The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

As usual, when stress strikes, my worst self shows up. However, I'm getting better and better at catching that mf. Every time I feel something's off, I take a step backwards and just observe.

A breakthrough might be close and that accelerates fears. I already started online CBT therapy, because I could use some additional support at the moment.

Keeping it simple by now, just getting through the week. 

[Gladius]

This journal is about solutions, but I do need to remind myself of any therapeutic breakthroughs.

A juicy insight came to me while trying to sleep. I was thinking about the past, and I realised it wasn't that terrible. Of course, there were some moments that sucked, but overall it could have been much worse. I have been using that same past as an excuse.

Being a victim is easy, you just have to point others and complain. Meanwhile, time goes by. I know I've been mentioning this before, but I feel I'm slowly getting out of a rut, which is the purpose here. it feels like growing up, taking responsibility, and appreciating life with its ups and downs. 

[studentofthegame]

Insights and moments of clarity can be very valuable. I have started keeping a notebook in which I write them down, as and when they occur. They can provide therapeutic insights or be used as affirmations.

Keep it up. Do you have plans for the rest of the summer?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I have literally same approach towards insights. Not big plans this summer, just working and a short trip here or there. How about you? 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

Juicy insights await if you're willing to pay attention to yourself. I need to remind myself over and over that my goal is very ambitious: Being truly happy. From the very inside, with no distractions, smoking or alcohol. Obviously, after decades mistreating myself, my mind and body aren't really used to happiness. Thus, change feels so uncomfortable you sabotage yourself. Keeping that in mind all the freaking time will be useful to avoid the trap.

Today I felt funny, and after a couple hours I asked myself "why is this happening?". I turned off all screens and waited for a while. I started feeling better and better. I realised I was overthinking about some whatsapp conversations and playing a victim again. That's when I think how would behave my greatest version, or even a role model, and I take some kind of action, either tidying up or just going for a walk outside. It works. This is going to be the plot twist of my story.

I'm also having weekly CBT sessions. For the time being I'm not setting any other goals, this work is enough to make progress. 

Cheers.

[Gladius]

Today I tested positive for covid. Since I barely have any symptoms, I felt quite happy to have a couple weeks off work. It actually comes in handy. This will give me a break and let me set the goals for next season. As I mentioned before, by the end of July I would review feedback on job applications.

Other than that, decompressing will be healthy per se. This time will be well used for sure.

[Gladius]

These days I had much free time for observation and insights. There is a really important word that came up and I barely used during this journal: Assertiveness. This is something I lacked a lot and it caused me a lot of trouble in my past. If I ever felt attacked or offended, I used to just repress emotions and say to myself some excuse like "i'm over it" or "let it go". That's a terrible strategy and made me feel more and more insecure, isolated and sick. 

So far I managed to know what's going on inside of me. Now I'm starting to talk, demand, and act according to my needs and thoughts. And it feels so good.

[studentofthegame]

Sorry to hear about the covid but as you say, if you use the time to your advantage and you are OK then that can be a good thing ?

Keep it up mate. Your persistence and sense of curiosity will take you far. It seems like you are closely monitoring your thoughts and cultivating your awareness.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy, done with covid already! I'm loving you words, getting this kind of feedback is encouraging. Cheers!

[Gladius]

Things haven't changed this last month. No results. No feedback. Nothing. This has actually caused me quite a lot of mixed emotions. I experienced outbursts of anger and sadness which had barely happened before.

Another important observation: When I don't take care of myself, my body pays a higher price. This is a friendly reminder to make myself a priority. 

The only goal left for the time being is a new job. Hopefully next month will be more dynamic in this sense. Meanwhile, trying to make the most of the summer.

Edited August 26, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

It finally happened. 

The main goal of the last couple years has been accomplished today. I found a part-time job I kinda might like, and quit my "safe" one after 4 years feeling really awkward in that position. Lately, I even felt a bit embarrassed to write here, whining about the same thing over and over again, and not taking action.

I just feel peace at the moment. Deep inside, I know I should have done this long ago. The voice nagging me to quit is quiet for the first time. Now, I have many plans (A, B, C, D and all the way to Z) and ideas. I'm excited about the future and the new possibilities. Of course it's not going to be easy, but at least I'll feel alive. It will be my dharma. 

In terms of healing, I feel quite confident. My hopes are now to recover some energy because I felt so drained lately. 

The actual main problem throughout my life has been the mindset. This last month I've been watching a lot of videos of myself as a kid. It was interesting to see and it brought me some juicy insights. My strategy back then was playing victim too often, so I could get love, and that evolved the wrong way in my adulthood. If I turn that around, I'm positive I can be happy and lead a pretty functional life. What's the alternative, anyways?

I run out of excuses to be miserable. So, next goal is to finish my undergoing side projects.

After that, I'll review.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

So far, so good. I can almost feel like my brain is segregating serotonin once again. 

This next week I'm starting in the new job. Trying to do my best and see how I feel the rest of the time.

Lately I had the excuse of this big changes in my life to miss exercise and have a poor diet. My intention is to build a healthy routine around this new schedule.

Next week I'll review.

[Gladius]

It's not easy to reflect on what is going on these last weeks. The most important insight is I gained so much confidence by rejecting things.

I've been rejecting jobs, courses and people who are just not meant for me. My focus at the moment is getting training for a new professional career that gets me quite excited. This is happening by the end of October. Until then, I'm recovering, and preparing for it. On the side, not forgetting all the things I started.

Too many times, in life, I was not aware of being in deep shit, until I was out of it. I feel like slowly being myself again. It will take time. I'm in no rush though.

Cheers!

[studentofthegame]

Looks like you have been making very good progress these last months. Well done

Any update on the new job?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks! Yeah, I think my most important upgrade is attitude. Actually I also quit that new job. I just used it as an excuse to activate change. Now I'm training as languages teacher, and combining it with more risky stuff.

Looking forward to your updates, buddy!

[studentofthegame]

That sounds good. Proves it's always good to plan in pencil. Things change and sometimes quickly. If the new job wasnt right and you stepped aside, it is still a step forwards. 

I am due an update and will do so later today. Cheers!

[Gladius]

Exactly, I just needed some time off for myself to have more clarity. Cheers, mate!

[Gladius]

As days go by, I'm feeling better and better. It's sad and satisfying and at the same time. I still can't understand how I spent so much time and energy doing things I hate. However, I feel like for the first time in my life I'm playing adulthood on my own terms, and no one else's. Better late than never.

Actually, since stress and inadequacy thoughts are over, I don't care so much about setting goals. Still, I'm going to track my mood and see what other areas of my life are ready to improve.

[Gladius]

October is being dedicated to relaxing and decompression, and recovering my body and mind for a new life. 

November is going to be challenging, hopefully in a healthy way. I'm already registered for an intensive course and my intention is to arrive there in good shape to turn my life around. 

Up until now I maintained online sessions of CBT therapy. It's not like I felt a real connection with the therapist, but with so many changes lately it felt good venting to someone. If things stay the same, next week it will be over.

[Gladius]

It's not easy to admit this. For the time being I do need this hypericum thing to be a functional human being. Since 3 years ago, I have been using it on and off, and I can tell the difference. I guess that means there is still real damage. It sucks big time, but that's where we are at. I guess I'll be using it until I have turned my life around in terms of career and relationships.

At least it's better than before. The doctors just gave me medication to mask the symptoms of my stress, like corticoids and antihistamine. Some people is telling me to rely on this very health system. Yeah, good luck with that.

On a brighter note, I managed to drastically reduce my phone usage. I deleted every social media app from the phone. By now, I keep the accounts and checked it once a day on my laptop.  After surviving withdrawal syndrome, it feels great, like being back in control.

Next week I'm back to school, only for a month. The one and only goal is to do it as best as I can.