I hate my mind! Why is it this hard to know what the fuck I want?!

[kieranperez]

Why the fuck is it this hard? Why is my luck this full of shit? Why is it this hard to realize what my core desire is? Why is it this hard to fucking decide? Why is it this hard to tap into what I actually want to work towards? Why the fuck can’t I stop talking to myself every second of the day and also change my narrative from this self defeating inner voice that just feels like giving up? Why do I quit EVERYTHING? 

People giving me advice on “go for a run” “sit down and just be,” AND THEN WHAT?! You sit down and just be and then go back home and be fucking useless with family that don’t really love me but just love the fantasy of what I represent? Just go get a 2nd job at another useless position where I literally hold back tears where it’s like “is this all I’m good for?! Why the fuck do I take orders from a boss who doesn’t know a fucking thing about anything in life?!” And meanwhile I serve people lying sales pitches to customers at my retail job that doesnt give me any hours nor fucking serve anything. And then get second one of those jobs... and then what? What happens after? I then work 2 jobs full time that I despise and start some god knows what business that serves god knows what? But as time goes on, my youth wanes. Can’t see a legitimate therapist because I can’t afford a good one and all the other ones just get paid for me to articulate my problems better. 

Can’t drive or likely move anywhere now because a guy t-boned my car  that I didn’t and it’s $15000 to fix my car I got for my birthday and now I’m probably going to have to junk it because Geico ain’t covering me because the guy who hit me doesn’t answer his phone despite and they raised my rate and blamed me and I would have to pay $3000 every 6 months + monthly payments.

I try and genuinely sit down every day to try to plan and figure out what do I actually want but NOTHING. 

I honestly don’t even know why I’m bothering to write this out but here’s whatever... just needed to vent I guess. Crying right now in the rain. I feel like giving up on this whole life purpose thing. 

 

[Ire]

Those are the moment you need to Keep going I now is hard but don't let the negative emotions have so much power on you. Sorry but there is people in war that is really unfair and sad. Your situation have a solution don't hit so hard on you and don't give up after the storm comes the sun, maybe is necessary for your growth these realizations. 

 

 

[Toby]

What I would do: I would reread the last chapters in Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" where it is about "purpose" and what primary purpose is and what secondary purpose is. And I would be happy to live where you live because there is an overabundance of amazing teachers (https://www.adyashanti.org/index.php?file=teachers) there. Of course it would only make sense if my main interest is to be. But hey, that's just me, I don't know what your interest is.

[Artaemis]

I think you need more positive contrast in your life. Sense how certain actions align with your self concept or self image. Become aware of the subtleties in the energies around you. In your body...your mind. How are you affected right now? Follow the line of energy and it will amplify. 

  

[lmfao]

@kieranperez that's some deep stuff my brother, I feel you. 

I don't know your life situation and I myself barely have a life purpose so I don't really have anything to tell you. On the surface it seems simple, and should be simple. You just do what you find interesting. All I can really do is just try to relate to your experience from my own. Right now I'm in university studying physics. I really like maths and physics but despite this I have huge motivational issues. Hardships in life launch me into a spiral of suffering and I lack the motivation to look to "meaningful" sources of joy and instead turn to low consciousness sources of joy (e.g. Video games). 

 

[ivory]

The bad news, but also the good news, is that it makes no difference what you do. There is no purpose out there waiting for you to find it. However, you need to get clear on what you value (relationships, recreation/hobbies, growth, health, spirituality, career, etc) which means that you're going to have to learn to be comfortable with confusion and doubt in the mean time. You need more life experience which will lead you to know what you want. Just be patient man. You cannot rush this process.

 

Also, sounds like your'e working through a lot of stuff right now. Life is giving you just what you need right now to develop emotional strength. Focus on that for now. You need to get into the mindset that your challenges are the path. If you are being challenged, and you are not running away, then you are on the path my friend.

[Charlotte]

Your at a stage where 99% of people will now quit. 

Do the opposite. 

Don't quit.

[Nexeternity]

I hear you man.  Life sucks sometimes.

Thats great that you made a post like this expressing yourself, and its great that youre crying, super healthy reaction.

Teal Swan has great videos on how to feel better... I used this one a few times. 

 

Dont be so hard on yourself and dont put so much pressure on yourself.  

No one is rushing you to figure things out. 

Try and do things that will make you feel good about yourself, like making someone smile, doing something for someone, giving someone a gift or sending them a nice message or whatever.  Its a small step but it helps, you kind of start realizing that you can actually make the world a bit better just by doing something small.

Hope this helps.

[Joseph Maynor]

It takes a lot of systematic Personal Development Work over several years to even get a handle on what you want.  But you do get to a point where you can put together a concrete Vision that you want to create for your own life and for others if you do your Personal Development Work systematically.

[SgtPepper]

I agree with what everyone has said here, each person gave great advice.

This post is touching and I have also felt that sense of deep confusion, sadness, and hopelessness, recently actually.

Have you tried a psychedelic before? They helped me a lot in my personal development and getting me in touch with my purpose. Still though, my vision and purpose is not fleshed (am 24 years old), it just gets me closer. I am constantly re-working it and I have also come across two different paths that I am equally passionate about. You gotta feel it out... to get that answer, rarely has to do with thinking, so id be careful with using just thinking as a way to get to your vision for yourself.

Make sure when you are meditating or going for a run, and you take that feeling of presentness/quietness into your daily life, detaching yourself from judgments, fears, and worries (easier said than done, I know...) You have to keep working at it and in those days where you do get hit hard with sadness, take it easy, recover, and you will find the light once again. 

Afterwards, START EMPOWERING YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY. The brain needs to be completely re-wired, the way it receives the world, the way it labels the world, and the self-talk all has to change to be in the lig. Plan on dropping bad habits and start recognizing how much power you have to change your current situation, it may take you one, two, or three years to really change your current situation, but you have a chance! 

--------

Start collecting affirmations and saying it to yourself, here a few from a book (Feel the Fear and... Do it anyway) I own:

1. "I am breaking through old patterns and moving forward with my life."

2. "I relax knowing I can handle it all."

3. "I stand tall and take responsibility for my life."

4. "I know that I count and I act as if I do."

5. "I spread warmth and love everywhere I go"

6. "I let go and I trust it's all happening perfectly."

7. "I peacefully allow my life to unfold."

8. "I am finding the gift in all experiences."

9. "I am powerful and I am loving and I have nothing to fear."

10 ." I focus on my many blessings."

Check out the book - or audiobook -

Mastery by Robert Greene.

It has been a source of motivation for me to keep at it because it exposes you to the journeys of all the greats (Charles Darwin, Leonardo Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, and more...) and you will be surprised to learn the obstacles these individuals went through.

I do not think getting a second job is the answer. Lifting yourself up in the market place through education is better. There has to be a way to get some financial aid or get a loan to pay. Learn a skill that pays like manual labor, tech, or an established practice (just some ideas), and do whatever it takes to get that certification/degree/experience. Even if its not 100% what you want, especially since you are not sure about your life purpose, at least you will get paid enough to move out and not work a second job. At least you will working towards change in your life right now. 

-----

Check out Elliot Hulse's channel. He does a great job at empowering his audience.

 

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by SgtPepper

[Joseph Maynor]

 

[CreamCat]

1 hour ago, Joseph Maynor said:

It takes a lot of systematic Personal Development Work over several years to even get a handle on what you want.  But you do get to a point where you can put together a concrete Vision that you want to create for your own life and for others if you do your Personal Development Work systematically.

What is your vision? What do you want to do?

[Emerald]

@kieranperez This might be against forum guidelines, because it might constitute advertisement. If so, I apologize and will take the post down

But if you would like to get more clarity about your direction in life, you may try a life-coach instead of a therapist. I have been trying out life-coaching in the past few months and I've been able to get good results and even some major breakthroughs, with one in regard to direction and clarity particularly. And I only charge $32 for a 1-hour session, since I'm not yet certified and just learning the ropes. So, it's quite a bit cheaper than what an average life-coach would charge. 

So, if you'd be interested in this, let me know. 

Otherwise, I think that the thought process in your mind of negative thoughts and judgments against yourself creates a really high-stakes situation where you have to shut down various awarenesses. This is probably why there is a lack of clarity, because there is too much self-judgment going on to hear your passions calling. You don't have enough wiggle room in your mind-space and emotional-space for passion and insights about your path to come up. It probably also doesn't help that you're living with your dad and there is a toxic dynamic going on there. 

So, try to still the body and mind for ten minutes and try to wind yourself down here and there. And try to be mindful that the source of your catastrophizing is only happening in your mind-space. Another person could be in the same situation and read it in a positive and hopeful way. So, the idea is to train yourself toward GENUINE positive focus. 

Also, consider that perhaps this conundrum and negative self-talk is giving you something that you want. And that's why it's difficult to let go of. I sense a fear of responsibility and a fear of change. So, I feel like the negative self-talk subconsciously functions as a catastrophizing rationalization to justify remaining in your comfort zone and avoiding the emotional labor involved in taking full responsibility for your life. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Don't cling so much to your Vision that you start to beat yourself up.  Let the lapses happen but always be aiming for better performance over time.  Give Vision to Ego, but at the same time don't cling to Vision or to Ego. 

Edited November 28, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Joseph Maynor]

1 hour ago, CreamCat said:

What is your vision? What do you want to do?

My vision is to run my life in a very authentic way where I'm creating all my authentic results that I want, and also to contribute back personal development information that I one day hope to get paid for.

[Shin]

Edited November 28, 2018 by Shin

[Salvijus]

How do I adress the large issues in my life?

 

[Mirror of Confusion]

What would you do if you were free from financial struggle and just had one more year to live?

Here is an app by Om Swami that could help you getting a direction: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.rt.pinprickeffect.meditation&hl=de

[thehero]

Theres Nothing wrong. normal. Just your reaction to what's normal Is hurting you

Edited November 28, 2018 by thehero

[ajasatya]

18 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I feel like giving up on this whole life purpose thing.

do it. you're finally making progress! (i'm not joking around)