The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Shin]

Shit, nothing is interesting to do anymore, I can't distract myself anymore ...

 

 

 

Edited February 23, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Right now all over again

 

 

[Shin]

I'm mostly meditating all day nowadays.

I will keep journaling when I have something interesting to say about it.

All my focus is on this now, I'm doing the minimum necessary everywhere else.

 

[Shin]

 

????

[Shin]

1 month
A whole month of distraction because I wasn't ready to face death.
No habits at all, no nothing, just video-games/series, junk food (but still no meat), and no sleep schedule at all.

I still don't know if I'm ready, but I can't go back forever, and eventually I'll have to say yes anyway.
Don't see the point to stall it, but at the same time I can't rush it either.

I totally let go during the ego backlash, I knew it would pass at some point, so I was just happy doing what I was doing.
Now I feel I will be able to be consistent again, but I'll have to start slow and focus on the most important stuff first.

I don't need to meditate as much anymore, nor do I need to inquire too, it's coming to me regardless if I do it or not.
During the backlash, several time I was very close to die again, so there is no need for practice anymore, I'm basically meditating and inquiring all day long anyway, it's automatic, I can't stop it.
I don't want to anyway, even though it's scary, because I know for sure I will die now, the only question is when.
That being said, I will still meditate one hour per day, because it feels good and helps to quiet the mind, sometimes more, sometimes way more (like the days when I go meditate all afternoon).

 

I want to go to in the midst of a forest and meditate all afternoons as soon as the weather allow it, not to rush anything, but just because I feel like it.
Yesterday In the train I was looking at the forest passing by, It was so beautiful and breath taking, much more alive than anything I ever saw as of yet,
So maybe that's why, but also because it's in my head for a few weeks now.

This and walking more, I'm so happy just to walk and just observing reality, I could do it all day.

 

 

Quote

 

No Nut:

Day 80

 

What I did today:

Wake up early 7AM
1h15 of meditation
1h15 of study
1h30 to complete an administrative file to switch college
40m walking

 

What I need to think about:

Asking for a new college flat
Doing the mandatory text from the teacher that sucks balls ( )
Sorting my mailbox
Studying for the class I skipped for two months

 

 

 

[Shin]

So I've run out of distraction for the day.

There is still 2 hours left before I have to go to bed.

Last time that happened was a month ago.

 

Fuck

?

[Shin]

 

Edited March 6, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

 

Relevant

???

[Shin]

I'd like to have a regular sleep schedule, but everyday I end up sleeping late.
Of course there is a good reason for that, a very good reason why I wait to be so tired that I almost instantly fall asleep 

The same reason I do not look at the same object for more than 2 second,
The same reason I don't look at any object other than a screen when I'm in my flat.

Same reason I do not look anyone in the eyes more than a second,
Or that I refuse to just sit still without doing anything for more than 5 seconds.

This is so scary guys 

 

 

Quote

 

No Nut:
Day 81

What I did today:
1h of meditation
1h30 of study
1h of walking
15m of journaling

What I need to think about:
Asking for a new college flat
Doing the mandatory text from the teacher that sucks balls ( )
Sorting my mailbox
Studying for the class I skipped for two months  

 

 

 

 

 

Yep, that sounds about right  

Edited March 7, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Oh boy,
I can literally see every day my awareness showing me more and more that I'm in a dream.

Whenever I walk now it's the same as if I was in a dream, like I'm walking an empty shell in a smokescreen world.
Wasn't scared, but I think it's not the full truth yet, just a preview to confirm what I knew intellectually until now.

 

Quote

 

No Nut
Day 82

What I did today
45m Walking
20m Study
1h Meditation
25m journaling

What I need to think about
Asking for a new college flat
Doing the mandatory text from the teacher that sucks balls ( )
Studying for the class I skipped for two months   
Buying a book to understand male/female psychology in depth

 

 

 

 

And when the outside is the same as the outside is when you're fucked  

Edited March 7, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

I'm stabilized enough to do some productive things everyday now,
But I'm still not facing it, like It's obvious, my mind is trying as hard as it can to think something, anything.

Usually I'm pretty thoughtless, it was this way for a long time, and I'm not apreciating the beauty of reality too, I always change my gaze to not get drawn too much in the present.

Clearly trying to bury my head in the sand to escape it.
It was always the case in retrospective, but now it is so obvious, clear and
There is the feeling that it is inevitable, and bound to happen at any moment

I don't see the point to wait or to stall, it's just wasted time at that point,
It's not like I will be able to stop it or to forget about it,
But here I am doing it regardless

It's only a matter of scale that it differ to all the other fear I got to go through,
As soon as I will let go and accept it, I will feel more free than I ever been.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight ???!!!    
 

Quote

No Nut
Day 84

What I did yesterday
1h meditation
30m walk
3h class

What I did today
1h study
1h10 meditation
45 minutes walk
30 minutes Journaling

 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

It was a nice afternoon, I walked for 1 hour in a brutal wind.
Almost brutal enough to not being able to walk

I wanted to go see the horses, but I had to take a plain field road, and I didn't want to push my luck, already had a hard time walking on a road with houses

Amazing the way I dodge looking at nature now, it's absurdly funny, It's comical really
I look at the ground sometimes, that didn't happened in years, obvious coping mechanism

 

Also I ate 2 burger with fish in 2 weeks, forgot to tell it until now.

 

 

 

 

Quote

 

No Nut
Day 85

What I did today
1h Meditation
1h Walk
1h Study (going to do it just after this)
15m Journaling

What I need to think about
Asking for a new college flat
Doing the mandatory text from the teacher that sucks balls
Studying for the class I skipped for two months   
Buying a book to understand male/female psychology in depth

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Ok still 2 hours left before bed and I want to self inquire ...

 

 

Relevant

[Shin]

In a few minutes ?

 

[zambize]

35 minutes ago, Shin said:

In a few minutes ?

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2019 by zambize

[Shin]

Nope,

Still backed off ?

At least I tried to face it.

 

Tomorrow I will try again.

I want it to be over,

I can't live like that forever.

Edited March 10, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Had a dream where I was again fully aware of being in a dream.

Yet it was exactly like «reality», I just knew it was «not real».

Used to happen once every few months, now it's several time per month.

 

I'm being paranoid right now,  i know it's the same on some level right now too.

I need to know, but I'm so scared to know ???

Edited March 11, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Motivation needed  

 

 

[Shin]

"The ego is gonna be kinda stupid and not really gonna understand the full scope of what I'm talking about, he's gonna think like,
<<Ohhh Leo is just kinda kidding that I'm gonna kill myself, I'm not really gonna kill myself.>>

And so the ego is gonna get on board and like all those ideas and benefits, and he's gonna take some years to chase those benefits,
Until he reach a point where he's gonna say <<Oh shit, he wasn't kidding>>.

But then it will be too late, cause the ego is gonna be past the point of no return."

 

 

 

 

[Shin]