparently do that since it is an open building. Although I don’t know if a school is an open building (the pic was taken during class).

Basically, I hate her and she doesn’t know. I just stopped chatting. Never thought these kinds of betrayal would occur in my life. Arvice will be highly wanted. Thanks in advance

Take care.

Your 14 right?  Its just a picture.  Sounds like your blowing this out of proportion.  Your free to not mingle and talk to them, but let it be and move on, hardly a betrayal.  Sometimes you just need to accept these types of things in life no matter if they feel kinda shitty in the moment, she probably think its silly and funny, maybe she thinks you will to.  Sometimes people flirt this way or joke around this way and friends like doing these kinda things to eachother, its only when it doesn't sit well with one party that it creates an issue (this is assuming both have good intention to begin).  Maybe look into how much of a big deal it really is to have a picture of you out there, why you need to be so private....just my 2 cents.

[Hellspeed]

Love.

[bejapuskas]

They want attention and you are giving it to them. If you feel as if you were betrayed in this situation... There are gonna be many harder things happening, you need to be able to handle them.

[Ampresus]

6 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Your 14 right?

@Mu_ yes sir.

I will try to accept it. And about that flirting thing: I know she likes me in that way. Maybe it is her way of expressing it like that. I don’t like her, and now I can’t even stand her. But I will try to accept. Thanks for the advice.

[Ampresus]

@Hellspeed I swear did you have some kind of awakening the last few weeks? Your replies have changed dramatically recently  nice job man

[tsuki]

@Ampresus You cannot control other people. What you can control is your reaction to their behavior.
By saying that you do not want pictures of you to be taken, you just told them how to trigger you.
Yes, they probably did it playfully, but still - you told them what to do.

Instead of trying to change their behavior - look into why you value your privacy so much.
My question is: what is privacy to you and how was it violated simply by taking a picture of you?

What would also be beneficial to learn is: what is the difference between online and offline relationships?
What would internet look like if you couldn't just block people?

Online and offline are not separate.

Edited December 6, 2018 by tsuki

[Hellspeed]

8 hours ago, Ampresus said:

@Hellspeed I swear did you have some kind of awakening the last few weeks? Your replies have changed dramatically recently  nice job man

Every day, Every day, Every day, evolving, Heart ahead.

Sometimes apparent arrogance or conflict or insults, they are for a reason, always. 

There is no growth only on the light side of the matter. 

Edited December 6, 2018 by Hellspeed

[Ampresus]

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

what is privacy to you and how was it violated simply by taking a picture of you?

@tsuki Privacy for me means: Not doing anything with me without my permission, not doing anything to me without my permission, not sharing information about me without permission and not doing stupid stuff like taking pictures of me without my permission. 

 

 

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

what is the difference between online and offline relationships?
What would internet look like if you couldn't just block people?

There is still so much you can do. You delete your own account and make a new one or simply leave the platform. You can change IP-addresses in emergency cases. In the offline world you can't hide forever, at least not as easily, but in the online world you certainly can. No biggy. 

 

[tsuki]

42 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

tsuki Privacy for me means: Not doing anything with me without my permission, not doing anything to me without my permission, not sharing information about me without permission and not doing stupid stuff like taking pictures of me without my permission. 

@Ampresus So, basically: privacy is a tool to control your self-image.
Is it important to you that people see you exactly the way you want them to see you?
Do you value the privacy of other people as much as you value your own privacy?
How would your friends react if you told them that you ask us for advice on how to deal with this situation?
Are you sure that this doesn't violate their privacy?

49 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

There is still so much you can do. You delete your own account and make a new one or simply leave the platform. You can change IP-addresses in emergency cases. In the offline world you can't hide forever, at least not as easily, but in the online world you certainly can. No biggy. 

What you describe here are still various ways to block people. Cut ties with them.
Do you cut ties with online people when they do not perceive you the way you want them to perceive you?

[Ampresus]

23 minutes ago, tsuki said:

So, basically: privacy is a tool to control your self-image.
Is it important to you that people see you exactly the way you want them to see you?
Do you value the privacy of other people as much as you value your own privacy?
How would your friends react if you told them that you ask us for advice on how to deal with this situation?
Are you sure that this doesn't violate their privacy?

@tsuki 1. People can see me how they want to. In the open world they can look at me from all different angles, besides coming too close of course. I like to have my personal space as any other, but if it is necessary they can bend down and look at me from below. 
If you meant ''seeing me in a way'' in a figurative way instead of a literal way: Yes. Of course I have flaws, strong negative emotions, an addiction and Actualized.org in general is something I want to keep hidden from them. You have to understand that I am 14 years old. If I told my friends about this stuff they sooner or later would find this account with all of my secrets on it. There is a best friend I have which I wanted to introduce to all of this, but just when the time was right we didn't have as much contact as before. Mainly because he is in a different class and games all day. 

2. Yes I do. I never take pictures of others, never do things with/to or say stuff about them without letting them know. I have respect to everyone who values their privacy and would never do something to them which I wouldn't like to happen to myself. There are people who just never speak up, but have these same privacy needs as me. I can usually see that from a distance and try to play as cool as possible on that field. 

3. If my friends saw this post many consequences would come. First: They would know about Leo. All this stuff on Actualized.org. All the self-help, meditation, serious emotional problems etc. What they would think about me? Probably interested or annoyed. Because of Actualized.org I see many dysfunctionalities in my friends lives, but I never try to point them out. I am no teacher and therefore will not try to teach anyone anything. I simply am a seeker here. If they discovered this entire forum and the channel, they would understand what I am doing but also be kind of ''attacked'' with the hard truth that is here. They would be confronted with all of their problems and I think that they would only be able to handle that if they found Actualized.org on their own. Not by me. I did find it on my own. Second: They would know about how I think. I have a journey on this forum. They would know about my thoughts all the way back to 2 months ago. I have shared many things here because I know no one on this forum knows me IRL. I need advice and therefore ask it here. I don't want them to find my journey or the questions I ask here.

4. What do you mean with this last question?

[tsuki]

17 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

4. What do you mean with this last question?

1. Do you think that your friends value their privacy as much as you do?
2. Do you think that your friends understand privacy the same way as you do?

[Ampresus]

38 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you think that your friends value their privacy as much as you do?

@tsuki Not all of them. Many of them don't mind having these experiences like being taken pictures of by friends while doing your usual thing. At least that is what I think, since they never said that they didn't want that (unlike me, I clarified that I didn't want it).

 

39 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you think that your friends understand privacy the same way as you do?

They never do, that is why I left many friend groups on the internet. Not so much that my privacy was violated (somtimes it was), but more like their behavior towards it made me want to leave them. I thought that making friends IRL would be much better, and in a certain sense it is, but people stay the fucking same. I sometimes don't see any difference between the people on the internet vs people IRL. Maybe people IRL are too much focussed on the internet rather than their surroundings. 

[tsuki]

Did leaving the online groups help to solve your privacy problem?

Doesn't it hit you as strange that people around you always seem to disrespect your boundaries? Are you sure that it is actually a problem with all the people around you?

[Krisena]

I can totally understand how you would feel betrayed if she uploaded the photo after asking her not to do it. That's very disrespectful. However it could also be an oversight, or maybe you didn't make yourself clear enough to her.

Instead of moving on, how about you tell her how you feel about using the picture that way? I'm sure that if you explicitly told her that using the picture makes you uncomfortable and asked her if she would take the picture down, she would have empathy for you and take it down at your request.

When people step over my boundaries, I find that it helps talking to them about it - letting them know what they did and how it made me feel in a non-confrontational manner. It's understandable that if you are a distrustful person by nature that this would be difficult, but it's worth a shot.

I do not agree that you should only focus on your own reactions. People have different needs and it's important that they are met so that everyone can be as healthy as possible. People will often be more than happy to accommodate you if you let them know what effect their behavior has on you.

On the other hand, certain needs can be very unique to you, and you may have difficulty attaining an understanding from others. As a self-identified HSP (highly sensitive person) I know how painful this is. If you don't recieve the understanding you need, I would consider taking other measures, like finding friends that actually respect you.

When you're 14, none of this will be easy to put forth, however I think it's imporant that you don't compromise on your values. Unless you are hurting other people, you are not the problem. You are simply different, which can be both a gift and a curse.

[Ampresus]

23 hours ago, tsuki said:

Did leaving the online groups help to solve your privacy problem?

 

@tsuki The only thing it solved was not experiencing it again by the same people. See, I still don't know the perfect solution.

 

 

23 hours ago, tsuki said:

Doesn't it hit you as strange that people around you always seem to disrespect your boundaries? Are you sure that it is actually a problem with all the people around you?

Look before I don't think it was, but now I certainly think it is. Before, I didn't make myself always so clear, but this time I made myself perfectly clear. There were no questions when I made myself clear, just acknowledgements.

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Ampresus said:

@tsuki The only thing it solved was not experiencing it again by the same people. See, I still don't know the perfect solution.

There are no perfect solutions. All solutions are temporary and turn to problems eventually.

1 hour ago, Ampresus said:

Look before I don't think it was, but now I certainly think it is. Before, I didn't make myself always so clear, but this time I made myself perfectly clear. There were no questions when I made myself clear, just acknowledgements.

You made yourself perfectly clear, and yet - it didn't work.
Maybe the fact that people acknowledge what you say does not mean that they will follow through?
Maybe the root cause of this problem lies in your attachment to privacy?
By all means, go talk to her like @Krisena  suggests and see if it helps.
If it doesn't, however - it is a perfect opportunity to practice having distance towards your self-image.
The only thing that matters in the end is whether you suffer consciously, or not.

Edited December 7, 2018 by tsuki

[Ampresus]

15 hours ago, tsuki said:

Maybe the fact that people acknowledge what you say does not mean that they will follow through?

@tsuki Sorry man, but this sounds incredibly stupid. If someone makes clear that they are uncomfortable with their privacy being invaded, what is so hard about following through then? If somehow you can't, at least make that clear. So the person, who's privacy being invaded scares him, can break contact with you in peace.

 

 

15 hours ago, tsuki said:

Maybe the root cause of this problem lies in your attachment to privacy?

My bad for having feelings, of course. I apologize for wanting to have some privacy. (This again sounds incredibly stupid)

 

 

15 hours ago, tsuki said:

By all means, go talk to her like @Krisena  suggests and see if it helps.
If it doesn't, however - it is a perfect opportunity to practice having distance towards your self-image.

I let it pass for this time. I changed the profile picture the next day to a laughing emoji with a middle finger. 

[tsuki]

4 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

If someone makes clear that they are uncomfortable with their privacy being invaded, what is so hard about following through then?

Hmm: peer pressure, habitual tendencies, intoxicants, infatuation, immaturity, general lack of consciousness.

7 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

My bad for having feelings, of course. I apologize for wanting to have some privacy. (This again sounds incredibly stupid)

Who said it's your fault? It's your responsibility though.

8 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

I let it pass for this time. I changed the profile picture the next day to a laughing emoji with a middle finger. 

Sure, let's see if that helps.

[Ampresus]

14 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Who said it's your fault? It's your responsibility though.

@tsuki Yes I think that is clear now that I have mentioned this twice before. Glad it is for you too. 

 

 

15 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Sure, let's see if that helps.

I mean the next day there weren't any problems so I guess it worked.