The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Nahm]

@Shin Sounds like you are in limbo / relativity looping. 

[Shin]

16 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shin Sounds like you are in limbo / relativity looping. 

I don't know what that means.

[Nahm]

@Shin Limbo, like inbetween two stages. Feeling off / not grounded or centered...made worse by remembering feeling grounded & centered and not knowing the direct path to the next stage, to transcend and again feel grounded / centered. Like you left one stage (willingness to check the messages / feelings), reached the inbetween / limbo stage (received the message / are aware of the feeling), but have not yet understood the message. 

Relativity looping in the sense...The bundle of thoughts, or the idea of Nahm is a thing of or “in” relativity. If awareness is seeking the knowing of it’s nature, but is looking from the bundle / Nahm idea, and also looking to relativity or thinking; that’ll just keep looping with occasional slight deviations (elevated and downgraded moods / feelings) , a potentially infinite thought loop, with awareness never arriving at the discovery of it’s nature, prior to thought.  Like playing the three cups and a peanut game, but never finding the peanut, nor losing cathartically enough to seek the means of realizing exactly how it is that there never was a peanut. 

[Shin]

Forced to meditate with music,

That's how fear there is when silence is there ??

[Shin]

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

[Nahm]

20 hours ago, Shin said:

I don't know what that means.

Your emoji / avatar is rolling so perfectly with that comment today.

Side note...http://johnfbaggett.com/blog/?p=260

 

[Shin]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

Your emoji / avatar is rolling so perfectly with that comment today.

Side note...http://johnfbaggett.com/blog/?p=260

 

I cried all morning ????

[Nahm]

@Shin There is infinite, immeasurable, soul crushing love for you. Not to mention,    all of us too. The set up is worth the punchline my man. Hang in there. Don’t beat up on yourself. Just keep barfing it up. Be loved.

That limbo...when the time is right, it may be helpful to realize what is dying off. Clarity there will come all on itt’s Own, but you could preface it a little, if it feels right.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AUJH-bAVB0w

 

[Shin]

[Shin]

[Shin]

Finally be able to meditate again.

My new wallpaper

 

 

I still feel I could die at any point, so ... ?

 

See you tonight baby ?

Edited February 9, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

I want to be other with this fear, but at the same time I do everything I can not to feel it.
It's like being splitted in two, one part wants to go beyond, and one would do anything to stay put, both knows there is no alternative though.

Spiritual teachers aren't lying when they tell you you really need to want it, you need willigness, faith and courage.
In my experience if you don't have that you can't pass, you will reject it every time.
At that point it's more about letting go and accepting it, and even though it appears less intense and painful, you can sense the deep existential fear that once dug up, could make you mental if you don't let it go.

The thing is, you can conceptualize it all you want, you don't know if you're gonna die for real or not.
It really doesn't matter, it's all just a big question mark, except your life is the gamble you put on the table.

Fortunately, after this, it will all be over  
How could I ever fear anything if I realize death has never been an issue ?
How could I fear anything if I know I'm already beyond death ?

I would never fear anything anymore, and just do what I want to do with 0 fuck given
I still fear to die, so even though the opinion of other has no impact, the fear od death still run my life, even if it's deeply unconscious (I don't see how it is the case, but it surely does).

I don't know what I would do if that would be the case, and I don't even think I want to know.
The more unexpected it is, the better  
(Just don't kill me too quickly )

 

Please be true

 

Quote

 

Saturday

No Nut - Day 54

Affirmations 10m
Meditation 2h30
Reading 15m
Bentinho Course 20m
Walk 10m
Work out 0m
Journaling 40m

= 4h05

 

 

 

Edited February 9, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

At any point now it could happen now, I distract myself all I can, but it's not gonna work  

It's the first time that I can't follow my daily routine for so long, usually it's at most a few days after a huge event that strikes me down, but this is different, it's like being on the verge of shifting to a whole different reality.

It's like being on a rollercoaster, you are climbing fully knowing there is no way out until you start the fall.
It's exciting yet extremely terrifying, and there is nothing rational about it unlike in a rollercoaster, it's just pure fear.

Everyday I go out and my mind is automatically saying things like "shit, oh shit" or "fuck this, fuck, I'm so fucked"  

I can see the sense of self shifting to all the visual experiences, If I could walk without looking at anything I would  
I say that, but it's mesmerizing, so amazingly beautiful that I can't.

 

Also this: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 13, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Holy shit guys, full ego backlash,

But it still isn't enough, I have weird 3rd person phenomenons (still first person, impossible to explain) right fucking now ???

Edited February 16, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Can't even take a dump without having a samadhi happening,

No wonder I distract myself 99% of the time

??????

[Shin]

I've been allowed to meditate today, maybe going back to normal tomorrow ? ?

[Shin]

Distracting myself all day long for weeks, still not enough, it gets deeper everyday.

No turning back possible anymore.

[Shin]

Edited February 21, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]