Being a male isn't enough to get a girlfriend

[Eric Tarpall]

9 minutes ago, Enizeo said:

You are not looking for help, you are looking for attention.

What makes you think that? I'm looking for new perspectives.

[petar8p]

20 hours ago, Eric Tarpall said:

As a male you have to look normal, act normal and own certain items in order to be percieved as attractive. You have to sacrifice your authenticity if you want a girlfriend. I'm not going to do that so I know for a fact that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Here's a list of things you need if you want a girlfriend:

• Smartphone. (I have one but I don't carry it with me)
• A car
• Normal clothing
• A job
• Your own apartment
• Friends
• Degrees / diplomas. (doesnt apply if you're young)
• Hobbies besides video games
• Drink alcohol
• Ex girlfriends
• Extroversion / talk a lot

I have an amazing girlfriend and I don't own a car, didn't have a job when I found her, don't have my own apartment, in fact I live at her place with her parents right now, I don't have a degree nor plan to finish college any time soon, I don't drink alcohol, I don't have ex girlfriend, I'm introverted quite a bit. Wtf are you talking about can I ask? Where did you pick up a belief that you have to own all these things to get a girlfriend?

[Hello from Russia]

Sorry to say it, but you're deluding yourself big time, none of this truly matters. Go study good dating advice and take action on it (!) and you'll see by direct experience that that is the case.

Also ask yourself: why the fuck do I need a girlfriend? - Killer life-changing question 

Edited December 5, 2018 by Hello from Russia

[Hansu]

There is plenty of women just waiting for a man like you to buy them airplane tickets and be your wife.

Its only like 2 weeks salary, and it might be that only their sex exceeds the standards you hold for your dream partner, but hey! If you think manhood is everything you should need then I think its fair trade. Manhood for womanhood, nothing more nothing less.

[Eric Tarpall]

23 hours ago, Shiva said:

If you are a non-mainstream person, but you want a mainstream girl, this will lead to problems.

I guess that's true. I have to give up on normie girls.

22 hours ago, XYZ said:

The greatest paradigm shift you can have is to stop viewing a girlfriend as a thing to be gotten. I don't believe in any such things as being single or coupled, they are a false duality, these are just concepts and imagination. 

I've had this insight too but my mind still thinks of girls as trophies. That will take some time to unwire.

[Eric Tarpall]

9 hours ago, petar8p said:

Where did you pick up a belief that you have to own all these things to get a girlfriend?

I don't remember honestly. But I'm open to changing my beliefs if there's evidence. Congrats with your girlfriend.

9 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

why the fuck do I need a girlfriend?

I don't need one. I just need to do the horizontal mamba.

8 hours ago, Hansu said:

There is plenty of women just waiting for a man like you to buy them airplane tickets and be your wife.

If I give her money for tickets she will probably use it to buy shoes haha. Have you seen that show catfish?

[Emerald]

It's honestly not that hard to get a girlfriend if you're being social and casting your net wide. And you really don't NEED all or ANY of those things on your list. Someone will be attracted to you... and not just one someone.

But you also have to understand that women have an intuitive way of becoming attracted to men based on the melting together of various traits including the context in which the man lives their life, and how she feels about a man as a whole person. This is core to choosing a good mate because biologically women can have (pretty much) only one child per year. And it will take a lot of her time to care for the child. So, if a man is lacking in resources, grit, drive, and staying power, then he will lack mass appeal since this was a death-sentence for mother and child in the oldest times of humanity.

And these are still concerns that are valid today. No one wants to have a child with someone who is unable to offer the proper support during that time. So, this is sort of woven in to women's natural sexual leanings. 

So, if I were on the hunt for a new partner, I wouldn't just consider individual traits or personality, I would also consider his work ethic, sense of direction, his job, and his living situation. And if a guy is significantly lacking in these areas, then it's a bit of red flag that he may not share my values and that our lifestyle choices wouldn't be congruent... or worse, that the dysfunction of his life will be invited into mine. I have to have a partner who is stable emotionally, financially, and otherwise.

And if a man didn't have these traits, I would be unlikely to get an organic attraction to him because it wouldn't seem like a viable relationship choice. When a woman invites a man into her life she is also risking inviting a lot of chaos if the man is a hot mess. I suppose the same goes for men who invite women into their lives in large degree.

And if a guy doesn't have the direction, drive, or ability to keep his own life stable and peaceful, then women who value stability and peace and all those other qualities are unlikely to look twice. And it won't even be a conscious decision, most of the time.

But the lucky thing for men is that these qualities can be cultivated. You just have to work hard at becoming a mature adult and having that stability. 

Since you don't have experience in relationships, I'll tell you that your partner is going to determine how your life goes. So, if you find a partner who is unstable, your life is going to be unstable. If you find a partner who is broke, unless you have enough money yourself to cover all the basics, you're always going to struggle for money. If you have a partner without drive, you'll have to reap the consequences of their laziness.

So, your partner will largely determine the quality of your life. I would wager that this is true, especially for women who date men, as men tend to gravitate more toward the dominant role in the relationship regardless of competence to lead. So, if you have a shitty captain, that's a dangerous ship to be on. 

So, your post tends to demonize women for having these standards as though it's a shallow thing. But for most women, it's just the outcome of the wisdom that comes along with going around the block a few times. And for most women, these are just practical concerns to avoid danger and dysfunction.

That said, there are plenty of "hot mess" women that are attracted primarily to "hot mess" guys. So, it's not like you can't find a girlfriend, if you don't have your life in order. Finding a gf will be easy if you just go out there and socialize. But the relationships you form will likely be very dysfunctional. 

So, I do recommend getting your life in order for a little while before trying to date. Once you even your life out and catch up, you'll be able to find better quality long-term partners. 

But if you're just looking for sex, none of that applies. So, you'll be able to get it really easily if you just put yourself out there in an effective way and your standards are reasonable. 

Edited December 5, 2018 by Emerald

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

Here's a list of things you need if you want a girlfriend:

• Attractive personality

Without it you will never ever get a girlfriend.

I'm one of those with shit personality who will never ever get a girlfriend. My biggest wish is to die.

You have a choice in how you express yourself. Personality is not fixed. 

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Men getting sex really easily?

I thought you would know better than that. Isn't it pretty much common knowledge that it's difficult for men to get sex?

But there's a few men who can fuck all the girls all day long because they make all girls dripping wet. But for the rest of the men it's difficult.

For women it's super easy as it comes looking for you. But for men, it's more difficult... but it's really not that difficult if you're willing to put yourself out there. At the end of the day, people like sex. This includes women. So, you just have to have realistic standards and you can find a woman to have a one-night-stand with no problem. It's a little more difficult to get a girlfriend... but not that much. 

You just have to actually swing the bat and get rid of these self-defeating narratives. Your self talk is delusion. Your idea of how difficult it is to get a girl to have sex with you is also delusion. Unplug from the rhetoric and just get out there. 

[Emerald]

22 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@Emerald Well, you are wrong.

There's a huge amount of men who do everything to get sex, (even just one night stands), and they never get it. I know this.

Half their lives revolves around trying to get sex, it's a whole lifestyle, but they never get it. They go to nightclubs/bars almost every weekend and always get rejected by the girls. And also swipe like obsessed on Tinder, etc. One guy gave me a tip on how to swipe all girls to the 'Like' side faster and more efficiently: swipe with both the index finger and middle finger (alternating between the fingers). Or was it thumb and index finger.. whatever.

I don't know why they keep doing it even though they never get sex. 

One guy who I know (just on internet though) finally admitted defeat (after many many years of hunting) and started to buy sex from prostitutes instead. And now recently he went to Thailand and bought sex from prostitutes there. But he managed to finally get sex from a non-prostitute there. But it was obviously a thai girl who likes all western men and mainly just want to get wealth and stuff from western men. 

And he's a super smart guy studying to engineer, and he's social, has friends, seems to be kind, has ok looks and goes to gym.

It's common that western men travel in hordes to Thailand for sex. And also if it's easy for men to get sex: why are there so many female prostitutes then? Why do women get raped? Why do men fuck sexdolls? Why are all internet sites FULL of men who are desperately searching for sex? For example go to www.omegle.com and see for yourself. (It's like that on all sites.) Etc.

And my uncle is rich, has ok looks, goes to gym, is social, has friends, is smart, and he has basically never had a girlfriend. Just one, as far as I know, and it didn't last long. I don't think he can get sex either but obviously I'm not certain about that.

Don't think I draw any conclusion from only those few examples, I know there's many more.

I've seen all kinds of guys get female attention. And these guys are at varying levels of attractiveness and unattractiveness. There are a ton of nerdy guys that I know who get girlfriends and get sex. So, I recognize that, when you're a man, it's a bit more challenging. But it's not so challenging that it will take more than a month (two months tops) if you really put yourself out there, and let go of the negative self-talk. 

It will be difficult if you come off as needy and clingy... as you probably do because of your mindset. That will intimidate women. But this is fixable. So, it may be the case that because you're in the mindset that you're in, that you repel women, which puts you more in the mindset that you're in, then you repel women, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I could see this happen and that being the 100% cause of your lack of success. There is no other reason than that.

Plus, if you actually were to drop this mindset, you wouldn't be able to self-flagellate about it, which would be a bummer for you. You really get your jollies from wallowing in self-pity.

But there is nothing inherently about you or anyone else that makes them un-datable. And all this victim's mentality, is just keeping you down. But you get too much out of it to ever let it go. So, you just gripe about things.

[Emerald]

6 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@Emerald You are wrong. You don't know me.

https://www.rooshv.com/an-epidemic-of-thirsty-men-is-making-it-harder-to-get-laid

"Sausage fests of three guys for every girl in clubs will be common in countries with developed economies." (That's a big understatement though. Currently there are at least 20 sausages for every girl).

So how am I supposed to have a chance when I'm sausage #21? I would have to be a greek God, which I'm not.

"Getting laid was never easy for men, but I’m afraid that because of the way world culture is headed, it will only get harder."

So, just let it go. Don't try anymore. It obviously only causes you suffering. And if you don't try, don't complain.

If you believe that you can't do it, Just accept that it will never happen for you and stop talking about it already. Move on.

[Emerald]

@Mikael89 If you're complaining then you haven't let it go. 

But here's the thing. You could make a connection with someone. Like I said, it's possible for everyone who puts themselves out there and has realistic standards.

Your problem is that you get more pleasure out of wallowing in self-pity than you would derive from actually having a woman be attracted to you. 

This is why it will never happen. Because if it happens, what will you be able to wallow about?

[Emerald]

31 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

@Emerald Makes no sense that I would rather be in hell than wallow in love from a woman.

I guess you are right that I haven't let it go if I complain. Although to some extent you triggered my complaining, or I mean.. maintained the complaining. But, yea, of course I can't blame it on others.

It makes no sense on the surface. But like I said, you get something out of the wallowing that you feel like you need. That's why most of your posts are you wallowing in self-pity. 

[Shadowraix]

You can set out to directly experience the wants and intents of all woman possible all your life and it would still be an incomplete analysis. Only enough to grasp a fraction of women.

[Eric Tarpall]

15 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Here's a list of things you need if you want a girlfriend:

• Attractive personality

Without it you will never ever get a girlfriend.

That's too vague. I like to narrow it down to specific things that you must do and have.

14 hours ago, Emerald said:

So, if I were on the hunt for a new partner, I wouldn't just consider individual traits or personality, I would also consider his work ethic, sense of direction, his job, and his living situation.

Yeah that's the difference between men and women. I don't care if a women has those things. I would actually prefer a woman who doesn't have a job & house so I can spend more time with her. And so I can feel like I have somethin to offer to her. If she has a job I feel like she doesn't need me. & it makes me feel worthless.

[Emerald]

19 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

Yeah that's the difference between men and women. I don't care if a women has those things. I would actually prefer a woman who doesn't have a job & house so I can spend more time with her. And so I can feel like I have somethin to offer to her. If she has a job I feel like she doesn't need me. & it makes me feel worthless.

You probably dislike the idea of a woman having a job and a house of her own since you want to lead. And because you don't have a lot of basic things lined up, it's not possible for you to do so in the majority of situations with the majority of women. So, if a woman has her s*** together, you feel intimidated and it mirrors an insecurity about your own life and your own feelings of inadequacy. 

A man who had his s*** together, wouldn't feel intimidated by a woman in this way. He already has his own thing going on. So, he doesn't derive his sense of self-worth from her. He's got lot's of other things.

So, this is the issue, and why a lot of women are probably not interested in you. You don't have a job or anything really going on for yourself right now. So, you want a woman to fulfill you and take the place of all that you lack, and you are needy. And so you're at risk for making a woman the center of your life, which is something women hate. It feels icky to be around a guy like this. So, women will sense this and if they're smart, they will steer clear. 

So, the solution is to develop yourself as a person. And become so highly developed that you don't need a woman to fulfill you. Then women will take notice of you because you have improved your character and built grit. But you have to get out of victim's mentality first and take action to improve yourself and your life. And belly-aching about how bad women are for wanting these things, is just keeping you stuck in it. 

Think about it this way, when you start to think women's way of attraction is unfair...

Maybe I think men shouldn't be attracted to appearance. But it doesn't matter... because men are attracted to appearance. So, I can be wise with this information, and if I'm looking to attract a guy to maximize my looks.

Maybe you think women shouldn't be attracted to a stable lifestyle and personal character. But it doesn't matter... because women generally are attracted to these things. So, if you are wise, you can max yourself out in these areas.

And be smart enough to see that you were dealt a great hand in this way, since there is no limit to how much you can build yourself and your life. And that women will like you based upon something malleable like lifestyle and character instead of something relatively fixed like appearance. 

[Eric Tarpall]

19 minutes ago, Emerald said:

if a woman has her s*** together, you feel intimidated and it mirrors an insecurity about your own life and your own feelings of inadequacy. 

I think it has nothing to do with being intimidated. It's a matter of preference. I prefer my girl to be like a pet. Not like a caged bird but like a dog that I take out for walks. But that does require me to have my shit together. That's true. But for most girls having your shit together is not enough. You also have to look & act normal. Which I'm not willing to do. 

[theking00]

I am 27 and i never had a girlfriend. also  I lost the motivation  to get a girlfriend.  

[Emerald]

15 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Don't you guys/girls ever think about why we even have these struggles? Why is there something instead of nothing? It makes no sense, I hope existence would implode and never reappear. But that will never ever happen

And why has God made the rules of the game like this? (That everything is a struggle and full of suffering.)

There is a reason, and that has a lot to do with negative self-talk and what you get out of it... probably to quell deep insecurities. 

But if you think you're some sort of social pariah that can never get a girlfriend, then it's simply distortional thinking. 

[Hansu]

18 hours ago, Emerald said:

You probably dislike the idea of a woman having a job and a house of her own since you want to lead. And because you don't have a lot of basic things lined up, it's not possible for you to do so in the majority of situations with the majority of women. So, if a woman has her s*** together, you feel intimidated and it mirrors an insecurity about your own life and your own feelings of inadequacy. 

A man who had his s*** together, wouldn't feel intimidated by a woman in this way. He already has his own thing going on. So, he doesn't derive his sense of self-worth from her. He's got lot's of other things.

So, this is the issue, and why a lot of women are probably not interested in you. You don't have a job or anything really going on for yourself right now. So, you want a woman to fulfill you and take the place of all that you lack, and you are needy. And so you're at risk for making a woman the center of your life, which is something women hate. It feels icky to be around a guy like this. So, women will sense this and if they're smart, they will steer clear. 

So, the solution is to develop yourself as a person. And become so highly developed that you don't need a woman to fulfill you. Then women will take notice of you because you have improved your character and built grit. But you have to get out of victim's mentality first and take action to improve yourself and your life. And belly-aching about how bad women are for wanting these things, is just keeping you stuck in it. 

Think about it this way, when you start to think women's way of attraction is unfair...

Maybe I think men shouldn't be attracted to appearance. But it doesn't matter... because men are attracted to appearance. So, I can be wise with this information, and if I'm looking to attract a guy to maximize my looks.

Maybe you think women shouldn't be attracted to a stable lifestyle and personal character. But it doesn't matter... because women generally are attracted to these things. So, if you are wise, you can max yourself out in these areas.

And be smart enough to see that you were dealt a great hand in this way, since there is no limit to how much you can build yourself and your life. And that women will like you based upon something malleable like lifestyle and character instead of something relatively fixed like appearance. 

Underappreciated post! Sums up perfectly the problem with many men who are seeking a girl only to fill a hole in their lives.