The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

Changing big stuff in your life threatens the very core of your identity. You run out of excuses and there's nothing else to blame but you, looking directly into the void. No wonder why it's so difficult and people avoid it. It feels like having to adapt to being a different human being.

Even though this last year I could achieve many goals, sometimes I catch my mind throwing more reasons to remain victim and negative. Every one of these times I remind myself how lucky I am and all the progress and healing made lately.

The main issue now is an interesting professional challenge that came up. I might never have a chance like this again, so I need to put all my heart on this one. It's more pressure than I need right now, but it's worth to give it a go. 

Other than that, steady as she goes.

[studentofthegame]

Good luck with the professional challenge my friend and remember if it is throwing up fear and doubt then there is growth on offer. 'No growth in comfort'.

Looking forward to hearing how it goes.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks buddy! Love that quote. I'm going to write about it. Hope you're doing great!

[Gladius]

Life is getting definitely easier.

According to van der Kolk, the essence of trauma is dissociation. That's been one of my mantras, since I've been struggling a lot with it. One of the keys of this recovery is becoming more selfish, and that is drastically reducing dissociation.

As time goes by, I get rid of absurd relationships and commitments in which I got involved in the past. When I didn't set boundaries, I would meet people I don't like and get carried away into projects that didn't make sense. 

My attempts to make a Hollywood-like huge impact were part of that. I was trying to overcompensate. That's why I put so much pressure on myself, and ended up frustrated when big stuff was not happening.

However.

Those attempts did create a good network of contacts and a portfolio that apparently it's not that bad. I won't completely throw that away for the time being. That can be a nice hobby - part time job which is quite cool and rewarding if managed properly. Therefore, that will still be part of my life in a more organic way.

I'm loving my main job now, so the pressure has reduced. The goal is to keep the boat steady. The following months look promising, and I didn't had that feeling for a long time.

[Gladius]

Progress in terms of health, mental and emotional, is non-linear although steady. There have been a couple of external bumps these last weeks, but overall I'm still keeping a good track of exercise, energy and peace. Every time I feel out of balance, I just shift the focus on myself again. 

Cutting off "toxic" people is something that felt counterintuitive at first, but it's been proved as essential to take care of myself. In that sense, a good recommendation is the "selfhealers" podcast by Nicole Lepera (and her book).

In the end, it's all about being aware as much as possible to make the right choice for our future self.

[Gladius]

Something has been off these last weeks, and I'm not sure what. It feels like a plateau.

Even though huge changes have been applied to my life, I can't seem to have my whole energy back. I changed careers, cut off many people, and going all the way with my gut. I'm wondering if I'm not facing the real problem here. Lately, some ancient family issues have arised, and in the next upcoming weeks I'm tackling them. Apparently, a byproduct of doing the work is that buried emotions like anger and resentment come up decades later. It's ugly, but it needs to be dealt with.

I'm also starting to get worried about finding the right partner. I always end up either rejecting those who like me, or the other way around. It's probably something else to be adressed.

Meanwhile, enjoying the new job, eating quite healthy, being lazy sometimes, and just having a little patience, I guess.

[Gladius]

Truth usually sucks, but it's the only way we can identify problems and apply solutions.

My fear of conflict is still there. I need to remind that myself, because it keeps me stuck in a loop where I defeat myself all the time, and also in front of other people. Of course it's more subtle than years ago, but it's still there. And it starts with some family issues.

This quote from a brilliant article in "the mighty" really ressonated:

Healing trauma is a monumental undertaking and not something that happens overnight. Often the last things to change are the ways in which we respond to others in the moment. When your trauma occurs in connection to others, the anecdote is healing through connection with others, which will inevitably involve some conflict.

I'll be digging into that.

[Gladius]

Yes, it was about confrontation all along. I used to think I didn't give an f. Well, spoiler alert, I did.

My only goal right now is to listen to that inner something telling me stuff to say or do, and say it or do it right away. That's probably what people call trusting myself.

[Gladius]

Many interesting things are happening on June. This month will be intense. Career-wise, the direction I will be taking in the upcoming future (and probably rest of my life) will be finally and definitely settled.

On a personal level, some ancient family dynamics are being tested. There will be big events in that sense. 

Considering that, the best thing I can do is, again, reminding myself of taking good care of my health to endure whatever life brings.

Cheers.

[studentofthegame]

Sounds as if it has been an interesting few months with some challenges for you. As you say, progress is always non-linear and we will have bumps / challenges in the road. 

The quote about trauma rings very true. It's in the moment that we can slip up. Also when we are stressed or tired. Incidentally I have heard that a meditation practise can make us less reactive in the moment and give us a small moment to pause and choose our reactions. 

Sounds as if there is some important things happening career wise for you... prepare well and good luck! It's been good to catch up on your updates.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thanks mate, it's great hearing from you and your wise replies. 100% nailed it as usual.

[Gladius]

As I promised myself, this year would be a "go with the flow" one, since 2021 took huge effort and pressure to change my life for good. However, I need to remind this over and over because I feel the need too often to take action.

Career-wise, finally I'm more confident than ever of the path I'm currently following, and things are working out.

On a personal level, it feels like the change is happening at a different speed. After getting rid of many habits, emotions and thought patterns, I came upon a whole new level of stuff that needed to be addressed. 

Lately, I'm unsubscribing of many self-help channels and accounts I had been following over the last years. The intention is to slowly get rid of this "victim" identity and becoming totally responsible of my life and the decisions I take. For that reason, I refuse to do any more therapy or consultation for the time being.

Other than that, steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

Things have been quite smooth lately. There is a new insight in my mind I want to remind myself about. It might seem basic but I forget this stuff easily.

A mistake I have been making often in my life is going out of my way so much, in order to chase some unattainable fantasy (new career, gorgeous woman, fancy lifestyle...). This need to run away caused so much frustration and pain every time, resulting in even further energy wasted to change the situation. No wonder I have been exhausted since many years ago.

It's feels counterintuitive to me to avoid such extra efforts, instead of taking it easy and enjoy the ride. It took a lot of time to adjust expectations and live life as it comes. As I'm learning this, it feels good to just chill and focusing in taking care of myself.

This is important as I'm facing now a few weeks of holidays and need to decide exactly what to do with them.

Again, going with the flow is the motto. 

[Gladius]

Summer break is working wonders. Finally, I got real time on my hands to process all (positive) changes made during the last year. My body is tuning in and feeling the energy to take on bigger challenges, both physically and mentally. Occasionally, I still slip up, forgetting about taking care of myself. In these situations, I just need to remind myself to meet my needs over and over again, and move on.

Actually on September I'm back to work, increasing number of hours. I'm looking forward to have a nice routine with a cool job and still time for my stuff The goal is simply to get there in the best shape posible.  

Other than that, steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

This week I've been back to work. Lately the devil was making work for my idle hands, so it feels good to be productive again. At this point, I can't complain about my life. I am way more healthy and balanced than a year ago. Some old memories and feelings surface every now and then, but it's nothing I can manage on my own.

For the time being, I'll keep going with the flow.

[Gladius]

There are not many changes to write down these days, but in this scenario, no news are good news. 

I've been maintaining a good energy level during the last month. Every now and then some emotional flashbacks bubble up, although I'm becoming a pro at handling those. I consider it a byproduct of unlocking the life I want to create.

The only thing I need to remind myself over and over is to meet my needs and go with the flow.

[Gladius]

It's been several months since the worst stressors have been removed from my life and it feels great. I have also been working on processing trauma and decompressing my nervous system. That means I have more energy in my hands and I'm not sure what to do with it. My next goal is to find a long-term relationship. However, I feel the need to update a bit my social skills and catch up with my dating life. Therefore, these last weeks it's all about women, which has been one of my biggest issues throughout my life. Actually, it's probably "the last frontier". Every other aspect of my life is now more or less handled: Health, career, finance, friends, family... 

As I said, I'll go with the flow at least until the end of the year. 

[Gladius]

The emotional outburst of these last weeks is completely understandable. So many repressed emotions over decades are now being released at once. I might be growing quickly, because I'm overcoming behaviours and relationships from the last month that look embarrassing now. It's part of the journey and it makes me even more confident about the future.

 

 

[Gladius]

This is one of the periods of longest emotional stability since I can remember. I'm feeling healthy and grounded, which was the initial goal of this journal.

The motto these last weeks has been ·what I call "cleaning out cheap dopamine from my life". I realised I had been stuck in a loop of social media, food, drink,  porn, etc. The root cause of this addiction has already been dealt with. Now the intention is to change this behaviours, so I have more energy for stuff that matters. From my experience, I know you can't become a monk overnight, so the approach will be way softer this time.

Steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

The work is not over. Self-sabotage is still present in my life. When I'm almost there, my body freezes and my mind tells me to go home. Tonight, learned helplessness made its appearance. 

It's tough, but the only thing to do is to take note, be aware and move forward.