Child memories brought tears to my eyes

[Sven]

I now just return from a meditation in which memories arose from when I was a child.

From when I was about 6 years old I used to play games like World of Warcraft or Toontown Online (a fun Disney game).

The memories of the worlds I played (but felt more like I lived inside of) are of so much awe and joy. Everything was so new and so remarkably mysterious! 

I had to cry because of these memories quite intensely. Nowadays, "my life" is just so gray. Everything I do seems to be for some other purpose, or to achieve something I don't already have - like enlightenment. As I write this I feel tears coming again.

I'm not completely sure why I write this all together. But since it was an emotional moment it does mean something to me. It's like sometimes all the searching feels a little silly. Feelings of wanting to improve the world, improve myself, help others or whatever. It's all so gray instead of just enjoying the moment.

All in all, however, I'm glad for this realization as it's probably a sign I'm doing the right thing by meditating and trying to become less attached to my identity - also that I'm confronting my emotions. Something like that...  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

[Nahm]

??❤️How could you trade this moment for a past or future moment? 

[Sven]

@NahmIntegrate the past and live the future out in the present?

Is it necessary to integrate everything from the past which has not been integrated yet in order to fully embrace the present moment?

[Nahm]

How do you integrate the past?

[Sven]

By realizing what actually happened instead of deluding yourself into believing stuff happened which never was real to begin with?

Confronting fears which were built in the past - like an extreme fear for elevators for example - which are subconsciously or sometimes consciously hindering you in the present?

Like psychotherapy 

[Nahm]

What actually happened?

[Shin]

[Sven]

@Nahm You made me laugh

Whatever I thought happened... Happened?

And whatever I think is just that... A story I tell myself. A story I have started believing at some age: that stuff would be different. That stuff actually has to happen in a certain way instead of in another way?

You know what's funny. When I was 9 years old I made a drawing under which I wrote "Made when I was 9". The thought behind this was as follows: "When I grow up - 18 years old specifically - finally I can really be myself. I will be steady in my being instead of all this being pushed around that happens now (by external factors I suppose). People will finally take me seriously instead of seeing me as "just a child".

Yeah people take me seriously I guess... Not that fun, though

 

@Shin But ... (uh oh) Fear!  Plus I'm just way too stocked up on idea's and beliefs now.

What would happen when I drop it all? Would I fall into a pit of never going back? This kinda stuff. Nasty, sticky stuff

[Nahm]

When did it happen though?

[Shin]

Does he look scared ?

 

Edited December 2, 2018 by Shin

[Sven]

@Nahm When did it happen... It's happening now... Yeah...

But- there's the but again... But it can't be, right?

Though I know it to be true - I've experienced it before. It was all so obvious then. I had laughed harder than I've ever laughed at my own delusions. Why is it not obvious now? But how can it not be obvious now and in a different now it was obvious - even though all now is now and there really is no different nows? How can that be? Seriously?

@Shin I love motorcycles. I want one someday (when I am allowed to get a semi-heavy motorcycle license at age 21)

Yes that's a great example. Fake Evidence Appearing Real is what I tell myself when I get scared by my own lucid dreams as well. I made all of this. I can confront it. It can't eat me alive because it is ME! And so this confrontation has to continue in my "waking" life. For me personally I think my dreams can work as a lever for this.

But no- he of course does not look scared. "Resistance is futile".

Thank you so far guys for helping me along this "train of thought" <3 this is why this forum exists I would say

[Nahm]

@Sven We can check our direct experience. Go to that now which that happened in, and when you come back to this now, I suppose you’ll know, unequivocally, for yourself. 

[zenjen]

“Think of the happiest things
It's the same as having wings!”

I had a similar moment where I was in a dark place, and in stillness tried to conjure up the happiest memory I could. It turned out to be a memory when I was about 4 of my uncle throwing me up in the air at my grandmas house, just for fun. I remember all the laughter and happiness I felt. I started to cry and later told my uncle and started crying then too.

Maybe try doing something now that would be just for fun, with no ulterior motive. See if you can access that childlike place in your heart. It can take practice but you can get some of that feeling back. I did this summer when I went to the park and explored and made a mini fortress out of sea shells just for fun. I sent a picture of it to my friend and he thought it was beautiful, that I could just do something like that.

Thanks for sharing your memory with us

Edited December 2, 2018 by zenjen

[Nahm]

@Nahm I hope you didn’t get lost in another now. ?