The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Shin]

21 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

?? 

"The shit storm is coming" ?

Will they not be too pleased? 

I don't know, but it could be funny ?

[Shin]

It's been a while that I didn't thought about this, but I've gone to a mall that is crowded and tried to remember how it was to be me before all of this.

What people think of me, who's staring at me, how I look like, what I like or don't like about what I see, what I'm supposed to do tonight/tomorrow or in a month, etc 

Shocking how different it is.
There is almost nothing left, as if there wasn't a person here anymore, almost …
I don't even remember how it was to judge and categorize everything, naming everything I see before using it or talking about it.

If I'm honest with myself, I've never done a retreat, took a psychedelic, or did self-inquiry on a long enough period.
Could it be because I know that If do those, it will be the end of me ? 

Or is it because I genuinely don't feel the need to do any of it as of now ?
Honestly I don't know, I've deceived myself so many times that I can't pronounce myself on this.

What I know is that the 2 hours of meditation a day starts to have a profound impact, it is just like the first few months 2 years ago.
Those months were I was meditating at least 2 hours a day and forcing myself to be conscious all the time, except now it's effortless.


Sometimes I don't even want to do anything and just sit, and it feels more satisfying than anything else I could do.
I know I've said that quite a lot, but it still amaze me that doing nothing is more fulfilling than anything else I could do.

Who would have thought that just sitting and doing nothing in the dark (not even in nature) could make you blissful ?

I can literally feel my body having subtle orgasms within itself, I can't even imagine how infinitely more powerful it can be, but I know it can.
Somehow I always end up stopping my meditation shortly after it happens, next time I should let go and see what happens.

It's different than going into the "deep sleep zone" and also different than a Kundalini awakening, it feels like infinite love wanting to express itself through me.
I say this because the subtle orgasms aren't physical, and it isn't something happening in my mind either (as an emotion), and the only thing I can put a word on it is love.

I'm afraid of it.

 

 

Quote

 

Habit Tracker 

Meditation: 2/2h
Affirmations: 10/10m
Walk: 30/30m
Course: Pause as suggested in the course.
Reading: 30/30m
Work out: 20/20m
Journaling/music: 1h

+ 25m taking notes and 20 minutes videos (of Leo)

= 5,25h

8:45AM to 2AM = 17,25 - 2 = 15,25h

 

No Nut: Day 6

 

 

Quote

 

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

Nothing.

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Everything.

What do I need to do tomorrow ?

Buy a book otherwise I won't have anything to read until the one I ordered on Amazon comes.
Walking way more, hoping it won't rain all day like today.
Watching videos on how to make revision sheets (I don't know the word in English), to prepare myself for Tuesday.

 

 

Edited December 24, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Nothing to say,

So I'll just this here …

 

 

 

Quote

 

Yesterday

 

Habit Tracker 

Meditation: 2/2h
Affirmations: 10/10m
Walk: 40/30m
Course: Pause as suggested in the course.
Reading: 10/30m
Work out: 20/20m
Journaling/music: 0

= 3,25h

10:00AM to 2AM = 16 - 7 = 9h

 

No Nut: Day 7

 

Quote

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

Didn't found a book that pleased me, none of the spiritual or self-developement book that were there was the best of their author or simply inspiring.
Learned my lesson, I'll order the next book I want to read right when I got the one I ordered.

Forgot to watch the revision sheets video, will do on Tuesday right before studying, it's better this way anyway 

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Walking more

What did I wanted to do today (Tuesday 12/25)?

Nothing in particular, since it's my last day of vacation (4 days )

 

 

Quote

 

Today
 

Habit Tracker 

Meditation: 2/2h
Affirmations: 10/10m
Walk: 45/30m
Course: Pause as suggested in the course.
Reading: 5/30m (so few pages left )
Work out: 20/20m
Journaling/music: 35m

= 4h

8AM to 1AM = 17 - 2 = 15h

 

No Nut: Day 8

 

Quote

What do I need to do tomorrow ?

Study 5 hours

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

On 12/23/2018 at 9:47 AM, Charlotte said:

 

 

Spamming because it's just so good

 

 

[Shin]

 

• 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the afternoon, and 1 hour in the evening.
• Waking up at 6:30AM.
• Walking for 1h a day
• Meditate 30 minutes in the cold
• No eating in the morning and no snacks between meals.
  
  This is the things that I want to become a habit (again) before next monday.
  Probably too much to expect, but you can't go to the moon if you shoot the earth 

 

Quote

 

• Habit Tracker
• Meditation: 2/2h
  Affirmations: 10/10m
  Walk: 30/30m
  Course: Pause as suggested in the course (beginning again tomorrow Thursday 12/27)
  Reading: 5/5m (until new book)
  Work out: 20/20m
  Journaling/music: 30m
   
• + 3h40 of study
   
• = 7h15
   
• 9:30 to 1AM = 15h30 - 2 = 13h30
•  
• No Nut: Day 9
   

 

 

•  
• What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?
• Missed 1h20 of study because of lazyness.
  I have some excuses, but you know, they are excuses 
   
• What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?
  3h40 of study
   
• What do I need to do tomorrow ?
  5h of study 
  Waking up at or before 8:30AM

 

 

 

Edited December 26, 2018 by Shin

[Colin]

godspeed shin!

[Shin]

24 minutes ago, Colin said:

godspeed shin!

Love you too  

[Shin]

Edited December 27, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Don't forget to watch your hand 

 

[sarapr]

@Shin hey, you meditate a lot so I've got some questions for you, do you ever get this uncontrollable body movement of rotating and going back and forth while having pressure on your chest and for head in the spot  between your eyes?!? 

Recently that whole thing starts to happen to me even when I just sit still for one second somewhere not even wanting to meditate and sometimes my back is basically pushed against a chair but my body still starts to just do its own thing. Have you ever experienced anything like that? 

Edited December 28, 2018 by sarapr

[Shin]

I decided to stop trying to fix a timeframe for studying, I will just go with the flow and do as much as my intuition tells me.

Right after I saw that I wasn't late at all, the need to study that much totally dropped, yet I still have goals in mind as to what I want to be done.
Like I want to get done half of the study by sunday, and If I've done that before sunday, starting slowly what's left to study.

I think it will work better than forcing myself to do lots of hours everyday, I usually can't force myself to do that, and even when I can i'm usually extremely tired and backslide on other things.

So it's probably better to do a little Everyday, and If I see that I'm short on time then at this point I will force myself.
It shouldn't happen though, since next semester I will directly do all the revision sheets way before the exams.

Also I'm quite addicted to a game right now, and the Reason I didn't talk about it was because I Don't want you to get addicted too.
So I'm saying it, but I won't tell you what it is, that's the compromise I've come with  
The addiction is not that strong don't worry, I've had way worse  

 

Every day now I will quote a sentence, or set of sentences that goes together from the book I'm reading, like that I'll always have something to write, and it's an another way to remind me of the most important insight or knowledge I learned that day.

Since most of what I read comes from spiritual book, I doubt the author mind me quoting extensively,
From books that aren't, I will try to limit that to one sentence (worst case scenario Leo ban me )
 

Quote

It comes from a place that wants the Truth more than it wants to feel good.
If our orientation is simply to feel better in each moment, then we'll continue to delude ourselves, because trying to feel better in the moment is exactly how we delude ourselves.

Adyashanti - The End Of Your World - p.17

 

That's something most "spiritual" people don't want to hear.
In order to really awaken you can't just try to feel good and repress negative emotions, that's what everyone does, and that's why it doesn't work.

The only way is to face all fears, beliefs, projections in ourselves, so much that at some point the only thing we can be sure of is that we exist, but we don't know what that is.

To go this road we first need to go against our fears that limits us in our developement as human being, which is different for everyone.
If we can't face a basic fears, or even more hardcore ones, or whatever else that is limiting us in every day practical life, 

How can we accept to face the fear that we don't even exist in the first place ?
It sure is possible, but the chance of it happening is probably very low.

After that is done to the degree that we genuinely feel, after much shadow work that we don't have any other fear that we know of, that we stopped believing any beliefs we held, we can expect to be able to investigate the core belief that which we are a separate entity from everyone we experience.

All of this is extremely painful and not at all what we hear about enlightenment.
It is not beautiful, it is not magical, it is not Pleasant, it is not anything we thought it would be.

Yet chasing enlightenment without deconstructing the illusion of the self is a lost cause.
It's chasing a fantasy in our mind, that we will never catch, because there is nothing to catch,
Only false beliefs to see clearly through.

Everytime we see through a false beliefs it is painful, and it will be painful as long as we attach our sense of self on what we believe to be true.
The best strategy is to let go of the need to think we are right about anything, to hold everything as possible, and at the same time not true too.
This isn't a paradox, we don't need to be sure of anything, for to be sure of anything is how attachment comes from.

 

 

Quote

 

Thursday

 

Habit Tracker:

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 45m
Work-out: 0m
Affirmations: 10m
Reading: 30 m
Bentinho course: 25m
Journaling: 0m

+ 2h of study

= 5h50

9:10AM to 10:40PM = 13h30 - 1h30 = 11h
 

No Nut: Day 10
 

 

Quote

 

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

3 hours of study
Woke up 15 minutes late

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

2 hours of study
Woke up earlier

What I wanted to do today (Friday 12/28):

Wake up at 7h
Continue to study (without a timeframe in mind)

 

 

 

Quote

 

Friday

 

Habit tracker

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 30m
Work-out: 20m
Affirmations: 10m
Reading: 30 m
Bentinho course: 35m
Journaling: 1h15

+ 1h20 of study

= 6h45

8:45AM to 00AM = 15h15 - 1h30 = 13h45
 

No Nut: Day 11
 

 

Quote

 

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

Woke up 1h45 late 

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Continue to study

What I want to do tomorrow ?

Wake up earlier, set up the alarm at 6:30 
Continue to study 

 

 

[Shin]

 

16 minutes ago, sarapr said:

@Shin hey, you meditate a lot so I've got some questions for you, do you ever get this uncontrollable body movement of rotating and going back and forth while having pressure on your chest and for head in the spot  between your eyes?!? 

Recently that whole thing starts to happen to me even when I just still for one second somewhere not even wanting to meditate and sometimes my back is basically pushed against a chair but my body still starts to just do its own thing. Have you ever experienced anything like that? 

It never happened to me.

I never had any mystical expériences except the start of a  Kundalini awakening and 2 very short Samadhi (a few seconds).

[sarapr]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

 start of a  Kundalini awakening and 2 very short Samadhi (a few seconds).

What was it like?

[Shin]

1 minute ago, sarapr said:

What was it like?

The start of the Kundalini awakening = infinite suffering sprouting from within, or at least what I perceive as suffering.

The 2 samadhis are exactly like the description, you literally feel there is no distinction between you and the thing you look at,

[Shin]

 

Quote

Habit tracker

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 30m
Work-out: 20m
Affirmations: 10m
Reading: 30 m
Bentinho course: 0m
Journaling: 50

= 4h20

No Nut: Day 12

 

Quote

 

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

Everything  

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Nothing  

What I want to do tomorrow ?

Wake up earlier than 10AM
Continue to study  

 

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

So yesterday night I had a pretty intense experience.

Everything I looked was looking at me, except this time I was in total panick mod.

I had to distract myself for several hours before I could finally sleep, which made me woke at 2PM today, which I did on purpose not to have to open my eyes.

Today was fine until late at night when it happened again, when I was Walking outside the inner voice was like "oh shit oh shit" "oh god oh god" "I'm gonna die this is the end"  
 

It's one thing to know the concepts

It's another thing to experience them 

 

Edited December 29, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

 

[Shin]

I am worthy of liberation ?

 

Yes of course, everyone does

 

Since we are all god, why anyone of us wouldn't be worth of being liberated from their delusion ?

 

It doesn't matter what we did or did not, all evil was done because of ignoreance and internal suffering, we never wanted to hurt anyone, we only did because we were confused

Therefore everyone and everything is worthy of liberation

 

I personally don't need to) solve all my internal dilemma, I don't even know what those are right now since I slained a lot of them already.

Even if there are still some of them left, which is probablyu the case, I don't need to solve everything before realizing my true nature, I can do this after too.
 

I don't need to be a saint either, realizing my true nature isn't about being perfect, it's about seeing clearly what the truth of existence is.
There is no need to be anything, except to have the will to be honest about everything in me.

 

 

Am I willing to look at the facts of Existence, and have these obvious truths transform and clarify my beliefs about Presence-Consciousness? Can I receive and allow the goodness, the simple beauty, and the resulting ease and self-love of Existence into my being?

 

 

I am ready to be wrong about everything, as long as I can merge with the truth, with what I already am without realizing it.

It doesn't matter what the truth is, at that point I don't care about being right or wrong anymore.

I'm still fearful to receive divine love in me, I don't kow why exactly, maybe because I never was in love and feel that I would loose all the control I think I have.

 

 

Can I accept that I am already perfect as I am, inseparable from All That Is?

 

Yes, I can intuit somehow that everything is perfect as it is, which of course is not an excuse not to improve to reduce the suffering of sentient beings that are identified with forms, in all of what I do, even the insignificant things.

 

I also don't need to become "better", I am already a wonderful being as I am, even years ago, but realizing more of the truth and aligning with it more makes life more enjoyable for me, as well of everyone around me, so for this reason improving is interesting and a natural inclination.

 

In fact, the more I realize I'm already perfectly fine as I am, the more I improve, but paradoxically the needs or want to improve fades.

 

 

Or, do I insist—with the use of my petty mind—that I know better than the obvious truths of Existence Itself, believing that there must be more to it than that, or something other than that, or that I must be different in order to earn the goodness that’s already here?

 

I don't need to be different to earn the truth, but I still think Enlightenment is a realization that is different that what I experience right now.
 

I still don't feel as one with everything, and I still don't feel unconditional love either, nor that I experientially know that I'm not the body/mind at all.

Some identification has been broken, but not all of it.

 

In a sense I'm already enlightened, cause I think it's an infinite continuum, and the above points are just tresholds on this continuum, not the end of the line of realizations that are possible.

 

 

Do I insist upon doubting the obvious and perpetuating more strife and suffering for myself?

 

No, there is no doubt anymore about the fact that whatever I experience it is already it, whether I'm inconscious, angry, sad, or lazy, or whatever else I experience.

There is no distinction between meditation and normal life, there was never a separation in the first place, I imagined the separation.

 

Suffering doesn't exist as long as I accept what is happening, which didn't happen for a long while now, even several months ago I fully accepter the pain caused by some separations.

 

 

Or, can I let these beautifully simple, non-mystical truths of Existence cleanse my vision, empty my heart of confusion, and then fill it back up with a loving fulfillment so pure that I cannot even begin to describe it?

 

I don't know what to answer here

I realized even more deeply nowadays that whatever I think or not, it's all part of the truth, even the most dumbest things

No doubt in my mind that I will awaken and see my tru nature someday, I even see no reasons why it could be now actually.

 

 

 

https://www.trinfinityacademy.com/courses/enlightenment-1-part-2-person-wakes-up-to-presence/lesson-10-there-is-only-now/#Homework

Edited December 30, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

We're not far offtrack concerning study, maybe a 2/3 hours behind, which I'll probably able to force my lazy Intj mind to catch up 

 

Highlight of the day:

Looking at the crows flying in group.
I was totally invested in the looking, I was GONE, for a baby second 

Didn't got a panick attack again, maybe the Universe understood I wasn't ready, or is preparing a sneaky plan where I won't even be able to panick and be forced to surrender 

Please force me to be your bitch and realize I don't even exist 

Quote

 

What's important is to avoid what I call spiritual bypassing - dismissing the thought , ignoring the fact that we got caught in a moment of reidentification.
We often use nondual language to this end.

We tell ourselves, " Oh , that's just identification. It doesn't matter, since there's nobody to do anything anyway. Everything's happening spintaneously, after all."

This is a subtle yet effective way of hiding from our own expereince.
It allows us to avoid dealing with our continuing tenecy to reidentify.
What is important is to have the willingness to look at these moments od identification clearly and honestly.

Page 53

 

Quote

 

To avoid this practice is to avoid your own awakening. 
Anything you avoid in life will come back, over and over again, until you're willing to face it - to look deeply into its true nature

Page 58

 

Quote

The end of your world - Adyashanti

This is basically the path in a nutshell.
No chanting to a deity/guru, not having a clear mind, not chasing a mystical experience, not feeling good all the time.

The reason is, that if we don't deconstruct all the beliefs in us, which means everything that triggers us, for real, and not by ignoring it/denying it,
Then the identification will come back, every single time.

It doesn't matter if we have an enlightenment, or 10, as long as we don't do this, enlightenment will never stick.
This is the main practice, from which everything else arose.

It doesn't matter how much we meditate or self-inquire, there are people who do this for decades without any results whatsoever.

All because they aren't doing the real work, which is to see through all the beliefs they hold, which leads in the end to the main assumptions of why enlightenment isn't already here.

It's only after doing this for a while that we can really ask existential question, before that we are too much stuck in our mind about other "problems", "insecurities" and arrogance about what we think we know.

 

Quote

Habit tracker

Meditation: 2h
Walk: 40m
Work-out: 0m (Too lazy )
Affirmations: 10m
Reading: 30m
Bentinho course: 30m
Journaling: 40m

+1 baby hour of study 

= 5h30

No Nut: Day 13

 

Quote

What I have not done that I said I would yesterday ?

Nothing 

What I have done that I said I would yesterday ?

Everything 

What I want to do tomorrow ?

Wake up earlier than 8AM
Continue to study  

 

 

 

 

 

[Shin]

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