The Dark Knight Rises

[studentofthegame]

I had the same feeling a couple of years ago. I was single, 35 years old. I hadn't finished my degree and didn't know where i was going. Most of my friends were married with kids, and seemed to be further along in life. I was in a small minority who didn't have any of that and still lived at the family home. Things have changed for the better since then.

It's normal to sometimes have fears about the path we are on and fear we are on the wrong track, and missing out. It's good to be conscious of what you are doing and make adjustments if necessary, and seek advice. But i believe all the rewards are waiting for you on the path. 

Keep it up brother

 

 

[Gladius]

Thank you so much, buddy! I definitely feel way better lately. I know there is still room for me to grow but that keeps me motivated. Hope you are doing great! Cheers.

[Gladius]

Things seem quite static lately, at least on the outside. When this happens, I just focus on myself and take good care of my needs. 

Meditation is the one healthiest habit I'm creating. I'm more and more able to catch my thoughts before I get sucked in them.

I'll be setting at least 5 daily minutes for that.

[Gladius]

Bad-ass.

That's a word I've been reminding myself lately. It means much of what I have been missing all my life. It's not about trying to be someone I'm not. It feels good to develop a part of me ignored most of the time.

To me, it means finally embracing who I am and have been, owning my past, my decisions and my current position in life. I am where I am because I chose to at one point or another. I want what I want and I like what I like. I might make mistakes but whatever happens I'll be fine. I don't give a damn about what others think.

Actually, some girlfriends have told me to be a bit more of that when I'm being rancorous or complaining. When gathering with men, there is a secret competition going on to be more bad-ass than the other. For many years, I've been unconsciously discarding me from that race, and my confidence was resenting it. Rejection used to affect me too much.

I'm pretty sure that if I can combine my already overdeveloped sensitive side with a bit of this tough guy mindset, I can get pretty better results in life.

[Gladius]

Looking back, some posts might seem silly but I am very happy with my progress lately. I'm energetic, positive and confident more good things are about to happen.

It's going to be a couple weeks with a lot of work, so I can barely keep up. Then I'll have one month off so I will have the time to take more life-changing decisions.

Regarding habits and routine, the only thing bugging me it's spending too much screen time. I'm deleting a couple of useless app that take up most of that time and see how it goes. 

Otherwise, keeping the badass mindset and looking forward to March.

[Gladius]

March already.

Not really sure what to write, to be honest. The word is probably "bored".

[studentofthegame]

I know what you mean.

Sometimes boredom is a useful sign that something needs attention, or needs to change, or that something is missing.

Sometimes it is another emotion/mood (or lack of one) that needs to be accepted and observed until it passes. Simple as that.

Have a good week mate

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy! I take it as a good sign. Some of my free time I used to be so worried, I rarely got to be just "bored". Have a wonderful week you too!

[Gladius]

Jus an insight to keep in mind for the future: When the pressure is at its highest and anxiety strikes, I tend to make rash decisions I can regret afterwards. The opposite of that is balanced decisions. Next time, when that urge to act in the moment happens, I'm just gonna breath it out and write it down.

A couple more days until holidays and then one month off, which will be great for reviewing and making balanced decisions. Looking forward to it.

[Gladius]

Some people wrote me asking tips on healing from CPTSD. I'm replying here summing up what I did so everyone can see. 

First of all, know that healing is a slow never-ending process, but every day it gets better and better if you choose the right thing.

 

So there are some thoughts - in random order:

 

- Filling up my social media with motivation accounts. Since I can't help to spend too much time scrolling, I used it in my favour and start following a lot of "positive message" people. It slowly sinks into your mind.

- If you have any friends they are probably toxic one way or another. It's ok if you distance yourself for a while to figure out stuff.

- Pete Walker books (CPTSD and Tao of fully feeling), or Running on empty by Jonice Webb.

- Exercising your body somehow is also important.

- It sounds cliche but "following your passion" just means doing things you like and living for yourself.

- CB therapy helped identifying my problem, but I wouldn't say it was essential in my recovery. 

- I meditate as described in the netflix guide of meditation, which is catching your thoughts as they appear. 

- Studying myself. Watching what triggers me, what is my mindset, how I'm dealing with others, what are my boundaries, taking care of myself first, adopting an attitude.

- Being aware of death, knowing I have some finite time on this planet and deciding how I'm going to spend the time.

- If you somatize your emotions, be aware of it. Some people suffers from the stomach, some have headaches, others eat compulsively... I had skin issues for a long time (dermatitis and urticaria). Now it's 95% gone.

- I never took medication per se, but I could have probably used it at some point. No doctor prescribed them to me. I get hypericum pills which are available in the supermarket. I can go on without them, just feeling a bit less energetic.

- Be careful with self-help, some of it can be helpful but it can also be toxic and addictive. I like Dr. Joe Dispenza and School of Life videos.

- I remind myself over and over the Rocky Balboa speech to his son. In the end it's all about that. 

- If you are right now in the middle of an abuse situation, fight back. If it's over, just look for solutions.

 

Until I was 30 I was trying to be normal but reality slapped me on the face again and again. Then I had to realize there was something deeper to be healed. Facing your truth can be terrible, but it's the only way of living the life you deserve.

I'm 36 and it's not over yet, but most of symptoms are barely there (anxiety, depression, irritability, etc), and I can foresee a better future. 

[studentofthegame]

That's a good summary of your work and a useful reference - thank you for sharing. Lots of wisdom there my friend. ? We are on similar paths in many ways.

You are right it's a life long process so a key is to enjoy the journey - the present moment is all we have.

Your healing is very inspiring so thanks a lot. Very interested to see how you accomplish your creative goals. Creativity is a real good outlet for trauma. I'm not ready to pursue my creative goals at the moment, so I have to continue to be patient.

 

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thank you buddy, as always your feedback is precious. I love writing and I know I will be doing it one way or another. I wouldn't say creativity is compulsory for everyone though. Following your bliss also means switching careers like you did. Cheers!

[Gladius]

Sorry guys, I feel like writing a bit more. 

When I'm starting holidays, I always need a couple days to rest my body and mind. 

My intention for this month is, first and foremost, to take care of myself, be aware of my needs and emotional state. I also have some plans to keep making progress in my creative career.

Depending on the pandemic situation and my projects, I'll decide if it's wise to keep my current job or it's time to make the leap.

[Gladius]

Halfway through the break.

I think I'm doing great actually, no need to fix anything. Good vibes, having fun, going with my gut, and not worrying so much. I guess that's how holidays should feel. 

Maybe, the only note to myself would be being more aggressive to the things I want. The very first reaction I have in a given situation is still quite people-pleasing. Keeping that in mind for next time.

Otherwise, steady as she goes.

Edited March 23, 2021 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

I agree 100%. You don't want to be 'paying' for your holiday for days and weeks after it has finished by overdoing it - but you need some freedom to relax everything a bit and have some fun. Very important for balance and to restore your batteries.

That's a great observation about people-pleasing. I have the same issue. Assertiveness is a muscle you have to keep working. 

Keep up the good work - and more importantly - enjoy the second half of your break ?

[Gladius]

After a long session of meditation, sometimes I have a juicy insight about myself immediately after.

Sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow. But it's always worth it.

A few years ago, kinda joking, a friend said I was a coward. At that time, I was clearly avoiding a situation where I could run into an ex.

After the meditation, this word came to me. He was damn right. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up. Actually, it was quite liberating to look myself in the mirror and admit I've been a coward most of my life. Coward with women, with jobs, with friends, with colleagues, with family... Fear everywhere. The reasons for this fear doesn't matter. I'm now well aware of it, and I'm going to beat it. I can't afford to lose more time.

@studentofthegame thanks buddy, hope you're doing great too!

[Gladius]

A few days left of this 3-week break I enjoyed more than ever.

I truly must be doing something right. For the first time in my life, I had a (very) successful date with my all-time crush. I have no words to explain how that feels. 

Lately I'm just focusing in keeping my vibes high. Literally I've been googling "how to increase vibes" and doing that. I also finished the book "You are the placebo" by Joe Dispenza and loved that approach.

The most important fight I won is the on inside me. Every time I have a thought which is not fully supporting me, I just observe it and let it go. It was also inspiring an interview I watched with Sadhguru. When asked how is he dealing with anger or resentment, he said "I give no one that privilege" and I remind that to myself over and over again.

Next week I'm back to work and that will be the final test. It's easy to be this Zen when it's all sunshine and rainbows, so let's see how I keep that state under stress.

Edited April 1, 2021 by Gladius

[Gladius]

You can call it healing, building mental strength, or conquering yourself. Seems I'm getting my shit together.

I can see myself behaving like a fully functional person, taking care of myself, and even able to take care of others.

There's still some fear in there I need to address. However, I'm not being too strict on myself because the progress lately has been amazing.

The goal for the next two weeks is to monitor this balance.

[Gladius]

Dating 3 times with someone I really, really like for the first time in my life is quite an accomplishment. I don't know what will happen in the future, but in terms of relationships, this is the way to go. I'm becoming the person I'd like to meet.

Otherwise, peak season at work is getting started. Stress is my main concern at the moment. I'm dealing with it better than ever, but I do need a change. However, quitting without anything else to do is currently not an option for the time being. I'm exploring alternative projects on a daily basis. This is my main goal now and every week I'll be reviewing the progress in this area.

[studentofthegame]

Sounds as if you aren't far away from that next level in terms of a relationship. As you say, becoming the person you'd like to meet is key. 

Will be interesting to see where you go with your projects. 

Overall some very positive recent posts mate. Sounds like you are really handling your business and building something solid. Keep it going!?