Inolving Myself With The Depths Of Life

[Salaam]

Man, I love being me. I love having so much passion for discovering the different sides of myself. I remember when I yearned for passion and drive and I'd work day after day, trying to create it from nothing. Feeling so drained and tired all the time, so frustrated and empty, even with each small step forward. It's been such a long, long road, but damn if I haven't traveled far!

I still take those same single small steps, but I've grown and my stride is longer, I cover more ground, and hold more precious, beautiful things close to my heart as I continue this journey. Feeling this glow and warm happiness in the center of me, because each day I face brings me even more intimately closer to the hidden mysteries of who I am. Being and becoming, both at the same time. Actually, Been, Being, and Becoming all at the same time, because I carry my past with me, as sure as I carry my potential and who I currently am. That trinity balance.

Anyways, let's dig into this weekend's awesomeness

Saturday was a day spent mostly dealing with Flow and Pressure Streams. I've had this feeling of a "wind" inside me that would surface for bits of time and then come back stronger, then fade, and then come back in March. I had it all day Saturday and was kind of "stuck" in it for most of the day, which got stressful after awhile, but I gained the ability to shift out of it when I wanted before the day was out, and now I have the ability to shift in and out whenever I want. I can slow it down, I can speed it up, and I can create a forward pressure or level of resistance to take on, that slows it down to imperceptibility. I always try take on some level of resistance (and traction) at all times, so I'm always involved with something and my pattern of being has a repulsive, rather than attractive chemistry with ennui or entropy type characteristics (they find no common ground to attach within the ecosystem of who I'm currently being).

So yea, that was found, felt, and faced.

I also reconnected with two more sides of myself, that added a new dimension of depth to my balance of masculinity and femininity. The first side is what I call "the Hunter" and he gives me the ability to hunt things with my intuition and instinct, plus an expanded level of solidity with my focus and identity, so I can make a choice with a lot of emotional content and not have my core focus collapse under the weight of the mixture of emotion within it. I'm not as distracted and de-railed by the stress, fear, doubt, or whatever that comes with making choices that require a lot of emotional and energetic pressure. Before, I would try to do something, and a particle of another emotion, would surface and send me off on a different tangent, or something similar. But, the hunting thing through instinct is awesome and it gives me a visceral connection with deep things inside me that my intellect can't do anything with (at the time). I think it's because these drives and desires are expressing at locations that preceded the structural formation of language, with different levels of pressure intensity, that would crumple the focus of an organization based structure of the mind. Maybe... either way, my mind can handle more and carry out expressions of my focus, that before would collapse in the attempt.

Edit: Ah, I can better handle the weight of deeper levels of authenticity. Expressing without flinching in the face of my honest emotions that arise from the expression of my intent. Which means my expression doesn't stutter and collapse, it instead breathes and creates change, movement, and influence.

So that was the masculine side I connected with and the feminine side I call "the Lady" and yea, that was pretty interesting. I had to face some residual male fears and hang-ups to connect with her and my femininity, but it was no biggie (yet, the details are something I don't feel all that comfortable sharing). She was really cool, because she taught me to GIVE to my pleasure instead of "trying to make it work" or "find a solution/answer" like my guy side would tend to try. She's teaching me generosity, but more than that, it's Authentic Generosity. Building things like trust, through pleasure and giving, rather than taking, consuming, or trying to achieve with pleasure. It's a subtle change, but it has a huge affect on who I am, changing the way I look at a woman, kiss, and do other things. A woman has to trust in your desire, in order to open fully. A man's desire can't just be some empty, hypocritical thing, fueled by what he's trying to prove to himself and what he's trying to "get". I understand sharing and giving on such a deep, visceral level now and truly see my sexuality as a gift I share with women, just like their own is a gift to me.

If it wasn't for the Lady and the Hunter I wouldn't have been able to achieve this next thing. I can now choose to give to my pleasure at such levels of intensity, that I feel straight up ecstasy and euphoria with every intake of breath. God, it felt soooooooooo good. Fuck, just bringing it to mind, makes the ecstasy come, ah man I love this emotional space. Just moving and being feels better and healthier/cleaner than any kind of drug I've ever taken. It's right up there, with the best euphoria I've ever felt in my life, when my energy awareness first bloomed inside of me years ago. It's maybe a slight notch or two down from that time, but less explosive and slightly less socially retarded (you feel too good to care about how you come across to people). Man, I chased being able to feel that pleasure for years and I'm finally capable enough to give my own self that level of pleasure whenever I want. Before, I would try with the wrong approach (which the lady fixed) and my intent would collapse (which the hunter fixed) and it would cause me so much pain. But now, I'm both strong enough and soft enough. Giving to myself, rather than looking to take from myself. No wonder it used to hurt so much!

Oh, and I also connected with another side of me this Monday morning, who I've felt off and on my whole life. I don't know how to describe him or his abilities yet, but he's "The One Who Faces Against It All Alone" and it's the side of myself I feel when I face seemingly insurmountable pressures with no one to turn to. It makes sense, that I'd connect with him more easily after integrating the Hunter and the Lady inside myself.

I love all the sides of who I am!

I'm developing an abundance of me

Edited April 12, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

What a week...

Choice, multi-dimensional pressure, balancing self-restraint and the taking on of challenge. Developing my touch with limitations, healing my health and allowing more freedom in the process. The difference between ignorance and mystery. Horror and pain and black liquid waves, streaming pleasure and healing from my pituitary. I'm so thankful for all I've found, felt, and faced in this past week.

I'm so deeply thankful for my "five rings". I've been working with Choice and Pressure for weeks and weeks now and I've developed a soft, incredibly nuanced balance where I am always subtly restraining myself to a certain degree and always facing challenge and taking on resistance. Restraining the pressure of what pulls me and resisting the pressure of what pushes me, so that in the middle of those two competing pressures is an eye in the storm, where I can choose as me, rather than as a reaction.

I had to gain that level of choice to balance out the pull of my capabilities and their growth. I'm getting so strong, so capable, that if I think and do what I do without restraint, it will wreck my body. So, instead of expansion, I embraced ignorance and learned the difference between it and mystery. To me mystery is when you touch your ignorance with your awareness, but for whatever reason choose not to dive in, leaving it a mystery. I had to embrace mystery, to balance out my expansion of capability so it wouldn't destroy my health. My mind automatically dives into stuff, but now I have a reason for ignorance and mystery, so it's not a flaw or burden, but a benefit, and a necessary aid for me to continue to survive.

I've gained such fantastic abilities... I fixed the sinus pressure in my nose instantly during the middle of the week by "stepping into the middle" of the pressure stream differentials going on there and somehow expanding a level down in depth within that space to some nested or embedded pressure stream ecosystem and applying my level of balance there. Doing so shifted the muscles in my nose, jaw, face, and upper palate giving me the ability to breathe again. Since then, I haven't had a problem even while dealing with the rest of this "sickness".

Then on Sunday I found this hot, weak, strange feeling heat in my body, that felt like sickness and I started to apply my 5 rings to it. Ugh, that day fucking sucked, with all the pressure and pain, but it created a major shift, that transmuted later into these black waves of horror and pleasure rippling out of me. I still feel it now, but it's muted, like a simmering of black streamers, rippling from my body. Some of the visions it gives me are probably fucking horrible by society standards, but they don't bother me that much and it feels like it's healing my body. From my past experience, I'm pretty sure this is a pituitary response, that although strange, is very healthy. One more reason why I don't focus on good or evil, but health.

Ha, it's so weird feeling these things without trying. If anything, I'm restraining them, so they don't burst out of me. I guess this is my "black" aura. It's fitting that it's that color, since black is not the absence of color, but instead the transposition of all three primary colors together.

Oh, and I've also gotten much stronger with healing other people. My wife and I put some major dents in healing her inflammation and her body is changing quite dramatically!

[Salaam]

I'm so thankful for my feminine side and all that it's taught me about giving and generosity. I've healed enough now from the burn of my efforts, to start allowing more of my capabilities to "breathe" and nourish me, so I can express myself in not so tightly a restrained way, and I can let more of my connections within myself activate.

Having that down-time and scarcity while healing was hard, but fruitful and now I can return to a more expanded level of abundance with a focus less driven by purely expanding myself and "figuring stuff out". Such a beautiful evolution to this pattern of my life.

I can feel these large gaps inside me, waiting to be filled by my generosity and I'm filled with hope and anticipation, rather than grit and trepidation. I mean, all I have to do is give a bit at a time and when I'm tired rest, then come back to it. My choices are more my own than ever before, and I've grown capable enough to balance all 5 rings at all times (for the most part). Or, I guess it'd be better to say I've got a natural feel now, for when one of my five rings are off and how to delegate my emotions and body to bringing them back in balance. I can handle the temporary scarcity, for further abundance. I know what's going on and what I need to do, because my foundations are so solid and strong.

Ha... when did I become so confident? I remember when confidence was something I never felt I'd have or ever understand. I wasn't even sure if it truly existed, but I get it now. For me, confidence is how I'm relating to my capabilities and their degree of internalization/trust inside me within a given context. I've built these capabilities, day after day, one small step at a time from nothing and they survive and breathe in both the harshest and most abundant of environments. And all the while, I balance my pride and humility, so I don't artificially inflate my rapport with my capabilities or artificially down-play them. Which I guess makes my confidence authentic... pretty cool.

God, I love giving to my positive emotions. If I want to celebrate more, I give to those feelings, if I want to feel more pleasure, passion, or goofiness I give and every part of me gives to that focus along-side me. Ha, fuck control. I'll take connection, harmony, and generosity backed up by years of hard work, tending to a garden of capability. I'm good friends with my body and my psyche now.

Anyways, lol, so yea those large gaps. I wonder what the hell I thought they were, before I shifted into who I currently am? Maybe, it was impossible to notice them before, because the pressure and way I would respond to them, would have been completely off? Not every tint of a lens captures every detail in a landscape. We have different perspectives for a reason. Oh well, I can feel them now and I will be filling them forever or till the next shift into whatever.

Oh and these black streamers, this aura or whatever radiating off of my body has changed into some other colors. So it's black, blue, green, and than like a kaleidoscope of rainbow colors. I have no idea what the hell it's doing though or what it means.

[Salaam]

I'm so thankful for all the new and strange territory I'm encountering with my work. There are so many deep things I'm feeling, it's hard to keep track and give each one the time and attention it needs...

Sooo, my friend turned me on to this term called Capacitance. According to wiki "Capacitance is the ability of a body to store an electrical charge... A common form is a parallel-plate capacitor, which consists of two conductive plates insulated from each other, usually sandwiching a dielectric material. In a parallel plate capacitor, capacitance is directly proportional to the surface area of the conductor plates and inversely proportional to the separation distance between the plates... Once a positive charge is put unto a conductor, this charge creates an electrical field, repelling any other positive charge to be moved onto the conductor; i.e., increasing the necessary voltage. But if nearby there is another conductor with a negative charge on it, the electrical field of the positive conductor repelling the second positive charge is weakened (the second positive charge also feels the attracting force of the negative charge). So due to the second conductor with a negative charge, it becomes easier to put a positive charge on the already positive charged first conductor, and vice versa; i.e., the necessary voltage is lowered."

The above things hold seeds on exactly how I work with Tension energy. It's amazing reading shit about electricity and capacitors and recognizing some of the same things I do. I found an MIT journal on capacitance I'm looking forward to reading. Grounding this stuff some more with objective mirrors helps me shift some ideas and my body's already orienting itself and stressing me with new changes and upgrades related to the above. Hopefully, I'll be able to translate the changes into something coherent by the end of the week.

Anyways, that's a huge thing I really have no idea how to describe to people just yet. It won't be after I get it sorted that I'll be able to link it with reference approximates to help bridge the gaps in experience and properly share anything on it. Plus, I've got other stuff to balance, like these black streamers that are still healing me, that now are allowing me access to other aura type stuff. I was dancing in the shower to music like I often do, and all of a sudden a wave of liquid gold washed over my awareness and covered everything in this golden glow. It was super nice and now when I allow those black streamers to ripple off my body, it often shifts to gold. The whole "everything turning gold thing" doesn't happen often, and I sure don't force it, but I'm fine just giving what I can in the moment. I bet there is a version with my black streamers, where everything turns inky black.

I'm really learning that forward motion, does not necessarily equal forward progress. More and more my deep level internalizations/beliefs are shifting away from linear predilections to multi-dimensionality. I'm not surprised really, since I have so many different parts of me I'm managing beside my mind or organizational/narrating system. I've got that system, I've got my digestive system which gives me my gut-level instinct, I've got my immune-system which hooks me into soothing health related sensations, I've got the whatever the hell system that gives me flow, my pituitary that gives me darkness, and a bunch of other ones, like the awesome one that is responsible for my generosity, which I'm sure is also responsible for this golden glow thingy.

Lol, so much awesome stuff that I can't even properly explain. Oh, I've also gained the ability to slow down my perception of time on demand. I do it by exponentially increasing the amount of detail I'm processing and connecting with via tension. I can't slow it down too far though, because it stresses the fuck out of my heart when I do so. This is a similar MOA to how boxers and baseball players gain the ability to have their perceptions of things slow down, but their adaptation is incremental over many years of training, rather than attempting such a large shift over the course of a minute of focus.

Ha, apparently if I rush into slowing time down, it could kill me... that's kind of ironic.  

[Salaam]

Well, I was going to write something, but fuck it, I'm writing this instead.

"I hated being stuck. One of my deepest core values has always been freedom, but underneath even that was the fear and suffering that came from not having the ability to change what was happening to me. Being stuck in a feeling, in a situation, or with a person, or problem that I couldn't change and make better. Attraction and repulsion, drawn to being free, but more often pushed to get away from being stuck."

I wrote that a couple weeks back, toyed with putting it in my book in some way. Probably still will...

I've gained a shit load of new abilities, my touch with tension, probably less than a handful of people in the whole world have that level of capability. But, whoop-dee-doo who gives a shit, I still get stuck and then have to fight and give and think and calm and take responsibility without knowing for sure if I'm gonna get out of this thing. Yet, every time I do and with each turn of this particular coil I face harder and harder shit, with stronger and stronger capabilities.

Fucking scarcity. You teach me so much and remind me of how hard it truly is to build in such an environment. But, fuck I'm getting damn good in your environment of shit. I'm not just a mind anymore, trying to think my way out. I'm not just a guy whose deeply in touch with his feelings and facets. I'm both those things, plus a magnetic motherfucker who can hold and harmonize polarities, before they collapse and snap in the direction of either attraction or repulsion.

Sooo, when I fuck up in some way and end up in that scarcity cage, I can light but a fraction of feeling in the center of the emptiness in my chest and hold it and build it. Spreading it out slowly from my chest, to my arms, down my legs, up my neck, and over my head. Supplanting the emptiness in my chest in the same fucking way it would creep in. Those energies take us over a bit at a time. till we're stuck in those feelings, but I can do the same thing in the same systematic way. My body and my feelings and my directions are mine. If I don't like it, I can fucking change it, consciously, at will, and handle the cost. I beat depression that way years ago and I've beat many other things since...

Ha... okay, phew I love calm, directed anger. Anger is the feeling we have when we want things to change and it's a great motivator, even if it's a little taxing. It gave me a platform though to change the charge in my chest from "emptiness" bleh to back as myself, but strained and now I'm calm, but worn, and happy. Yay, it's amazing how I can palpably shift myself across such a wide spectrum of emotional charges. Now, I'm just letting the muscles in my butt shift from side to side as I swing around in my chair, letting the happy feelings spread out from there to the rest of my being. It's much easier to do when the charge in my center is not all fuckedeedoo and having a negative chemistry. I feel like Optimus Prime with an "All Spark" thingy in the center of my chest, it's so weird having electro-magnetic sensitivities and awareness. The way I see human beings, is definitely not the way I saw them even a couple years ago.

But, anyways I can see how I ended up with that empty kind of charge in the first place now. I got a little too overzealous with my desire to work with my new tension abilities and the balance between restrain/resist slipped and started becoming repressive, creating a disconnection to things. This is a game of millimeters and the slightest shift out of balance can be a slippery slope and cascade of inner fuckitude.

Ah well, I'm awesome, yet deeply humbled because of these things I face.

At least now, I know I gotta pay attention to the flavor of my charge. Ahh, that's interesting I can feel how a thought and it's feelings impacts or changes the flavor of my charge. Fuck, I've got so many different things to keep track of and manage. Thankfully, they internalize, compress, and centralize into connective nexus feels for the most part, but still, it's hard doing three things at the same time all the time. But, at least when I slip, which seems to happen not just when I make a mistake, but as a systematic affect of one of my three foundations changing, I can at least right the ship so to speak.

I've gotta slow down my thinking even more. I've gotta keep nurturing these new sides of me that are growing and starting to breathe, now that I'm not chained by incapability and more importantly, now that I know how to give and be generous to myself. Thankfully, I don't need to prove to myself that I "know" what and how I'm doing what I'm doing in order to do it. I'm not chained to just that analytical side of myself. It's like... not having to go over in your head how to put every piece of a car together, every single time you press on the gas.

I love mystery.

Ah, the way I feel now, compared to when I first started writing this. Mmmm, I'm so fucking good at change.

[Yukise99]

Just wanted to congratulate and give you encouragement on your journey, keep up the good work! 

[Salaam]

On 4/30/2016 at 3:56 PM, Yukise99 said:

Just wanted to congratulate and give you encouragement on your journey, keep up the good work! 

Thank you! I appreciate it and wish you the best in your journey :-)

[Salaam]

Dang, it's been a week already?

Man, I am so grateful for richness and understanding how to protect it, from hasty choices. My life is so different from just the week before. This change has been a loooooong time coming, but I finally found the balance between depth and imagination.

As a kid imagination was all I had, but because I didn't know any better I thought it was getting in the way of things and it was something to get rid of in favor of "the truth" and the "real world". So I did and turned to science hard, till I bumped up against experiences science couldn't explain. So, with my imagination failing me and science failing me, I took up the burden again with my own mind and my own senses. Working and working, expanding my senses till I could feel and see as deep inside me as I could. So deep, it hurt and started draining me, till I could finally realize that knowledge alone wasn't enough, not when it grayed you out and robbed you of color.

So I started creating systems of balance to help me find the parts I was neglecting and get back my color. My capability circuit and my "five rings". I thought it would take me years more work to get here, but nope, I understand now how to have my feet so grounded they take root, but my wings spread so wide they caress the sky.

My vision has expanded, balanced and harmonized. I express it by drawing 5 arrows. An up arrow for imagination/subjectivity, a down arrow for depth/objectivity, a left arrow for the past, a right arrow for the future, and a diagonal arrow for mixtures and different frames of view (lateral vision).

I'm not just stuck on the down arrow, processing understandings like a machine, over and over again. I can dynamically balance both depth and imagination to stride the line my level of energy affords me to manifest what I create in my mind into physical reality. People may not see it this way, but to me, the quantum level is the universe's imagination. Things are so incredibly microscopic that they don't seem to play by the expected laws of the universe. It's chaos there. But what people don't realize is that chaos/motion/energy and order/form/matter share a space where they transfer and inter-mingle and I can feel that dividing line. Matter is not as solid as people make it out to be and energy is not necessarily as ephemeral as people make it out to be.

As a matter of fact, matter and people are quite porous and energy flows quite easily through us. I can feel how my presence penetrates others and how other people penetrate me with their awareness. It's strange, ha, and in some ways kind of creepy even. But, I won't talk too much about that.

Back to richness. I can feel the difference between a rich choice and a gray one and my dedication towards richness is changing what I can and can't do. Old patterns of automatic behavior, no longer holding the allure they once did. I find it hard to write like I once did, the level of analyticism failing me, because I feel deep in my bones where such an indulgence will take me. Instead, I choose a harder path and struggle and grow, so new patters form that adhere to the standards of richness I set for myself. A harmony of both color and structure.

I watch everyday, the choices I make and stop and revise when I feel the color fading as I move forward. I have to, because the slope is so subtle and so slippery. A gray choice indulged distorts the ability for my senses to differentiate how it runs counter to the color in my soul. I can't allow those negative adaptions to take place, so I stay committed in my care. I work to slow down, restraining when I just want to move forward without a care... but I can't I care too much to settle for less of who I am.

I've made promises to free and connect with every single bit of who I am and I won't leave me behind.

God my body loves this too. I've got this constant, cool, refreshing feeling coming from my digestive system for over 2 days now and I've been connecting with some pretty amazing fucking things inside of me. It's so much easier to balance all the things I'm feeling now and it's like every day the world adds on something awesome to me. All the things I've deeply wanted and have been afraid I'd never have are coming to me. I know there is insane level pain and stress and brutality out in the universe, but I'm okay with that. The thing that really sapped at my soul was something else, I can't even put into words, but thankfully, my body is showing and literally telling me that finally, I'll never have to worry about those fears again.

I still got all the other shit to deal with and it can still crush me without a thought of course. But, my soul fears are unexpectedly being soothed away.

I can't even describe what that means to me.

[Salaam]

So, the whole richness thing is analogous to the difference between cooking on broil and cooking in a crock pot. Quick, high heat, not much flavor for the first and slow, rich, and tender for the second.

People probably aren't aware of this, but when we do make choices, they are typically high heat, snap decisions. But, now I can slow down the ignition of my choices and can feel when that richness isn't being cooked out. So stress and other daily influences that would make me "high heat" choose a direction, get restrained against now, and my choices and consequently directions stay rich.

However, I realized yesterday that I was fusing with richness and forgetting to also balance polarities at the same time, so now I'm working to blend both actions together, so basically I can richly hold contrast and nuance. Over time, it'll internalize and become automatic.

Also, with who I am now, my foundations and what I focus on is the following trinity.

Chaos/Motion/Dynamics/Subjectivity/Color
Order/Form/Structure/Objectivity/Barriers
Tension/Connection/Chemistry/Electromagnetism/Polarity and Nuance

I can capably cross between the ephemeral and solid at the ranges I can handle and deal with the shifts in their dynamic and how they affect my reality and abilities at the time. And I can also handle and hold the polarities that occur with every shift, so the nuance isn't lost.

Of course saying this doesn't mean I'm perfect at it. I'm just saying I have the abilities and skills. Now it's just a matter of becoming really fucking good with them. I'm like a supremely capable beginner.

Oh, and I connected with a new level of darkness last night. The real darkness, that is the strength of desire pressurized against the most extreme of scarcities. I get darkness so much more now, it's slowly giving me access to all the memories connected to pain that I blocked out when growing up.

Death doesn't exist (it's a concept predicated on limitations of sensitivity and other ignorance), but scarcity does and there are depths of scarcity people's minds can't even really grasp and comprehend. Scary doesn't even begin to describe it and I'm saying that as someone who isn't capable enough to reach far enough to see how deep it goes. I'm glad I can't, because I'm not at a place where I can handle it. Maybe a 100 years from now I'll be able to, but... I don't envy that me, with that knowledge.

Ha, wow I actually touched both extreme ranges of scarcity and abundance yesterday (extreme as in relative to my current abilities). Funnily enough, my access to wells of pleasure is more intensely guarded by my body, than access to scarcity, darkness, and desire. It makes sense to me though, I ache for pleasure, and lack the self-restraint to handle the levels being guarded from me. I'm so fucking glad I didn't try to fight that guard. Instead, I'll learn and be patient. Take it a millimeter at a time.

[Salaam]

I change and grow so much. I can't even track it all any more and I feel less compunction to do so, now that my intero and exteroception are being held in parallel.

Let's see... I gained a deeper level of self-respect for myself, balancing the allure and influence I feel from things, with my ability to make and see-through choices. This gave me access to what feels like a core nexus or nucleus inside me, which some might call a soul. It's traction or groundedness is much, much stronger than my mind. It's like a multi-faceted gyroscope, sitting in the core of me, reverberating with energy, much like the core of the earth does.

Finding that, then paved the way for me to have deeper access to my heart or humanity, which I'm deeply, deeply grateful for. I now have a much, much stronger connection and balance with my mind, heart, body, and soul/nucleus. I can tap into my heart whenever I want and create warmth for myself and drink from all the care I've been pouring into things for years and years. 

I've also now gained a capable level of balance with my body's chemical influences, electromagnetic polarities, and pneumatic pressures. My friend helped me out big time with the chemical wash, that initializes every time we are stimulated or shift our focus. I spent a whole day tracking it and feeling out the threshold level changes that would occur when my body initialized emotions, so that I can tangibly feel the sensation of building by-products in conjunction with my feelings, including both the positive by-product and the waste build-up. This has given me such a new level of stability, because I can track now how excitation, certainty, arrogance, delusion, aggression, and all the other emotions create build-up that then has to be processed out by the liver and kidneys. 

When it's not processed out correctly, this build-up changes the emotions and perceptions of a person, overloading their system and in the long-term creating an environment wired and receptive to the waste build-up primarily responsible for assholery, delusion, and arrogance. I'm thankful that I've developed the pacing, sensitivity, and self-restraint to be able to feel and wait out these spikes, as they process out, so I can see the nuance and context in things, making me a clearer, more grounded, and vibrant individual. It's pretty cool how much healthier all this is making me. It's definitely one of the most precious capabilities I've uncovered and implement in this past year. I'm thankful for all the progress I've made that's even allowed me to reach such a point.

Every moment and experience I have is not just about savoring and not just about balancing. It is also foundationally about how it's adding on to the moment and history of moments before. Each moment a building block, if allowed to set and the waste to drain and process. This is such an important personal sentiment. Everything I choose adds to who I am and I put in the effort to reflect on how that choice truly adds and changes me. These things I create and embody are not just a catalog of my achievements, but bricks in the building of who I am. I remember all those times as a kid when I ached for the strength I have now. I am BEYOND my own imagination. I can't even fully conceive of the impact of that belief. In so many ways, I'm still blind to all that I've become. The extraordinary is all so normal to me now. It's not a dream, but a reality with all the very real responsibilities that come with it. It's all good though, I don't need all that build-up from the excitation, I used to think such a realization would cause me. 

Anyways, another super cool thing, is that I finally got my internal sight and external sight to run at the same time in parallel. I was watching a video of the sun's solar flares (see below) and it made me realize that it's flow pattern was similar to that of the ocean tide, in that the different directions roll over each other in parallel, while still being distinct. Balancing each other and creating space with contrasting gravitational pressures. It's a similar model for what I've been using to differentiate awareness in relationships and other triangulations, but turned on it's side. So, now I've got the ability to balance chaos and order (at my current level), within every pole which gives me a swirling feeling at all times, not unlike the video of the sun. Constant motion, but grounded and deep, so build-up is much more streamlined, because ignitions are smoother (not starting from a dead stop or whatever), but the speed is anchored and coherent, so I don't suffer from diffusion and constant polarity spikes.  Finally, I've broken free from standard human one-dimensionality (tunnel-vision) and it's opposite scatter-brained incoherency, to a blending and harmonizing of the best of both worlds as this dynamic, new, evolution of how I express and live. 

Shit's nice. I've unlocked a lot of new potential for me. But, I'm taking my time. Uncover new ground, patiently process the wash, carve out the context and nuance, add that nuance to who I am and how it changes me, and then take all that new context with me into the next revolution of my pattern.

It's like one of my favorite pictures. I'll post it below.

Do you see how it spirals upwards and outwards? Each petal like a capacitor plate, connected not separate, but not so fused as to be indistinct, movement still allowed, dynamic activity still there. Then each layer or ring of petals becomes a system-level capacitor which holds tension with it's adjacent outer (and inner) ring.

I love this picture. Even the scars get carried along with each successive ring of the pattern. Scars we carry with us, our history, as we become more. Showing that the end goal is not to erase who were, but to breathe and flourish as who we are. Every petal having a place in the song and light that shines from the center, contributing to the expressions of ourselves, that float like star-dust into existence from in between our edges and layers.

 

 

Edited May 16, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

Been working on watching and managing the chemical build-up that arises from the ignition and cascade of emotions. Like the hydrogen peroxide that builds-up during oxidative stress, or basically when the mitochondria in our cells get to working and breathing harder. It's kind of crazy that my inner sensitivities are so on point that I can isolate and track such a build-up in my blood stream across varying points in my body.

On Saturday, it was my main focus and I was able to keep myself extremely calm and slow the whole day, so I could track the ignition, build-up, and processing that removes the build-up. Watching as my emotions would cause a rise and noticing a threshold, that when crossed caused another response and cascade, in addition to whatever else I was focused on. This let me know that there are inputs and additions to my feelings that come purely from crossing these thresholds, which in turn influence whatever I'm thinking about. This is important because, I could be thinking about something stressful, like working on a fear or making a stressful choice, and have my focus influenced and maybe derailed, purely from the accumulation of wasteful build-up beyond a certain threshold. Normal people would never know the difference because they're moving way too fast and always operating with some sort of build-up in the body.

After working and getting that first threshold down pat and seeing how much it added to my health and energy, I then felt ready to push the envelope a little bit and see how things played out on the second threshold level. I found that this threshold was highly dynamic and changed based on the chemistry between emotion and by-product as it crossed that first tier, plus whatever new emotion was being added to it, and also the speed of ignition.

I'm gaining gears for myself (and my mitochondria), 1st Gear, 2nd Gear, 3rd Gear, etc. and each gear has a dynamic and contextually inter-dependent ratio of emotional activity to build-up of by-product, which lets me know that eventually I'll be able to have 1st Gear, build-up levels with 3rd or eventually 6th gear emotional speeds.

What helps a lot with this work is having the capability to switch between interoception (focused inward) and exterocpetion (focused outward) at will, as well as balancing both at the same time. So I can create higher speed emotions, while still remaining aware, calm, and self-restrained. Plus, the initial ignition from a "dead-stop" is greater than an ignition from previous momentum. So the eventual aim is to have emotional speed moving like a gentle wind, while keeping my passive build-up at or below first gear levels, and then working on carving out greater capabilities of efficiency and processing for my emotional systems, liver, and kidneys (for smoother accelerations).

In the long-run this will not only make me a more capable person, but it will also slow my aging process. It's also having a major impact in the foods I choose to eat, because I can feel the build-up and affect they have on me immediately.

Here's a link I just found that talks a bit about mitochondria and aging. I just scanned through it real quick, nothing too thorough, but it's kind of interesting that their trying to do research to figure out ways to balance things exactly how I'm naturally doing for myself.

http://www.ellisonfoundation.org/research/mitochondrial-damage

"He and his colleagues are studying 32 lines of genetically-defined young, middle-aged and old mice. It’s a rich resource that should allow them to follow any genetic factors involved in natural DNA repair, and try to learn how the errors may impact the aging process, as well as the diseases related to aging.

Also, because declining energy seems to be deeply involved in the aging process, Tina M. Iverson – at Vanderbilt University – is examining the delicate balance that exists between getting enough energy and avoiding the damage done by energy production in the mitochondria.

Thus Iverson’s team is looking into the molecular basis for the formation of ROS (reactive oxygen species) that are known to damage the DNA, proteins and membranes inside living cells. The goal, of course, is to identify novel treatments that will improve the aging process, helping people live longer and healthier lives."

[Salaam]

I'm so grateful for understanding and being able to feel how things inside me build-up and need to be processed with every emotion that comes along with the choices I make. It shows me that every choice has a consequence inside me, that all of my cells and organs feel and have to deal with.

This understanding tacks on beautifully with my choice to add to my life and build, rather than replace and consume and wallow in a wasteland. I can't just discard what I'm feeling and try to summon euphoria from the mundane. My body is not a drug to relieve me of my responsibilities.

No, I see the mundane and add on to it, I nurture it. Sheltering and giving it space so that when I shift and add to it, the build-up and speed doesn't stress my body and cause unhealthy cascades. Small, subtle steps of addition. That is my focus. That is what my story is centered around.

If I feel deep pain from my past, I add a bridge to it, that connects that pain to my motivation for building a better future. If the world feels gray and blah, I add fractions of color and appreciation to myself, because it's not the world that's gray, it's my view projected onto the world. If the allure of things distracts me from my heart and soul, I create and add a shunt, that redirects that attraction to a commitment to the richness of my heart and soul and sense of self-respect. Every interaction I have is an opportunity to add a little something that makes it more (or less if I fail).

My waves of change are small, but they are mine and I will involve myself fully.

Everything I do adds on and extends to this story of who I am. I feel it and tap deep into all I used to be and ache for and how I've built a me that is far beyond my past imagination. It's the best way I've found to naturally roll appreciation, positivity, gratitude, desire, and gratification all into one constant practice.

I don't run away from my feelings or try to "take back" their consequences, I give them space to process, but with a pace and care and calm that aims to keep all the rest of me in harmony while doing so. I work to not lose my focus or over-reach, because I'm grounded in the realities that come with being responsible for all that I am.

I'm proud and thankful for who I'm building myself to be. One moment at a time.

[Natasha]

@Salaam That Looping Rain on the Sun video was very cool 

[Salaam]

14 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Salaam That Looping Rain on the Sun video was very cool 

Thanks

[Salaam]

I remember when I first had a deep, deeeep major shift in my life, where I felt like I had finally made it out of hell. It wasn't a single moment, but still a palpable change that grows clearer in hindsight. I was so angry and in so much pain, but I was through it and holding onto something precious, that survived when other things broke down.

There is a name for that place that I shifted out of. But, it doesn't matter. We all have our own names and feelings for it, especially once we find our way out into something else.

Then there was the second shift , where the other, hidden side of my self exploded out of me and my view of the world and energy was forever changed. I could never go back and never forget, my foundation ripped apart to make way for something new, that felt like magic, but soon became a passion with many, many years of toil, triumph, ignorance, ecstasy, and pain.

My soul was carved out of those efforts. They still are almost 5 years later.

It's taking me almost 5 years, working every single day to get where I am now. There was not a single day, where I did nothing. I couldn't. I had to keep going in order to survive the heat, and the pain, the veils of doubt dragging me back, and all the other challenges that arose as I lived in this landscape I can't really explain all that well to people who don't burn like I burn on the inside.

I guess it's a birth-right, but not a title. I've suffered so much not giving it up.

God I love the way this pain feels. It feels like love to me...

And now, the third shift.

I made it out of hell on the first. Found something worth fighting and building for on the second. And the third, is about all that I've built standing on it's feet and striding through this world as something new and more than I ever could have hoped for. I thought this life would be a cage for me, stuck in a place that never felt enough or quite right. But no...

I don't doubt who I am now or all that I can do. All my efforts have created something spectacular within me and it lives and breathes with it's own style and it's own pattern that I built from days upon days piled up of not knowing what the fuck I was doing, but fighting and building all the same. No one can take it away from me or prove it false, because it is more than an idea. It is alive and mine and me.

I am the culmination of sentiment and soul, grit, focus, and care.

I am balance and always more.

I've evolved.

Yayies