Why I'm an addict and why addiction doesn't provide what you're looking for.

[lmfao]

So I woke up at 04:45 am today and I took a shower and then afterwards I felt the urge to to go on YouTube like I normally would. I decided to not to and to just be mindful of what comes up. I noticed that without stimulating myself with anything, my present moment experience feels like torture and agony. There's boredom. I was just using addiction to distract myself from that. I let the emotion I was feeling inside just spread across my entire body and tried to accept it. I started to try to get a clear feeling and awareness of the essence/flavour of the sadness I was feeling. But the emotions were just so strong that I eventually gave in. 

After that, I ended up watching YouTube and watching porn and whilst I was doing so I realised that the same feelings of sadness and boredom were there the entire time its just that I never noticed. Its like there's just this negative feeling at the root of my experience. 

It's almost as if I use addiction to make myself literally forget that there negative feelings are there, but they are always there. Addiction doesn't alleviate the problem, just hides it. And so I'm not sure what to do about it. It seems like what I have to do about it will be extremely painful, the fear of emptiness (as Leo phrases it) is just overwhelming. 

[CreamCat]

Emotional Labor.

[tsuki]

@lmfao Great insight.

[ajasatya]

@lmfao try not cutting things off of your routine. replace them.

if you give yourself a stretch session, you'll feel WAY BETTER than after watching porn and masturbation. it's a matter of time until your body understands it and make it a new habit.

in the long run, you'll be able to spend entire days with healthy habits.

Edited December 5, 2018 by ajasatya

[PsiloPutty]

Whether or not you choose to "do" something about it, I think simply shining the light of awareness on the phenomenon is going to set some sort of subconscious measures in motion. Good insight, and one that most of us face (or don't face) daily. 

[Nahm]

@lmfao Mindfulness of the inner game is helpful, thinking directly in what is wanted terms vs not thinking of what is not wanted. 

and you got this bro.  

[bejapuskas]

You are so close to quitting your addictions now, just keep noticing it more and more  You can replace these things with meditation, stretching, reading and some other great things to do  Experiment.

[lmfao]

@ajasatya

2 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@lmfao try not cutting things off of your routine. replace them.

if you give yourself a stretch session, you'll feel WAY BETTER than after watching porn and masturbation. it's a matter of time until your body understands it and make it a new habit.

in the long run, you'll be able to spend entire days with healthy habits. 

You're right, I just need to find more things for boredom. 

@Nahm

48 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@lmfao thinking directly in what is wanted terms vs not thinking of what is not wanted. 

I get you. 

 

1 hour ago, PsiloPutty said:

Whether or not you choose to "do" something about it, I think simply shining the light of awareness on the phenomenon is going to set some sort of subconscious measures in motion. 

 

44 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

You are so close to quitting your addictions now

 

48 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@lmfao you got this bro.  

I hope you're right lmao

Edited December 5, 2018 by lmfao

[Nahm]

@lmfao Every omelette is made of broken eggs.    Don't beat up on yourself.