What I Am Going To Do With My Life

[zemtax]

Hey there,

I'm 17 years old and into Personal Growth for a few years now, it helped me fight depression, negativity and suicidal thoughts, and self-doubt. This post could be a few pages long but I don't think anyone would put up with so much text for just a little message, I'll just shorten it accordingly.

So, first things first. Since I'm relatively young and indecisive, have a lot of trouble with making choices, sticking with it till the end and take the consequences. It should be obvious that I want to resolve those issues, the problem is that I couldn't really figure out how to do it, but let me tell you a bit about my environment first. I'm living with my mother, who is very kind but also a bit stressing, and one of my two brothers. She's that type of mother that does virtually everything for one even if it's not needed, for example, she drove to my brothers flat and cleaned his rooms, washing the dishes etc. while he was at work. My brother didn't ask nor did he really want her to do it (he's almost 30 now). Hope that gives an idea of what kind of person she is. Her being so kind might sound great but is actually a huge drawback when growing up since I never really got to do something by myself. 

For the past 2 years I've been stuck on a plateau with my social life, haven't met a lot of friends or dated someone, I wasn't outside a lot. To make it clear, I was homeschooling myself pretty much for the entire final year of secondary education (11th grade, in Germany) since I had trouble going to school. It was a very neurotic experience, I just couldn't go there, it was the same feeling one has when standing on a very high platform, looking down while climbing downwards. Nonetheless, I managed to graduate with very mediocre grades, mostly because I was actually not doing much for the final exams. 

Since then I haven't gotten anywhere with my education, I applied to a private video game art school in Germany which would have costed about 30k€ in loan. Soon after I had done the interview, I came to realize that I actually don't want to have a loan of this size at age 18, and I didn't want to be a video game artist in the first place. The thought of having an office-ish job for a portion of my life, even just for 5 years, felt terrible. And then I was back at it again, finding out what I want to do with my life which is probably the hardest thing we have to decide in our lives, and since I wasn't around a lot of people, opportunities weren't present. I can actually count all the times I met friends within these 2 to 3 years on one or two hands. Though, I'm not particularly lonely or anything, what I'm missing the most is the presence of girls since most I know are kind and funny, and probably because of hormones lol. Anyways, that summed it up for my past 2 years. Meanwhile I was playing video games all day long, but also had phases were I couldn't even start a game because I felt bad for wasting my precious time. Also, I had a lot of ideas of what I could do in the future, like apprenticeships, jobs, school (A-Levels), getting a degree and all that stuff, but honestly, nothing motivated me to really begin and hang on in there. 

While doing Personal Growth on the side, I figured I had to change my life. I'm undisciplined, weak-minded, my environment and family makes it nearly impossible for me to change, though, I'm not trying to blame anyone. It's just that I tried countless times to improve myself, to become a productive and decisive person, but I slipped every time, after one week, after two or three weeks, it didn't really matter how long I'd stick to it, eventually I would get into gaming or something and neglect my initial goal of self-improvement and growth (my second brother got me to play games again and again, like I said, I'm weak-minded). Every time when I was at my peak of productivity and growth it came to me that I actually did all this for nothing since I didn't have a goal or project to pursue, and I gave up. 

And now I'm here, with a precise goal and knowing what I have to improve. I figured going to the army here in Germany (Bundeswehr) would help me a ton since I get to discipline myself, have new social circles, getting in shape again, and meet a lot of different people. Since many personal growth speakers say that the environment one lives in finally coins what type of person one is, I thought I should probably set myself up for success in a way, and this way is changing my environment and leaving my comfy room and desk. I'd learn so many things that I missed out on, even though the inner-self has a lot of power, the external world we live in will determine how far we can go. There are a lot of unconscious processes that we cannot influence besides changing what is factoring into these processes. And besides all that, I always had a military fetish of some sort. Guns, uniforms, all that stuff, although I don't really like war, I feel like humans as of now are just how they are, and we need some form of active defense; there is a reason why we lock our doors in today's world, but that are just my two cents. One of my biggest problems currently is I sit at my desk 95% of my time, lost my once fit body (didn't gain much weight, though) and feel like accomplishing next to nothing. I think going to military will fix a lot of my external issues and provide me with a bright future. I have to add that I'm not waiting for a solution to appear, however I get easily motivated by goals like this, becoming fit again to do my best in the army. Actually I'm quite hyped to serve in the future, even if it means that I could lose my life. Dying in a car crash on the way to a boring office job, or dying while fighting crime, terrorism or protecting civilians, I'd choose the latter any day, but I guess everyone has to decide for themselves in this regard. Going to the military would also allow me to actually save some money for the first time, I don't even know what I would do with half a year's worth of wage, probably investing of some sort. 

Basically, I just wanted to tell how I'm going on with my life for now and would like to hear what you have to say about it. I probably missed quite a bit of information that could've been used to further elaborate this post, but I hope it's enough for now. Before I end this post, I'd like to say that I tried approaches to solve most of my extrinsic problems addressed here (like financial independence) but couldn't get anything to work (like getting a part-time job, currently my town has zero jobs available for someone in my position).

 

I hope you all have a great time. Grow awesome~

[MIARIVEL]

@zemtax Hi Zemtax, why don't you start brainstorming the things you want to do for your future or create a vision board and cut out pictures and words of everything you want in your future and the type of person you see yourself becoming. List all your ideas no matter how big or outregeous they are. No dream is too big or impossible. 

Throughout life friends will come and go, but you will notice the true ones who stick around through the good and bad and make an effort to keep a friendship with you. The same with relationships/girls, they will come and go until you finally meet someone who you can't live without. 

Maybe start making some plans towards your future of where you want to be, go and do and the time frame you want to achieve things by. I wish I started at your age. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of regret. Why don't you play a video game as a reward? for example? I will read a book that strengthens my mind, or my habits or find ways to motivate myself to live a better life and once I have done this for a few hours then I can spend the rest of the night, playing a video game. That way you can feel like you have achieved something and got a reward from it. 

Success starts with your mindset and what you tell yourself on a daily basis. This is very important when it comes to motivation and how bad you want success. You have the power to change your habits, not let anyone have negative influence over you, and you can and will live the life you want if you make the decision to start doing something today that will get you closer to your dream. 

-Mia

 

 

 

[abrakamowse]

Try mindful meditation, it helps a lot. Observing your thoughts, you become aware that you are not your thoughts.
 So, you will discard negatives thoughts more easily, like suicidal thoughts, etc. Those thoughts come to you, but is not you who think them. They are just thoughts, don't identify with them.

When you become more detached from your thoughts you will notice that your energy and will power will grow and you will be able to accomplish the goals that you have set for yourself.

Search in Leo's videos the one about mindful meditations, it's really powerful.