My path out of confusion.

[Black Elephant]

"Get as much responsibilities as you can, until you can feel you are slowly breaking down. Either you become more efficient or you will have mental breakdown."

I do know a lot - teoreticky, i have clear path in front of me. I just didn't have the courage to take it. I would love to say, that I am Yellow and Turqoise, unfortunatelly I can see that there are Green and Orange mindsets I haven't integrated enough. I am able to be aware of the no-thing, no-mind me behind all of the experience, but I have to try a lot not to be entangled again in certain situations.

Yet, I am really confused as how to manage actualizing, college, family, work and everything else. I am either going to have mental breakdown or succeed. It wouldn't be that bad if I failed my college, my goal is becoming ever-peaceful rennesaince being, whole human that realized everything and came back. I saw that everything I ever want is that peace.

Aside from developing consciousness, I know that developing character is also needed. The struggle is developing character without developing ego. Well, it is going to be fun anyway.

You don't have to read this. I even strongly discourage you from reading this. It is going to be long and brutal, I will be completely honest about everything or at least I will try to be. If that didn't discourage you, I will make a lot of gramatical errors, not because I don't care, but because I deem focusing on the meaning behind my experience more powerful that focusing on grammar.

Edited November 29, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

Before I get my jornal going, I should do few things. I'm going to write down my ideal vision of myself, set up and formalize my routine and write down my few rules I am going to be enforcing. Rules may change or may not, I might write some tantrum or peom to memorize them better.

Let's start with my ideal.

WHO: Get to the point where I will be chill at any situation, being calm and at peace whatever happens. It doesn't mean I will become psychopath, it only means that I will allow any emotions, engage with them, but never identify with them. I will be having fun  at any situation, being genuine. When formal, I will have fun. When informal, I will have fun.

Being the one that seen through life. The one, that realized that what he always wanted wasn't money, girls, cars. What he wanted was confidence, peace, acceptance. I admire Joker-ish characters, who realized that it is mere persona they are posing as, while still playing at it and still having fun. Only to realize that there is another persona behind the persona. I will be the one, that is kind and gentle or tough and distant, realizing that iven though he is realized, others are not, and certain people at certain stages need different tone of conversations.

Being fit and healthy. Treating the body as it deserves. If I were to use an example, It would be Isaac Netero, from anime HunterxHunter. I loved him, he seemed like he is having so much fun. From real world, I would have to say Allan Watts and/or Sadhguru - both cultivated the mind and the consciousness, both wery wise men. If I had to chose one character from a film, it would be Master Oogway, he looked like he really had a lot of fun.

Simply put - modern rennesaince sage with complete understanding of conceptual and non-conceptual reality. The one eternally peaceful, yet having fun. Sage that explored awareness and worked on self development at the same time. The one, that knows a lot, but doesn't brag. Just laughs.

HOW: That is easy, I pretty much know what to do already. Just do the things I know I need to do. Only for my goal, i need to distinguish between two levels - self development  and awareness work, although sometimes they will be aligned, other times they will be in complete contradiction. I need to make sure that when "self developing", i will only develop and leave the ego outside, that would not be possible without the presence of full awareness at that time ..... Well, it's gonna be fun.

Self-development
Experience as much as I can - by that I mean exposing myself to harder and harder situations and keeping true with my rules and values. Increasing my responsibilities, so that i can become more efficient, starting bussiness again and not stopping even if I fail again. Building disclipine and habits. Educating myself, reading books, eating healthy (Intermittent and prolonged fasting and keto - after some research), doing NoFap and Cold showers, visualizations of my future ideal, exercising - yoga / tai-chi. Planning my work and executing every time I promise something to myself or others.

I will borrow rules from Jordan Peterson, since i think he is the best in this case. (1. is from Leo though). If you happened to read this, every rule has a story behind it. That's why I reccomend reading the book. Or at least listening to the amazing remix below.

1. Always do what is emotionaly hardest
2. Stand up straight with your shoulders back
3. Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
4. Make friends with people who want the best for you
5. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today
6. Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them
7. Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world
8. Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)
9. Tell the truth – or, at least, don't lie
10. Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't
11. Be precise in your speech
12. Do not bother children when they are skateboarding
13. Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

The bold ones are the main rules for next few weeks. All of them are important, but i can't do them all.

First one is great remix, I love it. It's brief, but powerful. Second one is almost full lecture from JBP.

Awareness work:
Gradually increasing mindful time while doing normal activities. Noticing the presence of "it" more often. Daily morning and evening meditations. Attending zed meditation retreats and meditations in my city. Wim Hoff method + Kria Pranayama + Vippasana / Zen / Transcendental meditation at the end. Breathing deeply all the time. Watching meditations from Rupert Spira daily. Being in silence - normal silence, but also mind silence.

Also, being mindful and aware while fullfilling my responsibilities will be the only way how to avoid mental breakdown.

Not planning to do any substances , that are elevating the consiousness artificialy - yet. There is the time and place for it, but not now. I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle it propertly.

WHEN: This is what i have so far. I have no part-time job yet. I have a lot of Free time, but i use that a lot to actualize. I have exams soon, so this is created with that in mind.

Edited November 29, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

28.11.2018
It's funny actually. I am starting this day of my 21 birthday.

WHAT I LEARNED:

• Doesn't matter how deep am I into personal development, until i integrate this deep feeling of self-confidence under any situation, I will feel insecure and uncertain in any new situation. I will allow it, not discriminate against it.
• Broke "Don't lie" rule - Even though I only partially modified the truth, i take it as a breaking the rule, since that could be even more dangerous than straight lying.
• There is no point in worying about things out of my control. When I send email, I cannot take it back. I can only learn from it and move on. This will take some time to integrate into my worldview.
• Should start a variation of pickup - not to have sex, but to have fun and talk to girls more often with that amused tone i used to do. That was fun, not only for me.

1. Today I felt very insecure, and i thought this is long past me. I volunteered to be part of public speaking event. It felt like I had no control whatsoever. There was this girl colleague of mine and I thought I could hold a stable and funny coversation (normal conversation, no attraction), at least for a bit, since i used to be big on Pick-up. Apparently, I can't. I felt insecure, and creepy at certain instances.

2. Next instance when I felt uncertain was when I encountered unknown things while handling certain documents for AIESEC (non-profit org. im member of - helps students with their internships and developments etc.)

3. I got very defensive, took one critique personally and lied. I will never do that again.

4. I saw this amazing video that really humbled me. Man that was falsely put on a death row for 12 years, betrayed, tortured, beaten, his daughter died in his arms and he is still going. It was so strong.

ROUTINES: (Space for routines and commitments for future - NoFap, Keto, Cold Showers, Work Time, Free Time, Actualized Time) ...
Meditation for 15 minutes.

TO DO: (Space for future small goals and work to do - exam time, so usually school work)

[Black Elephant]

29.11.2017 - Will update tommorow

WHAT I LEARNED:

• Be precise in your speach, say what you think, but clearly and care about conveying the true message that you want to convey.
• There is no point in being angry at innocent people. Either change yourself or the situation, NEVER never be angry at the innocent. Not even a sub-tone in your voice!
• Ye ... I need to learn how to manage procrastination.
• Agile management could be applied in real life, 15 minutes in the morning to set day goals. Then at 12 and 16, summarize what I done and what needs to be done.

1. I couldn't preciselly convey my message and I almost hurt a lot of other people. We have this problematic prof, where you have to really watch what you are saying. I need to find my balance with him. Tell the truth full on or be quiet and good student in order to get the exam? Not sure yet. I don't like the second option, but If he hates you, you can't finish the course = kicked outta school.
2. Today, I said something that I shouldn't have to when I was angry for no reason. Well, there was a reason, but nobody coulve done a thing about it in that situation, so the anger was pointless.
3. I PROCRASTINATED A LOT. IF I WANNA GET THROUGH EXAMS, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
4. We had pretty borin lecture about agile management, well, there were some good points. Anyway, i am starting to thing more and more that universities are pointless if you can study by yourself.

PS: Weird coincidence - I am applying for Vicepresident of our org. branch in Marketing, DDL is 5.12. Few months before this, I wanted to write down "MKG presentation" at 12.12, but I missclicked and wrote it at 5.12 + It actually got autocorrected to "MKG President". No kidding, I remember that lol.

So I open my calendar and I see the date and time for the application already in, even though i was sure I never typed it.

Edited December 1, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

TO DO (30.11 - 4.12)

AIESEC

1. Cold call at least 10 schools, offering the project (take 20 minutes of in monday + 8.00 - 8.50)
2. Write to 2 friends in order to get an endorsement letters, so I can apply to become Vicepresident of our branch. (I did my best, I can't influence what will they respond.)
3. Fill in the application for the VP position. (DDL 5.12)
4. Remind the video for EP - schools.

SCHOOL

Urgent:

1. Project for Marketing (DDL 5.12)
2. Project for Management (DDL 7.12 / Presentation 10.12)
3. Test from Microeconomics (4.12) (Ex. 6.2.3)
4. Test from Mathematics (4.12)
5. Project for Math (4.12)
6. Write down all Spanish tenses, fill in at least 4 pages.

_______________________________________________________________

Non-urgent:

1. International trade presentation (12.12)
2. Marketing presentation (12.12)
3. Final test accounting (10.12)

OTHER

1. Get the washing machine
2. Look at Erasmus internships.
3. Finalize my Exercise, Yoga and Meditation routine.

Edited November 30, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

30.11.2018 update 18.00

WHAT I LEARNED:

• Always preciselly say what you think. Even if the other person wont like it, especially if you wont meet them in a future. If you do meet them, then own it anyway.
• Something needs to be done about the procrastination thing.

WHAT HAPPENED:

1. Nothing really happened, I had free day, so ...
2. Well, I got my washing machine delivered, the delivery guy was quite rude and disrespectful. But I was afraid to say something to him personaly. Wont happen in future.
 

MEALS: 9.00 - 2 Slices of Cheesecake | 13.00 - Sausage with rice
ROUTINE:
Day 0 - Morning meditation (20 minutes)
Day 0 - IF (16/8)
Day 0 - NoFap
Day 0 - Cold Shower
Day 0 - Exercise

 

Edited December 1, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

1.12.2018

WHAT I LEARNED:

• I am atached to my family more than I think. Looks like it is true, if you live with somebody long enough - almost doesn't matter how flawed he is, you will periodically grow keen on him.
• Politely refuse food if you are on a diet, if you have birthday party, make sure to let others know that you don't eat sweets.

WHAT HAPPENED:

1. I did some work. Unfortunatelly I still played most of the time, but I leanred how to do math homework efficiently and I got some minor work done.
2. Got an amazing endorsement letter. I think it was the best thing that has been written about me.

I should shorten those posts, they take a lot of my time. Well, I guess I've been doing posts from past. I guess 10 minutes max will not kill me. 10 minutes morning / 10 minutes evening.

TODO:
Finalize the Routine - almost done
VP application - In waiting
Test for marketing - Asymptots done - 3 more topics to go.
EXPA - Send max cap to applicants

MEALS: Let's not count it today.
ROUTINE:
Day 1 - Morning meditation (20 minutes)
Day 0 - IF (16/8)
Day 1 - NoFap
Day 1 - Cold Shower
Day 1 - Exercise
Day 0 - Evening meditation (30 minutes)
Day 0 - Diary on time
Day 0 - Duolingo

 

[Black Elephant]

Unfortunatelly, I cannot edit older posts and cross out things from my to do list. For that I guess I will need to create new thread then.

WHAT I LEARNED: Trust the intuition. Tantric orgasms are great.

WHAT HAPPENED: Sunday, mainly procrastination all day long. I should unninstal my games or learn how to manage it more. Actually, when I was sitting in a car, I got back to the present moment without even trying as I used to do in the past. I'm getting there step by step I guess.

I feel like I am slacking on my routines. Also, I get into state at the end of 1st term when I start to doubt my uni again. I am trying to solve dilema - spirituality × career (school). I know my main aim is spirituality, but I also know that being spiritual master is not enough for me, I want to strive for excelence when it comes to science as well as spirituality. It's one of the things why I joined AIESEC and im applying for VP, even though i know it's gonna be really hard.

But still, I will value my routines and development / learning more than university degree or clases themselves. I'm here from two reasons, I take it as an last opurtunity to get "my act together", before I find real job. To lose weight and get some routines going so when I get out of college (drop, finalize it) I wont become depressed because I have nothing that would define me. Well, I guess at that point I wouldnt be vulnerable to social labeling, but who knows.

Always thought that I have to search really vigorously to find peple that are ""above me"" when it comes to personal development and self-awareness. I know I've done a lot of work and I discovered lot of things about myself, but it turns out I just have to search in different aspects - I can also learn from Blue guy, when he knows how to communicate clearly and preciselly and I dont.

TODO:
Finalize the EB application + ask 1 more friend to send EL
Send emails to refuted EP's
Mathematics - finalize the project + test
MAN - Find out the deadline+find out what Empowerement in management context is.

MEALS: 13.00 - Few potatoes + 3 fatty steaks, Ate whole 200 g chocolate + sweets. Gonna gain weight.

ROUTINE:

Day 0 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes)
Day 0 - IF (16/8)
Day 0 - Keto.
Day 2 - NoFap.
Day 2 - Exercise.
Day 2 - Cold Shower.
Day 1 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes)
Day 1 - TODO + Diary on time.

Okay, let's do all now.

Edited December 2, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

Morning meditation is the best. 15 minutes gave me the benefit of 20 mins before bed. Have think about it, there is the possibility of eliminating Zazen from evening and trasferring it to the morning.

Need place to masturbate and train tantric orgasms, I have 2 roommates, so bathroom would be really suspicious. Today I am feeling strangely at ease, might be coz of 15 mins m.meditation, could be because I practices wim hoff thoroughly yesterday. But it's time to start doing everything I planned fully - not half assed like until now.

Took 20 minutes of english and completed few tasks - I realized that when cold calling the schools, I need to do pauses to realize my own infinity of being and relax.

It was alright.

WHAT I LEARNED: Speaking silver, silence gold. Seriously. If someone asks, tell them. Otherwise, keep quiet.

MEALS: Nothing :))

ROUTINES:
 

Day 1 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes)
Day 0 - Fasting
(Day 0 - Keto.)
Day 3 - NoFap.
Day 2 - Exercise.
Day 2 - Cold Shower.
Day 2 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes)
Day 2 - TODO + Diary on time.

Okay, let's do all now.

Edited December 3, 2018 by Black Elephant

[Black Elephant]

Didn't post yesterday. Can't remeber. Got really drunk, I went for a hour long walk. Realized that I know what to do every time, I just don'T act that way when I actually should.

It's not about what to do now, since I am aware that at every moment I pretty much know what to do,. Irght now it's basically about actually doing it. Experienced great tantric orgasm. Ended my fasting streak, since I was so drunk I was really hungry.

Day 2 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes)
Day 0 - Fasting
(Day 0 - Keto.)
Day 3 - NoFap.
Day 0 - Exercise.
Day 0 - Cold Shower.
Day 0 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes)
Day 0 - TODO + Diary on time.

Need to take this really seriously, It isnt that i am not taking this seriously, its just that sometimes i have really bad days. When I drink for example. I mean ... when I drink, i then contemplate the reality alone, i retreat to a corner, get quiet all of the sudden and just think about things. I explore reality and stuff, newer had a ny drugs, but I know that if I had some drug - especially alone, I would just sit into the corner and contemplate the reality again, as well as I am doing with a alcohol.

[Black Elephant]

I think I'm gonna change my diary a bit. I will not write down 3 or more points what happened, but actually more like over all feel of the day and stuff. Just how the whole day been, man 2 really significant things that happened, if I felt particualrly great or bad or stuff.

Well, today it was crazy. I had to write 3 - 4 pages for pgroup project and I just couldnt. I am not sure I I was only drunk from the evening or I was in certain crazy state of mind after certain realization I had the evening after, i dont know. Only thing I know is that I couldnt really think strait, butit took me no time to get into treality. I felt certain kind of excitement whole day and talked to a lot of strangers without any reason.  Not sure what is happening.

My tantric orgasms went wrong, I ejaculated and I ended my NoFap streak, unfortunatelly. I don't feel discouraged, well. it doesn't matter I will just into my old habit again today. More or less. Had some sweets, but I didnt eat nothing substantial, i think kthat might be even worse than if I ate something normal and nutritious.

Day  0- Morning meditation. (20 minutes)
Day 0 - Fasting
(Day 0 - Keto.)
Day 0 - NoFap.
Day 0 - Exercise.
Day 0 - Cold Shower.
Day 0 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes)
Day 0 - TODO + Diary on time.

 

 

[Black Elephant]

Update: It was crazy, didn't have time to do diary. And I am not going to write much at weekends, just rutine and todo wise.

Anyway, got my first tantric NEO orgasm. It was good, but lasted only few seconds. It's going great, just feeling little bit embarased about it. I am at the edge now, I know I should start NoFap again, but Tantric NEO's are also great. I will learn them and them start easy mode of nofap.

Made some meditation music, it's not completed yet, but so far, it was amazing. It is for breathing, I will post it as soon as I complete it.

[Black Elephant]

Unfortunate, I fell out of the vagon, diary, nutrition and excercise wise. I'm getting little bit anxous because of school and consequences of my first bussiness. Well, starting new line of diary today.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________