The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Shin]

On ‎17‎/‎03‎/‎2019 at 8:31 PM, zambize said:

That's good! Don't let the fact that you were unrealistic (imo) yesterday take away from 2h30m meditation, that's sure as hell more than I did today, I'm rocking zero min so far

Today was zero too.

Problem is, I «meditate» all the time now, it's my default state, so that doesn't really change anything (still screwed ?).

 

How many weeks/months will I be able to keep my head in the sand ?

A matter of time it is, until the inevitable must be faced.

Never thought I would ever do this in my entire life, but praying is actually something I do now.

That's showing how this all thing will put you to your knees.

 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

[zambize]

45 minutes ago, Shin said:

I feel like I'd prefer the stars, stars are much cooler than the moon and way further away.  They are bigger and stronger

"Shoot for the stars and if you can't get out of orbit, you'll land on the moon"

Fixed your quote 

[Shin]

12 hours ago, zambize said:

I feel like I'd prefer the stars, stars are much cooler than the moon and way further away.  They are bigger and stronger

"Shoot for the stars and if you can't get out of orbit, you'll land on the moon"

Fixed your quote 

Too lazy to learn how to edit picture.

???

 

There is no cellphone on the moon,

What I am going to do there ?

You serious ?

And no, there is no weed either Zambize ?

[zambize]

Just now, Shin said:

Too lazy to learn how to edit picture.

???

 

There is no cellphone on the moon,

What I am going to do there ?

You serious ?

And no, there is no weed either Zambize ?

You might be forced to do self-inquiry! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn

 

Yeah that's right, planet earth is the only place I know in the universe to smoke me a joint or do acid/shrooms.  Maybe I chose to live here before I was born for a reason :))))) 

[Shin]

Sums up it all

???

 

[Shin]

Self inquiry listening this

 

 

Be like

 

 

[Shin]

[Shin]

This is what needs to happen.

For real, and not as an idea.

This is what I truly fear.

 

 

 

Oh my god ?

Edited March 20, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Now that I'm thinking about it.

When my heart contracts and it make me feel like I'm going to die,
I'm starting to wonder, if that is not actually what is happening at all.

What if the heart is not contracting at all,
But is actually trying to open itself fully.

What if the biggest fear we have is not to die,
But to be submerged by love completely.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Shin

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

Now that I'm thinking about it.

When my heart contracts and it make me feel like I'm going to die,
I'm starting to wonder, if that is not actually what is happening at all.

What if the heart is not contracting at all,
But is actually trying to open itself fully.

What if the biggest fear we have is not to die,
But to be submerged by love completely.

One time when I was younger I kept having dreams where I was getting my throat slit, or getting shot and killed.  I remember a particularly fun one of I think I was on like some kind of shit and someone was using a pair of scissors and was trying to use it to open up my neck, and we were in quite the struggle haha.  I had a lot of these dreams.  Then one day I had a dream where I was getting chased by a tank, I was running on the streets away from it and it was chasing after me and I was getting fired at.  For whatever reason that night I just had enough, and I laid down, stopped struggling, and let that tank roll over me.  I can't really describe that state I was in afterwards, maybe vibrating and free.  It didn't really have a shape that I can remember or visuals that I could describe, but that night was amazing.  Those were some of the last nights I died in my dreams, I don't really remember dying much at all in my dreams after that.  I hadn't felt like I died, and I didn't wake up in the morning like "wow ego death".  But in the morning I felt a whole heck of a lot better, I died but not really.  I didn't think of it at all as death, in any sense really.  You're probably going to end up laughing at yourself after this.  Not to belittle the intense emotions you are feeling right now, but maybe you've had times in your life where you looked back at a problem that seemed really big in the moment, and it just wasn't a problem

[Shin]

Yeah, it will be probably be a big joke  

But I don't want to bypass anything, and right now it does not feel like a joke at all  

[flowboy]

Promise you won't turn into another brown bear?

[Shin]

37 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Promise you won't turn into another brown bear?

That's another reason I'm scared about this.

When you see all the cults that exist, and what the reports of those cults are.
I mean, what If I become a huge asshole who doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone ?

I don't see how it could happen for me, because I'm careful about my shadows,
But you never know, and I might be unconscious about some nasty ones.

[flowboy]

If we're talking run-of-the-mill enlightenment, my impression is that after things settle down you can still use your regular personality to function in the world. Martin Ball still seems like a pretty nice guy still. Gary Weber is not an asshole, it seems.

Then again what the fork do I know

[Shin]

21 minutes ago, flowboy said:

If we're talking run-of-the-mill enlightenment, my impression is that after things settle down you can still use your regular personality to function in the world. Martin Ball still seems like a pretty nice guy still. Gary Weber is not an asshole, it seems.

Then again what the fork do I know

I can promise that I will try not to be an ass.

And if I see that I can't help it, then I'll isolate myself.

 

[flowboy]

For myself I decided a while ago that what I do is just what flows through me, and I don't have the knowledge to judge that as good or bad. So if it is authentic for me to be an asshole, I am totally cool with that. Apparently that is my purpose then. Who knows what is good for the world, anyway. So for me personally the challenge is to discern between intuition and neurotically driven inclinations. Idk if you can relate to this, interested to hear your thoughts

Edit: So by the same token if your authentic behaviour becomes that of a brown bear, then that must be what's good, right? How both our little egos feel about that is not that important anymore?

Sorry for spamming your blog

Edited March 20, 2019 by flowboy

[Shin]

I don't really care what I become,

But I care about my impact on other people feelings, but not to the extent of limiting myself.

I do the same, I am being me fully, but while being conscious of what I just said.

So in time I see my behaviors change, because my will to care is being embodied.

 

You can spam how much you want I don't mind

[Shin]

I remember a day, maybe when I was 15 years old,

I had what I would label as a karmic knowing.
I knew and understood exactly why everything happened in my life, why it had to happen this way, in that order, and it all made perfect sense.

There was a total acceptance of every events, even the most tragic ones.
That wasn't a time where I was stable at all, yet I was extremely peaceful that day.

This wasn't intellectual, there was no logical interpretation, yet it made perfect sense.
It was like I was seeing my life from a higher point of view, "outside" of my mortality.

 

It was at this age that I started to ask myself meta physical questions

Like what would I be if I was some one else ?
Is there even really a difference between me and anyone else ?
What if the difference is just inhabiting an another body, and everyone is the same ?

I was always wondering why anything were the way it was.
I never took anything for granted, even the things that was supposed to be obvious, like shaking hands or having to  say thank you.
Basically if something didn't make sense, or wasn't explained, I refused to do it or forgot to do it.
It pissed off my parents and my ant so much sometimes, "always have the last words, can't you just be a good boy (and shut up)"  

Every time something didn't make sense or was seen as inefficient it was not pursued anymore.
If it wasn't sustainable long term, I just lost total interest in doing it.

There is only one thing I never stopped pursuing, and I probably never stop pursuing, even if it means dying trying.

 

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by Shin

[Zigzag Idiot]