The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

Being aware of my own thoughts. It's essential to let go of many toxic thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. Often I get stuck on them, which leads me to neurosis, lower energy, and time wasting. A lot of time wasted. When one of these thoughts comes up, I can now spot it easily and I choose to avoid the ride. Being consistent with hypericum since April is helping to track some positive progress on my overall mood. 

To support these mindset, I wrote down some quotes that really resonate with me and I'm reading them a couple times a day. They literally feel so good when I read them out loud. It's about reminding myself to be on my own side. As simple as that.

[studentofthegame]

I like this approach to self-care. It seems to be about growing awareness / consciousness, and kindness to the self at all times, even when we veer off course which is inevitable from time to time.

And a healthy balance between reading and searching for information, real-life experiences 'in the trenches', and also pursuing creative goals and having fun. I think you are on the path for sure. Keep it up mate.

[Gladius]

Many thanks buddy. I'm focusing on having a healthy inner dialogue and seems things are slowly changing.

[Gladius]

No news on the outside.

I'm focusing on treating myself as my best friend. Every time I start rejecting myself I'm aware of that and shift the perspective. Every day I'm more on my own side. This is it.

When I feel down, I'm drinking water, stretching, writing, going for a walk, listening to music... I guess that's how it should be.

I was going to post about my parents, since I'm still feeling a lot of resentment towards them. However, I read similar posts on the forum and gave me some insight about this. I can use this feeling to understand where my faults are, so I can grow. I am using them to avoid working on myself. This is something I need to remind myself over and over.

Edited August 16, 2020 by Gladius
Problem solved

[Gladius]

Finally a few days off.

These last seven days I had to work a lot. This lowers my battery and my darkest side makes its appearance. A lot of anger and resentment comes up, it could be towards anyone. 

For example, I realized too many times I'm meeting friends on their terms. Thus, these last days I used this "anger " in a positive manner to stand up by myself, trying to be asertive.

However, I'm happy I caught myself in that victimism and negative thinking spyral, stopped it, and even use the energy.

Setting the difference between my old self and the new one is a priority at the moment.

 

[studentofthegame]

As you point out, tiredness (from overworking in your case) can lead to our conscious filter being down. I know in my case, this can lead to lower consciousness behaviours. Being very aware you are approaching or are in 'the red zone' can help mitigate, and as we've discussed in the past, gradually implementing healthy habits as our default when we are tired/stressed.

Any plans for your time off? 

Keep up the good work ?

[Gladius]

Exactly, that's why it's so important to take care of the self and keep good energy. I think Leo was right when he said "awareness alone is curative. I feel like with awareness I am removing layers of self-sabotage and toxic thoughts. After last week's comedown seems I had a breakthrough.

Actually I don't have any plans. None. But I do have energy to do things. It's noon time and I already have been to the gym, spent time on tinder, and so on. Everything is in pause, due to covid and holidays. I'll just focus on myself, keeping home tidy and clean, and go with the flow. In these situations, if I remain positive, usually some good ideas come up.

Thanks buddy!

[Gladius]

Again. It happened again. But this time I spotted it.

Every time, every single time things are somehow working out, I start feeling ill. Physically ill. It's like my body is saying "hey, you're not this guy, this is unknown, stay home". Literally. There's a slump and I end up on the couch, overthinking, just checking the phone, and exhausted. This self-sabotage actually avoided progress in my life in terms of dating, career, and so on. Being aware of it allows the lies to go through and catch my energy back.

It's not going to happen anymore. I got it. 

[Gladius]

Funny things happened last week. I'll try to explain this to myself here.

For the first time in my life, I have been responsible for casting members for a project. I realized how much my people pleasing habits are incredibly wired into my brain.  I can't believe how tough it was to say "no" and reject people, thus disappointing them. However, exploring this "dark side" of me has been really interesting and even healing. This experience has been essential to learn to shift the focus on myself and creating my own life unapologetically. I realized never before I took a real responsability, and now I'm really grateful I can grow my leadership skills. Besides, some friends have enthusiastically joined the project and that gave me more confidence I hope I can use from now on.

Other than that, I picked up meditation again. I forgot how beneficial  it is, so I'll try to make it a daily habit. This is gonna be difficult while I work shift time though, but I'm keeping it in mind.

My diet is quite clean except for sugar and carbohydrates. This is just something that can be improved easily when doing groceries.

Looking back, I believe I did some progress. I'm gonna pat myself on the back today. Cheers.

[studentofthegame]

Very positive  

Having read shapeshifter as we have discussed, you'll know that stepping out of our comfort zone to make creative pursuits a reality often presents a set of fears and challenges to overcome as part of the journey. People pleasing and saying 'no' is a challenge for many people, me included. It's a very worthwhile challenge to take on and the growth along the way can be as rewarding as the end product. I'm particularly inspired by this, because i have my own creative goals that i've yet to even make a start towards. Well done, keep us posted how it goes.

As you have mentioned, diet and meditation are two important tools in the box. Good to hear that you are looking to maintain them both. Sometimes i find it is easy to forget about the fundamentals when we are excited and swept up in a big project. They will be part of the foundation of everything we acheieve.

Looking forwards to the next update.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I'm proud of the way I am reparenting my inner child and how I have developed self-compassion. Whatever happens I'm always going back to taking care of myself, drinking water, breathing, and decluttering. There's much room to grow though.

[Gladius]

All these dreams of becoming a huge movie celebrity come hell or high water are obviously a way of compensating for the pain in my past. It's about time I accept this. It is ok to have ambitions, and I do believe there's some talent in there, but happiness (or peace of mind as I say) lies right in front of me, and it needs to be reminded every single second of the day, because I often forget. I had read this thousands of times, but I never really deeply understood or integrated.

Now I realised we only have the present, and we have the choice to play the cards we have been handled one way or another. That's it. There's nothing else. Forget about blame, guilt, hate, resentment and so on. All these negative emotions exist, they have a function so you can move on and let them go. 

While I will keep moving towards my goals, I truly understand now the big goal is in myself, every single time. There's nothing else. And actually, the more present I am the better things work out. The most important thing right now is taking action from a position of love and compassion for myself and others. Always think from where are you acting or talking. It feels I'm opening up again after many years closed. It sounds supercheesy but I can literally feel my heart opening up.

I had this insight yesterday while riding the bike and almost forgot to write it. I'm pretty sure it must be the consistency with hypericum, because last months the number of insights is massive. 

However, if stories are about pain, I can tell some of those.

[Gladius]

Another insight I had this week: Body shape is essential for my mood. I had watched many things like the famous ted talk of "your body language shapes who you are" but, again, I never truly integrated that into my daily life. I'm becoming aware that many times when I enter the "unaware mode" (driving, working, checking the phone, etc) I adopt a terrible kyphosis, which gets even worse since I'm very tall. Until now, I kept my back healthy thanks to my exercise habit. However, being mindful of that allows me to just pull my chest out and relax my shoulders. That automatically creates a mood shift in my mind, and even some old memories or emotions have been released, like small flashbacks, if that makes sense.  

Talking about childhood with someone, I also realized I want to become the adult I never had back then, which I'm doing for my nephew.

Coincidence or not, this week I have met truly amazing creative people. I'm starting to believe all this shadow work might pay off. 

For the time being, keeping meditation, healthy diet, and taking care of my own needs. That's it.

Cheers.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

Really positive. I can relate to a lot of that.

Having spent some good time and effort on your healing / personal development, what practises would you say you have found the most effective so far?

Keep it up 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame That's a good question. I think it was just the idea of taking care of myself first, stopping the victim mindset, and putting an effort on being aware. I only have been really consistent on exercise, hypericum, pretty healthy diet and good sleep. Since the quarantine I also cut off some friendships that didn't really work. Even though it was tough in the beginning, that made room for better people and better things to happen. That brought a lot of energy as well. As you know I also read many books, watched youtube videos, and did some therapy.

Oh, and meditation, of course

[studentofthegame]

Thanks man. It's always good to hear what is working. I think we are on a similar path - though i have not yet tried meditation with any consistency. But when I do, I will keep it simple. That is the key i find ?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Sure, keeping things simple and having fun. That's what life is about, I think.

[Gladius]

Really good test this week for my inner good momentum.

A partner made a huge terrible mistake that spoiled a lot of resources for my current project, and made me postpone it or maybe cancel it. So far, I believe I managed to forgive myself as much as necessary, but I still struggle to forgive others. I also need to decide if I keep trusting this person from now on, or I make a change in the team.

Yesterday, when I got home after the disaster, I only came up with putting on my training shoes and start running. It's been years since I have run so much. Today I have been swimming and I'm much better, and just pondering solutions.

I also got the news a young cousin of mine died of overdrinking. That made me think what kind of story I want to be in.

Moving forward. 

[Gladius]

Getting out pretty fast from the pit I fell last week, just by taking good care of myself and my needs. I think my inner dialogue is quite healthy at the moment, I forgive myself easily for mistakes and my energy level is 8/10. My goals are clear and I firmly believe good things are coming.

However...

There's something missing before going back to my best natural self. I'm not having real fun. That's something women sense and they have even told me directly. I take life too seriously. I've noticed men more chilled have way more success in that sense, specially using drugs like weed or LSD.

I relate to this with that Simpsons episode when Homer has an overachiever coworker, Frank Grimes. The guy gets pissed because Homer, who is an idiot, has everything he wants, and by the end of the episode he is dead.

I'll remind myself to be more like Homer every now and then.

[studentofthegame]

I can relate. I often find myself comparing others favourably to me in certain situations. 'They are more light hearted than me'... 'they laugh more than me'... 'they don't worry as much as me'... etc.

We all have our own personalities and natural rythms. I suspect i spend too much time mentally in the past and future, and the key is to practise being fully present in the moment. And making sure the parts of us that want to worry about the past and future are acknowledged and taken care of