The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Charlotte]

@Shin Perfect timing shinster

[Vitamine Water]

@Shin Nice journal man

Keep it up

 

[Shin]

 

Yes or no ?

 

Edited December 31, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Please tell me when I delude myself.

Don't be easy on me.

 

Yes or no ? ?

[Vytas]

I find him very helpful on the path. If you resonate with what he says/does then follow the sadhana and see how your being changes in a month  

[Vytas]

And btw, this video (link below) captures nicely the theme of your journal. Keep up the good work man

 

[Shin]

Quote

 

If we are willing to look, we will see that life is always in the process of waking us up.
If we are not in harmony with life, if we are working in opposition to it, then it is a rough ride indeed.

When we are not willing to see what life is trying to show us, it will keep ramping up the intensity until we are willing to see what we need to see.
In this way, life itself is our greatest ally.

It is almost a spiritual cliché to say that life is your greatest teacher.
Studentes nod as if they know what that means.

But we can only know what it means when we have been through it,
When we have allowed ourselves to have life hold up a mirror so we can see ourselves clearly.

The End 0f Your World page 111/112 - Adyashanti

 

I won't quote more, but he's talking about seeing through the beliefs that hurts us through life events.
All beliefs are identifications, and therefore that is why we say that suffering and life is our greatest ally, because we can't escape its lessons,
Whether we allow ourselves to learn the lessons or deny the lessons existence is up to us.

 

I personally learned 2 lessons:

No matter how good and amusing a hobby is, it can't be fulfilling in itself (Video game addiction).
No matter how a relationship feels nice in the Inside, it can't replace true love, which can only be felt from Inside out without any specific reason. (Deep loneliness all my life until 27 years old).

Decades of suffering with both combined, and I'm glad it happened.
I'm glad of all the suffering that came, because now I can enjoy those things without thinking I need them to be complete.

I one comes it's fine, if one goes it's fine too.
 

 

Quote

 

Monday

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 40m
Work-out: 20m
Affirmations: 5m
Reading: 30m
Bentinho course: 20m
Journaling: 0m

= 4h

No Nut: Day 14

 

Quote

 

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

I didn't study, I did everything before the evening, but I stayed somewhere instead of going home like I said I would.

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Woke up at 7h59 precisely 

 

 

 

 

Quote

 

Tuesday

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 35m
Work-out: 0m
Affirmations: 10m
Reading: 30m
Bentinho course: 30m
Journaling: 1h

= 4h45

No Nut: Day 15

 

 

Quote

 

Didn't have much hope for today, stayed up late and wake up latewhile having all the shit too digest from last night  
 

What I want to do tomorrow

Study again
Wake up before 9AM at least

 

 

 

Edited January 1, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

5 hours ago, Vytas said:

And btw, this video (link below) captures nicely the theme of your journal. Keep up the good work man

 

 

He uses my favorite word ?

Thank you

 

Also I ate fish at new years eve, I could just have ate rice and carrots, butI didn't.

[Shin]

Leo almost killed me today, 
I really didn't handle well when he said 

"Stay with emptiness"

Intense fear came up in a matter of seconds, and I instantly distracted myself by putting a meme on the forum and annoying a friend.
I think I'm subconsciously holding me back on this, I'm pretty sure that I could awaken in an instant if I was totally honest with myself.

Each time something like this happen, some layer of untruth is seen though, like I can't unseen the fear and the retraction that happened.
It's as if I knew that If let go in that instant, I couldn't go back, at least that's how it feels.

It's almost ironic in a sense, because almost everything I do everyday is about waking up, and when I see that I reject it that fast it makes me facepalm everytime

 

 

Quote

Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   Emptiness is form, form is emptiness   

 

I think I'm screwed 

 

 

Quote

Wednesday

Walk: 1h10
Affirmations: 15m
Meditation: 2h
Bentinho Course: 30m
Reading: 30
Journaling: 40m
Work out: 0m
Study: 0m
Leo last video: 1h20

= 6h30

No Nut: Day 16

 

Quote

 

Still couldn't do what I wanted.
I woke up super late (1PM) and I didn't study at all

There is no guilt or anything though, I start to experientially trust that everything that unfold is unfolding precisely how it has to, and not intellectually like I I remember I said weeks earlier.
I still think I should study and wake up earlier, but if it doesn't happen even when I'm putting will on it, it's just not supposed to happen I guess.

Things that was nice about today in contrast to this, is that I lost the need to distract myself again, maybe the backslide is over, I had no desire or willingness to Watch a movie/series or to play a video game, last time that happened it lasted 4 months 

What I want to do tomorrow (): 

Study ()
Wake up way earlier ()

Please god let me pass the exam 

 

 

 

 

[Shin]

 

 

[Shin]

«Stay with emptiness»

 

 

[Shin]

 

External sounds and the body comes from the same place.

I know it's true because once I saw it, fear and tears appeared out of nowhere 

?

[Shin]

 

 

[Aakash]

@Shin should have seen my now when i read you play pokemon! and even have a journal! where was you when i needed to evolve my haunter :') 

[Shin]

Had mind attack this morning.
 

"You have no passion for anything"

"You have no place in the world"

"You will never fit anywhere"

"You are useless"

"What if all this enlightenment stuff is all bullshit and you're wasting your all life with it ?"

"You have no direct experience that it's true, only memories"

"What if it's true, but you are the expression of infinity that which is supposed to never awaken and only suffer knowing exactly what to do and not do to awaken ?"

 

My face when the last sentence was heard 

 

I have no idea what's true or not, it's true that I feel I don't have any passion for anything, and this may be a reason why I don't bother to study more, this, lazyness or maybe because I'm just not supposed to study more as of now.

I don't know if I'm using this as an excuse or not, but I just prefer to let life flow, and if I don't feel like doing something I just don't do it.
After all, even if I say that I'm going to do something, often times I do not, even if I put great will into it.
Which really makes me Wonder if I really have any control at all, even though it seems so.
The mind thinks it should be one way, but life is just happening in some way, and it has nothing to do with what the mind think it should happen.

I don't want to use this as an excuse in order to be lazy, but something in me tells me it's totally ok, and even though it makes no sense, I prefer to listen to this.

(So I won't say what I want to do or not anymore, since I have no idea what's gonna happen or not, it can change from day to day, even hours from hours now)

 

I also woke up again at 1PM, yesterday it was because I slept very badly (Don't know why), today it's obvious why.
Also installed again the game I won't tell the name about (but only played very little fortunately )

 

Much love to all of  you, I hope you are all alright,
I know it's unlikely to be this way, but that's what I wish for you.
That's my deepest wish in the end

 

Quote

 

Thursday

Walk: 50m
Affirmations: 5-5-0m
Meditation: 2h
Bentinho Course: 20m
Reading: 30
Journaling: 0m
Work out: 20m

= 4h10

No Nut: Day 17

------------------------------------------

Friday

Walk: 1h
Affirmations: 15m
Meditation: 2h
Bentinho Course: 35m
Reading: 25m
Journaling: 1h
Work out: 0m

= 5h15

No Nut: Day 18

 

 

Edited January 4, 2019 by Shin

[Igor82]

I love you 

I know its hard, it's so damn hard, I have been right there, its all so incredibly difficult! I see me in you, the moments of struggle when it's difficult, you deserve a wet kiss on the forehead! Thank you for doing this, you are brave! I would give you the most loving hug if only I had the arms to reach you <3 @Shin

[Shin]

23 minutes ago, Igor82 said:

I love you 

I know its hard, it's so damn hard, I have been right there, its all so incredibly difficult! I see me in you, the moments of struggle when it's difficult, you deserve a wet kiss on the forehead! Thank you for doing this, you are brave! I would give you the most loving hug if only I had the arms to reach you <3 @Shin

❤

 

[Aakash]

3 hours ago, Shin said:

Had mind attack this morning.
 

"You have no passion for anything"

"You have no place in the world"

"You will never fit anywhere"

"You are useless"

"What if all this enlightenment stuff is all bullshit and you're wasting your all life with it ?"

"You have no direct experience that it's true, only memories"

"What if it's true, but you are the expression of infinity that which is supposed to never awaken and only suffer knowing exactly what to do and not do to awaken ?"

i literally had this same mind attack today , i call it the stage where you realise what silence/ stillness really means! 

[Shin]

Quote

 

"All I know is right now [...] What I really know is that there are no guarantees.
I don't know what may happen tomorrow, or the next instant" page 183

"In a certain sense, enlightenment is dying into the ordinary, or into an extraordinary ordinariness.
We start to realize the ordinary is extraordinary" page 169

"Enlightenment is when everything within us is in cooperation with the flow of life itself" page 167

The End Of Your World (Sounds True edition) - Adyashanti

 

 

 

Quote

 

Walk: 20m
Affirmations: 5-5-5m
Meditation: 2h
Bentinho Course: 30m
Reading: 30m
Journaling: 25
Work out: 0m

= 4h

No Nut: Day 19

 

 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Woke up at 8:30AM