How to be Assertive (Click)

[Mezanti]

the title sums up what im about to ask you.

I believe that being assertive is important, in the way that you can set up boundaries  that really help put in place the structure of what ever it is your working on.

Life or business or friendship.. the list is endless.

But i find that it is tension creating when i attempt to do such a thing, and  i always have a counter argument that suggests that being assertive is wrong and that people should be treated nicely. 

I however don't like this aspect with in me because often it is that i end up feeling used and or resentful.

How could i be more assertive, without guilt, without hesitation, without tension?

Share your thots.

Edited November 30, 2018 by Mezanti

[purerogue]

This is very complicated matter, that is like, should I help every person who needs help. 

I will try to find video that has something to do with it. 

This might help you a little bit in this matter. 

 

Edited November 30, 2018 by purerogue

[Mezanti]

@purerogue why would you not.

Its not necessarily that people need help though it is worse than that, it is that people want things and so do you, but you end up don't things they want, for what reason? probably to avoid tension or because you feel guilt for rejecting people.

[purerogue]

1 minute ago, Mezanti said:

@purerogue why would you not.

Its not necessarily that people need help though it is worse than that, it is that people want things and so do you, but you end up don't things they want, for what reason? probably to avoid tension or because you feel guilt for rejecting people.

That is why I said it is complicated matter and not even that , you can not help everyone who needs help , no matter how good reason for it they have, sometimes you just can't help and if you help everyone, you will have no moment left for yourself. 

Edited November 30, 2018 by purerogue

[Mezanti]

@purerogue maybe the solution is simple, maybe its not, keep checking this post to see what others have to say.

 

[purerogue]

 But it is complicated, there is no one answer for one question only given in exact conditions , perspective, but the same question will change from 

each conditions and perspective. 

[ZZZZ]

Quote

being assertive is wrong and that people should be treated nicely. 

These are two different things that you need to separate in your head to help answer this question. You can be assertive AND nice. Perhaps the tension or guilt you feel is related to the latter rather than the former. You can't let people take advantage of you, and if by being assertive you are preventing that, then you should not feel any sort of remorse or guilt for your decision. Just remain as compassionate and empathetic as you can, and you will usually make the right decision.

Edited November 30, 2018 by ZZZZ

[Eric Tarpall]

You're afraid of hurting & offending people. I have a technique for this. Every day, choose a person or a group of people that makes you uncomfortable. Set a timer on 5 minutes. And visualize destroying them physically and verbally. Without feeling hate towards them.

[Mezanti]

@Eric Tarpall psychopathy 101

[Mezanti]

@ZZZZ you're right, compassion and empathy are characteristics that usually guide us to make the right decisions regarding the whole (all people)

But in this case compassion and empathy get in the way of your desires and goals.

For example you are a surgeon, in order to heal the patient you have to cut and stitch him up but because you don't want to hurt him he is not cured and remains ill. 

This is just one example of how empathy and compassion get in the way of your goals.

I think that ultimately you have to be able to put aside compassion (not 100%) in order to be effective at establishing your desires, in that you have a sort of bias towards yourself.

 

Edited November 30, 2018 by Mezanti

[ZZZZ]

@Mezanti You can remain compassionate and empathetic and still make an objective decision that is most beneficial for you and/or the other person.

 

In your surgeon example you realize you may put that person in some temporary pain or discomfort, but save his life in the process. If you are not willing to make those kinds of decisions, you have something else hindering you. 

[Dan Arnautu]

@Mezanti Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's written by a guy that dedicated his whole career to this. 

There is also "The Assertiveness Workbook", which is an amazingly good book imo.

Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Experts have already solved the problem and developed systems to get over this issue. Just get the two books and do the techniques and exercises.

Good luck.

[Joseph Maynor]

This is something that I've worked a lot on this year.  Being Assertive is making sure that you keep you in consideration in all circumstances.  And this doesn't have to be a selfish thing.  This is an honest thing.  Because the things that you wanna get involved with are things that resonate with your passion.  And that's on you to monitor that for yourself.  Nobody's gonna look after your own best interests better than you, see.  You've gotta become a designer, a creator of your own life.

Edited December 1, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Equanimitize]

The practice of Self-Assertiveness is one of the Self Esteem pillars of Nathaniel Brandens book (highly recommend). He describes it basically as ones own inner convictions of thought, emotions, and right to be in whatever space you hold at the time. It is to mean what you say and say what you feel, it is to speak your truth even when your voice shakes. Think of it as being your number one fan-knowing, feeling, acknowledging that whatever space you may be in that you have the right to be there. It is to be unapologetically YOU and no one else-of course with anything this can come from a place of insecurity as well as a deep seated groundedness of love for one self.  

Awareness is the muscle-bring your awareness to practice being self assertive.  

[John Iverson]

10 hours ago, Mezanti said:

the title sums up what im about to ask you.

I believe that being assertive is important, in the way that you can set up boundaries  that really help put in place the structure of what ever it is your working on.

Life or business or friendship.. the list is endless.

But i find that it is tension creating when i attempt to do such a thing, and  i always have a counter argument that suggests that being assertive is wrong and that people should be treated nicely. 

I however don't like this aspect with in me because often it is that i end up feeling used and or resentful.

How could i be more assertive, without guilt, without hesitation, without tension?

Share your thots.

I want to know, what is the meaning of assertive ? Being assertive in a conversation.. what is assertiveness?

[Equanimitize]

2 minutes ago, John Iverson said:

Being assertive in a conversation.. what is assertiveness?

An example of being assertive in a conversation would be to bring to fruition whatever is that is on your mind unapologetically for no other reason then you are allowing yourself to be congruent. Which then allows you to have some self respect, and love for yourself. Of course, you always have to keep the ego in check. 

[John Iverson]

5 hours ago, Equanimitize said:

An example of being assertive in a conversation would be to bring to fruition whatever is that is on your mind unapologetically for no other reason then you are allowing yourself to be congruent. Which then allows you to have some self respect, and love for yourself. Of course, you always have to keep the ego in check. 

Correct me if i am wrong so assertive means what ever in my mind i will let to say it? 

[Mezanti]

@Equanimitize

10 hours ago, Equanimitize said:

An example of being assertive in a conversation would be to bring to fruition whatever is that is on your mind unapologetically for no other reason then you are allowing yourself to be congruent. Which then allows you to have some self respect, and love for yourself. Of course, you always have to keep the ego in check. 

wow, that's a spectacular way of looking at it.

[Pernani]

how to be assertive and compassionate/accepting of others at the same time ?

[Equanimitize]

5 hours ago, John Iverson said:

Correct me if i am wrong so assertive means what ever in my mind i will let to say it? 

No, that would put you in a mental hospital. Although, if you feel you have to say something that is aligned with your higher self then so be it. It’s all about being a proponent for yourself.