Mindfulness and depression

[Pouya]

The more mindful i get, the deeper this wierd feeling gets. It looks like depression but why do i have a resistening feeling when i am mindful?

Like, being engaged with stuff unconcsiously is reality passing by without being known.

Now, the reality is getting so much richer and more "real" that it brings this deep wierd feeling with it. It is also affecting my studying and mood everyday.

It's like a dominant emotion which overcomes every other one and stays in the background, having deep roots in me.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Pouya

[ground]

What are you mindful of when you're mindful?

[Jack River]

2 hours ago, Pouya said:

The more mindful i get, the deeper this wierd feeling gets. It looks like depression but why do i have a resistening feeling when i am mindful?

Control/effort may be being applied. Control/effort is resistance. The self will redirect its concentration on a certain part of experience. This is a movement of thought as the self in resistance to what is. 

[Pouya]

2 hours ago, ground said:

What are you mindful of when you're mindful?

 of the experience that is happening right now.But it makes me dull and has a very deep wierd feeling.

Like peace+confusion

Edited December 4, 2018 by Pouya

[Pouya]

@Jack River why do i resist what is? Why i always distract myself automaticly from it?

[Jack River]

16 minutes ago, Pouya said:

@Jack River why do i resist what is? Why i always distract myself automaticly from it?

The self is time...

Thought is the past

The self identifies with the past and modifies (chooses/decides according to its bias) the present “the me”.

Then there is a projection of the above as the future(thinking). 

Continuity of the self(psychological time). 

So the self in its structure is fixed in time which in its nature resists what is “now”. The self is the past/present/projected future. The movement of the self/thought imples resistance to what is right now. Because the past (“my” knowledge/experience-memory(thought) meets the now and there is a conflict between what is and what I think should be, which is a bais of my own accumulation of (knowledge/experience/memory). 

Any movement away from what is the fact, to what should be (my bias/prejudice-thought) is resistance. 

Edited December 4, 2018 by Jack River

[Jack River]

So any movement of control/effort is time/self(resistance) in action. 

If there is conflict as you mentioned above then we can be sure that there is resistance. 

Control/effort/resistance=conflict

all of this is divison implies we are acting on the notion that the subject is separate from the object. That the controller is distinct from the controlled. This divison causes conflict/resistance/suffering. 

Until the divison is seen through as being one unit of Time(the controller is the controlled) this conflict/resistance will continue. 

Edited December 4, 2018 by Jack River

[Jack River]

If we are in conflict now, we can be sure that every movement we make in our daily life is resistance. Can we be aware of that?

We may see that literally every moment of the day is a movement away from what is. Awareness of this movement is necessary fosho. 

Edited December 4, 2018 by Jack River

[Pouya]

9 minutes ago, Jack River said:

That the controller is distinct from the controlled. This divison causes conflict/resistance/suffering

thank you

[Jack River]

@Pouya ?

[ground]

2 hours ago, Pouya said:

 of the experience that is happening right now.But it makes me dull and has a very deep wierd feeling.

Like peace+confusion

Maybe you should not interprete experience but directly perceive it as such? I think that 'peace' or 'confusion' are interpretations but not experience.

[EternalForest]

I experience the same thing, sometimes when I'm meditating it feels a lot like I'm being purged of all negative emotions and subconscious demons. In this way meditation has actually proved to be pretty practical for me, as the most pressing issues I have that I'm usually not aware of tend to creep up during these sessions (spend more time with grandma, work harder towards your goals, stop overeating, etc.) Other times I think about nothing at all, and those times sure feel peaceful, and during those times it feels like I could sit there for hours.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Pouya Perhaps there's still feelings buried within you deep down that need to be expressed.

Maybe you should call "that" person.

Perhaps you need to that the "talk" that you've been putting off for too long.

Just some suggestions. 

Good luck 

[Pouya]

@Sahil Pandit thanks

[Pouya]

@Jack River I discorved something today,

I create my emotions and that same I is not there to create and react to emotions.

as @Sahil Pandit said, this could also be a surfacing from subconscious mind.

I want to feel depressed because the more mindful I become the more I realize my non existance, it's sort of threatening me.