The Dark Knight Rises

[Zigzag Idiot]

2 hours ago, Gladius said:

Meditation: Haven't skipped a single day since last december.

That's great!  You seem to have a positive momentum going.

I appreciate the honest objective tone of your Journal. ??

[studentofthegame]

4 hours ago, Gladius said:

Goals update:

Meditation: Haven't skipped a single day since last december.

NoFap: I can't help to do it when I'm having hard time sleeping, so need to work on that one. It definitely messes with my energy.

Phone addiction: Still finding excuses to check it too often. 

Right now my highest priority though is to shift careers. My current job is well paid but stresses me a lot. Even though I have free time, I spend most of it just couch binging, sine I have no energy left. I'm working on that and I do believe it will be possible in September / October, but it's gonna be a long summer.

 

 

I know how the sentiment 'it's going to be a long summer' feels. i'm in the same boat.

I like the model you have going in your journal of focusing on 3 areas. it seems ambitious but also manageable. they are three areas that I should also be paying attention to, because I also have issues with all 3. So your journal is an inspiration mate.

[Gladius]

@Zigzag Idiot thank you sir. Yes, I managed to incorporate a meditation habit, this has been huge to me.

 

@studentofthegame Yeah, my intention was to at least develope the meditation habit, and bring awareness on a couple "addictions". I'm following you as well buddy, sure it's inspiring to know I'm not alone in this journey. We got it.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. appreciate it. Will update later.

[Gladius]

Here I go again.

- Meditation habit is definitely integrated in my life. I'll cross it out from the list and consider it a huge success, meaning I spend 15 minutes every single day sitting with myself and observing my mind. 

From now on I'll just focus in the other two until they are in control:

- NoFap: Still relapsing too often. I spend days not thinking about it. The problem arise when I have an upcoming date or I anticipate sex somehow. Then I feel the urge and I usually fall for it, which is totally counterproductive. That's why I want to be more in control of this. Porn is out of my life for a month now though and keeping it that way.

- Phone addiction: I can still find myself idle scrolling on social media, but I think I'm not wasting as much time as before. Besides, most of this time I'm just being active on Twitter, at least pushing a bit of creativity there. However, my goal is to avoid my constantly checking on the phone and use it only when necessary.

Keep moving forward!

See you in June!

 

[Gladius]

Format change: 

I'm considering the previous 3 goals outdated. Of course I could relapse, but my awareness since I started is higher and I prefer to use this journal to reflect bigger aspects of my life. I do feel I'm gaining control of my mind. It's been a slow process but worth it.

Maybe it's because I had a long lunch with a good old friend, but I feel energized and optimistic today. My challenge for this week will be simply to act more and think less. Living in my head caused so much trouble you guys can't even imagine. It's turn to change the game.

 

[studentofthegame]

hi man.

I might have asked this already, but how do you meditate? mantra, follow your breath, or something else?

[Gladius]

Hey buddy! I just follow my breath and observe my thoughts until there is not anymore. I'm not sure how this is called. Do nothing maybe? If I have time in the morning I just play a guided meditation from youtube.

[studentofthegame]

So as I understand it, you focus your attention on your breath, observe thoughts as they appear then re-focus on your breath.... and repeat throughout the session?

I'm playing around with a breathing app used by deep sea divers to increase lung capacity. It is my gateway into meditation.

[Gladius]

5 hours ago, studentofthegame said:

So as I understand it, you focus your attention on your breath, observe thoughts as they appear then re-focus on your breath.... and repeat throughout the session? Yeah. After a few minutes I usually managed to keep my mind blank. Then I feel like a mild tickling in my parietals. I assume that's the state you wanna reach

I'm playing around with a breathing app used by deep sea divers to increase lung capacity. It is my gateway into meditation. Cool, do that. Worst case scenario you will end up with incredible lung capacity

 

Edited June 10, 2019 by Gladius

[Gladius]

I'm feeling quite optimistic lately. Summer has started, I'm almost done with my screenwriting course and I had some "ahà" moments that changed my mindset. My mission now is just to mantain this momentum. 

At the same time, I've been faced with some decisions lately and I chose using my intuition but also from a position of love and compassion, things never factored in before. I'm starting to believe change is possible.

This is the mood this week:

 

[Mind of a beast]

@Gladius Hi, you have inspired me by following strict regimen. I have questions though if you don’t mind ...did you quit your job? And what’s your life purpose? 

Thanks in advance.

Edited June 13, 2019 by Mind of a beast

[Gladius]

@Mind of a beast Thank you! My life purpose is screenwriting, and my current job has absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope, I didn't quit yet. Even though I hate it, I decided to stop whining and working hard until I could find a more creative job. I learned to accept the situation, and see the value in it: I'm saving money and keep being a man in demand. In the past I quit jobs with no alternative other than staying at home and it didn't work for me. Change must come gradually.

[Gladius]

I had to take a decision this week. One of my struggles is with relationships.

Last week I met a girl in a party, there were good vibrations and we end up kissing. She is from another town. We talked about meeting again and on Saturday I'm making a 3 hours train trip to spend the night with her. My main concern is if I'm wasting time, since I'm not 100% sure of this relationship.

[studentofthegame]

Good luck with that mate. Hope it goes well.

I wouldn't think you would be 100% sure after one or two dates with her. I have been seeing a girl for a matter of weeks now and it's a definite feeling out process. We agreed to slowly get to know each other and there's been no discussion about when and if we should make it official and be bf/gf. I hope it happens, but if it doesn't, then I won't consider her a waste of time. it's all experience

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy! Really appreciate it. I don't think she's the one, but it definitely was a fun weekend, we learned from each other and we could be good friends at least. 

[Gladius]

Weekly recap of my "inspirational" journey:

I'm horny. Really horny lately. I assume it's caused by a combination of factors: things are (slowly) kinda working out, summer's here, hypericum pills, NoFap challenge...

I realized I need to calm down when these feelings arise. If I relapse and fap compulsively, I do pay the price later on with a huge energy and motivation downfall. Therefore, I'll be more aware on that from now on.

Otherwise, I feel confident about the future. I'm getting to know myself more and more. I'm avoiding old overthinking patterns. I'm acting more and complaining less. I take responsability for my mistakes and act upon that. There are still some things to improve, but I'm more and more comfortable in my own skin either way. My relationships are getting better and better.

I might even think I'm happy and don't even know it... 

[Gladius]

Even though apparently it could seem everything is working out, below the surface I'm still feeling anxiety on a daily basis. After talking with a good friend, I decided to try therapy and see how it turns out. I do feel I have improved a lot over the last years just using the internet to google what was wrong, but the progression is too slow compared with a lifetime. 

[studentofthegame]

What sort of therapy are you looking to do?

I try to limit how much I 'interrupt' your journaling, but I think we might be on similar paths, so I tend to have these questions!

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Sure, I'm closely following you as well. Don't worry my friend, this is the point of this public journal, and I do appreciate any comment, question or feedback.

She's a Gestalt therapist. I've never tried before but her website resonates with my current feelings and expectations, so I'll give it a shot. I decided to do that after a conversation with a friend who does therapy. I'm actually feeling pretty good lately as I said in other posts... I guess I wouldn't dare to have done this up until now.

I'm starting on Friday so I'll update here later on.