Feeling Hopeless and Useless

[Shroomdoctor]

Hello Guys and Girls,

I don't know how to begin to describe how I feel. Maybe I will start at the recent trigger. 

So Yesterday, I again tried to have sex with the girl I'm seeing at the moment and again it did not work. I had this situation a couple of times now with a couple of girls. I feel like I will never be able to actually get over this and feel so freaking demasculined, if thats a word.

And that brought everything else up to the surface. For three years I have tried to Self Actualize  and the only real result I can honestly congratulate myself on is building a bit of muscle. 

I tried to build a consistent meditation Habit, now i cant even do 5 minutes.

I changed my university degree to psychology thinking it would be my passion and I dont attend the classes.

I tried again and again to start making music, buying equipment for lots of money and then ending up not using it.

I tried to start to not give into instant gratification and still I cant get myself to be productive at all. 

I tried to eat healthy and I cant even get myself to cook one healthy meal a day.

I tried to keep  commonplace book and ended up deleting my notes over and over.

I tried and tried and tried and ended up with failure after failure. 

Yesterday I ended up searching for suicide options for two hours and then realizing that I don't actually want to kill myself. Even in that I fail.

I dont feel like I can get anywhere near where I want to be. I feel like its all a hopeless struggle against an invisible wall. The more I push, the more it hurts but nothing moves. 

I need hours to fall asleep and wake up with the feeling of "Fuck This."

I dont even know what I intend with this posts, but this is nothing that i want to tell anyone. I dont want their fricking pity. Their pity makes it so much worse. It makes me feel so much more like I'm useless. Every time my mother looks at me with concern and tries to help me I get so freaking angry. 

I dont want help. I want to be able to manage things myself. I want to able to live a freaking good life. I dont want to always be depending on others. But I feel like thats a goal I can never reach.
 

[purerogue]

I am just speculating , but maybe you have some type of ADHD, problems focusing on one thing, and it seems as if you are not in control of yourself when you try to focus one one thing, for example learning something even if you try , your mind will just switch to something else.If no we can work from there. 

Edited December 5, 2018 by purerogue

[BlackVoid]

Do not resist your misery. Not easy, but thats the way to let go. Surrender to it. Be it. 

[ajasatya]

@Shroomdoctor hello there, pal

i've been there. you're being too impatient and impulsive.

the only people i've ever seen with enough motivation to change so many things at once were those who were very close to death due to some kind of fucked up illness like cancer.

discipline yourself and implement one change at a time. make things easier for you. replacing one toxic habit by a healthy one is already hard enough.