This isn't what I thought it would be.

[mandyjw]

Which is hilarious in itself, I know.  I thought that living in the present moment or "enlightenment" would be me happy or make my life flow, bring me fulfillment or make things as they should be. I thought I was making myself bulletproof in some way. But that was just another thought.

I go back and forth like a ping pong ball between breathtaking realizations that there is no me to the same angry egoic outbursts that I wanted to get rid of so badly that it drove me to start this path in the first place. I feel like the volume of life is so turned up for me, the changing of the seasons and weather affects my moods dramatically, and I can hardly stand to be around other people for feeling their pain myself. For example if I talk with someone with a facial piercing I can feel the pain of that piercing at least in the background the entire time. Little things in nature bring me to tears frequently. Presence seems to be turning up the volume even more. I wanted to be able to function better not worse. 

I've gone full circle between the outbursts and spiritual realization, and I've done it again and again. I think I realize now that it's about surrendering and surrendering again. There's no getting somewhere, there's no getting something. There's no becoming someone who doesn't have depressive states or angry outbursts. There's no joy or despair but just experiences and what the mind decides to call them after the fact. There's no truth or correct standpoint and there's nothing really worth doing. My mind wants to take this more recent realization and turn it into a depressive sort of thing. But it's not that either. I want to stop wanting things and getting carried away with things and unless I keep telling myself "no there's nothing there in that for you", I'm not sure how to do that.

[Salvijus]

Nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody's going to die. #Rick And Morty 

 

This gives me goosebumps

 

[Strikr]

I m gonna perce my nose soon, right in the middle.

[FoxFoxFox]

@mandyjw Just try and connect with your direct experience, specially with your inner energy field. Focus your attention on this instead of the mind. The idea is that the mind, being fed less and less energy, will stop being able to hog your entire awareness and is replaced by inner peace and stillness. 

[Shin]

The Truth

 

 

[mandyjw]

My mind is putting up one hell of a fight, when it thought it was unicorns and rainbows at the end it went along happily but now that it's fully seen that what's at the end is its own death it doesn't want to play along. It feels like I'm using it to get what I want, I want it to help me take care of my family and function day to day and even provide me with a comfortable life, but I'm denying it its promise of happiness in the future. I'm resisting total surrender because I'm switching from taking care of my life situation and there's no guarantee that I won't physically die. I've been told that my life situation will take care of itself. For example that beautiful verse in the Bible about the lilies clothing themselves, but I'm afraid it's another promise, another beautiful thought.

[mandyjw]

@Shin Love it!  

[Forestluv]

@mandyjw A beautiful insight . Whatever arises, arises. There is no escape from what IS. Any attempt to escape becomes what IS.

[Shin]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

My mind is putting up one hell of a fight, when it thought it was unicorns and rainbows at the end it went along happily but now that it's fully seen that what's at the end is its own death it doesn't want to play along. It feels like I'm using it to get what I want, I want it to help me take care of my family and function day to day and even provide me with a comfortable life, but I'm denying it its promise of happiness in the future. I'm resisting total surrender because I'm switching from taking care of my life situation and there's no guarantee that I won't physically die. I've been told that my life situation will take care of itself. For example that beautiful verse in the Bible about the lilies clothing themselves, but I'm afraid it's another promise, another beautiful thought.

 

[isabel]

I forgot where I heard this, it was rupert spira maybe, but he said that the mind is not putting up a fight but it's showing you the way because every single "negative" thought is a just a prompt that's telling you to surrender again to your true self...

[cetus]

@mandyjw 

In your post notice how many times you refered to yourself existing within time- I was, I will, I've gone, I thought, ect.

Surrender the "I".

Surrender the "I" by surrendering time past and future. The "I" cannot exist without the sense of time. It is it's fuel.

Cut off it's fuel and the "I" will quickly wither leaving only the now. In the now "Being" emerges. Being is what you are. Being is truth. Not the "I".

Stop pretending to be what you are not. Don't be afraid to be what you already are. -Nisargadatta

 And it is happening now. You just don't see it because time and mind is partitioning enlightenment from you. But this is it! You already are it. But you don't see that now because of the illusion of time.

No one has ever become enlightened existing within time. 

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

For example that beautiful verse in the Bible about the lilies clothing themselves, but I'm afraid it's another promise, another beautiful thought.

Faith is a creator. Doubt is a destroyer.

Have you ever seen Mooji's video "Christ Consciounseness".  If you think Christ or Buddha only existed thousands of years ago, this video will shatter that illusion.

[WelcometoReality]

@mandyjw There is nothing you can do about any of this. Any attempt to interfere with what is IS resistance to what is. 

Accept your thoughts. Accept your wants and desires. Accept the resistance. Accept, Accept, accept until the sense of a doer disappears.

[non_nothing]

Please consider watching short video which will give you power

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdKs13kf13A

 

 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Everbodys mind makes individual reality based on your identity find out that your identity is seen and stop believing in it thats the key how to do it? Cant be desribed you have to do it by yourself...

[Leo Gura]

Interesting snippet from Wikipedia about Rick and Morty:

Quote

"Rick and Morty has been described as 'a never-ending fart joke wrapped around a studied look into nihilism.' The series addresses the insignificance of human existence as compared to the size of the universe, with no recognizable divine presence, as described by Lovecraft's philosophy of cosmicism. The characters of the show deal with cosmic horror and existential dread, either by asserting the utility of science over magic or by choosing a life in ignorant bliss. However, as Joachim Heijndermans of Geeks notes, none of them appear able to handle the absurd and chaotic nature of the universe, as Jerry gets by through denial, and Rick is a 'depressed, substance addicted, suicidal mess.' Harmon describes Rick as a self-interested anarchist, who doesn't like being told what to do. He believes that the character's life on a larger scale has caused him mental illness and opines that 'the knowledge that nothing matters—while accurate—gets you nowhere.' Matthew Bulger of The Humanist notes that the creators of the series are trying to communicate the message that we need to focus on human relationships and not preoccupy our minds with unanswerable questions, in order to find a sense of purpose and live a better life."

Therein lies the problem.

Classic stage Orange/Green, sucks all the magic and divinity out of life by misunderstanding nihilism.

* Facepalm *

The emptiness IS the divinity! Is the beauty! Is the joy! Is the meaning!

[Mu_]

9 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Which is hilarious in itself, I know.  I thought that living in the present moment or "enlightenment" would be me happy or make my life flow, bring me fulfillment or make things as they should be. I thought I was making myself bulletproof in some way. But that was just another thought.

I go back and forth like a ping pong ball between breathtaking realizations that there is no me to the same angry egoic outbursts that I wanted to get rid of so badly that it drove me to start this path in the first place. I feel like the volume of life is so turned up for me, the changing of the seasons and weather affects my moods dramatically, and I can hardly stand to be around other people for feeling their pain myself. For example if I talk with someone with a facial piercing I can feel the pain of that piercing at least in the background the entire time. Little things in nature bring me to tears frequently. Presence seems to be turning up the volume even more. I wanted to be able to function better not worse. 

I've gone full circle between the outbursts and spiritual realization, and I've done it again and again. I think I realize now that it's about surrendering and surrendering again. There's no getting somewhere, there's no getting something. There's no becoming someone who doesn't have depressive states or angry outbursts. There's no joy or despair but just experiences and what the mind decides to call them after the fact. There's no truth or correct standpoint and there's nothing really worth doing. My mind wants to take this more recent realization and turn it into a depressive sort of thing. But it's not that either. I want to stop wanting things and getting carried away with things and unless I keep telling myself "no there's nothing there in that for you", I'm not sure how to do that.

Sounds like some straight dope realization stuff and classic mind response neither of which you should hold responsibility for or get angry about or fear the future because of.  You want to feel better through this?  Just overstimulate yourself with things that feel good, just make those the choices you make for a while, forget about trying to do enlightening stuff.  I don't mean numb out and get drunk and high out of anger or stress about your situation but because its what you like, what ever it is.

Also some of the above advice from cetus is good, but it may keep trying ego backlash, I'd give "spiritual" investment of attention a break for a bit, come back later refreshed.

[mandyjw]

@Leo Gura You are right when you say that the emptiness is the beauty, joy and meaning but the nihilist is also right when he says it is despair and meaningless. Because to be empty and nothing it can't have any meaning or experience of good or bad assigned to it. Until this point I've always seen the beauty and joy part and now the other side won't be ignored any longer. I need to find the beauty in my grandmother's worsening dementia and death, I need to see the beauty in a mad over-consuming culture knowing I'm part of it, it's me. The first time I ever sat down to seriously meditate I closed my eyes and the sunlight just flooded my being. I had the realization that I am light, I am the light of the world as Jesus spoke about. 

But wait, that's half the story. 

I'm also the darkness. I IDENTIFIED with just the light and the beauty part.

Fuck.

I just want to be the light, please can't I just be the light and not the dark part? Maybe a little bit gray? No? 

Fuck.

I have to learn how to hold both truths. 

 

[Leo Gura]

@mandyjw No, there is no second half. There is no darkness. There is only light.

The darkness is not of the world, it is the projection of your not-yet-fully-illuminated ego-mind.

Ego-mind is still judging and still assigning negative meaning.

You have not tamed the ox yet. It is bucking you off. Which is why it seems there is light and dark.

All judgments of good and bad are delusion. That is what must be transcended. It will take a lot of work to transcend it.

[ground]

Again one  of those threads. Some people here are expressing or deploring their stress.

Quote

"Now this, monks, is the noble truth of stress:[1] Birth is stressful, aging is stressful, death is stressful; sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are stressful; association with the unbeloved is stressful, separation from the loved is stressful, not getting what is wanted is stressful. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are stressful.

"And this, monks, is the noble truth of the origination of stress: the craving that makes for further becoming — accompanied by passion & delight, relishing now here & now there — i.e., craving for sensual pleasure, craving for becoming, craving for non-becoming.

"And this, monks, is the noble truth of the cessation of stress: the remainderless fading & cessation, renunciation, relinquishment, release, & letting go of that very craving.

"And this, monks, is the noble truth of the way of practice leading to the cessation of stress: precisely this Noble Eightfold Path — right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration. (Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dhamma in Motion)

To some this suggested "way of practice" may appear to be even more stressful than life.

[now is forever]

20 hours ago, mandyjw said:

For example if I talk with someone with a facial piercing I can feel the pain of that piercing at least in the background the entire time. Little things in nature bring me to tears frequently.

can you see the difference between a piercing being stung because of the will to suffer and a piercing being stung as an expression of healing?

does it sting your heart every time you see one? why?

a piercing is not always a symbol for suffering and pain - on the contrary it can be exactly the opposite. the initiating pain of the body can be a relief for the soul and an expression not of chaining but of breaking chains. the same goes for tattoos. (if it’s not thoughtlessly done)

the pain you see on the person might be only a trace of the past.

Edited November 29, 2018 by now is forever