The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

This is a holidays week. I'm in a small dutch city just to visit this girl I have a crush on. Spent a lot of money in flights and hotel. However, I'm leaving on Thursday and now trying to make the most out of it. 

My first priority must be to find a job I don't feel so discomfortable with. Therefore, I'm gonna spend at least 30 minutes daily in job searching.

First ten minutes of the day will be to express gratitude. 

Have a nice day!

 

 

[studentofthegame]

Sounds like a belting trip! Are you in the uk?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Nope, I was in the Netherlands!

[Gladius]

Second week off work. I'm using it to visit my small nephew, going to the gim, hanging out with friends, and making some progress in my writing career. According to the academy, I should get an internship soon, so for the time being I'm not spending time looking for a job.

I'm still taking hypericum. It was Ok without it, but I do feel a certain lack of energy through the day if I don't take it. I'm going to use it until there are some changes in my life that reflect my inner state. I feel that's slowly happening.

- Waking up to gratitude affirmations.

 I'm also trying to be more gentle with myself, so for this week this is enough

Have a nice day!

[Gladius]

Looks like when I remove every distraction, the only and real issue I got is my inner critic. My intention this week will be being really aware of that, let him talk and not paying any attention.

Otherwise, I'm going to the gym, eating healthy, looking for a better job and being more compassionate. I do feel lonely sometimes, so I'll try also to be aware of my relationships with those around me.

 

 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius loneliness is a funny thing sometimes. It's an old cliche but i can feel lonely in a room full of people. Possibly while feeling overwhelmed at the same time.

Also i'm finding that being on a path of self-improvement can be a lonely experience. At the same time, you will meet like minded people as a byproduct. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Yeah sure, I actually kinda like it to be by myself sometimes and see how I really feel inside. I do have connected with different people, I have "healthier" friends than one year ago and also understanding women better.

 

 

[Gladius]

Last few days have been rough. I've been rejected from relationships and job applications at the same time. My conclusion is I need to apply self-love and take care of myself. Even though I pretend I'm over it, when it comes to the moments that matter I'm still so needy. So damn needy. For some reason I need everyone's approval.

However, I'm happy I'm aware of that. I let the "negative" emotions that came from rejection flow and learned from it. Nothing really happened, I'm still here. I do see some progress in the last months and I'm confident everything's going to be fine.

The only reminder this week is to keep taking care of myself, in all aspects.

Have a nice day!

[studentofthegame]

Sorry to hear you had a rough few days. I think you are right to feel and process the emotions and not to smother them with a blanket, whether it be alcohol or whatever. And when you have done that, then self-love is next, as you say. 

Sometimes we know what we have to do but it's hard, there's resistance, or we lose a bit of faith in what works. Sometimes it's good tp talk to people close to us for a little boost. Sometimes we have to take it a day, or even an hour at a time. Set backs can be very difficult.

I can relate at the moment and am going through a rough spell. I'll talk about it over in my journal this week. Even the thought of writing about it has been causing me even more anxiety than i've already been feeling. As usual, i think i need to go back to basics. Have i been eating, sleeping and exercising right? Definitely not. It's tricky that sometimes these very things that we need the most are the most difficult things to do when we are down. I am going to take hypericum pills for two months to see if it helps with some of the low-level depression and anxiety ( i know you have had some results with this herb ).

Hope things pick back up soon man. Keep it up

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame  Exactly, I'm learning also to soothe myself in different ways. I'm bouncing back faster from setbacks, and learning in the process. I'd say I'm back in the game now.

I'm glad to hear you're gonna try hypericum. Give it a few weeks taking a couple pills consistently in the morning and keep tracking your mood. 

Many thanks for your comments and support, I really apreciate it, buddy. I know what you're talking about regarding fear of writing it. Sometimes it feels like your going over again and you just want to move over. However, I think a journal like this helps putting things in perspective. Take care.

 

[Gladius]

Feeling better than last update. I tried to be really aware of my emotions, and let them be. I have also been really careful with my self-talk and always bringing it to my own side. Last days, new opportunities and ideas came up. 

My long term goal is the same. Looking for a part-time job which I enjoy and it gives me room to work in my creative projects and financial freedom. 

This week I'm going to take it easy. No rules or new habits. I'm feeling healthy and progressing. Just keeping it up.

Have a nice day!

 

[Gladius]

I'm pre-selected for a part-time job absolutely different to what I'm currently doing.

That's what I have been looking for for the last months and now that I almost have it, a lot of resistance is coming up. My income will reduce dramatically, at least in the beginning. My hopes are to recover passion and enthusiasm into my life, and that can lead me to better opportunities. If what we are doing on a daily basis is what makes our life, then this soul-crushing job is not for me. I need a change. Many friends and family can't understand it. For once, I will follow my intuition. I never did. It's about time. F*ck it.

Have a nice day!

[studentofthegame]

Brave move mate. But you are carving your own path and sometimes resistance is a sign that you are on the right path. Some suggested reading - geoff thompson, particularly the book shapeshifter. Looking forward to seeing further updates.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Many thanks buddy, really appreciate it! I'll add that book to the list. Just got "The body keeps the score" by the way. I'll be updating about it all as usual.

[Gladius]

This week I have days off work until Saturday. My intention is to not live in my head and just take action in whatever I want to do. Too often, I get caught in an overthinking loop and time flies by. I almost forgot which things make me enjoy fully the moment like when I was a kid. Trying to reconnect with that.

I passed the first stage of the application process for the new job, and this Friday is the second one. The whole thing could take weeks. Meanwhile, I'm keeping my current job, writing stuff, and hanging out with friends. 

This week I read "Autoboicot" by Bernardo Stamateas. This book really resonated with me, since this is something I've been dealing with most of my life. Now reading "Man's search for meaning" by Victor Frankl, also lifechanging. The resentment I've been feeling for a long time it's disappearing.

Regarding women, I'm aware where my neediness is coming from. I realized my first reaction in every interaction (men and women) is totally people-pleaser. If I have time to think about it, then I can take more convenient decisions. Learning also from that.

Overall, and looking back one year or more, I'd say I overcame most of my worst PTSD symptoms. This progress is making me confident that good things are going to happen from now on.

Have a nice day!

 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Good luck with the selection process for the new job. Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

I can relate to people-pleasing tendencies. It's a legitimate illness / addiction. Awareness of it is important, and you have that.

Congratulations on making good progress on overcoming your ptsd symptoms. What would you say were the most useful methods for doing so?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Many thanks! I'd say the turning point of my recovery was running into a good therapist who finally diagnosed CPTSD. The other sessions I did with her helped as well, and that led me to find more material, specially Pete Walker's books (which I saw in your journal!). I had many juicy"aha moments" from those. 

[Gladius]

Updating again this week because of this huge pandemic crisis. I guess no one is glad with this situation, but it's been specially frustrating to me since I had good momentum going on. I was almost finally hired by another company. 

I'm just writing it here because it makes me aware. When things go wrong, I'm adopting a victim mindset really fast. Dropping that is actually a relief. 

Have a nice day and stay home!

[Gladius]

The quarantine has started but I still have to work, so not much has changed for me. Learning a lot of patience, self-care and emotional management. I decided to give up hypericum these days. I think I built up enough mental strength last year. Many things that triggered me a few months ago, they won't do it anymore. I just want to be fully myself again.

We all can learn a lot from this situation: valuing our health, being more compassionate, enjoying the moment and so on and so forth. Letting go a little bit more.

Have a nice day and stay safe!

[studentofthegame]

How is the work situation? Still having to travel into work?

You are right, there is a lot to learn from the current situation and plenty of room for growth. 

Also an opportunity to enjoy our spare time and maybe learn a new skill.

Stay well pal.