180 Day NeverNut

[Igor82]

This... This is the peak of male power.

Im gonna take on the beast of 6 months as the superior man takes on his depolarized potato. Im gonna ravish the world with neverending, evergrowing spring-nectar of holy hormonal bliss extracted by the means NoNut and the cultivation my alpha essence into awareness, creativity, wet attraction, and fuckin' nonduality.

 

Let me present a short backstory for you all: I have been on this journey of NoFap for close to 2 years, my longest streak being 6 months which im now gonna recreate a year later with unmeasurable power gained from this hard journey in between. Only recently have I been gaining the benefits of my endless observations of where my life is going with this addiction, and only now I have gained a confidence like never before out of the sheer fact that I have learned something new every time I have relapsed, up until a week ago; I felt this sudden shift, that signaled that im capable of doing this. I quit video games and PMO cold turkey last week, and my positive motivations have provided me with unmeasurable confidence, aiding me to pulverize and absorb the last fiber of any hedonistic desires with the light of my awareness.

Many goals have been set. This ain't gonna be an easy cookie to chew but I shall let the confidence in my goals carry me through! Im gonna read many books that will aid me in this journey, and I will be exposing myself through this journal as frequently as I have the time to be online. 

This challenge will be:

• Unconditional semen retention (within my power)
• No ejaculation, not even when having sex
• No watching porn, (Not exposing myself to anything sufficiently graphic to spawn arousal)
• No intentional/recreational fantasizing

I will keep you guys updated through this journal, in @Shin's words: 

Quote

Start a journal like @Vitamine Water and the whole forum will be your partner

In this quote, Mr.Shin refers to accountability partners.

With radical honesty, I will keep you guys updated along the way!

Credits to @8Ball, @Sahil Pandit, @youngshinzen, @Shin, @Vitamine Water, @Marinus, @Jol356 , @alea @Leo Gura and all of you guys who are inspiring me and are keeping the holy practise of semen retention alive!

[Igor82]

This starts today. I have not relapsed since a week ago, but this is it, it starts now.

Im about to go to sleep, so I may make the first report right away.

Day1: Easy. May have been hit by random fantasies out of the blue, but nothing that I could not shine my awareness through. Need to wake up early tomorrow and work on my goals. Read 30 pages of "Taoist secrets of love", Thanks @Sahil Pandit for posing that link in the nofap thread. I feel ready to go.

Im trying not to touch my junk but as im writing this I really need to go and pee... reminds me of one a challenge rule that I missed to write in the post:

• No touching of the penis unless im cleaning it or doing it out of unawareness (Bad habits, having to pee, etc.)

[Shin]

Leo ?

You joking he's still saying that we aren't woke I f we don't watch a good porn once in while ?

He's a Zen devil, what do you expect from him ??????

[Vitamine Water]

May the force be with you

[Sahil Pandit]

@Igor82 WOOO this made my day! Lets get it!

I'm looking forward to seeing your progress, it IS life changing  

[Marinus]

I like to be updated by your journey ??

[Igor82]

Alright, my friends.

Day 2: Easy and effortless

I did not even think about fapping.. maybe once, but I shone my awareness on that thought, observing it for what it really is and it just faded.

An insight: I did not follow by the rule that cravings and urges (the nastiest ones) are not permanent and that they will fade away. If I could've trusted this, many of my streaks would not have been broken. After many days I kind of hit a wall of urges and cravings, where I just think about porn for what seems to be all day long without realizing that if I just secreted the sufficient willpower to see them for what they really are at all costs, they will fade and I will win.

To counteract this for this streak, I will learn about and practice sexual energy transmutation and I will suffice the willpower to sit with my urges once and for all (later on) so that this streak becomes successful.

[Shin]

[Igor82]

@Shin AhahahahahAHAHAH!!  

I'll save this one in my collection of godlike memes.

[Igor82]

Day 3, effortless. I had some thought of porn and masturbation, but they were effortlessly pulverized by awareness.

My friends, today has been a great day. The kriya yoga is showing some results, after my practice, I was going to sit down and visualize, and I ended up visualizing authentic love for everything, and I felt it, it was not that kind of love that you could cut with a knife, it was weaker, but still... I feel like im evolving into stage green. Now I understand why my sister is a vegan, she does it out of love! I used to say "Oh, but the animal is already dead, whatever, what is so wrong with eating meat?" etc, but I can't say that anymore. I would not kill anything I love.

I went and improvised on the piano, it ended up being one of the best improvisation sessions I've ever done (See attached file)

Then I went out jogging, I felt this wonderful acceptance and urge to excrete my love to them, I ended up smiling at them and waving my hand as a greeting. This feeling of love lingered away, but I feel like it will come back tomorrow morning when I will do the yoga again, I look forward to that. 

During this time, I didn't even have a thought of watching porn. JKust before writing this, and stood in front of my window, watching the beautiful landscape, and I thought about fapping and playing video games, but I felt like "I don't need that, I don't need anything else than this!" It was quite amazing. I bet an ego backlash will come and fuck me over someday when I wake up, so I will do my best to build up the best antidote I know, the power of habits. This is one of my goals, to kill the fear of losing all these benefits by just doing the work with utmost certainty.  

 

 

 

Love improv2 Lower quality.mp3

[youngshinzen]

@Igor82 Beautiful improv❤️

[Igor82]

6 hours ago, youngshinzen said:

@Igor82 Beautiful improv❤️

Thank you <3  Love you for saying that, I really do.

Alright, time for the update:

Day 4, almost effortless. 

Today was an overall faliure in the daily life, there is a chain of causations for why this happend:

1. I woke up late
2. I woke up tired
3. I had a subtle backlash from yesterday's high
4. My schedule had to be rewritten
5. I wanted to trip

All of these resistances lead me to escape rather than just going for it, so I distracted myself with the ipad for 5 hours before finally getting up to do my first task of the day, the yoga, then I went and ate something.

I realize that one of these days will eventually lead to this streaks demise. This is why I will be the strategic motherfucker (that doesnt pull out ) and I shall solve the problem before it happens.

I need more breaks in my life. I need to schedule in more fun time, not for lazy reasons, but because its very productive. If I dont do it, one of my days in the week will end up like this one, because if I burn myself out, one day I will wake up with so much resistance combined with and urge to take a break, that I escape my work in the most instantly gratifying way I find acceptable... youtube.

under these circumstances I would commonly relapse, but I had not much cravings for that! I had one slightly more compelling craving, but I sat with it. I touched my dick a couple of times, but nothing that made me hard. The NeverNut is in control, for now...

The problem lies in that I have no social circles, everytime I think "Fun" I think of:

• Playing video games
• Smoking weed
• Hanging out with friends (Unavailable in this case)
• Cooking while listening to music
• Watching Don Rickles (legendary comedian)
• Playing video games... etc

I contemplated this and realized that the ideal would be attending an event where I can meet new people, then meet a really nice guy/girl > get some friends and create a social circle, get invited to stuff and then it rolls on. This will be something I shall put effort into, but im delighted that I have found the root issue, so that another one of my hidden blocks can be demolished.

Bonus: I experienced digestive issues today after poor choises, and I had bad bad pain, pain to the level of SDS (im solving this). I was in public at the time, around 20 minutes from home, so I took advantage of this and made myself as authentic as possible. I observed that if im in pain, im more confident! Its like "If im facing this pain head on, nothing elise can hurt me" (ended up observing like never before the hot chick that sat infront of me.) .. and as I was aware of the pain and my problems and my authenticity, I got really delighted while experiencing severe pain. It was something like never before, sitting and laughing spontaniously in public while having stomach cramps, a worthy observation. If you guys ever have pain in public, be authentic about it, dont hide it. It'll be better than you think.

Thanks for reading! Much much love to all of you <3 <3 <3 

[youngshinzen]

@Igor82 You‘re welcome? 

I just imagined you sitting there, almost shitting yourself and laughing out loud in front of this hot girl?

[Igor82]

Day 5&6: Easy. Didnt even think about it.

Here, read my journaling, it has nothing to do with NeverNut. I love you guys.

 

     There was this decisive moment when I looked myself in the mirror after a cold shower: "Should I stay home and trip, or should I go to my friends family party?" This was a tough choice, I planned out to go to the party, but I also wanted to trip! I ended up going to the party because I wanted to get in touch and fulfill my deficiency need of being social.. the trip could wait.

My observations had led me to some conclusions:

Fulfilling my deficiency need for playfulness and being social does not fulfill me. It only recharges my batteries. I need to implement a day where I can just play with people and relax, otherwise my work will become very boring and I will force myself to do something elise in this ego-backlash kind of behavior. Every-time I go home from one of these parties, im just supercharged to go back home and work, work on my goals..

Its hard. Its hard doing all these stuff, its hard getting it all to fit together. Its hard to get out there, to meet new people.. Hard to make changes, I just start thinking about all the bad stuff.

 

When its this hard I usually crave the lap of a caring woman, or the warmth of someone I can open up to. I have always consoled myself, tried to think all the problems away, in all cases it worked.. The girl I tripsitted, I just feel like going to her room and and have a conversation, let my emotions go free, open myself up and cry. I dont know where this desire comes from, I will think about that tomorrow.

I dont know what I need, I dont know what I want, I dont know jack shit about life. I think I know but I dont really know. The more I observe, the less I can see that I dont know. The more I learn, the harder it gets. I dont know.. maybe I just need to let go.  

[Igor82]

Day 7: Mildly difficult:

I was on the bus and I had never experienced this degree of intensity on needing to pee. Never.. I sat trough an endless 30 minutes just sitting there in strong determination antipiss, even having some no-mind experiences towards the end. This urge to pee reminded me of when I tried to prostate milk myself, and it actually got me a bit hard. I did my best to feel into everything and not touch my penis like I use to do when I need to piss.

Wow, after taking the piss in the closest toilet coming down from the bus, I felt so relieved, so extremely masculine that when walking around, every one looked at me. I felt unhurtable at that moment.

When I got home, I had a craving/fantasy that tried to cling itself on me, this was a harder one to feel into, as this one had the feeling of being permanent, but I reminded myself to spill all my willpower into seeing it for what it is, and it passed.

 

Ps: Yesterday's problems are solved. I now realize that I was out of touch with my goals, a bit unaware and in a mild depressive emotional state. This I solved by reconnecting myself with my goals.

Life is on track my friends. 

[Igor82]

Day 8: 4/10

On spot with Leo's new video, I am going through an ego backlash. I suffered immensely trying to do my meditation routine but I pushed through anyway. While being tired from the lack of sleep, I was flushed with cravings of junk food and distractions. Gave in to them. I did not do anything productive today except the meditation routine.

I got some more serious cravings for porn and masturbation, but I did feel through them without any problems. I know that a huge ego backlash will strike my face sometime this challenge... I'll have to be prepared for that.

[Igor82]

Day 9: 4/10

I think its easier if I implement the 1-10 scale of difficulty of every report. 1 = effortless, 10 = a constant craving/hornyness where I would have to spill all my willpower into just breathing and meditating my way to not relapse. The numbers indicate the volume of willpower I have had to put into the challenge, so this day has been relatively easy, except:

I went to train my athletics pass, and usually, one of the things that attract me to practice is the women training there, you know, observing them. It makes the atmosphere a little better. One funny thing was that I was on my last try to make a 140cm scissor jump, and then I saw a really hot gal running, I got distracted for a second, but then I mustered my will, breathed into it, refocused myself, and successfully made the jump!

Then later after a hard run I saw this 10/10 walking out and the mind just went crazy, I fantasized a little bit, but then I got busy running again.

      But, I stumbled upon an article of how to make your woman orgasm for 30 minutes straight - I had to read that .. It went into great detail on all the stuff you had to do with the fingers etc, and so a picture in my mind -of great detail- came up.. dick became harder, and as I read the end of the article, where the woman was supposed to have a mindblowing orgasm, I struck my fantasy of gold, where this feeling of desire just washed me, it didn't feel like an urge, but more like envy and jealousy but without the pain of it, and I felt really horny, squealing, squinting my eyes and grabbing my pants.. I had this urge, but it was not an ordinary urge like when you forget all about the other stuff to make the urge more compelling.. this urge was observed with all my motivations in mind, I kind of really wanted to be there and pleasure this woman that I thought of, but I had to realize that stroking my dick would not get me there by any means, so I just observed it mindfully until it passed away. But I have suffered a fantasy..

I think that me managing to remember my motivations while having an urge is a result the observations of cravings I have made in the past which is now reminding me of how worthless a fap really is.

 

Sorry for writing such long posts, but its in my benefit to go in such detail as it clears stuff up in my brain; as im writing im resolving issues.

[Vitamine Water]

I totally feel you man. The mind starts to attract this stuff like a magnet. At first you're like "ahh that's no big deal", but a few moments later you've almost spilled your milk. Traps everywhere, we have to keep our eyes open. You're doing great! 

Edited December 12, 2018 by Vitamine Water

[Igor82]

@Vitamine Water Thanks!

Day 10: 2/10

Woke up feeling very tired, I ended up preparing everything to start my morning routine, and then I went to sleep again on my couch, and when sleeping, I had a wet dream; It was not uncontrollable, this time I felt like I caused it! As the fantasy started making my dick harder in the dream, I realized that it was a dream! But the dream presented such a compelling fantasy (almost like the one I had yesterday) that I proceeded into it! And so my milk was spilled...

I woke up after that feeling like cancer, ego backlash deluxe combined with too little sleep, detox symptoms from eating shit yesterday, calorie deficiency and minor muscle soreness after the workout yesterday, and I guess loss from the wet dream.

I ended up not doing anything much for the upcoming 4 hours, just sitting there on my couch reading the kriya yoga book with brain fog, or listening to music, occasionally looking at the wall but mainly just suffering. Then I mustered uå my courage to do the kriya, then I ate food, played some piano and here I am.

I was in an ego backlash for sure, but it was pretty easy with the nonut, I have the wet dream, and no fantasies or urges followed up after that.

Action steps

• Wake up on time
• Make my schedules more compelling and do them with discipline
• Fix some stuff on my to-do list (implement that into my schedule)

[Igor82]

Day 11: 1/10

Good day, easy, no cravings.

I used this day to make myself busy to do some tasks that was on my to do list, like ordering 5-Meo, ordering syringes, ordering books, etc, downloading a software which will shut down my computer automatically in 3 minutes, fasting, feeling like shit, having lot of impatience and not being able to concentrate (backlash?).

Didn't think a single thought about porn, and tomorrow I shall be an even better day.