The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thank you, buddy. Things are definitely better since I started this journal, so I guess the work is eventually paying off.

I see in your last post you are following the motto: Back to basics  Keep it up. Cheers.

[Gladius]

This last month I have been monitoring closely the stress received at work and how I'm dealing with it. There has been a breakthrough in this area. Some processes have been automatised by the company, so now the workload will decrease significantly. This gives me a break. 

In the meantime, the strategy is the same: Looking for a better alternative, and using free time wisely. To me, that just means not wasting time, specially in social media and similars.

Even though I made a huge progress dealing with negative thinking, I've realized I still spend a lot of time stuck in my head, like having conversations with myself that lead nowhere. I wanna be aware of that, because it doesn't feel so healthy.

For the record: During the last couple of weeks I took one hypericum pill in the morning, to get through the busiest days.

That's it for the time being. Cheers.

[Gladius]

May is here already. 

Relationshipwise, I'm exactly where I wanted to be so far. Therefore, steady as she goes. 

Jobwise, sometimes I feel like I'm pushing myself too much. I have the need of overcompensating for my shitty career and loser attitude so far. I try to be chill about it, but deep inside I'm obsessed about winning whatever it takes.

I guess this is a healthy mindset as long as I'm mindful about it.

However, it doesn't hurt reminding myself to take it easy and have fun.

PS. Feel like setting a goal for May. One of the main issues I've been dealing my whole life, has been people pleasing, so let's deal with that. For the whole month I'm going to have a more "selfish" mindset, being more as an asshole. It's going to be all about me and taking care of myself, every decision is going to be taken according to my own needs.

We'll review in a month.

Cheers.

Edited May 2, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

It's almost magic the way life has for testing you. 

Since I wrote last post, I have been asked by many favours by colleagues, friends and family. And I said yes to everything. The thing is I actually feel like I have enough energy, but still need to be more 'asshole', meaning the opposite of people-pleasing.

Otherwise, making progress in other areas and becoming stronger as the world opens up again. 

[Gladius]

Reminding myself of "asshole may" as I try to keep it simple and day by day. At least, I've been noticing some patterns not really beneficial for me.

Besides of Yuval Harari books, I ordered one about highly sensitive people by Elaine Aron. I learned about this lately and I might fall somewhere near that category.

Next week is hopefuly the last busy week until July, so the only goal is surviving.

[Gladius]

Survived busy week, now I only have to work a few days until May.

However, this last working day I was quite irritable. I need to be mindful of that. I know it's not healthy, but quitting a job without anything else secured is not a thing anymore. 

In a couple weeks I'm visiting my girlfriend where she is living now, and the goal is to arrive there in good shape, health and mood. Actually, this is helping me to lead a better lifestyle for myself.

Until then, still 'selfish may'.

[studentofthegame]

Some positive updates lately, it's been good to see. Very good awareness too.

Have you done any 'whole life picture' work? I first came across this in susan jeffers book 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I suspect you are making good contributions in all areas of your life.

Keep up the good work ?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thanks, buddy! I didn't know that book, I'll check it out for sure. Seems you're doing good too. Cheers!

Edited May 27, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

I've been pushing myself a lot this month. Combining my 'safe job' with my side hustle is demanding but it feels like the right thing to do. Just trying to take care of myself, hanging out exclusively with positive people, and eating healthy. I had to sacrifice much time usually dedicated to exercise.

However, I realized I have been most of my life forcing myself to exercise way too much than needed, for whatever reason. If I keep it a couple days a week is good enough for the time being. Regarding health, I still somatize stress and pressure through my skin, so trying to be mindful about it.

My worst enemy at the moment is stress. It upsets me, affects my relationships, health and energy. I'll keep tracking that, observing my breathing and my thoughts when things get hard.

Next week I'll review May and prepare June.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

In May I learned I must protect my mental health at all costs. I made myself a priority. I've been living most of my life thinking that meeting other people would be healing. I felt so damaged I thought anyone else would be better. At this point, though, it's almost the other way around. Being mindful about who I give attention and energy is essential. I'm only allowing good vibes. If I don't feel like meeting someone, that's perfectly fine. It sounds obvious to remind myself these things at my age, but that's how it is. I'd take the red pill every goddamn time.

Actually, something I learned from the 'Highly sensitive people' book, is how sensitive man are less accepted by our culture, and even by the family. They are usually the scapegoat in a somehow dysfunctional family. A mother can subtly reject her own son because he doesn't match her idea of man. Besides, this 'hunger for closeness' can lead the sensitive boy to fall into toxic situations. This information is useful for understanding and knowing the self, not for victimising or blaming. I'm already earning some money with this sensitivity, and hope to profit more from it.

For June, my only goal is going to be NoFap. It will be a crucial month for my relationship, so I'm gonna give it all the importance I want it to have. 

Cheers.

[Gladius]

Holidays have started. Normally, right before vacation, I used to be tired, anxious or depressed. This time, I'm in pretty good mood since day 1, and I'm really happy about it. This is good proof I'm becoming mentally strong.

During these 3 weeks, the goal is simple: Steady as she goes. 

In the back of my mind, I cannot forget the long-term goal for this year: Shifting careers. However, I'm making progress with my side hustle. I guess I learned to accept the current situation while moving towards the person I want to be, without losing balance. Therefore, steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

The key is self-assertiveness. I'm talking to myself like I would be talking to my best friend. In the end, that's all we are and all we have.

Have a nice weekend!

Edited June 11, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

After a long streak of removing distractions, eating healthy, and applying lifestyle changes, inevitably some bottled up emotions came up. I recently experienced a big outburst of rage, apparently out of the blue. I started to punch a pillow to release it, for some good 20 minutes. It might sound crazy, but I actually felt so relieved afterwards. Getting in touch with emotions is key, especially since I'm prone on holding grudges.

I'm actually halfway my holidays period. So far, I managed to disconnect from work, advance some side projects, and charge batteries. Second half sounds more promising. 

[studentofthegame]

Interesting to read about your experiences punching the pillow.

I read in one of Geoff Thompson's books that sometimes when you clean up your diet and lifestyle, sometimes 'shadows' are outted and need expression, whether it is a physical outlet or something else.

Very good to monitor it and see it as a sign of progress, as long as it is channelled properly.

Keep up the fine work.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame That's exactly my point of view. Actually, right before an important date or breakthrough I usually have some kind of crisis. I'm confident these experiences are part of the healing process. Thanks as always for your input!

[Gladius]

After spending a week with the girl I have been dating, the relationship is over. I used to take rejections personally and suffer a lot. However, this time I'm bouncing back quite fast. I had the feeling I am not really ready for a serious relationship yet. I am dragging some depression symptoms and I don't have the feeling of being fully myself yet.

I'm positive and confident towards the future because this relationship meant so much progress. For the first time in my life, I managed to be with someone I really like, and it lasted some good months. I learned a lot and I'm also thankful for it. This sets an upgraded new standard for my next relationships and elevates my vibration. However, I'm writing this from the airport, so in the next fews days more insights or emotions might come up.

I know I will be fine, whether I meet someone else or I'm by myself. I just need to stop making excuses and create my own path in life.

And this summer the world is opening up more and more...

Edited June 24, 2021 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

That sounds like quite a journey of discovery you have been on. I can actually relate to sitting alone in an airport, heading home after having travelled to a long distance relationship that i came to realise would never have worked. It is a pretty unique experience.

Your positivity and sense of perspective in the circumstances is a joy to read mate. You sir are a warrior on the path - no doubt about it.

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thank you, that's really encouraging! I try to be not naive or simple-minded. It's possible to be sad but happy to learn. I feel I wasted enough time in my life as a victim and I'm literally tired of that. By the way, taking note of Warmerdam's podcast, it looks like a tool I can use. Cheers!

[Gladius]

July is here. The goal for this month will be just breathing. As simple as that. It will be a tough month with a lot of work so I just want to remember to breath well.

[Gladius]

The most valuable thing I'm doing this week is adjusting my attitude when I'm feeling down. There's a lot of work and sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, but I'm able to react faster. 

However, I'm still mindful I need to take action to improve my current situation. Lately I had little feedback from my job applications, so I rewrote my resume and try again.

If by the end of this month there is no more feedback, I'll evaluate the possibility of studying something else or learning new skills.