Inolving Myself With The Depths Of Life

[Salaam]

What are we here for in this life? I've long since stopped looking for someone to give me an answer and instead created my own. I think we all have to in order to expand our degree of self-actualization.

I live for a lot of things, but in order to realize those things and make what could potentially be, live and breathe inside me, I have to at my most deepest levels, involve myself with every aspect of my nature.

I involve myself, not for an answer, nor a prize, or an achievement, or a title. I involve myself because I care.

I care, so I involve myself in life by nurturing, sheltering, and fostering the things I care for. And after years this has developed into my personal code.

And in order to live by that code, I have to grow and in order to grow I have to take care of my Health, Capability, Choice, Expression, and Connections.

This journal will be my day to day accounting of how I care for these things. How I live for them and give to them. Each day of dedication another drop into this ever growing pool of passion for a life fully realized.

I hope those who take the time to share in my journey get something from it and I wish you all the best in your own

(I've been keeping a journal on my own, so I'll post up my stuff since last month, to get this started.)

[Salaam]

2/23/2016

God I love and am so thankful for my Growth Circuit.

How can you discover a potential change if you're not aware of it or sensitive to it? How far can potential take you if you can't trust it? How well can you internalize a group of sensitivities if they're not coherent and able to create a story to build upon? What good is the story if it's rapport's are off, if it's chemistry is adversarial and in conflict? How far can you take a story if it can't flow and dance? How can you share it if you can't simplify it? What good is simplification if it get's so simple it becomes one-dimensional and it's connections collapse? How can you even build any story, or create any change of length, if you are not resilient enough to handle the pressures of it's development? If you haven't given yourself the authority to choose to do so?

Interweaved above are elements in my circuit and I just soak in their beauty and how they all mutually rely upon and support each other like a family. It's so clear to me how one suffers when the other is undeveloped or neglected and I'm thankful that I've been blessed with the opportunity to recognize them all and develop a deep connection with them. Feeling out each one and finding the Goldilocks Zone within this family of elements, where each one works in harmony and synergy with each other.

Everyday I learn and grow with one and all of the elements, each little step of development in a single branch also nourishing the roots of the whole tree. Changing who I am, the way that I think, and my overall position in the universe. Fuck, position of contrast is such a powerful and potent understanding to internalize! It's my newest of growths and I can vividly recall when the understanding flowed through my brain last night and I was moved to press two fingers to my third eye and soak in the position I'd taken of internalizing all that incoming communication/energy. Now it's a complete part of me and another lens through which I see the world at all times.

Anyways, that stuff about position won't make much sense to people... but position is like the difference in position between feeling that "where you are now is worse than where you were before" versus "thinking where you are now is better than before". That is an example of a change in position. The difference in position of things getting better versus things getting worse. Or another common one, is people who suffer over their past versus people who appreciate their past and how it motivates their future potential and anticipation of pleasure. Each one has a different set of contrasts and consequently a different energetic positioning. I now have the ability to feel and change my position on a deep internal level. I even have influence over the Meta meta position, or the position I'm taking to change the position of the position I'm currently in. Lol, shit's super cool and I appreciate it deeply.

Welp, that's enough mind fuckery for me today.

[Salaam]

3/02/16

I have so much to be grateful for, I change and build so much it's hard to keep track.

-I'm grateful for the first time I can remember, feeling an automatic flowing of memories. Memories flowing one after another, outside of my direct control that although they were of jail and prison, it was a momentous experience. Remembering my past has been a struggle for me, for over 20 years and it was such a strange experience to have them opening and streaming, one after another for a reason I have yet to fathom. It sucks that they were mostly stressful and traumatizing, but I'm still thankful, because it gives me a read on the increasing capability of my flow and my memory. Hopefully, more pleasant memories will rise and bloom over time, in the same way these memories did last night.

-I'm thankful for my continued development in the element of Resiliency/Traction. It gives me the ability to absorb stress at higher and higher levels without losing my position giving me the "grip" or Traction I need to deal with where I'm at, while not collapsing or slipping into lower levels of capability. This is super helpful, because I can recognize the general patterns of my growth and the cycle between days that are easy or hard. I can also hold myself during the hard days and map out what is going on with my elements. Which includes tracking how my traction changes on those days and what is affecting it.

-I'm super, super thankful for another shift in my Pacing. There are few things that palpably change my reality as a shift in Pacing and it's always such a gift to experience. Especially in the first couple days, where the contrast is still fresh and I'm extra sensitive to the change. I could feel what I call "undercurrents" those first couple days, which are things that *may* only come about at certain slower, deeper paces, kind of like how you only feel a certain shift when you take a full deep inhale. I don't know, it's strange, but something I'm sure will come up again as the pattern turns and does it's thing.

Pacing is super important because it determines the space each feeling has available to "breathe". Allowing for deeper and deeper inhales/exhales of feeling and communication, while also allowing space for each feel to have a crest and a fade, so the switch from one feel to another is smooth and coherent. Messed up pacing used to cause all sorts of anguish... think about it like this, the earth has a certain pace and direction at which it revolves around the sun in orbit. Imagine what would happen to life on the planet if you suddenly sped up the pace of it's revolutions, and how it would affect gravity, time, magnetic fields, pressure differentials, etc. All those things are ALSO being affected on a much smaller scale within the eco-system of yourself with your pacing. That incessant chitter chatter of your mind that people tend to have is a representation of both the faster pace of humans and the shallower "breaths" of their emotions and sensations.

I'm thankful to have not only healed the damage I've done to my pacing, but developed a level of deeper feeling that is having me brush against the edges of new realms of experience & awareness. These "breaths" are connected with the time pockets I've talked about before and I'm starting to understand what these undercurrents may be as they reveal themselves within these depths.

-I'm also thankful to have not had a heart attack from those power surges, I've been feeling almost every night. I guess two or three nights ago, I felt those surges with my new pacing and it felt like each surge was pulling me inside out. I'm so thankful to have a Wife like I do, who holds space for me as I go through these things and even though it scares and pains her, she gives me the peace to work my way through them. They just kept coming and coming, and I can't even describe the experience, except for saying it's like something rushing through your being and as it rushes through it pulls you inside out, but without major pain, just stress, and pleasure, and pressure. Luckily, my body could handle the inversions (I guess that's what they were) and I didn't get hurt in the process.

-I'm also thankful for a deeper understanding of Order and Chaos. I understand how Chaos affects me in the morning and can act as an eraser, through high speed pacing and incoherency. I also have a much better understanding of how Order works with it's boundaries and limitations and how to stretch and bend those barriers, circumventing them in ways I couldn't before. Speaking of which, my body apparently likes making random hand gestures like those cats from that show "The Magicians" on Syfy. I get what they are, just automatic creations of expression, vessels to contain the energy of whatever my body is trying to communicate. But, it's still weird and not something I try to do all that conspicuously around other people.

-Man I'm fucking grateful for the expansion of my Vision and Perspective. I feel like I have added tiers available now for me to plug into and use to craft my overall strategies for the future. One real big blocking point for me here, was that I was trying to be way to precise with my visualizations, which was drying up my flow, like kinking up a water-hose. I've realized that you have to include and balance both Mystery and Ignorance with Potential. In other words, you have to leave room for what you can't conceive of yet within your focus (the mystery) and the things your so unaware of, it's not even in your focus (ignorance). These two create space with a focus on Potential and eases the conditions your mind feels it must adhere to, in order to spin the vision. Wonder about your future, don't try to make it an exact picture.

-Speaking of Mystery and Ignorance, I'm also very thankful for a Positive Rapport with the two. I heard a song over the weekend that had a chorus that went "I have faith, that I am more, than I believe". And it hit me, that I can look forward to all the amazing things that will happen to me, that I can't even conceive of. It creates this broad feeling of positive anticipation and is such a nice rapport to cultivate and foster, and then add on to my normal practice of Visualizing Potential.

-I'm thankful for the continued expansion of my understanding of Self-Reference vs Validation/Confirmation and the experience that comes with building such a large and deep body of self-referential experiences that gives me the level of Self-authority I have. While also working on my resiliency, so I have the traction to keep my position in the face of pressures that come from not having confirmation or validation from others on pursuits I have (the stress of "not knowing" or "needing an answer"). For a lot of the things I experience, there is nowhere for me to go to get confirmation that what I'm doing is "right" or "correct". No book, no authority, other than myself and the feedback of nature to reassure or confirm for me that I'm doing the "right" thing. In the past such experiences were traumatizing, but it's something I've grown to handle and be thankful for as the contrast between what I've built vs what society has built to hand to me in lieu of self-reference has softened. There is shelter living under the shadow of others ideas and understandings, but it is also a cage, that can keep you from building a world of understanding for yourself. This is why I hardly ever search or seek within books anymore. I learn and grow from direct experience and have enough of those experiences inside me, to cross-reference and develop. Actually, I rarely even feel the feeling of "I don't know what to do" or "how do I do this".

-I'm also thankful for learning how to contrast different levels of resiliency. For instance I have a very high resilience for being alone, but a relatively low resilience for the... failings of other people. In the past this would make me quick to cut people off from my life and prone to being distant from others, but now I know how to absorb the pressures of other people being disappointing shits, and not become an asshole myself in the process. It's nice and has helped me find an important opportunity for responsibility when it comes to liking other people. It also helps me bridge the pros and cons of spending so much of my life being self-sufficient, without expecting others to be the same in order to "be tolerable".

-I'm sure I'm forgetting some more things, but oh well. Writing all this out, helped me pass the time under all this pressure I'm feeling and actually helped shift it some. Today's one of those hard days. But, much less shitty that my cycles of past hard days!

Edited April 10, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

3/03/16

I'm grateful for contrasts and the ability I have with dimensionality, to balance those contrasts so that they work together in harmony, expanding my capabilities. For instance, everyone's talking about Abundance, and rightfully so because it's awesome, but Scarcity can be pretty awesome too. I appreciate the hell out of Scarcity.

I find that when you harmonize them together you get the best of both worlds. That 3-D shared space goodness. And what that looks like is the ability to carry the best of both worlds at all times, no matter what position on the spectrum of Scarcity or Abundance you currently are in. From Scarcity, I have the trust and capability to build from the smallest fraction of a fraction and the understanding that there is no Zero. I can build from .00001 of my potential back up to 10000.00001 and beyond. And because of Abundance I know what that 10000.00001 looks and feels like. What it feels like to be filled and satisfied enough to look outside myself to those around me and to find satisfaction in giving and sharing my capability.

I'm always in both scarcity and abundance, because I am like a tree with many branches, grown fertile and heavy with fruit, but at the same time holding potential branches that are just a hint of a seed, that will eventually grow to the same size as their brothers and sisters. It's being both Master and Beginner at the same time. Being both the seed and the fruit, the crest and fade of a wave, because I am many waves, at many different points of time and space.

Abundance alone is like "forgetting where you came from" but Scarcity alone is like "forgetting where you CAN eventually be". But together, when even under the pressure and stress of Scarcity you still act and treat people and yourself as if you were filled. In other words, even under pressure and strain, your generosity and care remains. You don't sacrifice things like your character for relief from the pressure. It's like there is no amount of money that would have me sacrifice my character, because there is no amount of economic pressure that would have me make such a choice for relief. I have traction and I can face those pressures without slipping into incapability of spirit. I trust in myself to build in the harshest of environments, and in my capability to lead up to the resiliency I need to face even harsher ones.

And when in the softness and the sunshine, I don't forget or become blind to the stress and humility of building. I don't grow weak and fearful of returning to such a task or try to deny the dark in my efforts to be all light and always right. I don't fall into the traps of delusion and wishful thinking, that makes those who do struggle feel like you are out of touch with the world. I don't fall into that bubble of false shelter and choke the health of my capability for Resiliency and Traction. No we remain grounded, and our empathy does not get blunted and dull, for our hands are as much in the dirt of our roots, as in the sky and sunlight of our fruits.

Scarcity and Abundance are environments like the desert and the tundra and we can be aware of the challenges in both, face those challenges, and adapt to create in that shared space a person who can handle the comforts and numbness of abundance, while also handling the stress and rawness of scarcity. Fuck, the adaptability of humans can be amazing!

Lol, I was supposed to write about something else. I think I still will.

[Salaam]

3/06/16

I'm starting to see pressure as the baseline for stress that then crosses a threshold into pain and then if lost traction against beyond a certain point, becomes suffering. Eventually I'll be able to keep most pressure from erupting into stress and rarely if ever breaking past the point of pain into suffering (I hope and if I don't do dumb stuff). I rarely suffer now and I'm adapting so my pains are downgrading into stress and my stress downgrading into pressure and my pressures downgrading into normal. Then my normal upgrades into pleasure and my pleasure upgrades into ecstasy. My training at life, bearing fruits. Now I get why my friend calls it being a life athlete. Damn, I'm so thankful for seeing even more of how the world really works and the deep impact it's having on my life. And I'm thankful for the potential it allows me to imagine for my life. Ways open now for honestly earned greater enjoyment. Growing into pleasures I've yet to imagine...

Edit: However there were be different tiers of pressure/pain varying in intensity, but most normative upper level pressures will become negligible eventually. The spectrum just gets wider. Things that would crush me now will one day be manageable, but in that one day there will still be things I face that would crush me.

[Salaam]

3/08/16

Ah man, so much change and growth to be grateful for. It's like grains of sand running through my hands, but each grain is a jewel I want to take the time to appreciate and keep a space for in my story. So here are the cool things I love and appreciate so much, that have been my experiences and understanding over the past 5 days or so.

-I'm thankful for the shift I had in my understanding of trust so that now I truly get the place nature has for Validation and Confirmation. People often misrepresent Validation as some bad or egoic thing, but it has a purpose. Validation is in a way the "energetic food" of our beliefs or things we've trusted and internalized. There are many flavors of validation and degrees of quality, as well as internal vs external validation, but they all in some way strengthen the position a belief/internalization has in a person or weaken/sever bonds and position if they invalidate a belief. Some times we have traumatic internalizations that have been pierced into us by dark times and even after leaving such an environment it can take months or even years for those beliefs to starve from invalidation and fade away (while better beliefs are internalized and nurtured to eventually replace them). I'm thankful for a deeper understanding of that whole process and how it will aid me in helping others heal.

-I'm grateful for the strange struggle I woke up to Saturday morning, where my usual ways of doing things with energy and my mind were facing resistance and I was filled with this strange feeling of a presence clearly different from me, inside myself. After a bit of struggle and balancing with it, so it didn't swallow me and instead bridged with me, I came to understand that I was brushing up against the very "nexus" of my intuition or automation system. It's so nice to feel it so distinctly and have it help me with things, but I still have a lot to do when it comes to trusting it and respecting it's place in me. After that day, his presence hasn't been as palpable, but I have a strong idea of the position we'll eventually be in after I straighten some things out.

-Friday was Trust, Saturday was Flow, and Sunday was Resiliency/Traction under pressure. I'm thankful for being able to spend most of the whole day working on my ability to maintain traction with Pressure and how doing so modifies the change of such pressure as it increases into stress, pain, and suffering. Strengthening my Traction gave me the ability to keep things that would be pain or stress from getting past the point of pressure and I spent much of the day with bands of tightness all over my body. I'd often stop and do nothing and hold traction against the automatic pressure my body would create to propel me forward to do something, working on what I call "back-end pressure" which is pressure pushing us forward that is responsible for the push of motivation and desire and "front-end pressure" which is the pressure pushing us backwards, like resistance and frustration. With this ability I have much more understanding of pressure as a force of nature and can maintain position to greater degrees of pressure and have some say in how it blooms and shifts. Oh, it's also great for social pressures and the weight of attention and push of attraction.

-I'm thankful for the contrast between this past Monday and the many Monday's before it, that were similar. On these types of Monday's I usually feel so burnt out in my head and tired from not enough sleep, with pressure making it hard for me to do or think much beyond what I could passively put in front of me. However, because of the work I did the day before I was soooo much stronger and capable in dealing with that pressure. I was able to make more progress in diagnosing my hard days and how pressure works as a mechanism of nature. Honestly, my hard day wasn't all that terribly hard at all, more stressful than painful and that shifted much quicker than normal, (by 11AM and I'd been up since 6AM with 4-1/2 hours of sleep).

What was super cool about yesterday though is that I had some interesting upgrades that are kind of crazy to talk about. My Rapport had an upgrade that taught me about the individual Conatus/Direction energies can have and how to share that space and direction as we connect. This gave me the ability to quest outward into the aether and... "find" energies and ride with them, creating feelings that build and build. I have to be careful with this though, because it can have adverse affects on my body, causing allergic reactions, that luckily I can heal with more soothing energies (it tripped out my wife, seeing this red inflamed skin, change and soothe in seconds). I'm creating conditions using Order flavored energy that cordon off more harmful energies, so hopefully that limits the scope of the pool I'm drawing from, so I don't hurt myself.

Also, I can feeeeel, the energetic bonds that occur between the things that make up physical reality and I can feel them so strongly that it becomes a part of my base-line awareness and I the feel energy between the flakes of skin in my hand, the striations of my eyes, in between threads on a pillow or grains of wood. Eventually it's gonna grow to become an automatic fully conscious awareness, which should be fun or fucking annoying/distracting, but we'll see. At least it feels good and it makes moving feel soooo good. Plus, it makes me so much more capable when giving massages and doing energy work. My hands turn muscles into supple butter, because of the affect I have on the bonds between them and that's only gonna deepen as I continue to grow.

Ah cool, there is a lot more cool stuff externally I'll be able to do with this new awareness. I should eventually be able to extend my awareness out beyond my body through reading the changes in bond contrast in the air around me (how it's bonds change as they interact with whatever they come into contact with). There are quite a few things my Potential is showing me I should eventually be able to do, which is awesome for me, because I used to have such trouble visualizing that and now it comes unbidden. I should be able to see in more nuanced light spectrum's as well (eventually). Anyways...

-Oh I'm also super thankful for understanding the difference between Dermal and Sub-dermal layers and what that means for "Masks" and authenticity. I've gained some small ability with healing sickness in myself by creating a soothing energy in my sub-dermal layer and that's lead me to a greater understanding of layers and their mirror with regard to authenticity. People commonly consider the outer layer we show the world to be a "mask" or "armor" we hide behind. I know I did and rarely used my outer layer, just staying open, because I couldn't see past the negative connotations I'd associated with that layer. But, now I understand that it has a better purpose than that and it's an opportunity for diversification of feels, play, nuanced communication, and yes protection, but the lying and mask stuff doesn't have to be what it's used for. It's pretty cool and something I'll be exploring and understanding further. Right now I just use my sub-dermal layer to run undercurrents of pleasure and soothing energy, while keeping normal, pleasant social emotions on my face. It's cool because I'm actually honestly feeling all those at once, but choosing what I communicate to other people, while containing most of the rest. It's something I'm still working on and figuring out, but it'll settle in, in time.

 

[Salaam]

3/11/16

I'm so thankful for humanity and love. I knew I would be going through a challenging part of my pattern a couple days ago and it hasn't disappointed. Yesterday, was a return of one my hardest personal issues, where a shroud covers my heart and I can hardly feel anything, except for that energy as it spreads electrostatic numbness, pressure, and fatigue. It's the next evolution of my scar, from spending so much of my life alone and emotionally distant from people. The energized form of being closed off...

For most of the day, my heart was more sensitive than usual as a close friend of my Wife got some bad news about a medical issue, which hit me hard, sticking with me for most of the day and then later my intuition pushed me to read an account from a woman on Quora about what turned her into a sociopath which broke my heart and made me feel like I could one day help them heal from that... and also maybe this shroud I deal with might be associated with what turns empathy off for those kinds of people. God, I could feel and see each trauma she had to deal with, the blood dripping, the broken bodies, and even worse the damage being done inside her.

Anyways, some time after getting home from work, things flip-flopped and I was dealing with the shroud again, but this time I was much stronger in keeping it at bay and curbing it's affect on me (so thankful for traction and resiliency and my understandings of pressure). However, I still couldn't manage to lift the thing, even when trying my new ability from yesterday which allows me to move and change energy just with body positioning (like tilting my head back to relieve energy pressure, or swirling my fingers to find a feel and then having it attach to my finger and trail and change as I would move it). It was kind of funny, kind of awesome, how I could hold this thing that used to fuck me up so badly and try different things from my energy toolkit, while also keeping a close eye on doing it all calmly.

I've been shying away from strength and force after discarding power for capability, and focusing on flow and creativity, but not yesterday and I'm thankful for it. In the past, I would try to burn through this shroud, so yesterday I tried again and it was nice to ease back the restraint I've been having on myself for months and let myself burn, but in a more confident and controlled way. I say burn, because the internal force I create makes my skin hot and my passion and ferocity ignites making me growl in my weird way.

It didn't lift the shroud, like I wanted, but it did quarantine it some and give me a little more space to think and feel as I gained some dominance over it's force. It made me realize that strength was still a capability to be balanced with my other elements and I was unnecessarily dismissing it along with power, when to me power is more a feeling that comes with capability, rather than an actual ability in and of itself. A flavor of rapport to be balanced and grounded.

So anyways, after that I turned to humanity and trust and connection... the things I'm weakest at. I followed the lines of connection that gives me an energetic version of empathy (hard to explain) and read it to tell me the directions my wife had in her, which grounded and showed my aching, scarred heart that it was "safe" here. I could feel myself, so hesitant and afraid, and knew that this was what it was like for me growing up, not being able to allow anyone into this part of my heart, because no one around me was equipped to see it properly... Fuck, realizing that makes me want to cry. This part of me had been alone for so long and it was this scared, lonely part of me, that hesitantly asked for his wife to put her hand on my heart.

And this amazing, beautiful woman, without a second thought put her hand there and flowed love into me and I sobbed. Feeling the lift and release of long held pain and distrust, that was underneath this shroud I've carried for so long. Just a little sob, but so deep and as it released, so to did the shroud lift and I was free once more, but changed. Less alone than I've ever been and deeper in love with this Goddess Woman than I've ever been. Understanding deeply now, that no matter how capable I become, some things can't be handled alone and that is where Humanity and Love will always have places they can reach that strength and smarts alone never can.

I'm so thankful to have a Wife who teaches me how to shelter and nurture myself, by the way she shelters and nurtures me. Thank you my love.

[Salaam]

3/16/16

I am so grateful for no longer being blind to all the pride I'm carrying inside me. I didn't realize how it was drying me up and choking out my natural, joyful curiosity and sense of intrigue. It was also creating a distance from my own growth process, diluting it, because it made the growth about something else, more a justification or condition, than about my life.

God, I felt like I got more of my voice back after I started processing it. I could feel it's burning heat course through me and my voice to myself that I consider "me" changed, down-shifting like treble to bass and calming, softening, in very slight but deep ways, if that makes sense.

When I was young, it seems my pride in my intelligence, my ability to figure things out, was all I felt I had. It's what I leaned on in so much of my life and drank from, when I didn't have other things to nurture me. For so long, I've been operating under this desire to understand the foundation of the whole universe and while I've been succeeding in spectacular ways, it's not enough. I wanted to be so good at figuring things out, that I eventually grew to figure out, that I chose such a path because it was the only road I could see at the time. The only thing that didn't immediately remind me of how much I felt I sucked at everything else.

I had to get behind that desire, to the person hurting underneath, who chose this way to protect himself and what little trust he had in his own capability. That kid was doing the best he could, but I can help him do better now. I can help him, be him, and do things for the reasons he would choose if nature wasn't fucking with him. The barriers he felt then, I've surpassed now, deficiencies have grown into strengths and my why, my deep, deep, indescribable why of what I do, can grow and be more than a spire, built in reaction to pain and deprivation.

How much of our motivation is a reaction to pain and pressure and things out of reach? How do we balance and bridge that part with the other facets of our nature, so they work in harmony together? So that, we can become more than the branches made from a single choice in our past and get closer to our trunk and roots? The way I see it now, is that I'm letting humility shoulder some of the burden, my pride has been carrying all these years. I give the stunted things behind my pride, the chance to blink their eyes in pain to the sunlight and adapt and grow and stand on their own. So they can play. So they can breathe and add their notes to the song that is my voice and my presence.

I'm fucking tired of the edges of my pride cutting into me and my joy. I'm capable enough to softly take the incredible pain life has and not use pride to shield and shadow me. It's why I dance and laugh so much more now, making up stupid songs as I go, or jump up and down like a little kid on Christmas when I wake up on Saturday mornings. I will choose that every day over pain cloaked in sophistry and the pride of knowing. My brittleness is being burned and pressurized out of me. I feel it's etching on my insides, running me ragged, taking me to the edges of my fragility and I'm so glad, no matter how much it feels like it sucks at the time.

There are parts of me that suck, that burn and hurt, and need to be untwisted and turned around. I will go to those places. I won't leave them alone. There will be no doors in this house of who I am, where ghosts of me in my past, sit alone, crying in the dark. I will be there and if I can't handle the heat behind that door, I will wait and play just outside so he can hear till my hand can handle the pain and turn the knob.

I promise.

[Salaam]

3/16/16

We have many songs to sing and it is so beautiful to me that each string added, does not over-shadow the one it came from before. This change is not a way of replacing one for the other, but like the universe itself, the pressure of life gives birth to new and the space of all expands and grows to accommodate.

I chose in the past year or so, to add, not replace. That everything has a space and place where it can breathe and be. If I need more space, more earth, more air, I will create it so every part of me, from pain to beauty has a home. That is the beauty of the instrument we can be. We are not limited to just a few, we just have a lot of growing to do, to get to the point where we can handle and grasp how deep our song can truly be sung.

Fine tuning each string, so the note it plays can better compliment it's brothers and sisters, creating a harmony where in that space, more strings can be discovered. The vibrations of ourselves coming into tune, awakening more of the potential hidden in our roots, so more branches can be coaxed to grow and try to stand and feel the light of day.

We call out to the world around us, just as much as we call to ourselves. Expressing the depths of who we are and how we feel, becoming and being, both at the same time. Growing and bleeding, burning and breathing, as alive in the fires of our passion as we can stand. Involved in the deepest of ways with the brutal beauty that is nature. Awakening ourselves to ourselves like infants crying out from birth.

[Salaam]

3/17/16

Today, I am grateful for perspective and how it adds detail to the pages of my personal story. I see now how I've been working at my latest shift for the past year. When I first became deeply aware of what I called "gray feels" and how I worked with the way I treated and saw things, to develop my Rapport with the world. I saw my analyticism for the over-development it was, and piece by piece diversified the other elements I needed to grow, so they would support me and create a deeper change.

I see the painful days, one after another filled with the stress of growth. How angry and in pain I was during December, when I was processing the growth of Trust and feeling like my insides were being ripped apart. All the work and resiliency it took to bridge the scarcity and pain in my past with the potential and abundance of my present and future. How I gained the ability of Traction and a deeper understanding of pressure and how it's involved with propelling all the feelings we experience, from desire and pleasure to stress and pain. I remember connecting with my pituitary gland and all the darkness in me it showed, letting me know that all the worst nightmares I've ever had were nothing compared to the violence I could create. Handling that, both the fear and the euphoria that came with it, seeing the mark in my eyes, like a scar that came from such a connection, then just forgetting about it, because it's just another side of me, to be returned to later, when that part of my pattern comes back around.

God, to think I even understand and can predict the revolutions of my own personal pattern! That's been only a thing for the past couple months, but I'm so thankful for the view. I'm so thankful for Balance... for Nuanced Balance with my adoption of the Goldilocks Zone and how it keeps me on track and always looking for ways to include room for every part of me at the table, no matter how dark or painful, or beautiful and human.

Every element of Capability I'm aware of, I worked on and grew with, every single day in these past months. All that work and change and pain and amazing pleasure, culminating in this small, but deep and subtle shift. I knew there would be this shift, I couldn't picture it or even imagine what it would feel like, but I knew if I kept going it would come. There is no stopping in me, this is as intrinsic to who I am as breathing, but I am thankful to have the perspective that comes from making it to the other side.

I understand anchors now, because of how deep I've gone. What they mean for our identity and also what it means for the types of realities and capabilities one can experience. I understand on such a deep meta level, beyond thoughts and feelings, who I am and how I'm changing. I know how dangerous such a level of meta can be and I respect that some things I just can't tell people about, because it's too dangerous until they've grown to face the change for themselves. Things must be grown to support certain types of change and the environments they place us in, and in those spaces "knowing" what to do is not enough. Knowledge without the capability to do anything with it, seen clearly now as a folly of pride.

Anyways, I finally get Energy Plumes! Plumes? Blooms? Fuck, I'm not sure what to call it, but it's when energy would bloom and erupt out of me. I first felt them years ago in Costa Rica and it was the most euphoric of sensations ever. I chased that feeling for a year straight trying to get it back, only now, years later to have a better perspective on what they are and how their flavor changes depending on the reality/space I'm in. I get them everyday now, usually at night and while they've never felt as great as that one day (because I've yet to re-experience that particular reality, but I'm getting closer!) they always feel amazing (even when sometimes it looks and feels like their killing me) and have so much left to show me. I'm glad I don't try to mess with them anymore or artificially create them, so that I can see how their a natural expression of life. Now, I just savor them when they come and try to make sure the realities I cultivate are nurturing and harmonious with their eruptions inside me. Ah that was nice, I just had one. It's amazing the depth and shallowness each one can manifest, each plume or eruption like a special little snowflake of an experience. Maybe it's like abundant energy spilling over and out of me? There's another one, I love internalizing and breathing in when it runs through me. God I remember, chasing these damn things, trying to figure out how to make them "go".

Ahhhhh... lol, now I finally get some other things, I've been trying to understand for years. Whatevs, I've been talking enough as it is.

I'm thankful for not giving up!!!

[Salaam]

3/21/16

I'm so thankful for not just understanding, but finally being able to apply balance to my Pride and Humility so they work in harmony, together at the same time. It's changed my experience of life and myself in such a subtle, but dramatic way (I'm like a fighter jet with my growth, just a small shift of the throttle, creates big changes in direction).

I see how pride protects me and props me up, in the face of pain and doubt, but I also see how it can shroud my perception and distort my ability to process and understand life when under stress. I see how humility, can ease the "puffing up" that shrouds understanding when my pride reacts to my pain, opening me to more sensitivity and internalization, but I also see how Humility can distort things, deflating my gratification in self-achievement and the proper internalization of my growing capability.

Basically, the pros and cons of pride and humility manifest depending on the chemistry you have with both characteristics and I can balance this chemistry with my energetic proprioception so a "charge" is created that bonds them in harmony and healthy connection. I can then feel the health of that bond and when it's chemistry shifts out of balance, towards either too much pride or humility I can take the necessary action to re-calibrate. For the more secular who have trouble believing such things, this is the same way covalent bonds work, like two hydrogen atoms sharing an electron pair. I'm balancing the charge of attractive and repulsive forces, but instead of between atoms, it's the chemistry between pride and humility.

What's awesome is this small shift in harmony and health between these two facets not only enhances my rapport, but also creates a cascade through my other capabilities. I can trust my own feelings more and internalize them deeper because my pride doesn't shroud them and my humility doesn't doubt them in the improper contexts. I can feel both my authentic pleasure and pain longer, because my past imbalance is no longer there to cut them off "mid-breath" with some form of invalidation. Both of these then also contribute over time to building a better me, with higher quality feelings and experiences changing my story and enhancing my potential as well as my reflections on my past and the beliefs tied to them.

When I was in the shower over the weekend, I remember feeling like I had faced so much that every single letter in every single alphabet had been carved into the skin of my soul and as I sobbed with that wound I also felt so happy and close to my pain, because I could finally express and feel it, without questioning whether I was being too prideful or dramatic in that moment. I could trust it and internalize it deeper, without invalidating it and even in the midst of that pain I felt so much more free and more me than ever before. And with that experience, so too has my pleasure gone and it feels amazing, to basically just exist with a greater clarity in the connection with my own feelings and reactions.

[Salaam]

3/23/16

I'm so thankful to see in a new light, the deep ache I felt when my wife got up from bed this morning, and her skin stopped being pressed against mine. Since I've balanced my pride and humility, I'm way more sensitive and accurate, but also way more vulnerable. I don't puff up and let my pride protect me as much with it's shroud, so things penetrate me more.

It's a challenge to adapt to, but it's also great. It's so ironic, the early part of my life carried such themes of creating armor to push away and distance myself from all my pain and now I deeply appreciate and in some cases love the feeling. I love it, because I know what it means and how it balances things in concert with pleasure and the pressure behind it. So I pay attention to it and celebrate it when it comes, holding on to it, nurturing it, visualizing in my mind all the ways it benefits me, my body right along with me, feeling as I see. Creating further potentialities for what it means and what is to come from it's direction.

Anyways, this ache is badass for me, because I can drink it in and bridge it with it's twin, the pleasure of desire, which is going to majorly upgrade the health of my desires as a whole. Ha, I mean relative to normal considerations, my passion and desire is already monstrous, but it's going to be something special soon. Like putting a jet engine in a taxi cab or something.

Buddha is such a coward... I don't know, I'm hoping everything I've read about his view so far has been horribly misinterpreted, but from what I've read it's clear to me there is very little understanding of pressure dynamics and how contrast mediates feeling.

Just like an engine creates pressure and combustion inside itself to propel forward, so too do humans. The rub though, is that we're organic and can feel the combustion going on inside us, the pressure, which is stressful and often painful. I've developed to have and handle a shit load of pressure and have magnitudes more to adapt to still in front of me. Is it going to hurt? Of course it is, it's going to shred and flay me, but I don't mind (right now at least).

That's the cool thing about growth, one thing develops and another ability also crops up to help counterbalance it, so the whole system can continue to develop in harmony. You don't just run away from life, you face the fire and adapt to it, just like whatever thing faced the stress of leaving the sea to come onto land and eventually adapt and evolve to become a human.

Now that thing was fucking badass. I salute you swamp thing. I'd read your book if you had like opposable thumbs and shit and pencils and paper to write stuff on.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

3/24/16

I love and am so thankful for my pressure resiliency. I don't sleep as much as I used to, well lately anyway. I've been getting around 4-5 hours for the past 2 months or so? I'm tired, but there is very little pain or bleh suffering involved with it. Plus, it doesn't leave me inactive and vulnerable to Absynse because I keep the pressure and flow going on in my body from dipping below certain levels. Absysne, by the way is a word I created to describe when your passivity due to pain/stress/fatigue reaches a point where you're bored doing nothing, but have no motivation/energy to do anything.

I feel so healthy and happy. So many bleh type patterns are shifting out of my system. Plus my tension abilities are increasing, including my ability to read and translate their feels. Yayies, I love being good at life :-)

I love you, Universe. Mwah!

3/24/16

God I love nature. I'm so thankful for butterflies and slow motion videos. I've been watching the flapping of butterfly wings to learn about patterns of pacing and harmony. Watching the contrast between the left and right wing and the torsion in both. Feeling it and letting it resonate and mirror in my body, while reading the tension involved and how the contrasts change position.

When looking up butterfly's I also stumbled across a concept called the Butterfly Effect. I've already heard of it before, but I hadn't realized that I've been living it's concept.

A couple days ago I wrote on here that "I'm like a fighter jet with my growth, just a small shift of the throttle, creates big changes in direction." and that's exactly what the Butterfly Effect is.

People use it for weather patterns in the world, so why not for energetic patterns in my body?

 

Edited April 9, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

3/25/16

I should be sooooooooo tired. I don't know if I slept at all last night and I probably had like 3 hours of sleep the night before. But, thankfully I feel fine. I feel a fragility around my edges and I know I need to be extra careful with the stuff I do, so I don't miss things, but I'm pretty damn happy. I'm thankful to have this resiliency because my wife is processing stuff herself and it's coming across as a bronchitis like deal with it's symptoms, but the doctor's tests showed nothing. It's so strange, but either they suck or it's energetic, because you can hear it in her chest when she coughs. My baby's been miserable, but thankfully I've got the capability to be there for her and to give her happies and kisses and just bathe her in love and support.

It's hard... growing up and people being assholes to you when you grow through stuff (not just go through, but grow through, there's a difference). They try to blame you and make you feel like a burden, or like you're being dramatic or "too sensitive". I hate when people did that shit to me and I'm thankful that I can be a mirror reflecting a new reality to trust and believe in, when it comes to her experiences. As soon as the old patterns rear their head, I want to be there, smiling and shining love and telling her its okay and I'm here for her. That I understand and share in what you're going through and I will be there for whatever you need.

I love that I can be a shelter and a strength for those I love, even when I'm under stress.

Thankfully, I don't have to do much at work today. Phew... blueberry, buga buga, leroy jones (makes no sense, but makes me laugh when I sing it. Plus my wife thinks it's adorable).

Anyways, some other developments to be thankful for.

For a couple seconds the night before I was able to split my mind into three different layers, but as soon as I realized what I was doing and tried to use it, the thing got wonky and kind of shivered and collapsed. Lol, I almost forgot it had happened, but thankfully I didn't and put it in my notes to return to later. Maybe a month from now, maybe years, who knows. No biggie.

My flow has upgraded as well, I've got like a "wind" inside of me that flows and flows. I've felt it before, but it's different now and it isn't stopping. Has me kind of feeling like I can't "stop and think" anymore, but instead adapt to a new, more flowy way of thinking. It's cool though and it's giving me new abilities or new ways of doing things. But, it's kind of hard, trusting and doing new things, when I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but yet I get it done anyways, create a foothold and get to building. Sometimes the wind doesn't stop, but it calms and I am filled with this strange "moving stillness" which I imagine is what it feels like to be in the eye of a storm and it's so calm and amazing, while still so tense and rich and filled with hidden things. Shit came out of nowhere.

What else? I also rediscovered my unconditional heroic soul. That was cool. Super glad for that... ugh too much structural understanding can make you over-emphasize objective reality to the point you kind of crowd out some other things. My spirit is soooooo fucking strong. It's the one thing I've always had, no matter my level of development. Hmmm, maybe it's not so much that I lost it, but I've reached a more intimate connection with it? It definitely feels more mature. Eh, there's probably a shit load of context I'm missing on this one, but I'll feel it out as I live.

Oh there was some other stuff... but whatevs though.

Oh! I do my own kind of energetic rehab yoga movements to fix my body and I think I made some great progress with my shoulder this morning. What's cool is I focused my intent on re-orienting my body, but then I made sure to just wait and not initialize any other thoughts or actions. Just holding back the pressure to move, to do something, anything, and instead wait, and as I waited my body started to move and shift on it's own. As it moved I kept holding back, trying not to disrupt it's flow and pressure streams, till eventually my shoulder twisted and snapped into a new alignment. Cool shit.

Pressure and flow is so damn interesting. Well the whole universe is, now that I have some idea of how the damn thing works.

[Salaam]

3/26/16

Health x Capability x Choice x Expression x Connection

Fuuuuuuck, my intuition told me about this hours ago!!! I remember being tired and knowing I had to involve myself with something to avoid Absynse and as I thought that I had a flash of an image. So quick it was more a ghost of a feeling than a clear view. So I focused on it and waited, holding myself till I was moved to grab a pencil and then see another flash. This one more distinct, I was filled with the impression of five rings, revolving around in a circle.

I drew it not knowing what it was, honestly thinking it might have something to do with miyamoto musashis five rings (and it still might), but now, many hours later I see much differently. Damn, I knew my Capability Circuit would eventually change as I myself changed on deep levels. I mean, that's what I created it for, to heal me from certain over developments and under developments. But the way it changed and how organically it was is fucking beautiful to me.

See I for some reason had the impression that as I changed so to would my model as it grew and eventually replaced my previous version. It was a fear I had which kept me from going too deep into writing the book for the model, because I thought I'd then have to scrap the work. But, now I see differently, the above five elements fit on top of my original 12 elements turning into a damn building with meta levels of its own!

Lol, it's exciting to see, but may sound kinda meh for other people. But the above five elements are universal to all life. Hmmm, I wonder if each one is analogous to the more generally known five elements?

Edited April 9, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

3/29/16

I am so grateful for the hidden moments where I fall deeper in love with my Wife and then the super awesome times where I can consciously feel and breathe in the deepening. God it feeeels soooo gooood!!! I get these up-swells of warmth every time I slip my wedding ring on in the mornings and each kiss and smile we share before I head off to work just dives right in to play and nestle in my heart, no matter what I'm dealing with. I love, love, love our connection!

Lol, I was planning to write about all the things I've learned and have been working on the past couple days and how they've changed me so deeply, buuuuuut, fuck this feels too good. God, women are so yummy. Phenomenal women, the way they dance and play and feel and live so beautifully. This world would suck so much without them.

Ugh, imagine a world with just dudes.... fuuuuck that.

Ha, well that's an emotional palate cleanser. Okay, moving on from warm yummies to some cool shit.

I am so so thankful for my new ability to express myself and my emotions. To allow them to breathe even deeper and more frequently, without my mind wanting to barge in and "figure them out". I understand now, how my focus brings pressures of it's own that can crowd out the pressure streams and flow of my body's emotional expression. God, my body just breathes happiness and amazing pleasure. I don't have to do anything to feel it, just let it breathe and it comes up. It's a new level of health and capability, ever since I shifted my deep anchors, that determine the base positioning of our standard zone of being. It's super hard to explain though, dangerous actually.

What's also pretty cool is that I can now use my emotions to guide me into the most appropriate movements. So when I do work on my wife, dance, fight/box, and many other things my emotions guide me to exactly where I want to put my hands, and what to do. It's amazing and I can feel it slowly maturing and balancing the conscious with the unconscious/automation to become deep level self-expression. I feel what I want to do and I do it, my body working in beautiful harmony with my intent.

I remember how hard I used to work to feel pleasure, to understand it, the frustration and despair I used to feel around it. I felt like a broken, withered man, maimed and chained, buried underneath desert sand, with a single ray of light, and a humble drop of trickling water to sustain me at times. I used to identify so strongly with that image of myself, buried, maimed, and chained, but fuck, I can breathe and drink so fully now!

I understand the chains, I've become super capable with them, so now the part of me that are those chains work with me and become boundaries I choose. Integrity and clarity. Order. But, order balanced with flow, so the water is no longer a humble trickle, but an ocean inside me. I can drink any time I want and I can heal now, so I am no longer as maimed, but instead scarred, yet deeply capable. And since I am capable and healthy now, I can speak from all of me. I can stand and who I am is no longer buried. I'm up on that sand now, not in a hole, building my Oasis. Stretching my wings.

My friend believes I've passed the shit-level stage of kinda sorta mastering myself (mastering the foundations of how I learn and live) when I shifted my anchors and everything I'm seeing so far, seems to be bearing that out. All my work, the nuance, uncovering structure, facing and connecting the dynamics, handling the stress and pain, healing from my mistakes, and balancing and building something is bearing fruit.

It makes me happy, I appreciate it deeply as I run my mind through all the different details that add to my life and I feel grateful as I see the contrast in how life would be like without them. God, what if I had believed society and just took what they handed me with this rat race? I remember when I was grabbed by the feeling that something I had been waiting for my whole life, was within my grasp. It was like a scent my soul picked up on and refused to let go and it's sustained me for many years, when I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

I'm thankful to have been able to build my own way of being good at life and changing my view of myself from maimed and chained to free and self-sustained. I didn't have to obey or follow anybody, and I didn't need any higher power. Fuck power, I became capable and harmonious with my nature and I became connected and trustworthy. How could I not, with the amazing people so close to me, who are doing the same?

Lol, I'm a rambly ass motherfucker, but who cares. I love finally being able to speak. To express how healthy, happy, capable, free, and connected I am. My soul fucking burns with happiness, so much so that it builds and makes my presence sparkle behind my eyes, like I'm some fucking wizard or something (really it's my ability to build and gather energy pneumatically).

Damn that's interesting. Pneuma is greek for soul/spirit or creative force.

[Salaam]

3/30/16

More rambling gratefulness from yours truly, hopefully I can keep it from getting too long again. I just have so much to be happy and thankful for.

Man I love martial arts, it teaches me so much about things. I was working on the heavy bag on Saturday and came to understood that the best method for punching was to phase in and out between water and earth. Basically, flowing like water as I moved, and then a split second before impact, becoming like rock. This worked really great for strength and stability, but I realized the next day, that there was nuance I was missing out on, by taking such an extreme stance.

I had to pull back and realize my muscles were in the shared spaced between these two extremes, as were my bones. Which meant, that instead of water vs rock, it was more... I don't know... organically elastic. That elasticity meant I could store kinetic energy if I phased in and out just right. Pneumatically building up energy as I moved, which of course I found I could also use with my emotions and tension energy. Building pressure when I wanted, then containing it inside myself. I haven't really played with it too much, but when I did I felt like I was bursting with energy and had this glow on the inside of my eyes. Shit was pretty cool, but I'm being careful, because pressure can be rigorous on the body and I'm always pushing myself as it is. At least I understand breathing better now (it's pneumatic). My hope is this new structural understanding internalizes and just becomes a subconscious part of me (that's kind of what usually happens anyways).

Yup, yup, super coolness. Makes me so happy and thankful for this mysterious world. Oh and speaking of the world, I've been working A LOT on what I call Global Pressures and of course pressure in general.

I'm conceptualizing it like there are three kinds of pressures: Front-End Pressure, Back-End Pressure, and Global Pressure. How should I explain this? Ahh, say you're driving into work and your late and rushing to get there, but stuck in traffic and frustrated at all the people blocking your way, and you look around and see pretty much everyone around you is in the same position, doing the same thing.

Well, in this context, the back-end pressure is the pressure pushing you internally/invisibly to move forward. It's pushing you to rush, like a hand against your ass pushing you onward. Front-end pressures are the obstacles in front of you, slowing or halting your forward progress or pushing you backwards. These front-end pressures often create frustration, like the cars in front of you, acting as obstacles in traffic. Now, the final Global Pressure is the larger systemic pressure going on within this whole cycle, which in this context would be the 9-5 "rat race".

As I move through life, I observe and manage my balance as I come into contact with these pressures, becoming more sensitive to their dynamics and the influence they have on me. I'm pretty familiar with front-end and back-end, but the global pressure is super important for me to work on because it influences the expression of my ambition in the world and of course the ambition of humanity as a whole. Without understanding and empathizing with this maelstrom of global pressure it's very easy to get caught up in it's influence and have my good nature tainted, as well as lose authority over the expression of my aggression.

Basically, I have to understand and empathize with global pressures or else, I won't be able to properly handle when people act like shit heads to me or do shitty things in the name of ambition and the threat of how my capabilities can "change the game". Which, is super important to also keep ME from being a douche in the name of ambition and to stay away from useless cycles of aggression, that invalidate my greater message.

It's been a challenging but illuminating experience as I see myself react to people treating my work like shit. I can feel my aggression rise and fall and change, depending on my empathy, and I can see how it affects both my good nature and my darker side. I'm soooooo thankful my friend noticed I was working on this and shared his understanding with it.

Man pressure is so damn interesting. My Global Awareness is growing so much in sensitivity.

Oh! On Sunday, I was able to hold this idea of a global awareness of different pockets of social environments, from the beautiful oasis of a home I have with my wife, down to horrible torturous environments of squalor and suffering, spread out all over the world in millions of little pockets. It hurt so bad and made me so sad, but I was thankful to be able to see it and recognize the truth in this new sensitivity. God, I've been processing so much pressure and stress these past couple days. But, it's all good, my spirit rises in response.

[Salaam]

3/31/16

Im so thankful for my tough times. My stress helped unearth some cool jewels from my being. I just wrote in my notes the following...

"I've gotta work on the way I relate to weakness. Differentiate weakness inflicted vs weakness chosen and my reactions to them. I hate and have disdain for weakness because I project those emotions for what I feel for those parts of myself. Probably internalized by the people who treated me in this same shitty way as a kid. Heal this and you will get many more memories back. I'll have to work on my generosity, starting with what I give to myself. The weakest, most fragile part of who I am. The one I fear the most and fear becoming. The one I'm too scared to even be aware of and connect with. My fear and disdain will guide me."

I keep such a tight hold on myself in certain ways, but now I'm allowing my weak side to speak and breathe (and rant and rave) when I'm under stress that is difficult to stay capable with. Instead of pushing him away, im sheltering him and teaching him all of the knowledge and understandings I have. His beliefs and doubts I'll help him with. His shit headed ass behaviors, I'll help him grow from. I've kept him in chains for long enough. Maybe even one day, he'll grow to trust me and see me as more than a monster. Can't say I don't deserve that, considering how I've treated him. Doing the same fucking shit in a way as those assholes who did it to me when I was him.

In order to no longer be a monster, you have to heal your monster, so that he one day trusts you and shows you a different way of what he could be. If he hadn't been fucked with in the first place.

3/31/16

I've been asking myself what is weakness? It seems to be a lack of capability, which effects to the detriment a person's mental and emotional health, their ability to make choices and balance influence/pressure, limits the range of emotional expression, dulls their awareness and sensitivity, and blunts the depth of connection a person can have.

I have "extra" emotional reactions attached to weakness due to my projections, which I'm currently processing, so those will balance out. However, while the above shows me that in some way weakness is an environment or status that shouldn't have extra castigation heaped on top of it, there is still a big matter of how we handle and take care of our states of weakness. While weakness is a status, it is also a choice that reflects quite a few things about a person.

How are we responsible for our weakness? How do we protect others from it? How do we balance it against our capabilities? How do we neglect it? How does it make us neglect other things? Also, how are we accounting for the contrast between our level of capability and weakness versus someone who is less developed? Can we handle that contrast authentically and in a way that balances both the light and dark, the idealism and reality of life? Are we humble enough to see our projections in the process? How do we handle the global level destruction such weakness is causing and the general neglect and apathy towards righting such a state?

Personally, I focus on Trust rather than forgiveness when considering how the weakness of others can hurt me. I know that if I let people in close who abuse my trust it's going to damage and scar my ability to Trust on the whole. I have to protect the space inside me, where people I trust get to come into, so those who can properly appreciate that trust can see the beautiful places inside me.

But, Trust can't be a yes or no thing, it has to have degrees and nuance to properly dance amidst the complexities of life and the different kinds of people in it. I have to create a structure of Trust that can handle the extremes of people I've came across on both sides of the spectrum. People like my Wife, who are heroes and care and give so much and the other people I've spent time around, like those in prison who cut people's heads off or rape their 14 year old daughters. But, again it also has to be sensitive enough to pick up on the all the middle space in between. There has to be risk and courage to trust and an eye towards potential that makes such choices of risk cohesive and clear.

People are weak, they are shit-headed, arrogant, blind, spiteful, neglectful, insecure, destructive people. But, at the SAME TIME, they still contain a side of themselves that is the opposite of those things and can potentially come to the surface under the right conditions. I have to hold both in my mind at all times when dealing with people to balance things out. I have to handle the stress that comes about as the expression of their imbalance, so it doesn't make me collapse into a single view of their nature. I have to handle my disappointment in them. I have to handle the things I still need to grow and nurture...

I've spent most of my life alone, an outsider. The closest I've felt to a community, was being around people in prison. A community of outlaws, but that was easy for me, because there you can be cool with people while still knowing they may rob or kill you if it made sense for them. It was honest to me and fit my world view at the time.

Laws of the jungle still apply. Underneath all institutional power is the threat of violence. I know this very well. Courage and character and beauty are the harder choices of our nature, when pressed upon by the brutality of life.

But, so is empathy. Empathy is a hard choice when faced with brutality. I have to take on the responsibility of protecting the expression and practice of my empathy in the most brutal of circumstances. All the while, still protecting the health of my Trust.

So much shit to work on. But, I can handle it. I just wish other people would as well. Un-evolved monkey motherfuckers.

I know, I know, people aren't just that. It's way more complicated.

I often used to say growth was about finding deeper and deeper levels of how much of an asshole we really are.

Ahh, no wonder. I'm processing Global Level Assholery! (And my reactions to it of course, which means my assholery towards global assholery).

Lol, and as I finish that thought, my wife calls me to ask me if it's okay if we shelter an abused teen for a couple days. To help her heal and be nurtured and give her some strategies to navigate this shit.

Of course I said yes. We'll work together to balance both the shit and the beauty of life. Within us and outside us.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

4/01/16

I'm thankful for a deeper understanding on how Choice and Pressure inter-relate.

My experience shows me, the more I gain traction and capability with pressure, the more my choices are rooted in my own initiative. I choose in increasing ways the direction of the momentum and pressure behind my actions. I am not just a series of reactions, moving in the pattern, nature has waiting to play out for me.

4/02/16

Ahhhh, I'm so happy. I got an upgrade to my self-expression today! Finally I got something just as strong and awesome to involve myself with as thinking.

Gestures, movement, intent, authenticity, rapport, and so many more things I'm probably missing all go into it and now I can find expressions that match what I want to feel and which part of myself I want to be. It's kind of like moving amidst waves of energy that come at you from every direction and you have to choose a gesture that has the right chemistry to it, to meet that wave, so then you can choose and build off of it with something else that you might want.

For example I just breathed in and felt a wave, which I expressed enjoyment for, and then as I wrote I felt a slight dip in enjoyment and another wave (of drain) which I met with a gesture of resilient traction, that sent me a wave I could express enjoyment for again, which strengthened my rapport with writing. And so on and so forth. Each shift of change creating a wave, which I guess might be the expression of a shift in the tension of my connection with things (I dunno).

Ahh, that's awesome and makes so much sense! These gestures are supported by and derived from my capabilities that I've been working so diligently on all these years. Fuck yea, I didn't even realize I was creating such a treasure chest of badassery.

Ah, I remember these energy waves. God they seem so much slower now then back in 2013 when I was trying my "wave jumper" thing. Lol, I was trying to create euphoria with my ability to express myself and I had no damn clue at the time. Ugh, no wonder I'd end up shaking and feeling messed up back then. My pacing is so much calmer now and the pressure pushing me so much more character driven (as opposed to fear). So, that makes my self-expression so much more healthier and less taxing on my body.

Ahh, the waves are the snap-back or reverberations of my previous self-expression or the waves from external sources that "ping" my system. Lol, I fucking get what he means now about those damn Dolphins! My friend has talked about human bodies being kind of "hollow" or porous when it comes to energy and uses the experience of feeling a Dolphins call or sonar blowing through your body to approximate the feeling. I've never felt that so I had no idea what he meant, but now that I can recognize the real thing, I get it!

Fucking awesome! Ah, hell yea exteroception. I've finally grown a stable platform that is on the same level (but more stable and calm) as my Costa Rica awakening.

Maaaaaan, energy is so badass. Ah, actually everything building up and working together over years of work and stress and integrity is fucking badass.

Good job me. You deserve a cookie.

Lol, people talk about having aha moments. Reading back over all this, I'm laughing over how many times I started a paragraph with "ahh". It just shows me more and more that learning is about involvement and recognition, not just thinking. Thinkings for organizing, which you can also learn from, but involvement is where it's at.

What's that one proverb? Oh yeah.

"Tell me, I'll forget. Show me, I may remember. But involve me, and I'll understand."

Edited April 9, 2016 by Salaam

[Salaam]

4/08/16

I'm so grateful for the way my love for life has matured. My heart has changed and grown. It's more insanely scarred than ever before, but stronger and warmer, deeper like a canyon carved into the earth, holding an ocean more of who I could potentially be.

What would you go through to love and care for yourself more? To then in turn be able to love others more deeper than ever before? I face truly terrible things, but how amazing is it that as I grow, the one I love deepest of all becomes more beautiful and more precious to me? I tell her often that "the more I grow and am able to see you better, the more beautiful you become. So what more proof do I need of how amazing you already are?" It's a beautiful feeling to still look forward to discovering more about the person you're building a life with, even after all these years.

Years of love and growth, beauty and meaning. God I've changed so much. I change everyday, I guess you could say it's my greatest "talent". But, now even for me the changes in this past week have been... I don't know, all I will say is far removed from what I imagined life to be.

I have sorted for myself the ability to track and nurture, shelter, and foster the paths of my mind, my emotions, and tension energy. A deep enough foundational level capability in all three to build something worthwhile. My awareness isn't locked in my mind, and I can circulate my focus freely around all three so I can take care of them.

If tension is kinked up I can create a "sheathe" around it so it can differentiate into healthy pressure streams of energy particles and if tension breaks I know how to ride the wave and process the disruption. I also know how to keep enough resistance to balance the pressure so it's not too high into debilitating pain and not too low into feeling drained. I can link things together, and slowly, slowly build things in my mind. Building thoughts in new ways. Building experiences, like structures that merge into me, creating change.

When it comes to my mind I can choose when to let it lie as "only subconsciously active" while I nurture my emotions or tension. I can also split my mind and let my intuition guide me as different parts of myself, giving me honest feedback from my subconscious as well as many other uses and then of course re-integrate back into one voice. Each voice a side of me, with its own domain of behaving and assortment of capabilities, feelings, and connections to different memories. I also discover and rescue new sides of me as I continue to grow and change and find and face the pressures of doing what I do.

And finally, my emotions are actually the one I'm least capable with as they've taken the biggest hit over the years when developing the other parts of me. If it wasn't for this love that burns in me and this amazing woman who shares a life with me, I don't know what kind of person I would have been. So that one I just nurture and let heal and dance and play. Breathing and expressing freely.

Eventually, the hope is that my ability to take care of all three internalizes and turns into a natural level of new balance.

I'm getting healthier and more capable. More understanding of subtle pressures and stress, so more able to deeply choose. My range of expression deeper and wider as I connect with more and more sides of who I am. And the more me I can be, the more sides I can relate to and see in others. So my reactions change, feelings of indifference and disconnection wane. I'm less of an asshole to myself and others. All that together making life more vivid than I ever thought it could be. Why? Because I'm way more involved in every way.

Involvement... To Nurture, Shelter, and Foster:
Health x Capability x Choice x Expression x Connection