The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Actually, I googled "Love what is" and there is a free pdf summing up the most important ideas from the book. It was powerful, but I don't think I'm going through the full book at the moment. After "Shadow dance", I already have at home "Taming your gremlin" and "The Sedona method" which I'm looking forward to read. About the job, sure, it's not easy... The only thing I'm demanding myself is to do something that gets me closer to my goals. 

[studentofthegame]

Will be interesting to see the results, both from the byron katie work and the sedona method. Finding something that clicks can be a game changer

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame both of those books have a similar approach. In the end, it all comes to release toxic thoughts and limiting beliefs. I'm loving the Sedona Method so far, it resonates with me and it's really clicking.

[Gladius]

This days I'm calmer. All the healthy habits are starting to pay off.

- Daily yoga (around 30 minutes) since quarantine started.

- Reading books from Leo's list. The Sedona Method has really clicked, I love that mindset and the way of letting go toxic emotions.

- Started a couple of creative projects, which allow me to connect with likeminded people and have a brighter future.

- Paying attention to the nootropics forum. I ordered a tin of rhodiola, as I it could be useful for me. I don't feel anything in particular, but I am in a good mood lately.

- A friend of mine introduced me a girl to date with. It was nice, but it's over. As I talked with her, it's all about vibration.

So that's the goal: aiming to vibrate higher now!

Stay safe!

[Gladius]

Key points last week:

- Already read "Taming your gremlin". I enjoyed it, and learned to just breath when things get ugly. Now I started the "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, and after that "Into Africa". I'm done with emotional mastery books.

- Stuck to the habit of yoga and loving it. Adriene is literally changing my life, my body and the way I talk to myself. Did a couple of "30 days yoga challenge", and also doing random videos in between. 

- As a result of this, I faced my parents with an assertive deep conversation about our past. I do feel I was abused / mistreated, and I needed to share that with them. I also talked to my sister, since she had been ignorant (purposely or not). They need to know why I have been passive-agressive with them. Being honest is healthier for me and for the family. It does feel good. Again, I'm being really, really, assertive here, and proud of it, not blaming anyone. I'm sick and tired of the victim role, I just want to keep going on with my life and try to be more of myself.

- I'm not setting any more harsh goals for the time being. I'm focused on reading, healing myself and my relationships. As i said last post, I just want to vibrate higher. I think I'm doing pretty, pretty good, as Larry David says.

Edited June 15, 2020 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

That sounds very positive mate. It seems you have made serious progress during lockdown which is encouraging as it shows what you can do when your back is against the wall in many respects. I have found the same thing, but i wonder what it is about lockdown that i found liberating and enabled me to do things i have never managed to do before.

That last bullet point applies to me very much right now. Harsh goals for me now would be counterproductive. I have been achieving my goals during lockdown without anything too rigid and with a lot of self-compassion.

Keep it up.

[Gladius]

The main challenge as I've been stating last months is still I feel overwhelmed by work. I've been applying to part-time jobs but still no luck.

Sometimes I feel like quitting, because the stress is not worth it. I saved enough money to survive more than a year with no income worst case scenario. Then I could use the time to learn new skills, create, and network.

But then I immediately talk myself out of it. In the past I already was unemployed at home all day long by myself  and applying for jobs and it didn't work well for me. When I was hired, I felt relieved and it gave me a boost of confidence. 

Besides, I'm making small progress with some projects on the side, although it feels so slow. If this goes on for a few more weeks, I'll definitely make the leap. I lacked patience in the past and I won't make the same mistake.

Otherwise, yoga, reading, connecting again with family and healthy friends. 

[Gladius]

Started writing this post from a really catastrophic mindset but refused to fall into that, so I deleted and started over.

Side projects did not work. This makes me wonder many things and I feel confusion about the direction of my life. That's ok.

Going back to basics: Focusing on my body, my health, and my needs, and being grateful for all the many things I do have and the people who care.

Furthermore, there's something in my mind I think about it more that I'd like. There are some friendships I tagged as "toxic" which I let die during this lockdown. On the one hand, I feel like doing the right thing. Meeting these guys left me drained after every interaction. On the other, they are long time friends who were always there and I can't help to feel guilt.

There's one of the old videos where Leo recommends to be "more of an asshole, and don't worry cause you won't go overboard". That ressonates.

[studentofthegame]

I can relate to a lot of that. I have old mates who i will always consider friends and have a lot of love for. But i can only be around them sparingly (or on my terms) because i can come away feeling drained.

As for your side projects, setbacks can be like the weights on the bar you need to lift. Growth and progress comes through meeting resistance... but... it's also sometimes the case that we cut our losses and move onto something else. I'm sure you will use your intuition to decide. 

I have found with some things i am stuck on to look for the essence of what i am trying to do or achieve, simplify the process and don't waste time on the fluff. For example in the gym... a couple of compound lifts is going to give me the vast majority of results, and im not going to be overwhelmed and put off knowing i need to go and do loads of different lifts. 

Back to basics is always the way. I need to go back to basics, i have started to drift away. I like the analogy of a rocket sent to space. It is by default veering off course once it is in the air, and is managed by constant small corrections. 

Apologies, this way far lengthier than i intended originally!!

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I also tried to keep those friendships in touch from time to time, but I realised I ended up with a huge list of contacts who I need to "please" eventually. Maybe I went too far on that, because I've been feeling quite isolated lately.

My intuition is telling me to be fearless, quit my job, don't look back, and use the savings, time and energy to create a different life once and for all. The resistance to do that is incredibly huge.

Loving the length, the point of this open journal is to have this kind of conversations. Thanks again.

[studentofthegame]

I'm sure i've probably mentioned it before, but the book 'shapeshifter' by geoff thompson might help you with your transition into new jobs and projects. It covers how to do that, step by step, and is honest about what it takes and what resistance you will encounter. It was powerful for me because i was already familiar with geoff's life and work, so i know that it wasn't fluff, but written by a man who was living it  A giant of a man, inspirational and authentic.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Yes, you did mention that book. I'll look it up then. I feel I'm stuck in this loop for so much time I don't know how to get out. Thanks mate.

[Gladius]

Feeling good vibrations lately. Work load has decreased, which means less stress and more time and energy for myself.

Reading "Shape Shifter" by Geoff Thompson, as recommended by @studentofthegame. One of the most inspirational books I've read. So far, the biggest lesson I get from it is priorizing health. I need to remind this to myself over and over again. Taking care of the self is the very first priority of anyone's life. I loved the concept of "healthy selfishness".

My intention for the next week is to shift more into that. 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius glad to hear you got that book ? he is one of the most inspirational people i have come across. I trained with him and one of his schools in the midlands for 6 months and it was great just to be around him. A very authentic man, i recommend you read into his background as well. You are right, he puts across health and 'palate' as the foundation for everything we want to build. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Already finished the book. I'll probably read it again eventually, every word is so inspirational. I also watched his short film "Bouncer", nominated for a BAFTA. It must have been a great experience training with this guy! Motivation is contagious.

[Gladius]

Starting two weeks off work now. Using this time to rest and reorganize ideas in my head. I also have some quick trip plans with friends.

Since lockdown finished, I found myself in a couple funny situations where I did not recognize myself. In a situation of comfortable intimacy, I might say or do something that can come across as agressive or offensive. I tried to apologize, but in a certain group of people it did affected the relationship. It's ok, I learned about it, and I have a lot of compassion for myself now and accept those kind of things. I'm just wondering there might be some repressed anger somewhere. That's why I'm cultivating assertiveness and self-assertiveness, to avoid acting nice guy until I have a chance to blow up.

I also started dating someone. I can't help feeling a lot of social pressure to have a partner, and I also kind of want it, although I wouldn't say I'm madly in love at the moment.

I'll take it one day at a time.

[Gladius]

One week to go back to work.

It happened again, good thing I'm figuring out this pattern. Once I am emotionally close to someone, I feel the need of dumping onto her a lot of baggage. This causes tension and I guess is a big contribution on her losing interest. However, I'm quite happy because I'm getting further before this happens, and I'm pretty confident I'm going to do better next time. The truth will set you free, as someone said.

Furthermore, social circle is getting better and healthier as I am more honest and mindful of my thoughts, my habits and my words. 

The focus now is health (in all aspects) and taking care of those I really care.

[studentofthegame]

Your insights into your psych are becoming very clear which is good. Do you do any writing / journaling away from this page? I'm wondering 1. if journaling is a tool to help get these insights and 2. if a journal helps you to keep track of them and focus on them.

I had a moment of clarity a week or so ago, a very subtle but significant take on an issue i am dealing with, and i wish i'd written it down. The fine nuance of the insight was startling.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Many thanks buddy. This is the only journaling I'm doing at the moment. In the past I spent too much time absorbed in self-help material and I decided to take more action. In the end, I learned way more from experience than from reading. However, this journal (and of course your replies) are really helpful to get these insights and to keep track of the promising progress that is happening. 

[Gladius]

A word I need to remind to myself constantly is "organic". I tend to force things, either relationships, jobs or projects, and forcing usually doesn't bring anything good. If I ever get a tattoo it should be that concept somehow.

A few weeks ago I got organically cast as a protagonist for a short film. I wasn't looking for that but it happened. I was euphoric. I learned all the dialogues until I could repeat them while cooking.

Just a few hours before the shooting, it was cancelled because of covid. I have to say a part of me was relieved from the pressure of perfection, but I'm also sad to delay something beautiful that was about to happen for once. 

Since I have now three more days off, I will use them to work on myself to be closer to my personal and professional goals. Organically, of course.