The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Shin]

Last night I got to bed at 5 AM again, 
Cried a good chunk of the night again too.

There is really not a logical reason, it's all irrational, I don't even know what or why I'm being so fearful.
I've exhausted everything now, there is really nothing that could help me think I can avoid it.

Even buying time does not work, I have no control about what I will do next.
Sometimes I just drop out of interest for something and do something else in a split second,
I'm not in control, never was, and never will be.

I'm totally powerless about all of it, I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow let alone in 5 seconds.
I'm not doing anything, and I don't know what I am, nor that I know if I ever had a past.
I don't know if any of you exist, nor that anything I think I know.

The only think I know for sure is that I'm here, experiencing an human being writing on a laptop laying in a bed, in a bedroom.
Everything else is a story.

 

Quote

No Nut

Day 87

What I did yesterday
30m walking
4h of class

What I did today
2h meditation
30m study
2h class
1h walking
30m journaling

What I need to think about
Asking for a new college flat

Doing the mandatory text from the teacher that sucks balls
Studying for the class I skipped for two months 
 
Buying a book to understand male/female psychology in depth

 

 

Edited March 12, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

HOLY JESUS

Just dreamed about being killed by an infinite «boss» from a video game, with an infinite size, power, presence and reach.

Couldn't even dodge his laser beam attack, even behind the supposed unbreakable wall.

It was both terrifying and amazing.

Holy cow my heart beat sooo fast a moment ago

THAT WAS SCARY WOOOOOOOO

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

By the wway I made a google search for the scariest boss in video game,

I don't recommand that.

But if you do, it is more terrifying than the scariest you will see

Way more

Lol

[Shin]

Even sleeping isn't safe anymore

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

 

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Pretty much this

 

 

[Shin]

?????

I expect to experience the «monster» which represent the annihilation of the self in real life now.

It's even worse than before

???

[Shin]

 

Literally done nothing the all day

0 energy

Fearful to be alone without distraction

Fearful to go outside

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Shin

[zambize]

Just now, Shin said:

I'd probably believe you based off your last 100 posts or so

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, zambize said:

I'd probably believe you based off your last 100 posts or so

 

[Charlotte]

Keep smiling ?

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Keep smiling ?

You remember ?

I thought you would forgot,

 

You know,

With your fish goat eyebrow twitchy  brain

 

??

[zambize]

I have a one piece analogy for you that I thought of when I saw your profile pic.

You're zoro, and luffys ball of pain is self inquiry 

 

[Shin]

8 minutes ago, zambize said:

I have a one piece analogy for you that I thought of when I saw your profile pic.

You're zoro, and luffys ball of pain is self inquiry 

 

 

 

He literally tells him there is like 9 chance out of 10 he's gonna die

 

 

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

 

 

He literally tells him there is like 9 chance out of 10 he's gonna die

 

 

1/10 chance you become a fucking badass 

[Shin]

Just now, zambize said:

1/10 chance you become a fucking badass 

 

I'm not sure this is how it works Zambize.

You don't even become anything apparently  

[zambize]

Just now, Shin said:

 

I'm not sure this is how it works Zambize.

You don't even become anything apparently  

Well just cause if you became anything, you couldnt be everything.  It's an irrelevant statement in my opinion.  What you are aware of that you are is always going to be a subset of what you actually are no?  Seems silly to stress about going from a subset to a full set, but it's natural for some people during their enlightenment process I guess

[Shin]

1 minute ago, zambize said:

Well just cause if you became anything, you couldnt be everything.  It's an irrelevant statement in my opinion.  What you are aware of that you are is always going to be a subset of what you actually are no?  Seems silly to stress about going from a subset to a full set, but it's natural for some people during their enlightenment process I guess

I was just saying that I'm not gonna become anything special,

Except I will know the truth  

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

I was just saying that I'm not gonna become anything special,

Except I will know the truth  

Says a bunch of gurus, you'll have to verify that no?  Does shin know that shin will know the truth? You can't know that you'll know the truth unless you know the truth I would think.  How can you know that you'll know something you dont know?  I know that's really nitpicky but I fell into some similar traps of not verifying stuff in my own experience and taking peoples words on what stuff might be like, maybe you're not doing that, but it sure as hell was a trap for me

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, zambize said:

Says a bunch of gurus, you'll have to verify that no?  Does shin know that shin will know the truth? You can't know that you'll know the truth unless you know the truth I would think.  How can you know that you'll know something you dont know?  I know that's really nitpicky but I fell into some similar traps of not verifying stuff in my own experience and taking peoples words on what stuff might be like, maybe you're not doing that, but it sure as hell was a trap for me

 

I actually don't know,
But I don't expect to become magically something great out of it.
I'm working on myself now, and if it makes it easier to become what I want to become, then that's nice, otherwise it's ok too  

I just want to know the truth at that point, even though It might look like I don't, I'm just afraid, but I still want to.

[zambize]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

 

I actually don't know,
But I don't expect to become magically something great out of it.
I'm working on myself now, and if it makes it easier to become what I want to become, then that's nice, otherwise it's ok too  

I just want to know the truth at that point, even though It might look like I don't, I'm just afraid, but I still want to.

Well it seems like it's coming to a bit of a head recently, hopefully you find some relief soon