Ego panic attacks

[Anna]

First a little bit of background information: I changed my life around completely several months ago. I was frustrated with my life and progress in the spiritual field. I knew I need to take my practices more seriously, so I did.

I'm currently waking up at 4:30 AM and I'm doing my morning routine. I meditate, read several pages of a book, I watch videos, take notes and contemplate the hell out of it. Besides this I'm getting ready for the day and go to work after I'm done with all of my tasks.

Lately something is happening to me quite often. I guess it was about 2 weeks ago I got a panic attack while meditating. I still continued with my routine and calmed myself down. Same happened to me while reading and it started to frustrate me. I can understand WHY it is happening. It's simply because my understanding of reality gets deeper and deeper day by day. It's not one of these panic attacks you get in a social environment... let me tell you I had enough panic attacks in my life and I have never experienced one like this. It's hard to describe, but it feels like you are just a second away from death. It's an extreme threatening feeling.

I simply wanted to go on with my practices, but I had one of the worst nightmares tonight and I decided to ask for help.

So my question is: Should I push further? What do you guys recommend here?

[purerogue]

Are you sure it was panic attack?Or maybe that was extreme joyfulness that was trying to emerge, but you suppressed it. 

Edited November 28, 2018 by purerogue

[Solace]

Does your life flow, is it easy and mostly effortless and joyous? 

You don’t need to do any spiritual practice. Really, you can give up all that you are doing right now, and trust more in the present moment. 

Just keep some awareness in your Heart throughout your day, and you will grow tremendously. It’s about letting go of control, and allowing your Heart to be your guiding light in all endeavors. It will lead you always to greater levels of Love, and act for everyone’s greatest benefit beyond any preconceived ideas  

I feel free knowing that I am unattached to no “spiritual practice”, diet, exercise, ideology, thoughts etc. Thoughts are the ultimate attachment of all attachments, and only the Heart can heal this, and pull us back home, so learn to stay in your center more and watch your life unfold is my advice; it comes from being in a similar place to you minus the panic attack. Release this pressure off yourself to perform, you are already perfect and complete and have been and will be. And also, the greatest spiritual practices are simple, to center in the Heart being one of them. It’s all you need to do! Feel life through your Heart instead of thinking about life in your head.

https://channelhigherself.com/videos/satsang-with-the-self/how-to-stay-motivated-to-do-spiritual-practices-meditation-yoga-etc/

https://channelhigherself.com/videos/satsang-with-the-self/personal-power-breaking-the-patterns-of-ego-control-and-manipulation/

Edited November 28, 2018 by Solace

[purerogue]

It is like huge adrenaline rush, like pulsation and enormous energy that seems will make you explode if you go deeper ? 

Confusion, your mind bounces around not sure what is happening, seems very dangerous if you let it continue, hands shaking. 

 

 

[Anna]

@purerogue  No, I'm not sure if it was some kind of panic attack. It just seems similar to me, but I never experienced something like this before.

But your description:

On 28.11.2018 at 9:47 AM, purerogue said:

It is like huge adrenaline rush, like pulsation and enormous energy that seems will make you explode if you go deeper ?

could be quite accurate here.

On 28.11.2018 at 9:24 AM, Solace said:

It’s about letting go of control, and allowing your Heart to be your guiding light in all endeavors. It will lead you always to greater levels of Love, and act for everyone’s greatest benefit beyond any preconceived ideas  

I feel free knowing that I am unattached to no “spiritual practice”, diet, exercise, ideology, thoughts etc. Thoughts are the ultimate attachment of all attachments, and only the Heart can heal this, and pull us back home, so learn to stay in your center more and watch your life unfold is my advice; it comes from being in a similar place to you minus the panic attack. Release this pressure off yourself to perform, you are already perfect and complete and have been and will be. And also, the greatest spiritual practices are simple, to center in the Heart being one of them. It’s all you need to do! Feel life through your Heart instead of thinking about life in your head.

Thank you for your wise words. I will think about that.

[Shin]

This actually happens almost everytime I sit to meditate or when I try to sleep.

Fuck ... ???

[Preetom]

9 minutes ago, Shin said:

This actually happens almost everytime I sit to meditate or when I try to sleep.

Fuck ... ???

Have you tried daily journaling? Just setting 30 minutes everyday and writing your recurring thoughts/issues/beliefs. Putting light on them, writing them down, break it into parts and maybe apply 'the work' on each statements?

I've found writing helpful especially if something is recurring as a sticking point. Far more effective than just meditating or trying to think/rationalize yourself around it.

Who is it exactly, that is having these recurring panic modes? what message is it trying to convey? what am I defending here really? where exactly is this pain sticking/hitting finally? 

[Rilles]

My ego gets pretty fragile when I meditate nowadays...Guess its part of the journey...You wanted a deeper connection...Well now Youre connected...Maybe not in the way you wanted, you can see alot of different things through a microscope.

[Shin]

15 minutes ago, Preetom said:

Have you tried daily journaling? Just setting 30 minutes everyday and writing your recurring thoughts/issues/beliefs. Putting light on them, writing them down, break it into parts and maybe apply 'the work' on each statements?

I've found writing helpful especially if something is recurring as a sticking point. Far more effective than just meditating or trying to think/rationalize yourself around it.

Who is it exactly, that is having these recurring panic modes? what message is it trying to convey? what am I defending here really? where exactly is this pain sticking/hitting finally? 

I do everyday.

I'm wondering something else though.

What if a panick attack is an enlightenment experience trying to take place, but since most people fight it, it just becomes a nightmare instead ?

From what I read about it, there is no scientific reasons as to why it happens (yet).

Apparently it happens even to people with a healthy mind with no buried issues so ...

???

Edited November 29, 2018 by Shin

[non_nothing]

 

[Preetom]

24 minutes ago, Shin said:

I do everyday.

??

Thats awesome. I really feel that at the center of each of our automatic unconscious reaction, there lies a hidden belief/assumption just like a virus. If one only addresses and obsess over the 'symptoms', the virus still stays safely intact. Thats why attentive writing really helps to break things down and follow the superficial symptoms to it's root.

24 minutes ago, Shin said:

I'm wondering something else though.

What if a panick attack is an enlightenment experience trying to take place, but since most people fight it, it just becomes a nightmare instead ?

From what I read about it, there is no scientific reasons as to why it happens (yet).

Its more like Enlightenment is already continuously happening 24/7. But the psyche has built and sustains an entire network to hide and deny this. Whenever, that being is intuited/'touched', that entire structure feels vulnerable and produces an automatic kneejerk reaction. Exactly like if there was a cockroach on your back for 5 minutes but you weren't aware. The moment you do get aware, you jump for no reason. The cockroach was already there. No new event took place... 

Edited November 29, 2018 by Preetom

[Shin]

Just now, Preetom said:

Thats awesome. I really feel that at the center of each of our automatic unconscious reaction, there lies a hidden belief/assumption just like a virus. If one only addresses and obsess over the 'symptoms', the virus still stays safely intact. Thats why attentive writing really helps to break things down and follow the superficial systems to it's root.

Its more like Enlightenment is already continuously happening 24/7. But the psyche has built and sustains an entire network to hide and deny this. Whenever, that being is intuited/'touched', that entire structure feels vulnerable and produces an automatic kneejerk reaction. Exactly like if there was a cockroach on your back for 5 minutes but you weren't aware. The moment you do get aware, you jump for no reason. The cockroach was already there. No new event took place... 

The weird moment you realize you may not truly want enlightenment ?

 

[Preetom]

7 minutes ago, Shin said:

The weird moment you realize you may not truly want enlightenment ?

That's actually a sign of progress really.

It really means that you no longer have those superficial, newbie, egoic notions about Enlightenment.

At first, the ego fantasized Enlightenment and chases it...it is only a re-branding of it's habitual material or psychological search for security.

Then one by one, those cheeries pops and really you start to see that there really is no fantastical 'thing' out there to see or become but just the total opposite.

So it's simultaneously is a sign of progress but it also can make the ego bum out and backfire badly  

[lmfao]

@Anna What are the panic attacks like in intensity and duration? I've had panic attacks in conjunction with suicidal ideation in the past. Whenever I have had a panic attack I just keep hyperventilating non-stop for 20-30 mins. 

What you should do about it really depends on where you intuitively feel the panic attacks to be coming from. My advice to you is to just examine where/why the panic attacks are arising and then decide from there. My panic attacks were coming from a deep pit of neurosis which almost made me dead serious about committing suicide. Obviously that doesn't sound like the case for you but just check that you are really convinced that your panic attacks are coming from a place of purification rather than a place of deep despair. Because people can experience deep shit when their neurosis resurfaces and is being cleared up from mindfulness. Just make sure you've investigated your psychiatric health.

For your panic attacks, are there any triggers? Any particular topics or ideas which send your mind into a crazy spiral? Are there any triggers for the uncontrollable surge of emotions you feel? Do the panic attacks arise completely randomly? In reference to my first paragraph the duration, intensity and causes of your panic attacks completely define the context and significance of your panic attacks and hence they completely define what you should do about them.

Edited November 29, 2018 by lmfao

[Rilles]

14 minutes ago, Shin said:

The weird moment you realize you may not truly want enlightenment ?

 

Yeah reading all the posts about people freaking out and my ego bringing up a bad weed episode i had many years ago has brought up some doubts for me... But meditation has helped my ego so much though... Choices man... I dont know if i wanna suffer some ego-backlash for 10 years to be truly happy...

Edited November 29, 2018 by Rilles

[Shin]

46 minutes ago, Preetom said:

That's actually a sign of progress really.

It really means that you no longer have those superficial, newbie, egoic notions about Enlightenment.

At first, the ego fantasized Enlightenment and chases it...it is only a re-branding of it's habitual material or psychological search for security.

Then one by one, those cheeries pops and really you start to see that there really is no fantastical 'thing' out there to see or become but just the total opposite.

So it's simultaneously is a sign of progress but it also can make the ego bum out and backfire badly  

 

Oh yes, I'm fully aware I could become crazy, live in perpetual suffering, or simply being unable to function in society ever again.

Or worse (I read worse lol), but do I really have a choice anyway ?

I'm too curious to know anyway ?

 

56 minutes ago, Preetom said:

 

 

 

[Rilles]

Ego be like

[Preetom]

28 minutes ago, Shin said:

Oh yes, I'm fully aware I could become crazy, live in perpetual suffering, or simply being unable to function in society ever again.

According to daddy Mckenna, that's one of the built-in mechanisms of Maya to prevent you from making the jail break.

In this case, it would be better to inquire that if you really 'do' anything right now...where is this 'doer' that is seemingly gluing it all together? 

[Shin]

53 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Ego be like

[Nahm]

On 11/28/2018 at 2:55 AM, Anna said:

First a little bit of background information: I changed my life around completely several months ago. I was frustrated with my life and progress in the spiritual field. I knew I need to take my practices more seriously, so I did.

I'm currently waking up at 4:30 AM and I'm doing my morning routine. I meditate, read several pages of a book, I watch videos, take notes and contemplate the hell out of it. Besides this I'm getting ready for the day and go to work after I'm done with all of my tasks.

Lately something is happening to me quite often. I guess it was about 2 weeks ago I got a panic attack while meditating. I still continued with my routine and calmed myself down. Same happened to me while reading and it started to frustrate me. I can understand WHY it is happening. It's simply because my understanding of reality gets deeper and deeper day by day. It's not one of these panic attacks you get in a social environment... let me tell you I had enough panic attacks in my life and I have never experienced one like this. It's hard to describe, but it feels like you are just a second away from death. It's an extreme threatening feeling.

I simply wanted to go on with my practices, but I had one of the worst nightmares tonight and I decided to ask for help.

So my question is: Should I push further? What do you guys recommend here?

Panic attacks will not be resolved with thinking, evidenced by the lack of any person to do so scientifically speaking, and also evidenced by the sheer debilitating power of a panic attack. 

It’s simple, but a big recontextualization: 

What does the panic attack say?

It says, “I don’t care what important things you have to do, I don’t care about your obligations to others, I don’t care about your bills, or your job - I don’t care about any of that. You have not been putting your experience first, you have not been putting you first. You’ve been trying to “solve problems” for a long time, you will acknowledge the only way to happiness, is putting how you feel first, then proceeding. You will learn this now. I love you so deeply, I can not watch this go on for another minute.”

Sit. Bawl. Release.

Care about how you feel. It is unwise, proceeding without love / being. What would even be the point?

That is the point. You. Happy. 

That’s it. That’s all.

How much love is there for you, that unseen powers can drop you to your knees until you acknowledge this? 

Infinite.