The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame great feedback sir, many thanks.

[Gladius]

Big lesson in taking responsibility this week. I've been blaming someone else for blowing up my latest project, and another colleague made me realize I'm the one and only responsible person for this. It's my bet, either for winning or for losing. It's not easy to digest but it's the truth.

Otherwise, I feel pretty good. I just need to rest a little bit before strike 2.

I've been back to the dating arena. My healing will be a lifelong process, but I'm not giving up in having a loving relationship. 

Just one week left before holidays. The goal is to keep breathing, exercising, and observing as I am doing, and only taking action for a couple applications I have in mind. That's it.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

One of my main struggles at the moment is facing how much I am resisting to change. 4 years ago, I decided to avoid more changes in my environment (work, housing, relationships...) so I could deal with my inner conflicts. I think it worked out, but now it seems I built such strong identity that I find it difficult to change.

For example, I do want a girlfriend, but I always find an excuse to avoid commitment and staying single.

If I'm sick of the job I currently have, I end up telling myself I should be grateful to have a job in these times and I take no action.

If I'm not comfortable with the place I'm living, I'm telling myself is so cheap and I don't look for anything else.

I'm not beating myself up for this, since I needed time for healing. Now just being mindful of the possible self-sabotage coming up just before reaching the goals.

[Gladius]

Normally I don't post twice in a day (this is one of my stupid self-imposed rules, as if I could not write here as much as I want). After posting, I realised this happened after visiting my parents. I think I managed to heal our relationship, I accept them and even love them. There are barely any negative feeling or resentment towards them. Still, after seeing them, I feel uneasy, and some pessimism comes to my head, not directly related to them. It's funny and I will keep this in mind. 

Is it possible that love, that was once so unknown, is becoming familiar? 

[Gladius]

Finally a couple weeks off. 

I promised myself to quit my current job as soon as I got paid for doing something else. This is about to happen, it seems. It's my priority number one and I must not forget it.

However, I complain a lot about the time I lose there, and I don't pay attention to time wasted in social media. It's probably the most toxic, numbing and energy-consuming habit or addiction I have. I'm gonna be mindful about it and go cold turkey for a day, and keep tracking it in my next posts. 

On a more positive note, when I was thinking what should I do for my holidays, I reconnected with a former girlfriend who lives in another country and invited me over. I'm taking those flights despite of the current situation because it can be fun and healing to explain our lives so much time after. Being brutally honest, I feel kinda guilty. I'm afraid this trip can come from a place of neediness. There's not so much to do anyways, so I'm gonna allow myself to do it. To avoid isolation, I made a promise to become a "yes man" from now on.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius well done for continuing to observe and make adjustments where needed. A couple of weeks off can be extremely valuable too. I also had an experience of reconnecting with an ex after almost 10 years... it was of course about sex... but it also allowed me to resolve some issues. Be mindful of boundaries and enjoy the experience.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks for sharing your experience, it's a similar mindset indeed!

[Gladius]

Back from the trip!

It's been a healing experience indeed. I spent some lovely days with a former girlfriend, and I unplugged from my daily reality in another city for a few days. Good vibes, fun, and connection is what I needed (and actually need) the most. 

I have lived by myself for 5 years now. This introspection has brought some juicy insights indeed, like what kind of career I would enjoy more, and what toxic traits have been poisoning my life. However, I believe I'm ready for a relationship. Seems I'm becoming more interesting for women as I work on myself, so I'll follow the same "strategy", which is not going directly for it, but being aware of my surroundings.

[Gladius]

The last days off from work have been quite weird. I've been feeling sloppy, lazy, and tired. I gave myself permission to chill at home, all by myself, eat sweets, junk food, watch TV, and (a lot of) porn. It was probably a backlash after the hype of the trip.

The note to myself this week is to keep balance. Sometimes I try too hard to do outstanding memorable things, and I forget about habits.

Tomorrow, we'll be back to basics.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thanks pal, you just put it into words way better than I did! That's why it's important to keep balance and try to make small actions. I feel the backlash in these situations is stronger as I get older. It's important to focus the energy where it can create a more positive growth.

There is an important insight from the trip I forgot to write down. From time to time I have some rage issues. When I feel distressed, if in a situation with people whom I feel dominant or comfortable, I unwittingly vent to the closest person next to me. It's nothing really serious, just a bit of an emotional overreaction, but I need to be aware of that in the future because it can damage relationships and harm the people who less deserve it. 

[Gladius]

After some exhausting workdays,  today I woke up in a bad mood. Again, when I'm tired I easily get into a victim mode, and I get those overwhelming emotional flashbacks resenting and blaming other people. However, I take these slumps as opportunities to take responsibility of they way I feel. I need to remind myself this over and over, with responsibility comes growth.

On a different note, I am back to the nootropics list to try another one. In the past, I did not feel much effect with lion's mane. Now I'm taking L-Theanine, so I'll keep tracking the effect of this one until the end of the year.

Regarding social media, it's deleted from the phone but I access it from the laptop, since there is some info, events and conversations that are useful. 

Now it's time for a couple weeks with full-time job. On the side, I'm wrapping up a project. Otherwise, just keep focusing on myself, my needs and my health.

[Gladius]

L-Theanine is the real thing. Feels like Bradley Cooper in Limitless, at least for today.

It's been only 3 days but I'm feeling calm, focused, and energetic. I have been so productive today. Tweeted 5 times more than usual, applied to many jobs, and remembered details in conversations people were amazed of. And it has been specially powerful in the afternoon, combined with a coffee at work. I also have been reading a lot. It's almost 4 in the morning and I can't sleep though. I'll be careful in the following days, giving up coffee or hypericum instead. This is so much brain power I can't even handle it right now.

[Gladius]

The cycle is repeating. It's been quite stressful week at work. That means that, when I'm at home, I felt tired, depressed and lonely. In the weekend, it got worse, since I couldn't make up for it. A lot of negative thinking, resentment and victimism comes up in this situations, which just leaves me trapped on the couch.

After watching the "understanding survival" video, I had one of those insights that make my brain click. It's so hard to break from my identity, I really don't want to do it. Deep inside, I want to be the same sad victim guy. Even when things might change somehow, I manage to sabotage my goals and keep being the same guy. For instance, my family tries to make up for a shitty childhood, and when they get closer to me, resentment surfaces and I shut them off. That's serving me for being stuck to my identity. My mind is constantly sending me thoughts to be mad at myself or others. It's ridiculous. Years are going by.

I'm avoiding love all the time, because I never really felt it. I only chase it from unavailable people. And if by any chance it was about to happen, I end up blowing it up one way or another. And I'm afraid the self-help spyral I'm often inmersed in is not helping.  

I kinda knew this, but I need to remind myself over and over to let myself be happy once and for all. I can be fully functional just being aware of this. 

Let's keep tracking this for a week.

[studentofthegame]

It's good that you have had a clear insight into what is going on internally. That's empowering. In addition to re-parenting your inner kid and being liberal with self-compassion, i wonder whether some schema therapy would be useful. Might be worth exploring.

Keep up the good (hard) work ?

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Many thanks, pal. I had to look up this schema therapy, and it does resonate with me. My intention is to keep monitoring if "the shadow takes over" for a couple weeks, and then look for professional help if still necessary. Actually, I'll use your reply to write more about that.

Today, I've been reviewing this journal since the beginning almost 2 years ago. It has definitely changed a lot. I can see some progress in that. The pandemic has been a significant setback in terms of personal and professional development. I'm still readjusting, but I think I learned and grown quite a lot with it.

However, the initial spirit of this journal has been lost. I tend to focus too much on "spiritual" work. I'm still just a man with my Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and I'm forgetting about that. After some defeats in life, I stopped trying anymore, and I lost that healthy "competitive" spirit of youth, when I was so hungry for achieving goals. Even though the goals I was chasing in my twenties made no sense (looking from today's point of view), they made me travel around the world and live experiences I'm so grateful for.

This winter is still going to be all inner work and hustling. I guess it's not the best moment ever for traveling and living wild. This time will come soon though.

Fasten your seatbelt, relax, and enjoy the ride.

[Gladius]

I thought I posted last sunday but it didn't appear on the journal, so here it goes again.

The idea was tracking the mindset during all the week, and the outcome was positive. Even though I worked a lot of hours, I was aware of the "shadow" that tries to take over my mind every now and then. That avoided it and I was able to keep energy. 

However, that might be also L-Theanine kicking in. I feel also quite focused and relaxed through the day. It happened again to catch myself remembering certain details in conversation with people we were both amazed off.

This week, and the next one I have many days off work. The idea was to catch up with a few errands. The first two days a did a lot of stuff, and I had some burn-out syndrome after that. I also did some applications, calls and emails, and dated a girl. Sounds quite a lot, actually.

Also, since my creative projects are not making enough profit to live from that. I'm starting to wonder if studying something more "practical" so I can shift careers easier in 2021. This is a long term plan and there's no rush for it, but it's something to keep in mind.

These days I'll take it easy, chilling, socializing and taking good care of myself.

[Gladius]

This week I had much time off, but I need to remind that can be counterproductive sometimes. When I have too much time in my hands, I start overthinking and getting too much screen time. That creates a loop where I'm tired and unmotivated, so I end up in the couch again with my phone next too me.

This gets specially depressing when I don't have any inputs or feedback: No conversations on the phone, no replies from job applications, and no dating ongoing. Today I thought of fighting that by taking a nap, but it doesn't really help, because I'm aware that is just gonna make it difficult to sleep at night. 

The short-term solution for that has been to just get my ass up and do some freewriting. I wrote many pages and, surprisingly, that helped me clear my mind and get some motivation to be nice to myself. That reminds me to be aware every time I'm running out of batteries and take care of myself.

The long-term solution I'm totally sure is creating a career I can enjoy, that leads to connect better with myself and other people. All the things I'm doing are aligned to that goal.

[studentofthegame]

The issue about having too much time on your hands is a good one. And one that i'll reflect in my update as well.

'The devil makes work for idle hands'.

Still, it's all part of the learning process.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Yes, I think it's important to have a routine with good habits implemented, that's what I'm aiming for. 

[Gladius]

These last weeks I had both an interesting date, and an interesting job interview, so I guess I must be doing something right. Slow pace, but right direction. I'm still experiencing a lot of tension before these events, like I would be resisting to change so much. I need to be really mindful of that, in order to avoid self-sabotage like I did so many times in the past with both issues.

After solving the job issue, next one will be housing. 

So, yeah... Basically, I'll keep doing same stuff, always going back to simplifying and not getting myself in the way.