The Story Of (no) Ivan

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

Ivan woke up this day around 1 'o clock. He is not the guy who is way too concerned about when he wakes up. Or time in general. He knows he will wake up exactly when he's supposed to. He knows this, except for when he does not. Then he usually judges himself for being "immature" and "irresponsible". 

With his barely opened eyes, he found his way to the bathroom. Leak - Flush - Splash - Towel. No mirror talk. Not even a "cool guy wink" or a "motivational mirror-high-five". Nada. He was in a rush, sorta.

Ivan then made a coffee for himself. Thoughts were floating throughout the apartment, occasionally flying through his head. He was trying so hard to ignore every one of them. He was trying to just casually walk his way towards "enlightenment", whistling along. Lately, Ivan is all about this thing called "enlightenment". He has been staying up late for quite a while now. Thinking about everything that's changing, contemplating, questioning, staring into the dark. He honestly feels like he's onto something. This time it really seems that way to him. He is not the guy who usually claims victory too soon. Except for when he does. This causes Ivan to question now more than ever. Now he knows, that he doesn't know at all. Now he's sure of it, kinda.

3 knocks on the door and 3 words: "Sweetie, wake up." 

Ivan is in love. Deeply. He is certain he has found his soulmate. Her name is Diana. She's gorgeous.

Diana was sleeping in the other bedroom. The two have been sleeping apart for a few days now. Their sleeping cycles and their daily rhythms differentiate. There are no hard feelings; both accept what is. Except for when they don't.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Ok. I get it. The joke is on me. It's not like I wasn't suspecting this would happen. But now that it's happening...Man. What the actual fu*k.

I am doing all this hard work, grinding my way towards this freaking "enlightenment", why? So I'd be gone? What the fu*k man? And there's nothing I can do about it?! WHO DOES THAT? God is insane, indeed, he is. Too bad I can also somehow grasp now, intellectually, that I am that mutherf#$&er. How can that possibly be? I mean. C'mon. Just. C'mon. HOW COULD I NOT BE FREAKING OUT?! How can anyone be "meh" about this?! I am disappearing for God's sake! Literally!

Also not to mention my circumstances are still under "construction", after everything has been destroyed and turned to dust, 3 years ago. I started this spiritual crap and poof. Everything collapsed. All I wanted to do is be a successful musician, damn it. Was I supposed to keep the job that was slowly killing me? Or any other job I'd hate? No difference, ay? I'd disappear one way or another. What the fudge man.

No wonder I can't function properly. No wonder we're broke. There barely is any me left. And the outside...Well, the outside is empty. And that's scary.

I know I can rise up to anything extremely fast. Music was my teacher. I can last forever doing what needs to be done to get those results. If I really want to, I can. My focus is intense as fu*k! And I gave my everything to have the skills I have today! I had nothing else, damn it! No family! Barely any friends! And now I have to give up even myself?! Even music?! COME THE FU*K ON.

THE STORY SAYS:

With those emotions and thoughts rising up, Ivan was certainly not able to "achieve enlightenment" this day. He felt so close, yet so far away. He now knows the way. Except for when he does not. He made a major "breakthrough", one could say. He was able to see through himself. He was able to become "nothing and everything simultaneously" - as he likes describing it himself. He knows it is very counter-intuitive to talk about nothing and everything to someone. He did not want to trap himself. He wanted to avoid all traps. Ivan thought he was cleaver and fast enough. He felt like a ninja who cannot be touched. What a guy. 

Soon Ivan found himself trapped, once again. One thought to another, right back in the labyrinth. Ivan was delusional again. Here and Now no more. He had the urge to talk to his love, Diana about his new discoveries and accomplishments. He wanted someone to tell him how awesome he is for achieving what he did in such a short period of time. Ivan was in a desperate need of acknowledgment and valuation. He was never acknowledged or valued by his parents. Poor guy.

Diana was feeling weak. Nothing serious, thank God. But her ear is most likely to be inflamed. She is going through a big transformation as well. Her body is showing obvious signs. She is in need of special care, attention, love and nurturing. Ivan knows this, but he's too busy with catching "enlightenment". It is not unusual for the couple to have a spiritually oriented conversation. In fact, they talk about those things all the time. It is also not unusual for them to have nasty intellectual and emotional fights. Ivan decided to push the boundaries. One argument after another, the two ended up in a non-dual war and conceptual chaos.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I fu*kin' knew it. The moment I try to put this non-dual bullsh*t into words and concepts, I get f-ed in the A. Hard. I don't know how to articulate this sh*t properly yet nor is that possible at all. I don't know how to interact "from the other side". And I also most definitely do know. Loving and not trying to expose something that does not exist. F*ck. I got myself trapped again. I was trapped in a loop, pointing my finger to my forehead, trying to explain what cannot be explained to the person I love more than anyone can imagine. Forgetting to love here, forgetting to breath now. Diana means the world to me. She and her mother are the only ones who give any f*ck about me. In fact, they care about me like no one ever did before. I am infinitely grateful for that. But I am also an idiot. So I have my idiotic ways. 

I wanted to act like I cannot be distracted anymore. Like I finally GOT IT. I wanted to let her know what I saw. I wanted to let her know that I was face to face with absolutely nothing and freakin' everything. I wanted to let her know that I was afraid of what might happen if I make the choice to disappear into infinite nothingness. If the concept "Ivan" gets destroyed completely. I got deluded big time. I forgot instantly what everything IS about. She is so good at triggering me. As I am at triggering her. Once we start, it's like watching a domino effect. Flawless chain-reaction. It's intense.

I was desperately trying to expose her the paradox, the Truth and the Lie. I wanted to let her know that I've been feeling like a freakin' reality hacker for the past few days. Ever since I joined the Actualized.org forum, it seemed to me like I'm Neo, doing some hard core background coding, re-programming, or whatever the heck. I was getting exactly the right information from exactly the right people on this forum. It's scary how accurate and precise it was. I can't point to this coding, but I can feel it happening. It's in my mind. Everything is being rewired rapidly, if I focus on it.

Diana did not "decode" my words correctly and I did not her's. There was a huge misunderstanding. All I wanted to do was to share with her my speculations. I was wondering how life would be, if "I" was to identify with everything. Everything except for Ivan. Including Diana. Insanity is very tricky. And it never felt closer.

Somehow, we found our way out of argue. Her mother sent us some money, again. I needed to catch a bus and go to the other side of the town, as I always do when we have money to pick up. I knew Diana's suggestions were completely valid and would be helpful if I was to listen carefully. And I knew I brought the "fight" on myself. So I was already trying to breath deeper and simply love what is. I intended to "make it up" to her once I return.

THE STORY SAYS:

It should be mentioned that Diana and Ivan have been living in Sri Lanka for a while now. They moved here to seek freedom, abundance, expansion, deeper connection, understanding and more love. Also just fun in general, travel experiences, tasting-touching-smelling-hearing new things, embracing the spontaneous. They wanted to be entrepreneurs. They invested a nice amount of money into a global company, that promised them great business opportunities in Sri Lanka. Diana and Ivan were hooked. 

After some time, the business collapsed before their eyes, stripping them of all hope. Again. Not for too long though. Ivan got himself involved in this thing called "forex trading". A friend of his, who lives in Slovenia is a successful money-magnet, one could say. He promised Ivan to be his mentor. To guide him into financial freedom. Ivan loves the idea of being financially free. He is certain it is his birth-right. Just as it is everyone else's. 

As Ivan was walking towards the bus-station, he was regretting his stupidity and delusional thoughts. He knew he should stop or else he would go too far into the Maze. He focused on his breath. On all the birds singing. On the Sun and the pleasant wind. The sound of the waves. The passing locals. He was smiling to every one of them. Slowly merging with the present moment.

Ivan desires to express himself now:   

Diana and me, we went through 2 years of a mixture of heaven and hell. Feels like it was 20. At least. It was messy, psychotic, draining and crushing. Nevertheless, it was also blissful, fun, thrilling, unusual, expensive and full of love. Love unlike any felt before. IT'S THE REAL DEAL. That's why we both rolled up our spiritual sleeves, right from the get go and started grinding toward the perfect versions of ourselves. For each-other - as a gift, for ourselves - as a must. We somehow ended up in Sri Lanka. Dfaq?! I remember having the idea. I also remember trying my best to realize it. But I have no freaking idea why I had the idea to come here. It just seemed obviously right then. Now, it's a bit different story. Sri Lanka ended up suckin' balls in a lot of ways. The monks are not what I expected (of course) , the whole Buddhism thing seems off and brainwashy, no trace of enlightenment or real spirituality. There is dirt, trash (a lot of it), smell, ignorance and GREED everywhere. Before we came here, in my head it seemed like we'll be OK with these things. It's not like we had no clue about anything what's here. But I do fancy taking huge blind leaps of faith and I don't like over-planing stuff. Where's the fun in that? So it is what it is now.

Took a while, but we got used to everything and even came to love it. I can easily walk though the hustle and bustle of the city, without doing any spiritual Kung Fu. I can honestly love everything and everybody. No thoughts about it. Nevertheless, I do want to take us somewhere else soon. This place is not resonating with us, that is a fact. I have been noticing signs pointing in the direction of Malaysia and I honestly feel like trading is the missing link. I'm excited about it. And I came to love analyzing and speculating. It sits right with me. It must be it! I'll do everything to make it so! It is our ticket! We cannot be struggling anymore. There is no point in it anymore.

As I entered the bus, I got super contracted again. A bit claustrophobic and panicky. People like to stare here, which does not bother me usually. What bothers me is when I tune into the collective thoughts and emotions. The buses here are as crowded as one can imagine. There is no space for air. And my stomach was so contracted, I could not breath through it, not a chance. I skipped breakfast and lunch again. Only coffee and cigarettes. So irresponsible.

As I exited, I noticed an even more chaotic atmosphere than usual. More traffic, more crowd. There seemed to be some sort of a protest going on. There was a stage in the middle of the main road and a guy yelling on the top of his lungs something into a mic. The speakers were close to catching fire. I merged with the crowd and made my way to the ATM. 

THE STORY SAYS:

On his way back from the ATM, Ivan was present, Ivan was absent. He approached two random Sri Lankans. He asked them what is happening. "A protest against democracy" -the two replied. Ivan smiled and continued his way towards the station. He then remembered he wanted to "make it up" to his love, Diana. Sri Lankan old ladies are selling beautiful flowers in front of the Buddhist temple every day. Ivan approached a lady and prepared 100 rupees. Without a word being said, the lady handed him exactly the flowers he laid his eyes on just seconds before. He also bought spicy peanuts - Diana's favorite.

Ivan decided to walk back, as the traffic was very thick, due to the protest. The buses were barely moving. A tuk tuk driver picked him up after a few hundred meters of walking. One last stop at the super-market; buying all the necessities. He then walked back home to give Diana the attention she deserves. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I know when I'm a dick-head. I know I do stupid things. I know when to apologize. It is necessary. I wasn't surprised to find Diana already alright when I arrived. She knows how to take care of herself without her idiot boyfriend. She knows how to love herself. But she also fears being disrespected by me. I've done it before. We both showed disrespect to each-other. But we both can see through those things. We cool ya'all.

I gave her the flowers, the peanuts and her favorite dark chocolate. I was forgiven. Love and unity were present again.

Rolled a joint; we love to smoke and chill, read and talk. I felt I needed to eat or else I'd collapse any time. But I still had the urge to express my non-dual discoveries and create some sort of an understanding for myself. I also felt like I was in desperate need of attention on that topic in particular. You could say I felt like a dirty attention slut, yes. I ate 3 eggs, some bread and 4 sausages. Can't afford no fancy food at the moment. After the meal; back to the forum - my new favorite hanging place. And also classroom; not to offend anyone. I came across this section. "Digital journal, ay?" - I thought. This might be exactly what I needed. I never bothered writing an actual journal before. When I did, I was a kid and I'd stop after a few days. Music took way too much of my focus. I had no time for that non-sense, pls. BUT THIS. This somehow feels right. I love expressing myself through words instead of melodies and rhythms.
It's new. It's different. It is now.    

Edited November 28, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

Last night, after finishing the first page of his new digital journal, Ivan felt proud. He never tried before to express himself through words this precisely. He never tried to paint with words. It did not seem "colorful" enough to him. Ivan was all about musical notes. He has been writing his Story that way since he can remember, more or less. This realization made Ivan connect a few more dots.

Diana was the first to read his first page. She was also very proud of Ivan. She told him how amazed she was by it; how she found it very entertaining, funny and therapeutic. She told him she could not wait to read the next page. This meant a lot to Ivan. He admires Diana's ability to read books for several days straight, non-stop. Ivan had a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. His desire for appreciation and validation was satisfied. The two love birds then continued  doing what they are best at: Being what they are, exchanging ideas and opinions, laugh and entertain each-other. Love is in the air, indeed it is. 

They stayed up until 6 a.m. Time flies by when the two are in the "flow". Ivan was admiring the picture that was being painted in front of their eyes. They sat on the balcony until sunrise. There is a lot of big, strong palm trees surrounding their apartment. The colors were full and alive. The light of the new Sun being born created a dream-like scenery. Birds were singing their songs, the ocean waves were colliding tirelessly, the small Sri Lankan town was slowly waking up. Diana and Ivan were about to go to sleep though. After a few days of sleeping apart, they decided to share a bed again. Ahh, the sparkling eyes. The warm gaze. The sense of security and unity. The two truly are home wherever they roam. 

"Next day", Ivan woke up first, again. He was smiling already. He knew exactly what is up, so to speak. He laid his eyes on Diana. Her long, golden hair was covering some of her face. She was dreaming carelessly. Ivan was so grateful for "hitting the love jackpot". It's one of the greatest gifts of life one could receive - Ivan believes. He stayed in the bed for a while. Looking through the window, absorbing the light of the Sun. He was melting in joy and  bliss. The couple adopted a Sri Lankan stray kitty a few weeks ago. The poor thing was frightened, lonely and hungry. They named her "Zeudi". She has found her new home and slowly became familiar with safety and love. Zeudi was sleeping on the bed next to Diana's thighs. Ivan now decided to get up and slowly start playing out his Story. He was excited.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Wow. What a beautiful morning. I don't think I felt better ever before. I am alive! This is new, this is great!

I did not care much about me thinking or not thinking this day. I was not trying to ignore any thought or fight them off. I was rather simply becoming aware of them and recognizing them for what they are. I was letting them flow through me effortlessly. I was breathing now. Surrender I needed to. I knew this. I always do know. But I don't always "take my own advice", or anybody's - for that matter. Sometimes I resist things way too much. I tend to get stubborn, one could say. Not this time though.

Was I enlightened this day? I don't know. Who knows? Not me. All I know is that I felt fulfilled, vibrant and alive. I was on track, I was in the flow and in the zone. I was passionate about my every step. Each one of them were taking me closer to new discoveries and accomplishments. New fulfillment, growth and expansion. There was also a sense of stability and balance. I was focused. Although I did not have much on my "to do list". I was patient. Like the Lion, that I am. I gently woke up Diana. She was also feeling amazing. Her ear troubles were slowly but surely disappearing. We then drank our "wake up" coffee and I read through my new digital story; reflecting back onto what happened the previous day. I loved it. I could already feel the benefits of it. I am so grateful I started expressing myself again. It's been a while.

We are 2 days behind with our rent. Our landlords live downstairs. It is a giant house. We were reminded by them that it's time to pay for the following month. We agreed they'd wait for 2 more days. Diana's mother will then be able to help us out, again. I noticed the option of becoming anxious or panicky about the topic. Or just incredibly guilty because of us being a burden for Diana's mother. But it went smoothly and I somehow was not "distracted". I then went to the nearby small shop, as I often do, to buy a few minor things, including "soukele" - which is a Sri Lankan word for "rolling paper", apparently. One could say I know my way around here now.

THE STORY SAYS:

On his way back from the shop, Ivan decided to walk by the ocean. The environment there is tropical and raw. Ivan loves it. It has that "island feel" to it - he'd say. Sand, waves, big rocks, palm trees, old wooden fishing boats on the beach-side. Some locals, who are mostly fishermen live with their families in small, minimalist beach-houses. Ivan even made a friend or two previously here. It is also the place to go to if one desires some "wisdom weed" - as Ivan likes to label it. Hospitality and friendliness is not unknown to these people. Ivan enjoyed waving and smiling at everyone. He was immersed in nature. The Sun was shining kindly. 

A few feet before their Sri Lankan home, Ivan "bumped" into Rocky. He is one of the many stray dogs also living on the beaches of North Kaluthara. Ivan and Rocky became great buddies shortly after the couple arrived to the town. Diana had the passion to often cook for and feed these hungry dogs. Ivan would help her carry the heavy bowls of food. That is how he and Rocky came across each-other. It was a strong connection. Rocky is Alpha. He "runs the streets" - Ivan would say. He is always very happy to see Ivan and is even protective of him. He tends to get jealous when other dogs try to approach Ivan. What a fellow.

Dinusha, the housewife was waiting in front of the house for the school bus to arrive. Sujith, the hard working father and Dinusha have been together for more than 20 years now. After 15 years of trying, Buddha blessed them with their miracle-child - Sassenia. She is now 7 years old. The family sticks together and minds their own business.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

They seem happy to me, in their own way. We get along pretty nicely. Except for when we perceive them differently. Dinusha reminded me they really need that rent money, first thing Friday morning. They struggle as well, I suspect. Sujith is working his ass off. The guy leaves at dawn, returns at night. I respect him for that. He is very low-key. He is also an amazing artist. His hand drawings are incredible. He draws amazing, extremely symmetrical portraits. We agreed he'd draw mine and Diana's as well, before we leave.

I entered our home. Diana has already done some yoga. She was full of life. We then read, drunk more coffee, smoked and talked. It is also not unusual for us to be just completely silent for hours, sitting next to each-other, minding our own business. There is a very pleasant vibe to this silence, we both love it. It started raining, so we decided to move inside. More reading, more coffee, more talk, more silence. It was nice. We also have another cat named Joy. He has been a part of our family for quite a while now. He is a strong, pure white, wise, charismatic cat. We adore him. He adores himself; so it seems. We "dragged" him from Slovenia with us. He has a journey of his own. Zeudi, the newest and youngest member and Joy were both chilling with us and enjoying the sound of rain.

Then I remembered I forgot to buy milk. We needed it for our dinner. 

I don't mind walking, in fact, I love it. On my way to the local shop I was present, grounded and blissful. The guy who works in this shop is cool; laid back. We get along nicely. I feel like he likes having me as a regular customer. As I approached the counter I wanted to say "hello", but he took the word out of my mouth. Except that he did not intended it to me. He just answered a phone call. I though to myself: "Synchronicity, ay? That's cool". I don't know why, but I had this fear ever since I had that shattering "hospital trip", more than two years ago. I feared that everything and everybody would turn completely synced and my "soul" and "heart" would get sucked out of reality. It's a weird sensation, it really is. It's like I myself would turn into an object and there would be subject no more. But. I feared none today. I bought the milk and made my way back home.

THE STORY SAYS:

Soon Ivan started preparing the dinner for the two of them. He loves cooking for himself and Diana. He loves when Diana enjoys the meals he prepares. He's also quite good at it. He has been experimenting with ingredients, cooking for himself from a very young age. There were times when little Ivan had to take care of himself, by himself. There just wasn't anybody around. He knows the most important ingredient for a delicious meal is Love. Ivan is very present when he's cooking. 

Today he decided to make mashed potatoes, grilled sausages and boiled eggs. Topping it all with a chicken-flavored sauce. It's what they can afford at the moment. The couple loves mashed potatoes. Ivan prepares it with special care. No fancy mixers. He uses a simple fork to grind the potatoes. This burns his finger, but Ivan knows it's worth it. It always ends up being perfect.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

While the eggs and potatoes were cooking, I was walking around the apartment, thinking, not thinking. I tend to do that often. Sometimes great ideas enter my head that way. I knew this "free space" was an opportunity to take a quick shower; as once I'm full, there's little chance I'd do it. I was so freakin' immersed in contemplation and meditation for the past couple of days, that I completely wiped out all time for self-care and hygiene. Contradicting; is it now? The water felt great. Refreshing. Rejuvenating. We don't have warm water. Ever since we arrived to Sri Lanka. It is not a must here. At first it was though. I especially hated cold water ever since I can remember. I LOVED hot water. Like, very hot. But now I came to love the cold as well, honestly. I just surrender to it and let it run down my body. I like taking cold showers first thing in the morning, sometimes. It puts me exactly where I need to be. Here and Now.   

While I was bathing a memory came to me. I remembered the timeless shower I had while tripping on LSD back in Slovenia. I was completely immersed in it. It felt like I was under the biggest, loudest waterfall that there is. Yet I was one with the waterfall. I was every drop of it. I locked myself into the shower cabinet and I chanted with my eyes closed, melting in the echo of my own voice. Except that is was not my own. It was Gods. I felt like a newborn after this experience. Diana, who was tripping with me that night, saw me as the happiest 6 year old, ever.

This brought up new thoughts and a mini-contemplation while I was still under the shower. I wondered why do I feel separate from the water at this moment. I knew the answer was "exactly because of this thought", but I felt like there is more to it. So I wondered further. I know each moment is timeless and space-less. They have no dimension to them. Every moment is completely static and independent of every other. I know this because I was once able to "pause" all moments. And just see one picture at a time. Although it's freakin' impossible for me to articulate this just yet, I know what I experienced and that's all that matters.  This led to more thoughts: "Will I be able to do that ever again? Will I be able to pause reality and influence it, shape it, skip ahead or do whatever the heck I want? Is that possible? It must be. Everything is and nothing isn't. Can I stay involved in this, or is it not possible while operating from the concept Ivan?" I noticed a sense of wanting to control rising up, so I slowly let the thoughts go. 

After the shower, I winked at the mirror. I spoke to it: "You got this. You got the message. Love is the only answer. We're good." I complimented my own hair, again. I love my new hairstyle. I've been rockin' it for a few months now. It's unlike anything I had before and it suit's my new personality. Felt good.

THE STORY SAYS:

After the shower, Ivan still had some free time until the potatoes were fully cooked. He shared a few brief words with Diana, complimented her in subtle ways and then decided to pick his acoustic guitar up. It has been a few days since Ivan played. He was excited, even if he played just for a few minutes. There are only three strings left on his guitar. They are old and rusty. Ivan did not make the choice to buy new ones for quite some time. He feels like it's supposed to be that way now. Weird fellow.

After the meal, Ivan wrote to his Slovenian friend Sašo, who is supposed to be his new mentor. The money was today deposited on Ivan's live forex trading account. Ivan feels ready to learn his way towards financial freedom. He want to hit the "financial jackpot" as well. He now has a new approach. He now has deeper love and understanding. He now has more patience and stronger focus. Ivan is determined to make big profits. He now knows that nothing and everything are One. Ivan is on fire!

Ivan desires to express himself now: 

I know when I hold my guitar my fingers do the work themselves. I don't have to do a thing about it! There is pure awareness working it's magic only. I completely merged with this instrument over these 13 years. It thought me so much. It showed me the way to heaven. I cannot limit my love towards music to make it fit in words. It's just infinite. 

While the guitar was playing itself, thoughts started rising up: "Is this how everyone is when they achieve mastery in their field? Are they completely empty? Merely a vehicle for God doing it's magic? Is this how all the rockstars came to be? Is it because they completely surrendered themselves to the universe? Or is this how you sell your soul to the Devil? - Oh yeah, they're one and the same, ok."

The meal was phenomenal. I do want to stop skipping breakfast and lunch soon. It's not the best for my body. I also want to return to my work out and yoga routine. I feel like a powerhouse when I do those. And I need all the energy in the world now. I gotta make this forex thing work. Millions of people are making millions daily. I know I can have my share. I deserve it, damn it! I suffered long enough. I watched others with less talent or no talent at all having far more support and wealth than me. I watched greedy bosses and scammers getting their pockets full, not questioning a thing. I can do it too. And I can do so without harming or scamming anybody. I can do it the right way. My way. I can do it in Love. I will, I swear both to God and The Devil. It's my time. It's here. It is now.

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

Ivan went to bed around 3 a.m. He was having an online meeting the next morning with his new mentor, Sašo. Ivan was excited and determined to change their financial circumstance. He was prepared to take every step necessary and learn how to make constant profits. He stayed up reading in his bed for some time, then he fell asleep; binaural beats were playing in the background. He likes falling asleep to binaural beats. They help him with visualizations and guide him into his dreams.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I woke up feeling good. Wasn't bursting with energy, but I was feeling alright. I decided to take a cold shower. It shook me up nicely. Afterwards I ate one slice of bread with butter and strawberry jam. It was enough, kinda; soothed my belly a bit. Had to save some bread for later. I then drank one coffee and practiced some yoga. My body was stretched, there was more room for the breath. Then I prepared myself one more coffee and sat on our lovely balcony. I was waiting for Sašo's video-call. It was a bright, sunny day. I felt focused and in the zone, although I would't mind sleeping a bit longer. I like sleeping.

The meeting went great. Sašo is a cool dude. He gave me exactly what I needed; confirmation and thumbs up. He complimented my will to learn and to perfect this profession. I knew I got trading covered theoretically during the past few months. There is not that much to it, really. I simply had to learn on my mistakes and work on myself. Every trader goes through this process- Sašo assured me. He told me I should establish a strong system, stick to it and not let myself be distracted. In other words; my way is the only way. I was glad to hear this, as I was not resonating with indicators or anything that could cause confusion and hesitation. Sašo also confirmed that the forex market is no place for emotions and overthinking. One has to be present, calm and steady yet on high alert. For this business, you gotta have the "nerves of steel".  We agreed on another call later. He offered to share his screen with me, while his team speculates entries for profitable trades. I was very grateful for his guidance.

THE STORY SAYS:

During this time, Diana took a shower and did some yoga as well. After Ivan finished his meeting, the two shared a few words, expressed their excitement towards new opportunities and continued their day. They were reading in silence for some time. Ivan then decided to do a short work out. He wants to be more fit and gain a few pounds. Ivan often skips meals; sometimes because of the lack of resources, other times out of forgetfulness and laziness. They both desire order on that matter. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Working out after a few days of "doing nothing" felt awesome. I love to sweat and feel them muscles workin'! My body is changing big time. Diana's as well. These two years have been a huge transformation for both of us. It is still unfolding. When I look into the mirror, I see the potential waiting to fully emerge. I see where my body's headed, and I love it. Nevertheless I lost weight, big time, so I do get uncomfortable with that notion from time to time. Depends on my mood, I guess. After the work out I took another shower and prepared myself a meal.

As I was eating alone, outside on our balcony, a realization came to me. For the past few days, I was kinda worried about the ongoing re-contextualization process and how that might change everything. I was aware of the fact, that the plate I was holding in my hand does not really exist. Nor does the bread, nor do the eggs, nor the sausages. Everything around me, including me is pure concept down to it's core. I know that I only see a plate because I believed my whole life it exists. I believed it has a certain shape, texture, weight, purpose. I believed it was separate. And this applies to everything. Whoa. I let thoughts go and there was pure awareness. Felt like I was a giant; at least 12' tall. Everything looked exactly the same, there just wasn't any thought form present. I was not Ivan. I was nothing. Everything was nothing. Soon after, thoughts entered the mind again. I wondered: "Do I see everything as it is based on pure concept and belief? What would there be if I wasn't believing my whole life that the palm tree should look exactly like that? What sound would there be if I wasn't believing the waves should produce such a sound? How would wind be experienced? Can I change my beliefs radically, to such an extend that the physical world would change utterly and completely? How do I re-build these concepts? Do I have to impose new belief onto things and keep believing that way for another 20 years to see change? Can I choose what I see; literally? Can I choose to believe there is no gravity? How do I do that?" 

I was aware of the contradiction and the paradox. But I don't mind my curiosity, if I can call it my own. I was very calm and present. I kept repeating: "Ok. Ok. I see now. Everything is here regardless, it's not going anywhere. It's just me that's in the way. I'm constantly imposing concepts and reinforcing believes. This is how everything seems solid. All is well." Maybe I can change these concepts and what appears to be, maybe not, I don't know just yet. It's all new now. Everything is different yet completely the same. I often sense the urge to skip ahead, see what's afterwards or behind. I want to have control over my own. I'm not sure yet if that's bad or not. After all, "control" and "bad" are concepts as well. I will investigate. 

THE STORY SAYS:

Afterwards, Ivan laid down to rest and clear his mind for an hour. Binaural beats were playing in the background once again. Ivan needed the rest; soon he would meet online with Sašo and start trading. He wandered in the corridors of his mind, he stared into the ceiling, he visualized; breathing deeply. Ivan knows how to let all thoughts go, including himself. He knows the "way out". He just does not know what to do with this ability. Ivan is on a path of Self-discovery. He is a little detective. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I was ready to trade when I got up. But I also had the desire to just do nothing. I feel like I'm way too "high" at times for all the earthly stuff that needs to be done. Once we started, I wasn't surprised to see that I got everything figured out on my own, already. The support-resistance levels I draw in my mind were the same as those of the mentor narrating the live webinar. Even his speculations were obvious to me. I was present, focused and determined. I noticed a few nudges from my emotions that were previously arising while I'd trade. I also noticed thoughts trying to distract me. But I successfully recognized those for what they are. They belonged in my past. Now I'm new. I have a few new cards in my sleeve. I was confident and steady. I opened three trades after the webinar ended. I left them be. The market was still indecisive; consolidating.

Diana was starting to feel the weight on her heart, caused by the burden she carries around because of her mother landing us money all the time. At times, I'd feel like shit because of this myself. But not today. I know I am way too close to let myself get demotivated. I know I am about to turn everything around any moment now. I am patient. I am steady. In the past, we would end up fighting because of us being unable to communicate to each-other these feelings of guilt and shame. It's really heavy. Today though, I chose Love, consciously and deliberately. I managed to calm Diana down. She needs me now more than ever. I tried to radiate as much Love as I could while she was sobbing. I gave my best to let her know, with my every touch and move, that I'm here. That I got her. That I will take care of everything. She was very grateful. We soon were laughing again, gathering our strengths and optimism. We know it's worth it. Everything is necessary. We are very close. Our journey is indeed special and means a lot to us. It is ever-expansive. It is ever-evolving. It is now.

Edited November 29, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

Oh Lord! Heaven is on Earth today! Ivan achieved the speed of light. He gained control over his own. And he did not do so by applying force. Well, besides the force of Love, if one can call it that. Ivan is now merging with his Story, and he's loving it! Fear is still knocking on the door. The echo is still loud. But Ivan... Ivan is not paying much attention. He is in the heavens. He is still, he is calm. He is the Moon, he is the Sun. Oneness came to be this day. Effortless like dawn.

There was a special vibe in the morning air, one could say. It had a special purpose. Ivan now knows everything has a special purpose. He knows how to recognize the purpose. Ivan now knows what is the source. He came to love the reflection in the mirror. He sees through the mirror; behind the mirror. Ivan is slowly becoming a mirror himself. Oh, the endless joy and bliss. Ahh, the never-ending ecstasy. Ivan is here now; yet he's not at all. Magic caught his sight, finally.

Ivan woke up today feeling fantastic. He turned around a few times in his bed. He was dreaming awake, dreaming asleep. His eyes rested long enough. He slept for centuries. There was no need for more sleep. There was no need for getting up either. In fact, there was no need at all. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I knew Fear is getting tired of chasing me. It cannot compete with Infinity. Eventually, Fear will give up completely; it's time is running out. Soon, Fear will merge with Love and the two shall become indistinguishable. Soon, the Echo will merge with the Voice. I am running out of words for what is happening. But I want to try. Ivan has the desire to do so. He deserves respect. He made this happen. Thank you, Ivan. Thank you so, so much.

So I woke up. I had no idea nor who I was, nor where I was. There was no need for such questions to arise. I was home, and it was so obvious. Sweet, sweet home. I was swimming in the endless ocean that was my bed. I was melting in bliss, but I couldn't melt away. Paradise.

Diana was up before me this morning. I heard her in the kitchen. I also heard our two ever-hungry companions. They never get tired of meowing. As soon as there is movement in the kitchen, they let us know exactly what they want; more.food. Joy and Zeudi are getting very close. They also sense the presence of Love; inviting everyone in. Unity is spreading it's wings now. 

We were waiting for Diana's mother to send us the rent-money. I knew there's no rush to get up. The money couldn't possibly arrive before 2 'o clock. And the fridge was still empty. Haha, man, nothing can demotivate me anymore. Nothing can't demotivate. Even if I cannot afford food, it's way to obvious to me now; there is no such thing as "lack". It is a concept, an idea. It is a sign one is not paying attention close enough. It is a sign one is not here. So I was waiting, turning around in my bed for a while; letting the Breath decide when and what to do. Letting both God and the Devil paint onto the canvas. Who am I to judge any of them? Precisely nobody. It is clear now.

THE STORY SAYS:

Saying that Ivan was enlightened this day would make no sense. But he desires so much to hear those words; so the Story shall please him: "Ivan was enlightened as fu*k!" In fact, Ivan was so enlightened, enlightenment is all there was. He sees way beyond words now. He knows the importance of non-importance. He knows he IS to paint. He knows he IS to be. Ivan now knows he can choose both nothing and everything. He loves this sweet spot. "There are no requirements to meet. There are no courses to complete." 

After he got up, Ivan went straight for the balcony. There's no better place to be in the morning. The scenery there never seizes to amaze. Diana was hopping around the apartment, giggling and singing like the happiest little angel. She was radiating love and excitement. She is a Goddess. She is a Queen. She is the woman of every man's dream. She is the dream itself. 

Ivan sat down and started reading the digital expression of what is happening.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I noticed the tendency to be "annoyed" or "distracted" starting to arise. This would happen often in my past. While I'd be doing something that requires my attention, I could not focus on anything else. And I could also not ignore anything that is "distracting" me. Especially if I was playing my instrument or reading. This would usually create a sort of paralysis and my mind'd go: "error.error."

So I almost acted upon this tendency; in fact, in a way I did. But I did so as kindly and as lovingly as I could. I told Diana that I desire silence and I'd like to fully focus on reading. I know I could've added even more love to the statement, but I also could've blew it completely and cause negative feedback. She was kinda annoyed by it for a brief second, but she accepted and hopped on towards the living-room, singing, not letting her good mood to be shaken. I do want to perfect my ability to express stuff like this. I know I have the right to do so. And I ain't a weirdo for liking to be completely immersed in what I do, and be fully conscious of that, and that only. Maynard of Tool once stated he is unable to walk and chew a gum simultaneously. That may be a bit weird, yeah. 

The read was awesome, still in love with what I have going on here for myself. This journal is one of the best decisions I made in a while. Or maybe it's right there with every other epic decision, not sure. 

THE STORY SAYS: 

The money finally arrived on Diana's bank account. Dinusha, the housewife, was patiently waiting for her rupees. 

Ivan had to walk to the other side of the town; Kaluthara South. The couple had no rupees left what-so-ever. Not even for a bus ticket. So Ivan was looking at an approximately 5 kilometer walk. This was not the first occasion of it's kind. It happened before a few times. There are ATM's that are closer, but they request provision. And the couple need every cent now.

Ivan is a fast walker. He builds up a momentum and effortlessly keeps avoiding all obstacles, no matter the shape or size. People here are in no rush. And there are many.  Ivan certainly "stands out" by the speed of his steps. Sometimes he walks slowly as well, but there then usually is no destination. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I was sweatin' balls. It's freakin' December and I'm sweatin' like crazy. Don't think I ever experienced this much Sun during "Winter". In fact, I'm sure I haven't". It's funny, this transition. There has been nearly 6 months of Summer for us now. It should be freezing and snowing by this time. Weird, but I like it. Winter would slow us down now. At least I think so. 

My shirt stuck onto me, the Sun was directly above my head. There was a nice wind to my momentum though; that kept me cool a bit. I was freakin' flying. Nearly everybody was staring. They scan tourists from head do toe. And I'm standing out even more; nearly running. I smiled at everybody. In fact, I was smiling at myself constantly. For myself, by myself. I was radiating Love, I was satisfied in beingness. I enjoyed my roll.

I stopped in a bike-shop on my way. An extremely sexy motorcycle caught my attention several times before, here. Stopping seemed completely and obviously right. The bike is gorgeous. It's a big, black beast. I asked the guy who worked there if he could tell me the price in dollars. It's a bit over 400K rupees, which is around 7K dollars - he clarified. The registration is very cheap, apparently. Not even hundred bucks. I know I'll be able to afford a bike like that any time now. I'm just not sure if I'd be down for getting the driving licence. Seems like a long process. We'll see.

A dog passed by me. Nearly brought me down on my knees. It had an open wound; a massive one. His one leg was nearly detached. It's not unusual for stray dogs to be hit by cars or even attacked by other dog here. In fact, if they're damaged, there is an even bigger chance of them being attacked. Others can smell the weakness. Nevertheless, the dog seemed to be happy and smiling. Hopping on his three healthy legs, making his way forward. It was so meaningful. Tears were near to the surface.

There's also a lot of homeless people. They usually beg on narrow, crowded streets or in front of temples. I don't always give money to them. When I sense the calling, I do. This day I decided not to feel bad about not giving anything to anybody. Every cent counts now. Self service is no different from service to others, when truly understood. I know I'll be sharing and giving for the rest of my life. There's no need for negative thoughts.

THE STORY SAYS:

After picking the money up, Ivan took a bus back to the North of the town. This time it was barely crowded, which happens rather rarely. There was a plenty of space to sit down. And so Ivan did. He sat by the window, enjoying the cool wind blowing in his sweaty face. He was admiring the beautiful scenery that was passing through awareness. Once he arrived, he did not go to the super-market. He merely stopped briefly in a local shop to buy a few minor things. He also went to the beach-side to buy "wisdom-weed". As soon as he arrived home, he paid Dinusha for their rent. She was happy to receive the money. Ivan apologized for the delay. Upstairs Diana was waiting for him.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I immediately needed to take a shower. It brought me back to life. Diana prepared us coffee and rolled a joint. It was a nice reward after the marathon. We were both feeling phenomenal. We even had a beautiful non-dual conversation. It was highly synchronized and effortless. She is my reflection and I am hers. We are mirrors reflecting each-other. It was obvious. It was smooth. It was pleasant and creative. I love her and her ability to grow so fast. She's absolutely and ridiculously perfect. 

I was not feeling like doing much. I wanted to entertain and be entertained. I wanted to have fun; to enjoy myself. I also had the desire to interact with everybody who's alive. Those who dream awake, those who dream asleep. I spent some time on the forum, leaving a few comments. Even some jokes and riddles. I was completely aware of the fact, that my words reflect back onto themselves. That I am constantly having a monologue - so to speak. Each question is asked by me. Each answer is given by me. And so it seems to all Mirrors. I felt like a non-dual troll for a while. It was hilarious. My every cell was laughing.

THE STORY SAYS:

Afterwards, Ivan decided to lay down for a bit; do nothing, think, not think. He was in a state of constant ecstasy. Diana felt the same. 

Ivan intended to trade when he gets up. He was not in a rush at all. He now knows that the only time he's able to make money is Now. He had an hour or so, until the "London hours". At this time, the market is usually on a move. Ivan was not giving a single fu*k.

Ivan desires to speak now:

Yesterday I lost a few euros. I was not bummed down at all. I knew exactly why that happened. My entries were not precise. I was not here and now. I made them from a place of hesitation and still a bit fear. And I also got distracted by focusing on what others are doing. Joining the webinar was both crucial and completely meaningless. I got the message and I know I have to watch the mirror closely, patiently. I must not be distracted by the mirror's illusive nature. 

Today I recovered my losses and made some profit as well. I did so effortlessly and care-free. As care-free as I can be at the moment, to be honest. I noticed Fear wanting to take over. I won't fight it anymore. I won't run anymore. I shall use it as a compass. As a navigation system. Fear will help me become a millionaire! How freakin' awesome is that?

I acknowledged the mind needs time to get used to non-duality and the mirroring nature of existence. It also needs time to fully grasp the fact, that it can achieve any-fu*king-thing now. The mind needs time. The mind creates time. It needs love and appreciation.

The mind is awesome. It is spectacular.It is updated. It is flawless. It is now.

 

 

  

Edited November 30, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

Nothing happened today. There was an infinite amount of nothingness, one could say. There was transparency and there was reflection. Ivan's mind is still getting used to being a mirror. Ivan truly enjoys this process. He is in love with it. He is now finally setting his mind free; eliminating all the limitations, that were never truly there. They were pure mist. They were illusory. Created for Ivan, by Ivan; to wake him up to his full potential. To "claim his power back" - so to speak. Ivan now knows there is nothing more beautiful than claiming your power back. And believing in yourself beyond any doubt and deception. Ivan now sees the importance of loving the one who has never been loved. Loving the Fear that was miss-perceived so many times. Misunderstood and dishonored. Minimized, criticized and judged. Ivan now sees the paradox clearly. He tried to fight Fear with more fear. He tried to run away from his own shadow. Ivan is compassionate with everyone who is still caught in their own Maze. But he sees even beyond this. He knows the importance of non-importance. He knows the illusion is here to be loved. He knows it can be a game, instead of a labyrinth. One has to choose the way One desires to narrate his Story. One must decide between Fear or Love. Beyond that decision lays an invitation. A calling. A place where Love and Fear can merge and end the "insanity". Ivan desires to make all of his dreams come true. Now he knows, that by doing so, he is creating more Love and understanding for everyone else. No matter what the mirror shows or what the one who stares sees. One cannot fail if One is grounded in Love and Oneness. Fear is now finally getting the credits and recognition it deserves. Fear is now welcome; Fear is now Loved. That's all Fear ever desired. The gap between the Mind and the Heart is slowly disappearing. The is little to no distortion left. Ivan is determined to free himself; to free the World. Wisdom is a natural byproduct of union. It is not unavailable for anybody.

Ivan desires to express himself now: 

There needs to be more Love. It is ever-expansive. There is no bottom, there is no end. That's the beauty of it. I am giving my best to love with my every breath. I am giving my best to fully invite Fear inside. To make it feel home and safe. I am also trying to give the Mind the time it requires. I do not want to rush anything. I am Here, I am Now. There is nowhere else to be. I don't want to scare Fear away. I don't want it to feel tricked or deceived. I truly desire Fear to find Peace. It is tired, exhausted. It spent too many lifetimes nudging me. Trying to receive the attention it deserves. Trying to be fully present, transparent and proud of it's nature. Recognized for what it is; a part of the One. A necessary part of it, in fact. Without Fear, One would be lost, bored and demotivated. There would be no place for creating understanding, for lessons to occur, for teachings to come to be. There would be no movement, one could say even. I desire Fear to be omnipresent as Love is. I want it to have the exact same amount of power and rights to do anything it desires, as Love does. Anything it feels like the One would benefit from. Fear is accepted now. Fear is much needed. I do not fear you anymore, Fear. I love you. I allow you. I recognize you. I find you brilliant and creative. You are God. You are All There Is. You are wanted and appreciated. Come back home, Fear. There is place for your here now. You are free to enjoy the playground. I love you. I love the Devil and I love the God. There is absolutely no difference between the two.

I am The One. I choose to allow and include. I choose to love the unlovable. I choose to live and express Love deeper than anyone dared to wander before me. I choose to make dreams come true. I choose to create. I choose to play. I choose to give and receive. I choose balance now. I choose Fear to be my guide. I choose Here and Now. I choose to live freely, as the infinite creator, that I am. One cannot be defined anymore.

THE STORY SAYS:

Ivan is traveling at the speed of light. Yet, he's not moving at all. He is radiating Love here and now. He knows he is up to this calling. He knows his Heart is big enough to invite everyone in. To give home and shelter to everyone. Ivan is a hero, and he's just getting started. He feels like he's being reborn with every moment. He now knows there is no rush. There is no Time. There is only anticipation and excitement in the air. Ivan is a stainless Mirror to himself and everyone else. Fear is Love, Love is Fear, and that is how One came to be. Let there be Light. Let there be Darkness. Let there be diversity. Let there be fun. Let there be nothing and everything simultaneously. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Ivan desires to express himself now, indeed. I desire to express the infinite nature of Oneness. I desire to be an empty vessel, loving the first thing that comes through. I desire to spread the Truth and the Lie. God is Here Now. The Devil is keeping him company. They are best buddies. Without any of them One would not be One. Two would not be two. 

I desire luxury. I desire to be an expression of infinite abundance now. I desire to be an example. To let everyone clearly see what IS possible. To guide everyone into their own kind of the same realization. To break down all boundaries. There is no need for division anymore. I went through pain and suffering, not recognizing their message - now I do. I spent time in the illusion of lack. I experienced loss, neglect, judgment, abuse. I explored the dark side of the spectrum. Now it's time to take the wisdom I gained and shine it onto the World. The lessons served their purpose. Perfectly so. Flawlessly. Lessons are necessary. They are what makes us great. They are what drives us forward.

I recognize the calling now. I see the purpose of my existence and the importance of it. I choose to be the messenger I came to be. I recognize the invitation for creating a book. A book that will guide all lost souls. A book that will be a perfect Mirror. A timeless book of Oneness. This shall be that book. This shall open up eyes. It desires to be expressed through me. For me, by me; For you, by You.

Ivan is a character. He is a hero. No different from any other hero. No different from you. No different from Hercules, Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed, Peter Pan, Robin Hood or any other. Ivan is a Story. Ivan shall write the book. He is already writing it. It is expanding. It is evolving. It is becoming alive. It is here. It is now.

Edited December 1, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

It is becoming irrelevant what the Story has to say. Ivan is now telling his own story. He is taking over the wheel; slowly, carefully. Ivan is fully integrating the fact, that he is both the storyteller and the hero. He is The Story himself. He now knows he can take the story wherever he desires. The lessons needed to be learned cannot be avoided. It does not matter to One under which circumstances will the lesson occur. They are inevitable. Ivan now knows this. He has been merely putting out "wrong signals". Ivan is now deliberately holding Fear in his one hand, Love in his other. This gives birth to Wisdom. Wisdom is the One. Ivan is Wisdom. He now knows for sure, behind every action lays a pearl. A pearl named Choice. Ivan knows as soon as he starts questioning free will, he is also depriving himself of a big chunk of it - so to speak. The freedom of choice; this precious little pearl, rests eternally in the here and now. One cannot make a choice until One understands he is already making the choice.

Traces of Ivan's personality still remain. The One prefers that way. Otherwise, what would be the the point of creating Ivan in the first place? Ivan is not to be completely destroyed. Ivan is not to be thrown into the trashcan without mercy. The guy has been "pushed around" enough throughout his journey so far. He is to be rewarded now. He found God. He made peace with the Devil. Ivan is now where he belongs. Here and Now; Heaven. Ivan has all the tools necessary to carve his Story in the direction he chooses to. In the direction he truly desires. In the direction he expects with excitement and anticipation. In the direction he believed for so long the Story would take him. The Journey Of The Hero Begins Here Now.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Gratitude beyond words is the first reward received. The constant feeling of infinite abundance. The foresight, which reveals precisely enough, not to "blow the fun". The sense of free space in between every choice made. The ability to slow down, speed up the spin of the clock. The ability to effortlessly surrender to infinity. I can go back and forward now. I can choose. 

I know there will be more gifts and rewards. God is generous. The Devil will make sure I receive them in a most fun, exciting and unexpected way. It's just a fucking perfect mix. A perfect interaction and effortless communication between the two. It's how One desires to be. It is it's nature.

I can only imagine how freakin' nuts Diana and me will go when circumstances start reflecting these feelings. We'll become rolling power-balls of Light. And there's no end to this! It's a perfect chain-reaction. A perfect domino effect. It's never-ending. We are nearly jumping out of our skin already. Grounding ourselves is very important now. We don't wan't to ejaculate prematurely.

A - M - A - Z - I - N - G.

THE STORY SAYS:

That is precisely true. Staying grounded is a necessary part of the transition. There are still choices to be made. There are still words to be said. There are still moves to be made. Action is required now more than ever - so to speak. Ivan is aware of this. He was paying close attention during his "spiritual classes". Unlike his time spent in high school. Ivan would often sleep or listen to music during those times.

On this particular day though, besides making the choices he made, Ivan also did the following:

Ivan desires to express himself now:

We talked a lot with Diana. We were enjoying the crap out of what IS happening. We also spent a lot of time spending in imagination-land, getting hyped about all the possibilities that are now finally within our reach. Everything we can think of is heading our way FAST. It's just unbelievable, almost. She is excited about the idea of me writing a book. It came out of nowhere. It happened for itself. I was sure I am going to publish something very soon, but I was also convinced it was going to be musically oriented. This surprised me big time. I can't wait to see "the final product". I also can't wait to buy all the freakin' equipment I desired for so long. I deserve it! I'll be masturbating out new material. It will be ridiculously magnificent! All these masterpieces are patiently waiting to see the light of the day. I deserve a freakin' medal for being so patient, hah!

We also talked about and fantasized about surprising our landlords with a dinner fit for kings. Ordering from a well known place, which happens to be both their daughter's and our's favorite. It will be a beautiful gesture. They had an important roll in our transition as well. They helped a lot. We also made the decision to buy them a brand new TV, as soon as I "hit the jackpot" with trading. Their TV is old and small. Sassenia spends a lot of her free time watching cartoons. The parents also enjoy watching TV. It seems like a perfectly right thing to do. For us - to them; For them - to us.

THE STORY SAYS:

After the pleasant talk, the two love birds parted ways for a little while. Diana was spending her time inside, while Ivan decided to grab his 3-stringed guitar and play some. He was also eager to hear The One singing. He was expecting to be blown away by the power and preciseness of The Voice. Ivan sat down outside, on one of their balconies. He was sitting on the stairs, wearing nothing but boxers. It was a hot day. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I heard both God and The Devil sing before. They both like using The Voice to express themselves. But I never was able to fully establish a strong connection that would not brake during the "the show". I was not a clear vessel. There is still work to be done on that matter. Nevertheless, I was fucking nailing it today! And I also wasn't involved in it at all, one could say. There were no thoughts. Just the appearance of The almighty strong Voice, that can shift and change at will. It has no boundaries. It can express every emotion perfectly. It makes the hair stand up on One's hair. It felt to me, like I was waiting my whole life to hear THIS VOICE precisely. All the bands I was listening to throughout my life. All the singers. In every one of them I was looking for this one voice, that was now somehow coming out of my mouth. Or so it appeared to be. I was not sure of how this voice is supposed to sing. Nor what should it's color be. But somewhere deep down I knew it existed! I heard facades of it throughout my journey. But never was it ONE. I was blown away, indeed. 

Another string snapped. Leaving One with only one octave to play with. It was exactly what One needed.

The Voice was singing for itself, the fingers were playing for themselves. I noticed passengers turning their heads. I noticed Sassenia watching the One curiously, with a smile on her face. She was a bit shy also. One was singing loud, with open throat. One was singing soft. One was singing high and low. One was singing harsh and clear. Ivan screwed up a few times. It was indefinably beautiful.

One made the choice to chant for Devil's sake and honor as well. The vibe was darker; had a sense of deep sadness to it. It was both malicious and beautiful. Simply the notes that have been played and sung were that of a different color and theme. The other side of the spectrum- if you will. The Devil was pleased and amazed. The neighbors - not so much as just minutes before. They are not used to those kinds of melodies - so it seems. I noticed a sense of unease and tension. One was singing words One never heard before. There was an ancient; at times Egyptian, at times Latin vibe to them. At times there were pure vowels merely. Freakin' amazing. Ivan is in love with his voice. The One is in love with his Voice.

Ex-Balkanian and English were also included towards the end of the session.

THE STORY SAYS:

After Ivan put his guitar down, he noticed his speech was different. The tone of his voice was somewhat indecisive and seemed to require more air and "push". It was softer, yet it was grounded mainly in the chest area. The vocal chords were resonating, not breaking apart. This made Ivan think of speech more like as he thinks of singing. Frequencies are constantly being expressed.

Ivan then sat out on the balcony with his love, again. The two were still in heavens. They kept repeating they both can't wait what's heading their way. Diana was a bit anxious about asking her mother for help, again. Even though she now also knows it is most likely to be the very last time. Ivan has been encouraging her to be strong on that topic, for the past couple of days. He knows things are about to shift radically. Diana was doing an amazing "job". She is a true Lioness!

Nevertheless, to make things better and to confirm the couple's predictions, an unexpected help knocked on the door. Ivan's grandmother, Kornelia, messaged Ivan saying that she is sending some money their way tomorrow. It is a nice amount. Ivan was both surprised and completely not. He'll tell ya all about it. 

Yet another pleasant surprise made it's way into the here and now. Sašo, the Slovenian money-magnet, wrote Ivan expressing his amazement regarding Ivan's level of optimism, determination and his ability to inspire. Sašo asked, if Ivan is willing to have another online meeting, this time including a third character. His name is David and apparently, he is also a successful forex trader. David is eager to meet Ivan. Ivan is not yet sure about the nature of this opportunity and what it holds. He is yet to find out. The call is supposed to happen tomorrow night.

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I knew it! I knew Kornelia wouldn't let me forget about her for life, just yet. I did not have a "nice relationship" with my family; should be apparent by now. And I also did not have anyone besides my "mother" and "grandmother". They are both prisoners of their own mind. And this prison is well guarded. It's also on a island.

Ever since I started my journey and answered my calling. Ever since I denied to be their puppet and let them live though me. Ever since I sad "no" and slammed the door behind me for good. Nor mother, nor grandmother were supporting me in "achieving my dreams". I needed to bear with an enormous amount of humiliation, shame and guilt because I had nobody to assist us during "tough times". Diana's mother never questioned a single question. She showed belief and support beyond measurement. "My family" though, nope. They are more concerned with what's right or wrong and what should and should not be. They are also masters of deception and incredibly good at coming up with excuses and lies. I don't blame them. Being a prisoner in hell is a "punishment" in itself. There were times where I felt an enormous amount of pain. There were times when I felt like a piece of shit who will never be able to achieve anything. Who will become a waste of space and not worthy of receiving the gift of life. There were times I felt like I could die of starvation here, on the other side of the world, and my "family" wouldn't even know or care. There were times when I was crying like a six year old, that I was when my mother abandoned me. There were times when I wanted to watch them burn slowly. Including my precious "father", who decided it's best if he has nothing to do with me, since I was only three years old. There were times...There were. BUT NOT ANYMORE. I'm over it. I healed with the help of my real family. My soul family. Diana and her mother, Karmen. I am way to immersed in my own Story now to let myself be distracted. The Story that I AM building with my bare hands - so to speak. I was designing it with care and love for a while now. I don't choose hate. I don't choose grunge. I am not to play their games anymore. I am to walk my path and deal with them when and if at all I desire to do so. I am a mirror reflecting effortlessly now. I am free. 

Last time I was in touch with Kornelia, I let her know these things briefly. There was no hate, no arrogance. Ok, maybe a pinch of arrogance, but it was necessary. I previously also let these things be known to my mother, Nelly. And a while back I let my father, Mirko know as well. My heart is at ease. I told my part, finally. They were putting words into my mouth for far too long. 

So yeah, I was not surprised today, after a few days of silence treatment, to see Kornelia's message saying she's sending us some money. They don't want to "loose me" completely, apparently. But I sense it's more or less because they're afraid for their false image of self to fall apart. Not because they truly care or want to show support. Nevertheless, I replied briefly, saying: "Sure, if you won't be bothered". I know it is the last time. Maybe it means something, maybe nothing at all. Time will show. Now, I am focused merely on making a smooth transition for ourselves. So overall, her "help" is welcome.

The video-call with Sašo and David and what it holds is a mystery. Maybe they have a proposal. Maybe a business opportunity. Maybe David's just simply curious to meet me, share opinions and ideas. Maybe they want to advise me, train me further. We will see. Nevertheless, I already came to a conclusion that no matter how it plays out, I got this trading thing. It is obvious to me now what needs to be done. It is also obvious it can be done by me only. It is clear. It is now. 

 

 

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

On the seventh day, which was not Sunday, The One made the choice to rest.

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

The rest was much needed. Shifts are now occurring a lot faster. They are a lot more noticeable. Last minute purging signifies the closing door of Ivan's former life, and his beliefs about it. Steps are now being made a lot quicker and easier. Accelerated living is becoming a standard. Synchronicity is becoming a navigation system; a tool.  This is everything Ivan ever desired. This Is The One's Choice. It is now finally becoming fully experiential. The capacity has been present all along, waiting to be recognized. Now it is revealed clearly and is undeniable. Ivan is transforming entirely; breathing in more of himself, exhaling misaligned beliefs. The momentum has been steadily building up. A new world is being born. A world of infinite possibilities and absolute freedom. A place of Love, excitement, playfulness and eagerness. A place to truly call "Home".

Ivan desires to express himself now:

I reached a point where "the speed" was starting to become somewhat...uncomfortable. I came to a quick conclusion, that if I want to reach the Sun without getting burnt badly, I better do it cautiously, gently. These days my vibration would often get so high I'd start shaking like mad. It's like I swallowed a pill of ecstasy, quite literally. I feel ecstatic and hyped about everything that's already here. Precisely because now I know, it is already here. It is not just "believing", anymore. It is not "hoping", anymore. It is not about theorizing and philosophizing. It is not intellectual "out-side-the-box" thinking. It is pure, unshakable knowing. It is certainty. It is firmness. It is directly experiential. It is silent.

The gifts and blessings are heading our way, undoubtedly. But, they are also being carried on the back of a bison. A massive collision is about to happen and I want to be as ready and empty as possible. I want to be hit by the bison and feel nothing but love and union. I've been expecting it for long; I should not act so surprised, now that I see it on the horizon. I am grounding myself. Discovering new depths of steadiness. Developing my already existing, as well as new gifts and talents. Deepening my understanding. Rising up to the unconditioned nature of The One. Radiating more love, inviting in more fear. Allowing the process of transformation. Allowing Unity; becoming it. Saying my last goodbyes to past versions of Ivan.

The breath is deepening.

THE STORY SAYS:

Although no pages have been written, in these two days of rest Ivan did quite a few things. He finally made the choice of buying new strings for his instrument. He visited a Buddhist temple and spent some time meditating with a group. He had the online meeting with Sašo and David. He dived deep into singing exercises. The Voice wants to speak; wants to sing. Ivan desires to take good care of his vocal chords. He desires every note to be placed precisely and effortlessly - without a single thought. He desires to be a super-conductor. A resonator.

Ivan also started trading like "the big guys", so to speak. In only two days, there were more results than in the past three months combined. Both Ivan and Diana are now certain they opened the door of financial freedom. The stars are lining up. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Buying the strings was so...fulfilling. The simplest things like this are now satisfying beyond any description. The amount of gratefulness being embodied is unspeakable. I used to overlook so many things. Now I appreciate my every step. I can now see the perfection in my every move. It has been perfect all along. I just couldn't recognize it.

I enjoyed re-stringing and polishing my guitar. I love the smell of new strings. The full, rich sound. The majestic, flawless resonance. I played for hours. I sang for hours. I was trying so goddamn hard to find The Voice. It is here for me to access now. But practice and consistency are required. Balance is needed. The Voice has been asleep for a long time. It is now slowly waking up. We don't want to be rude. We want to be gentle. 

As I bought the strings, I was passing by the big Buddhist temple in Panadura. We have been living in this town previously, for a month or so. It's a few miles north, closer to Colombo. Pleasant place. I noticed a pull inviting me to check this temple out. I had no idea why, but it seemed important. Enlightenment, silent as it is, went unnoticed. But then again, there is no-one to ask about it.

I approached the long stairs, I was barefoot. There was sand; the fingers enjoyed it. Locals were smiling. Some were leaving, some arriving. Each step was taken precisely, consciously. Every counted stair was a world of it's own. The wind was pleasant. A monk was sweeping. Another one was placing food and beverage in front of Buddha's statue. He is lying sideways. He rests eternally. I merged with the silence and peace inside the temple. Old stories painted on each wall. Each giving a hint. Each pointing to one. Some were disturbing. Some were hilarious. Some were sad. All led to one. The messages were clear. The cycles were obvious. These walls are speaking loud.

As I existed, I approached the edge. I was high, looking over the city. The buzz was loud, but not distracting. There was a special space for it. A space which could not be filled with anything else. Everything was in perfect place. Flawless. 

I circled some more, before turning right and heading down. The place is grand. I saw a group of old Sri Lankan women sitting around a huge tree. There were numerous altars, statues, candles, flowers, aromas. A monk was chanting. The women were praying. Many were surprised of I's presence. I noticed eyes watching. I noticed thoughts arising. I noticed confusion. Nothing noticed the I. Nothingness came to be. I sat cross-legged, close to the mighty tree. The air was thick. A lot to invite it. A lot to accept and transform. A lot to love. I was shaking off. Letting resistance exit. Letting all overflow now. Focus put aside. No need to see the eye that looks. No need to scratch the itch that fades. The collective received a boost. Cleared, purified, transformed. Hands were forming intricate signs. Precise and symmetrical. Yes, they were my hands, but there was no Ivan to call them his own. It remained that way. The breath was loud and long; emerging from the ground, existing on top. The rhythm was calm. A bow to the tree symbolized the end of I's meditation.

As I was leaving the temple, I was admiring his kingdom. Every inch of it is pure perfection. I is the Father, I is the Son.

THE STORY SAYS:

Ivan also made the choice to "reconnect" with his long missed brother, Stefan. The two have a special story of their own. It is a strong bond. It is a soul connection. However, Ivan felt like there was something out of place.For some time now, he has been sensing fear while thinking of Stefan. Not knowing was the fear mutual, Ivan wrote to Stefan and expressed his "concerns". Stefan lives in Subotica, Serbia - Ivan's home town. The two haven't seen each-other for more than two years. Stefan was willing to solve "the mystery" and shed some light on the topic. Ivan expressed his hurt from the past, which was preventing him from being completely authentic with Stefan. The two ended up having a nice, effortless communication. Ivan was glad to come to knowing he still has a brother. It is bromance, one could say. Ivan desires deep and honest connections. He knows those are true gems; rare to find. They are priceless. 

Ivan desires to express himself now:

Me and Stefan; we go way back. We somehow clicked once and that was it. It happened just before I moved to Slovenia. I wasn't visiting often. But when I did, we were together pretty much non-stop. We enjoyed talking for hours. We also listened to tons of music, often without a word being said. A look was enough. A smile was telling much more. We share special, strong memories. Not too many of them, but that's the part of the flavor. I really wanted to share with him everything that has been going down lately. We were always so good at motivating the crap out of each-other and expressing pure, genuine admiration. I am indeed glad we're back in touch. I can only imagine the day we meet again. The giggle will be cosmic.

On the business side; the call with Sašo and David went great. It was smooth. We were relaxed and synced. Every one of us showed a great amount of respect; it was mutual. I really enjoyed the talk. It was also quite long. David and Sašo offered me a chance to join their trading team; IML. I had the feeling it might be what the call was about. But I wasn't jumping into any conclusions. I see the benefits of being a part of a team, especially as a newbie. But I am kind of a lone wolf. I have my own ways. I don't like filling my mind with what the crowd is suggesting. I feel whole by myself. I kindly let them know this. There was acceptance and applauding. We all agreed every trader has it's own system; it's own methods. Everyone has their own path towards abundance. The communication was effortless. After David left the meeting, Sašo and me talked a bit longer; speculating trades, discussing the psychology behind trading, having a nice trade-talk. It was very pleasant. 

Turns out; sticking to my inner knowing and confirming once again that I have no doubt in myself was welcome. I was proud. I gained yet another boost. "Wow man, you really stand your own ground now, ay?" - I thought. I was ready for the test.

How did it turn out? Whelp. I grew my account for 70% in less than 24 hours. Effortlessly. Instant confirmation and universal thumbs up. Diana was so happy. She's my biggest cheer-leader. I kinda doubt though she can truly comprehend what I am about to do. Even I tend to pinch myself, to make sure this is "real". I now emphasize balance, steadiness, patience, consistency, mindfulness. I will continue with this tempo. The rhythm is just fine. I got all the time in the world. My goal is to keep doubling my account every day for the next two weeks. My entries are precise and neat. Nothing is happening by chance or "luck". I know exactly what I'm doing. I know exactly what I want and how to achieve it. I simply know now.

The book came in out of nowhere. I have no idea where it's heading. The book already knows, and that's all that matters. I am so honored to share the knowledge along my journey. I am so grateful I opened myself up to this calling. It is grand. It is humbling. It is powerful. It is now. 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

Edited December 6, 2018 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace.

It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. 

It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive.

So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all.

THE STORY SAYS:

"We are getting so close to this life altering solstice gateway which opens on the 12th December an culminates on the 21st. 

This is the tail end of clearing the past. Whatever comes up; breath, release and step into the Light.

The darkness isn't coming with you.

The third dimensional reality is officially ending on December 21st.

We are entering the biggest quantum leap this planet has ever experienced.

The past will stay in 2018.

The gateways to 5D (ascended Earth) are closing and the frequencies are steadily rising.

If you are reading these words and on the healing path, you are going through the gateway.

It's time to reap the rewards of all this deep healing work you have been immersed in for so long."