Journal

[zambize]

This journal is inspired by Joseph Maynor, who I have realized is far further along the path than myself, he has multiple journals on here with far more quality content than I foresee having for a long time.

Nevertheless, for those who would like to follow my journey.

Journal Entry 1

As I found this "I amness" manifesting as a strange bodily sensation, I followed it.  It squirms, further and further away out of my sight.  I follow it, a little bit further it nervously moves, I understand the practice.  I feel an itch, no on dares complain. Reading Joseph Maynor's content on Coral vs. Yellow humbled me, I'm a bitch sometimes

Edited November 30, 2018 by zambize

[zambize]

Fake humbleness is not the way, if you can make a difference, make it.  However, don't let your ego find out you think this.

[zambize]

Focusing on the "I amness" has gotten easier and easier, it manifests itself right in my center of gravity, right in the middle of my brain.  I try to put my awareness there, I'm not used to trying to be aware of the center of my brain,  I cross my eyes struggling to get my awareness pushed back into the middle of myself where this vibrating sense of "I amness" is.  However, as you examine it, it's clear that it's just a bodily sensation, a tingling in my brain no different than a tingling in my arm.  As I overlap my awareness with this bodily tingling, it seems to squeeze away, I follow it and follow it around my head, to the crown of my head, to the tip of my nose where I don't usually go.  It runs to the front of my face, but I've been here before, here I'm good at being aware, I've got it.  I hover over the sense of "I amness" with ever more awareness and intensity, it's ran to the wrong place.  With my awareness shining it's light, it realizes it's too bright here and quite literally goes down into my chin and almost as if it were one contained amoeba of  "I amness" slips down my chin and down my thought into my chest, stay there I think as I feel the warmth and clarity, I wonder if I've won or something, I don't feel a strong sense of "I amness".  I check back in the center of my brain, a lighter tingling sensation is there.  After repeating the process, I realize that a small piece of this broke off while I chase it around my head, and slithers back to the center of my head.  I try to play goalie as I chase this sense around, making sure that it doesn't reach it's way back to the center of my head, I need to increase my awareness.  Today we do shrooms with the intent to really bring out and make clear what my deepest values are.  They seem to be knowledge, teaching, and clarity.  I want to not only figure this path out for myself, but also optimize it wherever possible, maybe enlightenment of the future can be simple, the norm.  

[zambize]

Taste like fucking shit

[zambize]

I want peace from thought, yet expect these thoughts to bring me towards peace

[zambize]

I want to create a path for myself and other to live a more profound life, a template.  I can't expect to bust myself 80 hours a week and expect at the end i'll find some magical truth to set us all free.  I don't expect others to do this, they won't.  By being reasonable and smart though, I can create a convincing path that one can follow while living a BALANCED life of thinking and improving your moments, and just ising out

[zambize]

I'm clinging to my passion, I'm having a hard time relaxing without thinking about personal development in life.  I still want to have these thoughts and want to have a vision for my future, but it's seeping into parts of my life where I just need to relax, and I can tell it won't be sustainable.  How do you manage having a vision and being serious about it, without being too serious about it that it overtakes other areas in your life?  Figure it out

[zambize]

Don't cling, yet paradoxically, don't cling to not clinging this is key

[zambize]

If you think every moment is a lesson, then it will be you observing the lesson, I.E, the lesson and you. Well that's a problem because the lesson just comes in as a perception, and so do you, don't split yourself up like that

[zambize]

Until I've found the Truth in my moment, everything is an assumption to be tested.  I feel like a big pitfall I fall in is being intelligent enough to realize that everything is pointing in the direction of this Truth, yet not realizing they will still have to go out into their experience and find that.  Is the nature of reality love and oneness and whatever other bullshit you've heard, I don't know you tell me.  You're solutions to your problems have always been best, that's not being cocky, that's what you've experienced.  Trust in that.  

[zambize]

http://vividlife.me/ultimate/26035/the-enlightenment-trap-when-ego-takes-ownership-of-spiritual-experiences-by-maria-erving/

Great article on how my ego has been taking ownership of my spiritual gains, every shift in perspective and consciousness seems to present an opportunity for my ego to start bastardizing my new values and insights

[zambize]

When answering questions, it's possible that instead of deeply clarifying everything, you should leave something for them to figure out on their own, or ask questions yourself back at them.  The number one problem I see in this field is the inability to think for themselves.  However, teaching someone to think for themselves is no easy task, be engaging, you can be better than google at answering questions because google will just give you the answer, it won't help engage their awareness and mind in an independent way

[zambize]

 

Genius video

[zambize]

Merging with reality throughout the day more and more consistently, sometimes I do it particular well and almost feel like I'm losing my breath and I start to feel happier, especially around my heart and arms.  I'm certainly ready to come home, I feel like I'm pushing against a membrane or throwing a ball up a hill, the ball can't quite get to the top and roll down the other side.  So to when I try to merge fully with reality, I feel like I can get to microdose on acid level, but just can't quite throw the ball up the hill hard enough to get to the other side.  Want to atleast keep up my 3 hr a day self-inquiry, focused solely on non-duality and enlightenment work.  On top of that, I will be putting some kind of mark on my hands or body in the form of permanent marker as a reminder throughout the day to focus on BE-ing.

[zambize]

Need to work on being grateful daily

[zambize]

The better theory predicts reality, the more dangerous it is to you in terms of over applying and not second guessing.  I'd rather have a shit theory that I'm skeptical of and can fix as I learn than an overarching theory of reality that I'm trying to stuff everything into to work because it has worked in the past 

[zambize]

Allowing yourself to be rolled over because you don't want to make someone else uncomfortable is not kindness, no amount of doing this will change their heart from my experience so far.

[zambize]

A trap that I've recently been catching myself in is kind of being half-cocked ready to reject thoughts that are too harsh/lazy/egoic etc.  Giving a bit too much power to my thoughts still, they aren't going to drag me back down to hell, just thoughts

[zambize]

Your feelings are literally your friend, treat them as such

[zambize]

I think when people have given up on actually doing the practice, they sit around and circle jerk on who has the most accurate pointer to the truth