180 Day NeverNut

[Richard Alpert]

13 hours ago, Shin said:

Is this a schizo journal ? ?

Kind of

[Igor82]

Thank you guys for helping out <3

@Richard Alpert If you relapse, please go start your own journal. A relapse is only the beginning! 

Day 6 - 10: 1/10, 1/10, 2/10, 3/10, 3/10:

Hey, it has been a while and I miss this so much. Well, even though I was on fire last friday, I gave in to going to a weekend party (til early Monday) at my friend's countryhouse and the party went well! Although I was not as productive with my work, I enjoyed my overpowering masculine energy radiating to all my friends and I had endless energy the first couple of days without any cravings for PMO. Eventually this energy faded off as this energy is dependent on my routine working well and me eating healthy food, and as the food we brought with us ran out the first day and I had some weed with me, that turned out to be disastrous. I ended up eating unhealthy food and sabotaging for myself. I do not want to say that this experience was not worth it or anything, because I gained a-lot of benefits an growth from this that I would have not if I didn't go:

• The thing is that I became sick, and as a couple of people in the friends house also was sick this was no surprise. As I got home, I felt weak and tired after only sleeping 5 hours, and then this sense of fatigue and cold just slowly creeped onto me, and I just got weaker and weaker.
• I didn't do any of my daily mandatory tasks that day as I didn't want to miss the bus in the early morning and as the sickness creeped up on the afternoon.
• By the evening I was so sick that I couldn't really think. I had a fever and a cold at the same time, and as I ate a junk food breakfast, I was dehydrated as-well and probably hungry. I had no willpower at all, and all I wanted to do was sleep, at one point I just couldn't get out of the couch no matter how much I tried to convince myself. 
• The funny thing was that my lower self almost completely faded away, letting enough space for my higher self to come in there and be like "yo, now you can meditate!" As I was so sick that I couldn't even fall asleep, I just laid there in this meditative state, half dreaming. It was quite enjoyable.
• The evidence of my lower self being eliminated was shown trough the utter lack of cravings I had and the disgust I had for the things I desired just a couple of days ago. Complete repulsion of squirting my seed, utter disgust of the thought of junk food and no validation for distraction.
• The next day I woke up at 4pm just trying to sleep it off. I did feel a little better but I still had a milder fever a definitely a cold. I did manage to eat some fruits and drink alot of water, and as I regained just a little of my strength, I managed to convince myself to clean most of the apartment as it was very dirty and messy. This took me 4 hours of work, and I topped that off with a hot shower and my Kriya routine, and that Kriya was really hard to perform.
• The next day (today) I woke up with a little more energy, but still with a cold, and my lack of a routine has really took a toll on me, and as the strength came back so did also my lower self towards the evening. I wanted to finally post the trip report but I ended up distracting myself even more, just watching youtube for several hours.

Now my cravings are coming back, and they are being justified! Like how a naive person would swallow the words of Donald Trump, not being aware of the actual truth and consequences behind those words. A big part of my strength its being used to perpetuate my lower self! And that is very annoying.

I actually gave in to a craving to watch porn today, but I only ended up watching an image for about 2 seconds. An after those 2 seconds the same level of cravings I had to watch that initial image was now 25% larger and directed towards watching something else! I realised quickly that fulfilling those cravings wouldn't satisfy me, it would only perpetuate my state, so I summoned to strength to sit with the cravings until they disappeared.

If I wake up tomorrow feeling cured, then I will make a startup schedule to resume my routines. If I will wake up sick, I think Ill still do it anyways.

[Igor82]

Day 11&12: 1/10 3/10

NoFap News: On day 12 (today) I was straining myself a bit harder to get back on track. But as I still had a cold, running to my piano lesson in the rain didnt really do much good for my lungs. I came home exhausted and laid down on my sofa though unable to sleep and so I was hit with cravings to fantasize and to just touch my dick. As I couldnt fall asleep for a nap, I slipped into fantasy mode to then catching myself slipping my hand into my pants, because my inner strength saved me just seconds after. I obeyed my higher voice that said “STOP IT!” and after enough times of slipping into fantasy land I went out of the couch to cook a crazy meal feeling good and in control, I feel strong.

 

Tomorrow im gonna try my best to start updating regularely in this journal as this journal really helps me but also for me to be able to regain my strength and ground my regular updates in a regular schedule.

[Richard Alpert]

I did relapse somewhere around day 20.

It was kind of conscious relapse  I couldn´t get sleep and i thought to jerk off so that i could fell asleep.

I won´t be trolling here anymore so you can relax.

 

[Igor82]

@Richard Alpert My friend, I had a great time sharing my journey with you, and even tough we both tried out best to not touch eachothers dicks, obviously the hand couldnt wait anymore. As we now depart like a rope split in two, I want you to forever know that I love you <3

[Igor82]

Day 13: 4/10 - Relapse

I woke up with a cough, but today I was gonna nail it! Even though I woke up at noontime I managed to do my routines and go out and by alot of fruits. As I can home after a long walk of carrying 40kgs of fruits I just wanted to take a hot shower.

I think part of the relapse is that I have soo much stuff to resume after being sick that the thought of it is a bit demoralizing, sitting there in the bathtub without finding a compelling energizing reason to get out was hard, and every second that went by increased my chances of a relapsing in that bathtub as in my mind it was either getting out of there or poiting the shower hose at my dick. 

The very funny moment was when I sat there like a sack of beans and my inner voice went like: “Dude, get up. Get up dude! You are gonna relapse, get up. Get up! Get up! Get up! Why is he not getting up? Get up you potato!!”. I didnt get up.

I was weak, not in the flow, not in touch with life, and so I relapsed in the shower with the experimental mindset, and even though I knew that I wouldnt manage to do a non-ejaculatory orgasm, I still went on and did some woo woo hyperventilation and came.

[Igor82]

Day 1: 2/10

If I work and feel in the flow zone, then my dick does not exist! But only if Im flowing. Sometimes when I try to work, I get cravings to distract myself with PMO as im not in the flow. Today I worked really really hard at my cleaning job as this was a tough week and I had to go ham for 4 hours straight without a break, and in these modes, you never just consider "oh, lets sit down and jerk-off" and if you do, you will immediately repel it because your mind is focused on what's more critical for you to do.

In the flow that I was in, I noticed that my mind constantly gave me subtle action steps to do something on track with the main goal that I had in my mind, and this was to finish the job! My main goal after the job was to go home, as it was really late and I had to get home with the bike I rode to work with, so that was another challenge which in turn sparked more flow, and when I was home I wanted to take a cold shower and eat, etc. 

My mind - in this case, I suspect my higher self - kept throwing me actions steps which felt good to actualize. Of course, it would feel much better to actualize such action steps that would actually directly fulfill my purpose, but this is a taste of the flow that is the true answer to my addiction, something to do that takes PMO out of the picture.

[Igor82]

Day 2, 3 & 1:    4/10, 6/10 & 1/10

On Monday I gave in to a craving to watch porn. It came in the context of me procrastinating on my work and distracting myself with the laptop. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would eventually watch porn as it was only a few clicks away. After an hour of watching youtube on the laptop I gave in to the craving to just watch a single image, and that made me crave even more porn! With awareness, I ended up watching for a couple of minutes, but that would prove to be a deadly mistake as the cravings just became stronger and that worsened my procrastination. I ended up watching porn for 1 hour on monday night, It felt strange at first as I was aware of it, but halfway into the session my awareness started to fade away and I noticed the addictive patterns starting to form, a "mission" of trying to find the best picture, getting a "hit" from every picture, etc. These patterns developed themselves the more I watched during that session.

The day after, I wanted to change my schedule a bit and go directly for making some progress on the life purpose course thus delaying my meditation routine until I was done with the work. I ended up working for 30 minutes and then I distracted myself with video games, then I gave into more cravings of watching porn, and eventually, that led me into a relapse as the cravings became much more compelling than before. I played some more hours of video games and in the evening I relapsed again to porn, this time with superior awareness into the dissatisfaction of the whole process (which was very insightful)... I didnt meditate that day.

Today I woke up late, with the problems of yesterday screaming to be solved. I went into the now, and I had an important insight which boosted my productivity: What truly matters is the actions you take and not what you think! I always think of doing alot of stuff, but what truly matters is that I actually do them. Lately I have actually blurred the line between these 2 and it has given much room for self-deception. After the insight, even though in my mind I planned out my day, I was aware that what truly mattered was what I actually did and the actions I made, but also the choises I made aswell.  Today I did a very successful morning routine and now im writing this, ready for more productivity!

 

Always after a relapse, the pendulum swings back and I regain my energy, maybe it's because of the higher self backlashing but in my mind this kind of becomes a seed for another reason to relapse as I know that I will come back stronger than ever the day after. My mind wants to think that a relapse helps me...

[Igor82]

Day 2, 3, 1, 2: 5/10

Nofap news: I did a normal wank without fantasizing, and im suffering for it, the suffering that comes from me relapsing is being shown very clearly and it's a good thing, but also a bad thing:

I don't want to blame that "this is an ego backlash" anymore but It feels like my ego has been resisting my schedule for a month nonstop. There are so many things that go into my schedule being successful. If I don't meditate I can't start my day properly, if I don't go to sleep in the right time I won't wake up with enough motivation to meditate, if I wake up late I will screw up my eating schedule, and if I eat poorly it all goes to hell! Do you get what im saying?

The reason why Im not posting regularly is that im stuck in this cloud of problems to solve! And im trying and trying, backsliding and backsliding, fail after fail without success, as I keep falling into the same traps over and over again! I don't want to live this way, I need the strength to create momentum just for once, and I will never give up on that! I can't give up. I'll figure out a way. Maybe im just burning myself out...

 

• The first thing in the morning is my Kriya routine, and its always hard to get the ass on the mat, especially when I wake up late, the ego resists it every time, but as I finally get down, I always discover its hidden bliss 5 minutes into the routine, but I do of course forget that until the next morning. It feels like im living only for the Kriya these days. 
• The point is that Im always approaching my routine with a mastery mindset. I am always trying my very best every time I sit down on the mat, and I try to be as aware as possible during the sessions and I feel like the awareness always improves the routine! In the same way, as im approaching my addictions with awareness and that really helps me to see how much suffering im creating for myself and how the addiction affects me, ultimately leading to the addiction kind of getting erased from my subconscious as I get more and more aware of what it acutally does and how it actually works! 
• But ofcourse, my ego resists this awareness and indirectly robs me of my strength to actually do the work! If I won't do the Kriya, or if I wont exercise, I will more probably relapse into PMO, and the ego knows this. 

As you seem problems are very complicated and I have a tough time solving them. But the to have ups you gotta have downs and I know that the real breaktrough is near. I just gotta keep on trying and soon ill grow into becoming a different, more mature person. I have grown significantly since I started this journey.

[Igor82]

Day 3 & 1: 3/10 & 4/10

My ratings (1-10) are a bit out of whack as there are a lot of variables that go into me rating a day. If I have relapsed one day but have rated the day a 4/10, then the relapse was most likely spontaneous. The difficulty is determined by how much emotional work im enduring that day.

After I wrote my last entry I downloaded some of Leo's older videos and went to my cleaning job to listen to them. As I listened to them from a new perspective and a higher level of awareness, his messages went deep into my brain rather than scratching the surface, almost like listening to something entirely different, it feels like I can listen to his videos over and over again for my entire lifetime.

In one of the videos, Leo practically talked about how and why to take a vacation. That really opened my eyes, and contemplating the ramifications of that teaching made me feel like I was getting out of my rut! Basically, my latest "ego backlash" was just me banging my head against the wall so many times that I burned out. And if it was an actual ego backlash, its grip has been released that evening.

• The next day (Day 3) I went on with a pretty good schedule, and I went to the atlethics house and kicked ass! (no pun intended). My confidence came back to me, almost like when you're presented a new possibility that might actually work and so you trust that it will work, then so suddenly you know it will work, just like you would hope that anything would work other than banging your head against a wall as you have done for the last 3 months.
• I was fearless and aware, and I executed my purpose that atlethic session with playfulness and strength. Actually on that particular session there showed up more sexy girls than a caveman would ever dream of (including the blonde chick), but at that moment the temptations that I would get before would not come! What I usually would do (a couple of years ago) would be that as soon as I found myself in such a sexy place I would, when I would go to the toilet, fap very hard and only be thinking about fapping the sexy asses I just witnessed. It would almost be like a knee-jerk reaction and I would immediately refer the glimpse of an ass to fapping asap, and I would do this with clear intention like it was an obvious thing to do. This behavior has now been replaced by a confident sense of purpose in something else, and in this atmosphere, the thoughts of PMO would greatly diminish as they would not be favored by a big part of me, the habitual behavior. And so as my purpose permeates my behavior, then any thoughts of PMO becomes much weaker. It was like the athletics house was empty at that point.
• Relapse report: As I came home tired, I wanted to go take a shower and eat some food, I rewarded myself with a hot shower, and in that weaker state I would dillute myself into thinking that its okay if I draw 10 minutes into 15 into 25, etc and so the thoughts of fapping arose. I ended up relapsing into a new (backwards) way of doing things that justified the good old experiment mindset. But the new way didn't really work out as I initially desired, so I just jacked it off "with awareness" as I realized that 1 hour has gone by and I have sabotaged my schedule... so screw it. Then I cleaned up the mess and went on with my evening, actually without much regret or guilt, I just went on with life.

Today I watched porn for 1 hour. I had this craving that I resisted for 15 mintues and It was this subtle thing, but I wanted to distract myself from it... At one point, I just had to stare into it, I let go of whatever I did and just stared into it and oh boy... The mechanism of how the craving works are astounding, it is perfectly compelling! Its made out of your own voice, the voice that you trust so much, and it lulls your mind into obeying the cravings and to eventually relapse, it convinces you of it. As I stared the cravings right in the face (with difficulty), it quite rapidly started to fade away, getting replaced with my strength but also with a sense of pride and joy. And out of this pride and joy I went on and gave into the craving anyways (how sad) and watched porn for the next hour as aware as never before, I mean meditation level of awareness. The awareness that I put into that porn session was quite insightful but it always gives me a sense certainty every time:

I know that the awareness that I pour into this addiction will kill it eventually; Im starting to realize that im dissuting myself and that im lying to myself, and I start go get aware of  how I do it. Then I get really aware of how the addiction actually feels like and what is does to me. It's like the awareness is steadily growing me into this big warrior that the addiction eventually won't be able to take on ever again! I have made undeniable progress since my last porn relapse, at least this time I was much more aware of it and how it felt, and maybe next time ill obey my higher self, or watch just 30 minutes of it rather than 60, who knows! The same goes with the MO. And as im getting more aware of my addiction, im also steadily building up my lifestyle which is replacing the addiction but also countering it! I can see that its a pretty slow process, and I think that if I use up my willpower too quickly I will shoot myself in the foot, as it has happened for me many times before somehow. I dont really know how that works, maybe im just defieving myself, but what I know for certain is that my awareness is slowly killing the addiction and in combination with my lifestyle, I will soon replace PMO and outgrow it entierly.

Takeaways:

1. Awareness is slowly but surely killing off my addiction, meditation (Kriya Yoga) helps a lot with this, all credits go to the practice.
2. I must have the courage and dicipline to actually stare down the cravings to death. I know that joy lies beyond them.
3. I must always prioritize my purpose and my lifestyle and trust that this will be the cause of my addiction being healed.
4. This is a long journey and there is no way around this. If I'll keep trying hard I will eventually break through, and its just a matter of time
5. Insight: The mind has to distract me from actually staring into the cravings, and so by being unaware of the craving, I give into it! How deceptive!

I'll just keep at it my friends, I love you all fiercely! <3 

 

[Igor82]

Day 3: 4/10

Journal News: My last post was a very long one and it took a while to write out. This is why I have been reluctant to post here because I don't want to spend too much time writing my posts, especially if im gonna be writing them daily. Its a new week and I feel ready to tackle it and make it good. Im aiming to spend a maximum of 15 minutes on each post, boiling down the insights and writing more short and concise posts.

NoFap News: I relapsed on Friday to porn. I initially gave into a mild cravings to watch porn as I was on the verge of going to bed. Then I came across the hottest porn I have seen in a very long time and the sexual energy that spawned in my genitals and in my head was astoundingly electric. I ended up fapping to the porn, and after I fapped, I still was turned on! That amount of sexual energy experienced there was really an eye-opener. I fantasized myself to sleep and I fantasized on the morning aswell, and then I jerked off again on the morning due to the fantasizing. These relapses lead me to some crucial insights that have given me a lot of strength these last 3 days:

• The addiction affects me subconsciously. I got aware of this briefly and its really huge. The addiction will access your motivations, your thought patterns and your habits! There is a huge difference between the thought patterns of a man that is addicted to porn that is in the same circumstances of a man that is not addicted to porn. The man without porn will have released the need for PMO out of his lifestyle and integrated its sexual energy, and that scenario is the ideal.
  • I became aware that the addiction doesn't just permeate your ordinary thoughts with fantasizes and cravings, but it governs your subconscious behaviors and motivations as well! It takes a part in governing your emotions and motivations, and that is not desirable for me.
• I can see the potential of integrating sexual energy into my lifestyle. If I keep releasing it then I can't enjoy it, but if I can integrate such energy into my life rather than releasing it, well that takes it all to another level.

During these last 3 days I have had a lot of cravings but also I have had the courage and strength to stare into them and choose something else. Every time I deny a craving I get more aware of how it works, and more in touch with my motivations behind denying it, and soon enough ill get aware of how doing this benefits me and then the snowball is up and running.

Talk to you guys tomorrow.

Edited February 25, 2019 by Igor82
Minor details

[Igor82]

Day 1: 3/10

I relapsed two times to porn yesterday evening, gaining my juiciest insights so far! Here are the notes I wrote down in my commonplace book right after the first relapse: (I somehow jerked off again to the same porn right after writing it all down )

• 2019-02-26
• I will not get that. There were no sparks, there was no sexual energy in my dick. I wanted to replicate the scenario I saw in hopes of pleasure! In hopes of fulfillment. I assumed that they were blissing out! I projected so many false thought onto that
• My hopes of bliss will never be achieved. I need to follow the steps outlined in the books to achieve the bliss that I want out of sex, and even that is also only temporary.
• I watched porn tonight because I wanted to observe how my body reacted to it, and how the sexual energy felt. I also wanted to find the best porn. Those wants didn't come from me though, they came as mere thoughts, coming from another place. They came more like cravings.
  • I also couldn't hinder myself from watching because I felt like there was nothing better for me to do, and going to bed was too emotionally difficult for me to do.
• As the porn was watched, cravings came displaying the urge to watch the best porn! To find the best porn, and that would be rewarding! When the best porn was found, the decision was made in the mind that I will fap, and it would be emotionally difficult for me to not do so. Eventually, I fapped to the hottest porn, trying to replicate it, but it was very disappointing.
• "Where are the sparks?" Where are all the things that I anticipated? The truth is that what was happening was that I projected bliss onto the porn, thinking that if I could replicate the porn, then I would experience that same bliss as I imagined the porn would feel like!
• I projected my own fantasies and feelings onto the porn, creating the "bliss" in my head, but applying that "bliss" onto the porn to create the illusion that the bliss is out there and that I should watch and replicate the porn to experience it.
• The fantasies applied to the porn was all created in the head just like a craving, to get me to relapse by pointing me to something higher.
• The bliss is not on the screen, it's in the head, and its compelling force is made up of sexual energy. This is why if you watch porn long enough, you will stop out of boredom, out of no sufficient sexual energy driving arousal forward in genitals and mind.
• If you give in to cravings, you have already failed. The blocking of websites is to make sure that you don't give in to a craving, they are not there to hinder you when you're already in the force of cravings.
• My life purpose is grounded upon nofap, and PMO will sabotage my purpose. But my purpose is the key to defeat PMO. It's either or, and these forces will fight on, but my true intent lies in my purpose, and I know, I know for certain that I will win this war. I know that I will be successful with this.
• Action Steps:
  • I need to reconnect myself with my sense of purpose so that I can have something to turn to in case something as dire as this happen.
  • I also need to be observant of everything that has to do with the addiction so that I can finally see how it works and understand it, then transcend it.
  • Never trigger the sexual energy, because it will summon more thoughts! The more I think of something, the more I will attract it, so an hour of porn contains a lot of thoughts about porn, and that creates more thoughts of porn during the day which leads me into watching more porn! Combine sexual energy, an available trigger(porn) and pleasure together and you got a very deadly loophole.
  • I just need to sit with the thoughts of porn until they won't come up anymore, but meanwhile, I gotta focus on something else to make the elimination of porn-thoughts relevant and justified.
  • I'll just have to realign myself with my inner strength and purpose and then it's smoother.
  • I need to read more books so that I understand this path better.

Even though I woke up today feeling crushed by life, I still managed to be quite productive today, perpetuating the snowball just a bit more.

Edited February 26, 2019 by Igor82
Spelling issues (Grammarly keeps bugging out)

[Igor82]

Day 2: 3/10

My latest Kriya Yoga sessions were surprisingly relieving, they relieved me from the thoughts that created emotional resistance within me. This same awareness tends to appear automatically as thoughts and cravings comes up, as if the higher self has had enough of this addiction.

I notice how ”the force of the PMO habit” is making me behave in a certain way. For example, when I was out in the city I just had to look at all the women that passed by and I started objectifying them, I had a hard time seeing them for who they were. 

Im slowly getting back on track though, day after day. Today I started reading again and I will go to sleep earlier, im keeping consistent with posting here and im getting more aware the addiction. I have made a firm desicion that I will chose my life purpose over my PMO addiction. im implementing the realization that I wrote about yesterday, that I cant have both, I can either have PMO or my life purpose.

[Igor82]

Day 2: 4/10

NoFap: I relapsed the day after my last post. I had a giant craving before going to sleep and oh boy, staring into that one was a challenge. The process of staring into a craving is quite simple. If you are an experienced meditator then staring into the craving is just like difficult mediation session. The mistake is trying to act out your lifestyle like the craving isn't there, and that is how I commonly relapse, I try to suppress the cravings and then go on with my life; little do I know that the craving will sit there and govern my actions towards a relapse.

I sat there, staring the craving right in the face. It was a craving to watch porn. The craving was very long, it lasted for a good 10 minutes even though I stared into it, and it felt like a subtle but certain "goal" in the back of my mind, but also as a certain sensation in the body. Then during this feeling came a lot of urges which consisted of the sudden appearance of the scenario of watching porn in my mind, coming along with an uncomfortable body sensation felt in the belly, almost like when you are stretching your legs and they start screaming "STOP!!": apply that sensation in a milder form to the belly and then tell me that I need to watch porn to get rid of that sensation or else I will be punished with more emotional discomfort and now you've got an urge.

I ended up giving into the craving as my mind convinced me that it would somehow be beneficial if I observed myself masturbating. It was a self-deception. But it was quite beneficial as after the orgasm I got a taste of the craving leaving my body completely, and it was a perfect relief! The craving was completely replaced by the feeling of "Lets go on with life, lets do something else!"

 

Life: This week has been better. I can feel myself improving my baseline. In situations where I would previously become frustrated or depressed, I won't now. In situations where I would normally procrastinate and binge, I won't now. Im slowly getting myself out of this rut and next week I can see myself getting back on track even more! I just need to keep at it, and it takes a lot more work than I anticipated. Im trying to rebuild my daily routine and stick with it, as trying to do the routine all at once usually leads to an ego backlash. But like I fool I will bang my head against the wall until I will solve this beast of a challenge, and if Im not posting here every day and not walking my talk then I'm probably too busy banging my head against the wall. 

Im definitely growing, but I'm still a child growing up.

 

[Vitamine Water]

Hey man, maybe just as an idea, why not try 30 days first as a goal to work towards? 

I think that will benefit your mindset and strengthen your motivation even more. Small steps. 

Just throwing it out there

 

 

Edited March 5, 2019 by Vitamine Water

[Igor82]

@Vitamine Water Thanks for the tips! I don't really find too much drive in doing challenges for achievement's sake at this point. The addiction is too complicated and I can't hinge my NoFap motivation solely on the challenge and accountability aspect because the motivation is already there now but in a different form. I wanna go all in on my life purpose and working on that long enough along with nofap has made me realize that pmo is one of the biggest enemies to my path of actualizing my life purpose. I wouldn't find a stronger drive in a 30-day challenge that I already have now in positive motivations... or maybe im just diluting myself, ill see for myself soon enough. Maybe a 30-day challenge in a new journal here would spice things up a bit... Ill consider

Day 5: 4/10

Today I feel back on track. I woke up earlier and I did my morning routine with excellence. But then I distracted myself instead of working but im still back on track. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll do better. 

Every time I have a thought or minor craving to watch porn or masturbate, my mind automatically goes observer-mode with the intent to not let a single fantasy run its course in my mind! I have to let go of all of it, and it's quite difficult at times, especially when im in my weakest moments. But now as im back on track and really doing some progress with my routines, then I anticipate the force of my purpose to give me the strength to prefer eudaimonia over hedonism.

Im sick thinking so much about this addiction, maybe this is why I just want to let go of it.

 

[Igor82]

Day 6, 1 & 1: 5/10

Life:

I failed my consistency as every time I wanted to post an update, youtube always seemed more appealing. My consistency hinges on my discipline, and my discipline is surely building up. My hardest workdays (Tue-Thur) has not produced too much work this week, although I have stuck with my routines like never before. And what helps me here are the cold showers. Im now trying to take the cold shower every day due to positive motivation:

I browsed the forum while I sat in the kitchen at 8 pm eating some snacks after dinner and I stumbled upon this video about a guy doing a 30-day cold shower challenge. I started watching it, and then the guy mentioned “the flinch”, a term used for coining the moment when you are about to do something challenging and you get “the flinch” which is when your body and face curls up in fear. You can either push through the flinch or live a life of weakness and misery.

And so the flinch hit me, right there by the dinner table with nuts in my mouth. My higher self gave me such a surge of motivation to go and take a cold shower. I immediately went to the bathroom, took my clothes off (took a piss) and then turned on the cold water, and boy, it was insightful. I usually take cold showers at a specific time, (after training-when my mouth is clean-when im, not clean enough-when it's not evening-not right after eating), but now I broke all of these rules to realize that I can take a cold shower at any time! And as I walked out of the shower and heated myself up a little bit I got the calling to take another cold shower right away, and so I did. And this one was scary. I thought that I was getting too cold and that this was gonna hurt me, but I managed to surrender into it and then walking out of the shower feeling like a king.

I have taken cold showers every day since, and they really really help with eliminating that “comfort voice” which hates discomfort and wants to go die in a rut of video games and potato chips. Now I can more effortlessly choose to do Kriya first thing after waking up whereas previously that would be very difficult for me.

The snowball is rolling as I feel like my baseline of strength is higher than before. Soon enough im gonna do successful work every day and stay more consistent, building strength to follow the schedules on point. Eventually, im gonna return to the 5-MeO with a bit more strength and see where it would take “me”

NoFap:

• I relapsed 2 times to porn after I wrote my last entry. First, I noticed myself writing in the URL of my favorite porn site in the middle of a boring night after disabling the URL blocker to “just check facebook”. As I watched the porn, I tried following the words of @shin to watch the images without projecting my fantasies onto them. And this was a bit tricky because I constantly had to let go of the thoughts I projected! But this was insightful as well, what normally would get me hard would not get me hard at all if I just let go of the thoughts that I projected onto the images. The problem is that I didn’t stop watching the porn, I just kept watching until my willpower ran out to resist. I ended up relapsing trying to replicate the porn I saw (same pose, etc) and that was also insightful, because It came to the point where I would perceive that porn at just “2 bags of meat” and it turned me off a little, and then I noticed that my mind is turned off does not take away the sexual energy already existed in the body, and it does not take away the pleasure! It was almost like the mind was subconsciously running these mechanisms even though I didn’t really want to. Mind wanted to relapse regardless of how much I didn’t want to and the mind was good at getting that job done. I relapsed to porn once again that night, giving into a strong craving.
• I relapsed yesterday after deciding to smoke some weed on the evening. This relapse was without fantasizing or porn, just me trying to ejaculate up my spine but doing a poor job at it.
  • It feels like I just want to let go of this addiction once and for all. I can see through the illusion of desire that the cravings seem to advocate, and I know deeply that I don’t want to give in to the cravings, at least if I stay conscious enough during the day. I much more able to get in touch with the actual dissatisfaction of relapsing, and this helps with not giving in to the cravings and fantasies as they arise. 
  • I more strongly prefer doing my schedule rather than relapsing atm (in the context of cravings so to speak). But its just day one for me now, its gonna get harder the more I streak.
  • I don’t want to think about PMO anymore, I just want to let go of it… As I will work more and more efficiently with my schedules then I know it will be easier, including letting go of the worry that im slacking off with this journal, because a schedule would keep me consistent.

[Igor82]

Day 0 (Emergency Update)

I wrote the previous post -that I just posted- on the morning in my journal, intending to post it right when the internet in the house got back on as some electrician had to get a certain job done. But as soon as I was about to navigate myself to this journal to post it, I instead went and watched youtube, trying to project myself into the world of the internet in an attempt to escape the real world. I just didn't want to do the Kriya yoga, I convinced myself that I didn't enjoy doing my routines and I used that as an excuse to watch youtube. I had this nagging feeling that I would eventually watch porn. At that moment I could not summon sufficient strength to refuse. I started watching porn, more and more until I became horny. In my head, the higher voice said: "Stop, you will relapse".

There came the point where I could see that no matter how much the higher voice would try to convince me that porn is bad and that I will relapse, I would not stop watching it, and so I eventually relapsed to the porn, powerless to change the situation in the eye of the storm. There was a deeper problem going on, as I have said before; if you give in to the craving, you have already lost. I had the insight as I was sitting there, edging (but observing) that I was fapping just to escape my obligations. I rarely just give in to a random craving to watch porn during the day, they always come as I distract myself from my work! They always come as a way to further project my mind into the screen to forget the painful stuff that I have to be doing, if only for a little while, or if only until I get tired enough to not be able to do those things for the rest of the day.

 

Here are the notes from the strategic thinking session I had afterward: (Summary on the bottom of this section)

• Im using porn as an escape, projecting my mind into the screen so that I forget about my obligations.
• Why do I need to escape my obligations?
  • One phenomenon is that I constantly feel crushed by all my tasks and what I need to get done      
  • I am addicted, that's for sure, but I know that if I would have the option to easily go into productive mode, then I would always do that, in case I find myself distracting myself. 
  • But I don’t feel productive by my Kriya yoga or visualisation. I don’t feel productive because im not doing enough in terms of how my "optimal schedule" looks like.
• But I felt fulfilled when knowing im on track with this work (fulfilled enough to keep doing it), but today I didn’t wake up with this feeling of motivation, why?
  • I don’t really feel on track with my purpose if I distract myself from it, but in my “distractions” lies play! There lies the break I need, that's why the work gets too hard.
  • I guess I have to be more rigid with my distractions to actually feel that my entertainment that is not “distractions” is actually serving my purpose! And it has to be fun.
    • I Must eliminate all distractions completely, including browsing the forum. Because when im “distracting myself” im usually doing it to escape work. I need to leave all of that entertainment for the evening when it actually serves me and not sabotages me.
    • I must give paramount priority to going to sleep early, for that is what makes the work actually pleasant and consistent! If I can wake up 8 am every single day hence going to sleep early, im golden
    • If the schedules are followed correctly, I can be able to do them starting tomorrow with no ego backlash threatening me too much. The athletics are needed, the piano is needed and the breaks are there. I need to take social breaks for Saturday and Sunday (but then I have to wake up early to get the meditation out of the way, and that should be enough to get me excited for the next week, which starts off slow with the fun athletics on the morning (which compensates for the weekend starting Saturday afternoon rather than Friday afternoon).
• (Summary): The problem is distraction, and it most commonly happens trough habit but also as a way to escape the emotionally difficult work that Im setting myself up for every day. If I can take the proper high-quality breaks and leave room for entertainment and weekends, then I would be able to sustain my schedules without problems as they are now refined enough to account for that. I just have to take the leap of faith and commit, and so I also have to block my distractions as they are partially driven by the force of habit.

 

• Top quality entertainment on evenings (Just a few examples):

1. Podcast and snacks
2. Fiction book
3. Movie
4. Browse the forum 

• Lower quality entertainment:

1. Youtube
2. Video games

• Action steps:
• Remove all distractions, find some software
• Download movies to watch and prepare resources to be used for entertainment, could also be books.
• Go to sleep early and sleep enough!

 

[Igor82]

Day 1: 1/10

I relapsed yesterday (MO) for the same reasons as the previous post highlighted.

Today I wanted to take a break as I have recently implemented weekends. I wanted to experiment with substances as I had no obligations today. I even wanted to go for that breaktrough dose of 5-MeO, but I decided that it should wait for at least next week for when Im a bit stronger.

I took 50mg’s of Modafinil and 20mcg’s of 1P-LSD, then I did my Kriya Yoga when the lsd was peaking, and I broke trough some fear there, and then I smoked a little bit of weed, ate oranges, planning to go out and walk around the city. But then my mom invited me to take it to the next level, why not take a run in the beauty of nature, the sun and a lake nearby?!

I was so aware that I didnt really care about thinking, I didnt need to think much as my words spontainiously flew out of my mouth. When we arrived at the lake, I just wanted to run, I craved to run around it, the nature was so satiating and I ate the sunrays, it was amazing, and with music in my ears, I pushed trough the pain and felt in touch with nature. I ran and ran, it was the most amazing run I have ever had in my life.

My mother conveniently mentioned to me the other day that my half brother told her that when he got his new girlfriend, he became aware of how trapped he was with his ex, that he never new how much better it could get! Its almost like that for me. I needed this break that I took today, it had replenished my creativity, strength and motivation. I will do this every single week, microdosing and running in nature, the most high quality break there is.

Next week will be amazing, I can feel it. Im ready to tackle my life, this is it.

[Igor82]

Day 2, 3, 4, 5: 1/10

Life: is harder then I thought it would be, trying to revive my schedules that would be. I have developed this habit of entertaining myself up until late at night, where I would then cause myself to wake up late to a predictable grueling day of trying to pack all my tasks into 9 hours before needing to optimally go sleep again, but through experience I know that those days are not enjoyable as I don't wake up with that much motivation necessary to push through and so I distract myself instead, goes to sleep late again and its a dark spiral. I have not made any schedules this week, and I have particularly distracted myself from posting in this journal which I have attempted many times without success, succumbing to youtube instead. I have tried to break out of this cycle and it's very emotionally difficult. I will keep trying though, the solution is near. I am glimpsing some moments where I release these limiting thoughts and actually enjoy the moment as it is, regardless of the fact that im doing my morning routine at starting 4pm.

5-MeO Is calling for me... but I have to build up my strength. I won't choose to die if I cant chose to take a cold shower.

 

NoFap: Luckily, as Im more aware of the main problem of distraction, I can easily prevent relapses from happening as I stop the initiation of the relapse mechanism dead in its tracks, for example, if I distract myself long enough I will develop a subconscious craving to watch porn or masturbate, that I cannot release, because that craving is aligned with the purpose of me distracting myself! I would have to do the thing im procrastinating on rather than perpetuating my distracions, but that is hard, but as im more aware of this cycle now, it's easier for me to stop procrastination as I know that I just don't want the end result of it! 

For the last 5 days I have not given into any craving or fantasy and it feels very good. The grip of the addiction has loosened, and I can now focus some more on what needs to be truly resolved. If I would try to solve my issues with a constant nagging porn craving in my head, that would not be efficient, to say the least. But actually now, as im finally writing this post after staying up late procrastinating, I can feel the cravings nagging me, because im basically repeating the same patterns that would lead to disaster; sitting on my couch, having to do my kriya before going to sleep, late at night, alone, porn is a couple of clicks away, etc. Im aware of this and so I consciously chose the easy route of doing the hard stuff rather than the hard route of doing the easy stuff.

 

 

This is a matter of time and I need to stay strong.