Does beauty really matter?

[eduardoe]

Hello guys.

I just broke up with my girlfriend. She is just amazing. We lived together for a couple of years and got along very well. I have never met anyone who matches me this way.

But it feels like something is missing in this relationship... maybe some desire.

I believe it has to do with her lack of physical beauty.

Now I am confused because I think we should not take it into account. I wonder if it's the Ego who wants a beautiful girl so bad.

[NoSelfSelf]

If shes not attractive to you then shes not amazing in your eyes thats just phantasy you created so you dont have to look for the amazing one

[eduardoe]

12 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

If shes not attractive to you then shes not amazing in your eyes thats just phantasy you created so you dont have to look for the amazing one

But should 't an amazing person be amazing, regardless of how she/he looks?

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, eduardoe said:

Does beauty really matter?

Beauty is irrelevant only if you've been with beautiful women before and seen that their beauty does not improve your relationship.

1 hour ago, eduardoe said:

Now I am confused because I think we should not take it into account.

Do not skip stages of development based on ideology/hearsay.
Your current relationship proved you wrong. Don't dismiss this experience.

1 hour ago, eduardoe said:

I wonder if it's the Ego who wants a beautiful girl so bad.

Do not scapegoat the ego. You suffer because of it, but instead of disowning it - learn from your mistakes.

[NoSelfSelf]

@eduardoe If shes amazing then you wouldnt care about her looks ...shes not amazing enough for you...if you care about looks like most of the guys you should find someone who has looks and its amazing person so there is no doubt...if she doesnt turn you on then its a problem..

Edited December 4, 2018 by NoSelfSelf

[Kloof]

Hm... You really broke up because of lack of desire? She was amazing and you were perfectly happy besides a lack of desire? 

Here's an idea. There are typically three stages of love: First lust, then attraction, then attachment. Usually lust and attraction last a couple of years, and when attraction wears off, you're left with attachment.

This is just one possibility to think about. She was you girlfriend, you were attracted to her (even if not by her physical appearance). Your body released a lot of hormones, like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin etc. Then, eventually those hormones wore off. There was nothing wrong with her, but something prevented you from bonding with her. The attachment phase came, but you weren't attached. 

Why didn't you become attached to her? Was it her appearance? Or was it something deeper? I don't know! Consider reading a couple relationship books, and getting back in the game.  

 

[eduardoe]

On ‎04‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 11:06 AM, tsuki said:

Beauty is irrelevant only if you've been with beautiful women before and seen that their beauty does not improve your relationship.

I have been with some beautiful girls before and maybe that's why I start to think beauty is not important. But it seems I don't have enough time or experience to truly absorb it.

 

On ‎04‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 11:06 AM, tsuki said:

Do not skip stages of development based on ideology/hearsay.

Your current relationship proved you wrong. Don't dismiss this experience.

Do not scapegoat the ego. You suffer because of it, but instead of disowning it - learn from your mistakes.

Thank you. That was an important insight for me.
Although I am confused and tempted to reconsider my decision, since I know it is a mistake, I will try to keep my decision and absorb this experience. 

 

[eduardoe]

23 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@eduardoe If shes amazing then you wouldnt care about her looks ...shes not amazing enough for you...if you care about looks like most of the guys you should find someone who has looks and its amazing person so there is no doubt...if she doesnt turn you on then its a problem..

The problem is that it feels wrong to do so. 

[eduardoe]

19 hours ago, Kloof said:

Hm... You really broke up because of lack of desire? She was amazing and you were perfectly happy besides a lack of desire? 

Idk. It Believe that was the only reason. Through my point of view it is the reason. But maybe I am wrong.

 

 

19 hours ago, Kloof said:

This is just one possibility to think about. She was you girlfriend, you were attracted to her (even if not by her physical appearance). Your body released a lot of hormones, like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin etc. Then, eventually those hormones wore off. There was nothing wrong with her, but something prevented you from bonding with her. The attachment phase came, but you weren't attached. 

Why didn't you become attached to her? Was it her appearance? Or was it something deeper? I don't know! Consider reading a couple relationship books, and getting back in the game.  
 

Hmm. That is also a interesting point of view. I haven't think about it. We have so much in common, that I believed I were bonded. But maybe there is something deeper preventing from bonding that I have absolutely no idea. I should investigate it. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@eduardoe i think its wrong to be with someone you dont desire...only if you trying to built skill which i think you dont...

[Eric Tarpall]

Beauty only matters if you want sex or show her off like a trophy. 

[Shadowraix]

On 12/4/2018 at 8:06 AM, tsuki said:

Beauty is irrelevant only if you've been with beautiful women before and seen that their beauty does not improve your relationship.

Unless you compare it with somebody you find extremely unattractive.

Ina generalized sense we desire beauty because it equates to healthiness and good genes

Edited December 6, 2018 by Shadowraix

[tsuki]

1 minute ago, Shadowraix said:

Unless you compare it with somebody you find extremely unattractive.

Ina generalized sense we desire beauty because it equates to healthiness and good genes

@Shadowraix You are responding to the prelude to further points that agree with what you are saying.

[Elysian]

I disagree with pretty much everything said so far except @NoSelfSelf.

When you are dating someone, the key difference between them and anyone else is that they are a person you have sexual interactions with (as long as we're talking about monogamy). Sex isn't related to love, not true, unconditional love. You can unconditionally love someone and have sex with them, or unconditionally love someone and not have sex with them. Sex is a healthy aspect of life, and even healthier when expressed with someone you love unconditionally.

But if you aren't sexually attracted to someone, why would you try to continue a sexual relationship with them? It makes absolutely no sense. Just because you don't want to have sex with someone doesn't mean you love them any less. If you truly love each other, and want to be in each other's lives, then you can still do so in a nonsexual way.

You can both satisfy your sexual needs with other people. To be authentic and true to yourself you must. If she can't handle you being in her life without having sex with her, that's emotional blockages she needs to deal with, and it's not your responsibility.

[purerogue]

I am sorry, but if you find person amazing  and like here, she will look beautiful in your eyes, all flaws will look like they are not actually a flaws, but  things  that makes her perfect. 

Edited December 6, 2018 by purerogue

[Aquarius]

If beauty matters to you, sure. Then it matters. 

[purerogue]

Just now, Aquarius said:

If beauty matters to you, sure. Then it matters. 

Haha, took me 2 sec to get where you are going with this, but so true.  

[Elysian]

7 hours ago, purerogue said:

I am sorry, but if you find person amazing  and like here, she will look beautiful in your eyes, all flaws will look like they are not actually a flaws, but  things  that makes her perfect. 

This is something different than sexual attraction. You're talking about unconditional love. You'd be recognizing her innate beauty, which is something different than sexual attractiveness. There are several levels you can connect with someone, but to have sex with someone you aren't sexually attracted to is inauthentic.

Explore the other avenues of connection with that person. If you love them unconditionally, you'll likely find that happens effortlessly. That is unless you have severe psychological issues that need to be addressed first.

[CreamCat]

Beauty is one among many indicators of good genes. Men are genetically hard-wired to be sexually attracted to beauty partially for that reason. If you want to pass down good genes to your children, beauty without cosmetic surgeries and make-up matters. At least, make sure your spouse doesn't have too many genetic mutations that will hinder your children from functioning as humans in a society. You probably don't want your children to carry more mutational load than you do.

Beauty doesn't necessarily improve relationship. But, genes that carry high IQ, high EQ, or beauty can help your children thrive.

Edited December 7, 2018 by CreamCat

[BKH]

Here's another level to go into if you want to leave ego behind...

That is, to observe what are the reasons behind thinking people are beautiful or ugly.. do these reasons actually have a real basis? What happens if we stop dividing in beautiful or not? What experience is left then?

in the words of Tao Te Ching:

Quote

 

When people see things as beautiful,
ugliness is created.
When people see things as good,
evil is created.

Being and non-being produce each other.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low oppose each other.
Fore and aft follow each other.

Therefore the Master
can act without doing anything
and teach without saying a word.
Things come her way and she does not stop them;
things leave and she lets them go.
She has without possessing,
and acts without any expectations.
When her work is done, she take no credit.
That is why it will last forever.

Translation from 1996 by J.H. McDonald