180 Day NeverNut

[Igor82]

Day 1: 5/10 - Relapse

Relapse Report:

• After writing yesterdays update here, I went and dismantled every negative thought that came up in my awareness. I was either neutral or delighted. I went out and had an awesome piano lesson and an awesome athletics session, then I even asked the authority there about the piano, and I got the phone number for the right person to talk to. 
• When I came home, I didn't want to work. I just wanted to take a break, and so I didn't really do anything. I couldn't muster the motivation to be productive, so I smoked some weed to just relax and go to sleep early. I started to crave pleasure and I ended up sitting around eating some healthy snacks until midnight.
• In the bed I got overwhelmed by fantasies, and I didn't find a compelling reason to resist them so I went along and fantasized, and I started edging, after a while of doing that, I suddenly asked myself the question "I can either cum now, or I can let go of all thoughts and all actions and just go to sleep and see what happens", and so I went to sleep, and it felt like I have conquered a good experience
• When I woke up, the same thing happened, no motivation. I edged with awareness, and the only thing that kept me away from orgasm was that if I orgasmed, I would have to write this pathetic report on in my accountability journal. I stopped what I was doing, got out of bed and started with my day.
• I went on to clean my room, and while doing so I had this genius idea of penetrating the vacuum cleaner hose, and so I did. That idea seemed to be more compelling than my plans to go on and make my day successful without any interruptions and so I ended up relapsing, completely out of touch with my motivations at that moment.

Epilogue:

• At least I relapsed with as much awareness as possible. Compared to older relapses, this one, even though I was completely out of touch with my motivations, felt much more unattractive than usual. Usually, any way to relapse would be attractive and mysterious, but today my mind went through all possibilities such as watching porn, all ways of orgasming etc, and they all seemed to be unattractive ... "But they are still pleasurable!!" Yes, but if I get aware enough of how my mind behaves just after relapsing, I feel like I will have an easier time justifying not to reach down and touch dick.
• Today's problem was that I just didn't want to work, that id rather experiment with my dick for a while rather than starting my day, and even though I would make up my mind to go and work, I felt like I could fit in a little experiment just before doing it! "Oh, it doesn't matter, you can work afterward anyway! And you can always relapse with awareness, and try to be aware of how this affects you afterward, lets jerk off!"
• It's really tricky stuff. I think a part of the reason was that I woke up late today as I went to sleep late, and so I couldn't have the structure of a schedule to pull me out of stagnation, but most importantly, I didn't really desire to work, thus the desire to fap became stronger.
• Now as im writing this, I did have a good day, I took a cold shower right after the relapse, I did my morning routine and now im ready to go to my cleaning job, come home early and finally wake up early tomorrow! Im still in touch with eliminating my negative thoughts just like yesterday, but now im suffering from impatience and boredom because of the relapse, it sucks. FeelsBadMan

Action steps

• Wake up early tomorrow
• Strategizing session: Set up short-term goals

If only I can work harder and get to see some results again, get my schedule back on track and get in touch with my short-term goals, then I feel like I will get back in touch with the initial motivations that I had when starting this journal. Im working on it, day by day. Its hard, but its alright, the breakthrough will come, there is no question about it, I just gotta do the work.

[Richard Alpert]

I will join you for 180 days. I have been on/off nofapper for maybe 2 years? Somehow always end up relapsing at some point. Longest streak was somewhere between 2-3 months.

 

 

[Igor82]

@Richard Alpert Wonderful! Im thrilled for you! Here is a poem for ya, keep this one close to heart:

• All you need is a dream and some time,
• And any mountain becomes and effortless climb
•  
• As you’ll never know what’s ahead of you,
• you know a summit is waiting for you
•  
• With billion steps taken without regrets,
• sometimes dirty, wounded and mean,
• the strongest journey abhors the largest dreams;
• the future is already foreseen.

            

 

[Igor82]

Day 1&2: 1/10 & 3/10

As I edged with awareness on Saturday (My latest relapse), I really felt into it like never before. Usually, when we have a large amount of sexual energy, we always tend to be stuck in our heads thinking forwards, never actually feeling into the sensations. I feel like when I edged with awareness, I could clearly see the limitations of the sensations I felt, and this eliminated the mystery out of every craving or thought about PMO from that point on. I dont want to fap because I can see the limitations of it. 

Today I was productive, and I want to be as productive as possible tomorrow (I gotta go to sleep very soon so I cant put a lot of effort into this report), but this evening I wanted porn as I gave in to a sudden craving. My thought patterns said that I would not really experience too many aftereffects from just watching porn, "you won't fap anyways, so let's watch porn with awareness, just a little bit"... 5 minutes became 10 which became 30. I ended up browsing porn for about an hour, carefully observing my body and thoughts.

Observations:

• The sensation of the sexual energy building up in my genitals was a feeling of pressure wanting to be released.
• The sexual energy in my head was directed towards perpetuating watching porn. The voice of my higher self that usually throws me the urge to just stop what im doing got suppressed as soon as it came.
• The images themselves were just mere colors, but the thoughts, the huge baggage of thoughts projected onto them made the whole thing seem tempting, like how I always seemed to project myself into the scene in an attempt to somehow make it seem more erotic. All of this in order to jerk off.

What kept me looking, what kept me browsing? 

• A lot of thoughts to keep browsing to be rewarded by the pleasure of the next image
• I lost track of time in this flow mode of browsing
• Any force that resisted this perpetuation of pleasure was overwhelmed and suppressed by thoughts, promises, and emotions.
• I had this "purpose" in the back of my mind that I was supposed to find "a certain image". I actually stopped watching the most erotic pictures in order for me to maybe find a better picture, or spend time doing that until I would return to the initial images. The goal was to get me to jerk off, but I wasn't gonna do it. 

Eventually, this sexual energy subsided. As I built up more tolerance to the images they became less and less appealing and suddenly I realized I have wasted an hour, so I stopped.

I have been slacking off with my iron determination to kill off cravings with my breath and awareness, now its more like wooden-determination, but im always trying my best to quit this addiction, and im trying to stay as aware as possible while doing so. If it finally happens that I give in to a craving, at least my awareness will not betray me. Tomorrow my routine will grant me the strength to demolish any cravings (especially tomorrow), just you wait.

Edit: To you Fapstronauts reading this, please don't find my relapses to be an excuse for you to find any motivation to relapse just because I did, that won't grow you. Im working very hard on this journey and for me, it's a lifelong commitment. My approach to this is completely dependent on my personal variables thus cannot be hinged on and defined by black & white relapses or a do-or-die accountability aid. Im outgrowing this addiction day by day, relapse by relapse, and you need to do it aswell. Don't narrow your commitment to just 90 days or to an accountability journal... make this your lifestyle! Make a lifelong commitment with a strong positive purpose behind it, and trust that awareness and time will then eventually summon your breakthrough.

Edited January 21, 2019 by Igor82

[Richard Alpert]

Day 4? for me.

I actually wanted to fap as soon as i got home from work today. Lol.

My tactic is becoming aware when i want to release and quickly move the energy to something useful. I either go do sports, or start reading or meditating. Stress and boredom are the things to be aware of.

I try to cut out caffeine starting tomorrow also. that one i am addicted to, but i might as well quit that shit at the same time.

Let´s go Igor!

 

[Igor82]

Day 3&4: 4/10 & 3/10

Nofap Update:

• On day 3 I go many cravings to watch porn after I watched it for an hour on day 2, and I actually gave in to one of the cravings for about 5 minutes: My sexual energy was replenished and it coursed through my whole body, it made me think, crave and fantasize of only PMO, it made my dick hard and my body and face hot and I full of energy. I did some burpees to get rid of the energy from the body (with success) but the energy didn't seem to leave the mind. After about 5 minutes of watching porn, I went on to meditate for 20 minutes, carefully observing my thoughts in that session. Because I gave in to the craving, the thoughts and fantasies that appeared during my meditation session was a definite degree more compelling. These cravings packed an extra punch of emotions and vividness. If I would have gave into cravings after that point, I could now imagine why resisting the urge to fap (as a hardcore addict) would be very hard to do.
• The rest of that day I had alot of thoughts about watching some more porn, but also alot of fantasies to masturbate to the porn, I didnt give into any of them, instead I redirected my focus towards my schedule. Later that day I read an article about how to cure PMO which really resonated with me and gave me the strength and motivation to completely let go of all thoughts about PMO that arose after that point, and today on day 4 I just pulverized my -- relatively few -- PMO thoughts, not even giving them a second to play out while I took vigorous action on fulfilling a great and productive day.

The very valuable insight:

• Im resonating much more with the law  of attraction and how it plays in to the quitting of the addiction:
• Some people might think that they should fantasize about porn or erotica in order to "sort it out in their head", and "really let go of the emotional attachments to the fantasy". This action is intuitive and understandable, but its a double edged sword; If you think about something alot, you tend to attract it. if you chose to think about PMO, it tends to manifest in your reality! Even though the physical reality might not change, your perception of it will, which entails that if you think about and fantasize about PMO, you will tend to get a lot more thoughts about it and that is counter-productive. The main goal here is to not think about the addiction anymore, for a month then a year, a decade and a lifetime... only then the addiction is trancended. If I think about the addiction all the time, then you are not free from the addiction.
  • Action steps:
  • When a thought/fantasy/craving/urge about your addiction arises, do not let it play out! Rather, sit with the thought and observe it for what it is. In this way, it will immediately seize to play out and perpetuate, but rather disappear as quickly as it came. This task is easier said than done, a habit of meditation helps with this a lot.

[Igor82]

Day 5: 2/10

• I didn't think so much about fapping, I thought more about how to be efficient.
• Life is starting to get harder and harder, the main problem I have is that anytime I try to work I end up distracting myself. This forum is one of the main distractions.
• Even though my morning routine is doing great, I still think that it's too tight. Maybe in a couple of years, I can pull the morning routine off as efficiently as I want it to, every day, but not now.
• Im failing to achieve the goals I set for this week, yes they were fancy but not really strategically secure. 
• I have trouble waking up early.
• But hey, let's look at the bright side. It's all right! These are problems that are about to be solved, for me to emerge on the other side with amazing strength! Im back on track, and it does feel good, but it comes with the pressures of taking responsibility for doing the right work. 

Action steps:

• Create more optimal schedules that I can manage to do with relaxation, awareness, with room to think and time for compensation.
• Find a way to eliminate my distractions and postpone that entertainment into a task on my schedule that I can undertake in a strategically planned manner.

 

Misc:

• I had a dream tonight, where I was in a classroom that was very similar to the classroom 401 from Nordhem. I sat in the front concentrating on writing something, and there was this kid that looked like an Arab terrorist with a beard (he looked like someone I would naturally resent) that had loud distracting music on, and from the front of the classroom to the back-right corner were he sat, I shouted for him to turn it down, but he didn't do it, he just looked at me calmly and then back at staring into his desk. So I approached him, and when I was there, his face was entirely different, he looked more like Simon without his beard, he looked more like someone I would love like friends, and he had this wonderful stare with his blue eyes. When I saw this, got an urge to cry and so I did, then I cried more and more, my legs collapsed to the floor and I laid there crying and crying, The only thoughts I had at that moment was if some girl (Nelly) would be impressed by my openness, but that thought was very brief and disappeared as I just got overwhelmed by tears. When I woke up the next morning, I had tear stains on the side of my eyes.
  • Moral of the dream: There is amazing love to be found behind the veil of negativity that we assign to various things. This dream most likely comes from my recognition that I have some pretty strong negative associations with Arab-looking men. Even though we have never met or talked, I approach the person with a negative feeling about it, and this prevents me from seeing the beauty that is behind it.
  • I love you guys 

 

[Richard Alpert]

Day 7?

To be honest, i want to fuck somebody or punch someone in the face. But i will put the energy to somewhere else.

 

[Igor82]

Day 6&7: 1/10 & 3/10 - Relapse on day 7

Sorry for my infrequent updates, but im quite busy trying to gather the scatters of my currently (but only temorarily) chaotic lifestyle.

Dealing with the addiction is quite easy nowadays, even though my life is chaos, im just busy trying to figure everything out and this takes the dick out of the picture. As soon as I sit with a craving, it fades away, and now they only last for 5 seconds or so with a lingering sensation of about a minute, and if I compeltely surrender and not let them play out then they wont come back for a long time. I definently have a minor ego backlash as I feel quite frustrated and impatient to do spiritual work but also work in general. There is some major self sabotage going on and it will probably cost me a couple of weeks, especially now as im approaching a breakthrough dose on my journey with 5-MeO (Im planning to do at least one trip every week, and the next one will be a heavy dose).

Relapse report:

• I got tempted to do some spiritual masturbation in the shower (I took a hot ahower), as actually the water from the hose is enough to tip me over the edge after a while, so I sat there being completly aware but also curious! What made me relapse was my kind-of authentic curiosity to experience the actuality of this kind of masturbation:
• I went into full body symmetry with my back arched straight up, with the hose in my hands aimed at my glans, and as I sat there I did some spinal breathing while completely observing the situation. The sensations were not fulfilling at all, the orgasm felt much like a big wave of comfort. Well, now I intimately know how that feels like, lets move on with life!
• Whats interesting is that I didnt beat myself up one bit after this, even though it was a 7 day streak. My attitude was like “Lets live like this never happened”, and I seriously wondered what would happen if I just actually eraised my thought of relapsing... life would be so much better right? Not thinking about the addiction all the time...
• Well, it definitely was not worth it as the rest of the day my energy was sapped away along with my productivity. Lets keep killing the cravings and keep on rollin

[Richard Alpert]

Day 9?

I felt pretty good today. My overall mood has improved and not much cravings for the last 2 days.

I have never been one of the guys who makes claims that nofap gives some superpowers. But at least for me, complete celibacy gives more stable mood, more energy and overall uplifted feeling.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Igor82 miss u bb

[Igor82]

@Sahil Pandit I miss myself <3 

Day 1 & 1: 4/10 & 1/10 - Relapse 

This is an ego backlash for sure, my discipline is very low when it comes to doing the work that I want to get done. I don't want to blame on ego backlashes too much, and I do want to take full responsibility for my life, but it hard. I always seem to return to my safety nets. Its a lot harder than I would have thought. I keep on trying, but maybe with the wrong expectations. Its just very hard for me to be strategic at this state, to eliminate distractions. I working on it guys, don't worry. I'll get back on track pretty soon. Luckily, im so busy either trying to solve my problems or distracting myself, that the addiction becomes a little easier to deal with in terms of how many cravings show up.

I relapsed at my cleaning job, with the same reasons as the relapse the day before, I was curious, and this one was beneficial as well...

I fapped slowly for a long period of time, but as I fapped I was looking into a big mirror, staring myself in the eyes through all of it and being as aware as possible of the situation. Here are my insights:

• The ego is not the body! As I was looking myself in that mirror, my body looked exactly the same before and after the relapse, but it was what thoughts and emotions that were occurring before and then after the relapse that was completely different.
• I got in touch with how my lower self was dominating my reality at that moment, how the emotions were coursing through my body, what kind of thoughts that arose. At 2 points of that session the voice of my higher self came in to prevent me from doing this, once just before starting to fap: "Don't do this man, stop", and once in the middle of the fap: "STOP, NOOOO!!". After the orgasm, the flow-mode that I had before the orgasm was completely gone, and now I was washed with a strong sense of guilt and powerlessness, but it was like that lower self just disappeared and then I faced reality again.
•  
• Im starting to realize how total the grip the ego has on me, it can just flip a switch and boom, enlightenment6awareness flies out of the window, nofap flies out of the window, work and discipline as well, etc. And it has certain aspects which are fighting themselves all the time, we have the higher self, that voice that tells the right thing to do once in a while, and we have the lower self with all those cravings and thoughts that put me in an endless loop of escape, and then we have the part of myself that is connected to his vision and purpose, and then we have the part that is disciplined. Now, its like I wake up, and only the lower self exists. It's fucking frustrating too, especially when you trick yourself into thinking that now you're somehow immune to this backlash thing, because "Oh look, now you have done a week on successful schedules, and Kriya is doing good, and you are streaking with 15 days of nofap!!", and then one evening you are overthrown with cravings to distract yourself, and you sleep in the next morning, waking up 11 am out of touch with all your motivations. It's humbling, really.

But compared to previous backlashes, now im able to at least do my morning routine with success, as with other backlashes that would be a very tough cookie. 

 

[Richard Alpert]

Day 11?

Nothing new here. 

I work 7-9 hours a day and i now try to workout pretty much at least 6 days a week. Usually in the winters i have dropped exercising to 4 times a week in the last 3 years. I feel my energy is pretty good now and i have energy and motivation to do 6x/week. I live in Finland, it´s dark and cold in the winter and in 2-3 months there is usually not much sun shining. I usually go maintanance mode between november-january. When the daytime gets shorter and darker, the energy levels usually go downwards. 

I just started watching True Detective season 3, it seems very good. Season 1 was epic, season 2 not very good and after 4 episodes the season 3 looks very good. It´s similar in many ways to season 1.

 

[Richard Alpert]

And to Igor:

i think you are overthinking. Just commit and stick to your decision. what are you triggers? for me they would be a) negative feelings b) boredom. I mean i am not feeling negative most of the day or bored, but sometimes when i spend times in the evening alone it would be easy to jerk off and release. But it is easy to catch myself, because i know what the triggers are. I bet you have patterns too. When have you fapped, why and where? When you answer to those it is pretty easy to avoid those spots. 

[Marinus]

Good to see that you keep trying. Eventually you will be able to stick with it if you don't give up.

[Igor82]

Day 2&3&4: (1/10)

Im sick of this; I gave into a cravings to play some video games. I sucked myself back into Minecraft and got totally addicted to investing my strength into playing that game (with a lot of success in-game but a lot of suffering irl). I don't want to return to that game, but it keeps sucking me in! Im gonna build my foundational strength tomorrow with a good schedule and im not gonna relapse back into this damn spiral. It's utterly time-consuming. I'll give you guys an update tomorrow on how tomorrow has gone. I feel like the ego backlash is subsiding aswell. During these 3 days of gaming I have done my basic obligations, but I have not done anything other than that, I have not even been eating enough.

• Thankfully I have not has any cravings for PMO after an insight that I had on my recent 5-MeO trip (I have severely procrastinated on writing that trip report) and so the nofap is going smooth
  • In the midst of my high awareness, all cravings and all fantasies for PMO got utterly trashed and seemed very worthless, I could see how pathetic they were, and I realized they were only there to supress my awareness. I still have the deep sense of how worthless the cravings actually are, and I can see through them quite easily

I don't want to waste my energy on utterly worthless stuff anymore, I want to get back on track so badly that it hurts.

 

 

[Igor82]

Day 5: 1/10

Today has been great! Endless productivity! I did swallow a pill of Modafinil to help me out, but I finally feel free from the ego backlash! When I was going to sleep yesterday, I was full of this extraordinary masculine energy, that made me feel like I could go out there and kill the day! I couldn't wait to fall asleep and wake up to do my best.

• We have so much potential within our bodies that we don't use! We can use ourselves for so many things that would make us so very happy, but sometimes we just end up choosing to sit in fron of the tv with a beer in the right hand. Its our thoughts that governs us. As I became aware of my potential, I had this willingness to not make it go to waste:
• As I went to sleep I learned to let go of all thoughts concerning my addictions (video gemes this time), just seeing them for what they are, but most importantly, comparing them to my purpose! And to that, they fell short, very short. I feel in touch with what I want to achomplish, and this feeling has been robbed from the for the last couple of weeks.
• The frustration (the energy) that I experienced on my last 5-MeO trip was still subtly there in the form of strong masuline energy but in the midst of this energy, I was immense love! While I would be living my purpose and expending my strong masculine energy to my full potential, I would simountainously radiate love for everything. This is what I experienced today and it was very profound. An excellent day!
• Action steps:
  • Prioritize my visualization practice to get in touch with my goals
  • and practise awareness while dong my ordinary stuff to get rid of cravings and get in touch with love and eudamonia
  • Keep taking higher doses of Modafinil when feeling strong enough to be very productive.

My dick doesn't even exist, 0 cravings today! And my masculine energy made any thought of PMO very unattractive. Girls are more like "beautiful humans" without any labels or attachments to them coming from PMO. I feel like my charisma is sky-high and my confidence was peaking today! As I listened to music going to the athletics house, I visualized about my future self, about fulfilling my purpose and how big I will become! My confidence and self-love went through the roof, and at that moment I was unstoppable.

[Richard Alpert]

Day 15?

I drank quite a lot of alcohol last night, which i very rarely do nowadays. Now i remember how terrible hungovers can be.

I microdosed shrooms last two days. I have had a bag of unused mushrooms in my house for months. I thought that i could trip this weekend (it has been at least a year since the last time), but i aint tripping on hungover.

[Richard Alpert]

Day 18?

mood swings from frustration to peace.

meditations have been good lately.

[Shin]

11 minutes ago, Richard Alpert said:

Day 18?

mood swings from frustration to peace.

meditations have been good lately.

Is this a schizo journal ? ?